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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Teresa

    September 19, 2016 at 4:54 pm Reply

    A bit ashamed of how long I allowed this man to occupy my mind and heart. This site has truly opened my eyes. All the signs were there and I ignored them. It finally has a name. Narcissist. All makes sense now. I feel empowered to be done with it. Encouraging to know I am not alone. I wish strength and happiness to you all

  • Liz

    September 19, 2016 at 8:23 am Reply

    I’ve been dealing with my N on and off for 4 years now. I met him at a bar. I was with a few friends, he had just gotten off work and was alone. He flirted with me and was sweet, I was fresh out of a terrible relationship and got sucked in immediately. That same night a friend told me to stay away, that he had a girlfriend and it was serious. I listened, keeping him at arm’s length most of the summer but with much persistence on his end, by the end of that summer I had become the other girl. This lasted for months, on and off. Him vanishing, me trying to keep my distance. I allowed the game to go on until one night at a bar I heard rumors about him planning to marry said girlfriend. I went off the deep end telling a few people what was going on, how we’d been together a few nights before, and just full on melt down. Of course it got back to him, but I didn’t care. I was hurt, I was angry, I told him to leave me alone and never speak to me again. He obliged, but it was easy for him as just a few days later he was leaving for the military and would be without a phone. The day he got his phone back, of course my phone pinged.

    For awhile I was strong. It had been months and while he did have some control over me before that it was nothing compared to what it later would become. I was borderline annoyed when he started talking to me and he sensed it. It caused him to check the waters every so often, but not come full force. A few months later when he returned home the girlfriend dumped him, and unfortunately for him I had someone by then as well. He backed off completely, tail between his legs. Every so often though he’d check up, only via text, but he always let me know he was still there.

    Eventually my relationship began falling apart. My guy was a workaholic and not giving me any attention, and my N was checking on me daily. I felt wanted. I ended it with my boyfriend and even though my N was still serving started a long distance relationship with him thinking our time had finally come. He was amazing while away. Sweet, kind, caring. I felt so good about us and where we were headed. He had me looking at rings, talked about family, he had me hook line and sinker.

    He came home and things were okay, but then they got bad. The rumors started that he was cheating (he adamantly denied), his drinking was out of control, he couldn’t hold down work, he’d be just plain mean for no reason. He’d push me away, he’d pull me back, he’d tell me his friends didn’t like me. We’ve been doing this for months, only now has the silent treatment started. Yes, there were times where he’d want “space”. There was still talking though. A call, a text, something at least once a day. The full on silent treatment was introduced a few weeks ago and it is driving me mad. I’ve been fighting it. Calling from other phones, emailing, but I know that it’s in my best interest to stop. I know he’s getting off on my desperation, and that is what it is. I just genuinely feel like I can’t breathe. I crave his attention, and even though I know he’s so damn toxic I’m sitting here anxiously awaiting his return and hoping he really isn’t as done as he seems. That this is just his newest game.

  • Tat

    September 5, 2016 at 6:59 am Reply

    I discovered that the man I was dating could be or is a Narcissist. Our relationship has been on and off for 4 years. Our relationship was a constant roller coaster. He would get upset over the slightest thing I did break it off and then returns. I am emotionally exhausted and drained. Will he return will he stay away forever. I am struggling with trying to get him out of my mind all of these shoulda woulda coulda done differently. He has been silent for 2 months now. He said he could not date me because i support and attend bodybuilding contest that my son participates in, and because I spend to much time with my family. There are so many reasons that i can’t believe. He has been silent for a little over two months. I hope it stays that way. I look back now and I am ashamed at how I have let this man take over my life.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 4:20 pm Reply

      Hi Tat,

      Don’t be ashamed…we’ve all done it. There is so much to say about this and if you read through my website you will find all the answers. Also, please consider speaking with me because there is so much we deal with together one-on-one to get you through it. Will he return? Probably but you need to find a way to move on as if he won’t return. We waste our life waiting and they count on that…it’s as if the relationship never ends but believe me, a silent treatment is just a break-up in disguise!

      There are many survivors here and I’m here if you need me…

      Zari xo

      • Debbie

        October 5, 2016 at 8:50 am Reply

        Been married to narc for 20 years. Had two boys together but he never connected with either of them. Very selfish, everything was about him, would put me and children at risk rather than drive us, would never come to family occasions or boys football or sporting events, in early years would discard quite often when wanting to go out with his friends for weekends etc. His over-indulgent mother phones at least 5 times a day to tell him how much she loves him and how wonderful he is (seriously!) I left quite a few times over the years but was always hoovered back as loved him and felt sorry for him and also believed his lies. This time have left and gone no contact with him for 6 weeks. Blocked phone, texts, emails, fb. There are too many details to go into over the years but I am absolutely positive he is a narcissist. The last two weeks he has come to my home uninvited. The first time he jumped into the back seat of my car when I was driving. I very forcefully told him to get out and went straight inside without any further conversation and refused to answer door. On Saturday night he rang the doorbell continuously and then when we thought he had gone we heard the back gate open and heard him trying to get in through the back door. Thankfully I keep it locked constantly now but it was still upsetting, my son and I hiding in the dark upstairs listening to that. Eventually he left. Just now my phone rang but no caller ID. I answered it as was expecting a call from the hospital about my son. I heard his voice begging “Please don’t hang up” but I hung up without speaking. It has upset me though as feel on edge all the time – every time my phone rings or a car goes past my stomach lurches and I feel so anxious and sick. Why does he keep doing this because, from experience, I know he can’t change so why won’t he just go away?

        • Zari Ballard

          October 12, 2016 at 12:21 am Reply

          Debbie wrote… It has upset me though as feel on edge all the time – every time my phone rings or a car goes past my stomach lurches and I feel so anxious and sick. This is why he won’t go away. He knows that as long as he does what he’s doing, the chances that you will feel anxious and sick are fairly high.

          Hi Debbie,

          Now, having said the above, you are STILL doing the right thing, girl because no matter how persistent they do seem, the truth is that they really aren’t that motivated at the core. He will stop. Mine was exactly like that and eventually the time between energetic hoovers got longer and longer. Mine would stand at the door and knock and knock without stopping, without breaks, and when that didn’t work, he would go around the building and toss rocks up at my third-floor window and yell my name over and over. I would take my clothes off and get in the shower with the water on full blast for an hour or more until I knew he was gone. It’s hard and yes it made me so anxious. THAT IS THE INTENTION. Even if you pick up the phone and hang up as soon as you hear his voice, IMAGINE HIM ON THE OTHER END WITH A SMIRK ON HIS FACE. He’s not as stressed as he appears.

          Please consider booking some talk time with me if you can because this, right now, is the most fragile time for you even though you are being so strong. We can brainstorm some strategies so that you continue to be free and strong. I have so much to say about this. My articles will help you as well because I do cover all of this.

          Think about talking to me…please stay strong! You are doing the right thing!

          Zari xo

  • M

    September 2, 2016 at 11:28 am Reply

    Well I for one care about men who have psychological disease that they can’t help so all of this talk may be true bur empathy is also true

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2016 at 10:44 pm Reply

      Hi M,

      Narcissism is not a mental illness or psychological disease, it’s a personality disorder. By this I mean that he/she knows right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit. Why? Because they have absolutely no empathy. You can care for someone who doesn’t care about you until the end of time and it simply won’t matter. They like themselves just fine and wouldn’t change it even if they could. That’s a disorder that deserves no coddling. All that will happen is YOU wasting your life away.

      Zari:)

      • Labwaluv

        September 3, 2016 at 8:14 am Reply

        I thought NPD was a mental disorder. Which is why it’s listed in the DSM since 1980. They think they are perfect and nothing is wrong with them but they are still mentally ill. Hence why they also never apologize or show anyou remorse or empathy. Because they put up a facade to never feel deep emotions. Most suffered abandonment as children. I agree wholeheartedly about wasting your time. Tell me about it; 3 plus years of my life. No contact is the only solution as nothing you say or do will get through to them. Especially after they discard you. Good riddance

  • FUDGED FOUR WAYS

    August 31, 2016 at 8:45 pm Reply

    Didn’t understand why I moved to this town in the first place chasing after a man who left me when I came here with my kids in one room. It was after I left him things started getting better. Before he left I remembered him saying something to me about narcissism and i ignored it. I remember the break up grabbing my phone back that I gave as a gift for his birthday which he left in the mailbox cause he couldn’t even face me. So much harem was going on in that phone on messenger and he used the same lines he did with me. Still I didn’t know what he was. Fast forward months later finally got myself together my own place and good job and my music and number two came in the pic at an event… After the silent treatment and researching cause I so desperately wanted a reply and he wouldn’t give it. Even crying on video and no response not realizing they love to see you in pain… I called out the second one that I knew who he was… Grave mistake. Lesson learned. Fast forward… Getting myself back on track again another one at an event… But this third one knew the first one( the first one is well known in this town so of course they believe his story and not mine). Not sure if he was a narc or flying monkey but after a month with him I broke it off. Boom the fourth…. It was then I woke up realizing he was a psychopath. It was getting worse and worse with the men I was dating. But they all knew each other as well which made me believe they were sent in as flying monkeys or the first one said some things about me to them. They’ve hoovered… Just last week I took number one back and it only lasted a week after two days of silent treatment I blocked him and started no contact again and for good. Then boom… Last one hoovered with text after not responding to me for over a month and being blocked since then asking if I don’t even miss him a little. Too much of a coincidence. What I realized is I didn’t give myself time to heal. I realize I move on when I found someone and it’s because I forgot to love myself first. They don’t pick us cause we weak… They choose us because we are pretty intelligent sophisticated women going places and they hate someone to be better than them. They’ve been alternating trying to stop my progress this whole time and I just realized it. I saw your post and though I would never say this is public…. My own father was a narcissist and it wasn’t until now I saw the pattern and that I’m possible a co-dependent. NOT ANYMORE! I have boundaries and standards and damn it I’m using them. Yes I fucked up big time!!! But where I’m headed I don’t care not one bit about the smear happening. No one talks to me in this town anymore… I feel a sense of relief that I can do things without people in my business. Everytime I make a step the Hoover occurs…. I don’t respond at all but I see be pattern. They know where I’m headed and they dread it.

    Take care…

    • Zari Ballard

      September 23, 2016 at 6:36 pm Reply

      Fudged Four Ways wrote…They don’t pick us cause we’re weak… They choose us because we are pretty intelligent sophisticated women going places and they hate someone to be better than them. This is the truth!

      Hi Fudged Four Ways,

      Wow…that is WAY too many narcs for me! Holy crap….and I totally agree being okay with not having people in your business because of the smear campaign. I’m the same way. Let them do their thing. In the end, we have to be comfortable with THE TRUTH THAT WE KNOW. It doesn’t matter a bit what bullshit the narc is spewing…this is why I always say to just say nothing at all. The best defense is no defense.

      One by one, be done with these monsters. It’s time to be a free bird. Getting involved right after never works. I’ve tried it too and now I am four years out and ONLY NOW am I able to say that I know for a fact I will bring no baggage to any relationship I get into (if I even do). You have to let the narcissistic dust settle first and it takes a while. You seem to have a handle on it and I wish you nothing but the best!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Lourdes

    August 19, 2016 at 1:05 pm Reply

    This is plain and simple mental murder!!! My narc who I’ve been for 9 yrs. is at the moment giving me the silent treatment after being gone for a week now. I know this is only because I have called him out on what he truly is and the fact that 3 mths ago I found out of the many relationships his had behind my back for all of these years. Of course after the usual N behavior I took him back but couldn’t stop nagging about it all. This past weekend (Saturday) was his bday which he said he’d spend with me…NOT! I started calling him Friday after work several times only to get ignored over and over. Saturday no signs of him. I did send him a message wishing him a Happy Birthday saying: For what is worth Happy Birthday. To which I didn’t get a answer until Sunday. His text said: It means the world to me. I’m not doing or done the bad things I’m sure you are assuming. I’ll show you when I come back. I do love you. It’s been a week now and I have not seen or heard from. I have not contacted him at all. I know he is punishing me for nagging at him for the cheating I found out about and telling him to his face he is a N. Just lowering my expectations. I’m taking this silent treatment to get strong and finally realize that this is not acceptable and it has to come to an end once and for all. I thank Zari for finally seeing things for what they are and that this is a no win situation. I know there is a warm place in hell for these monsters. All that is done here is paid for here! They will have their share of suffering sooner or later. No to take it lightly it will be eternal suffering.
    Best wishes to all the victims out there!

  • Mandy Peall

    August 17, 2016 at 8:21 am Reply

    Please help me!!! My heart is so smashed. It physically hurts in your heart .

    • Zari Ballard

      September 5, 2016 at 5:48 pm Reply

      Hi Mandy,

      We can’t help if you don’t share your story….

      Zari:)

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