A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

By Zari Ballard

A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

Sherrie
February 12, 2017 at 12:01 pm Reply

Hi Zari,

I have been reading through your pages for the last few days and they have really helped me. If only in the fact that they have kept my mind busy and able to resist the temptation to txt him.

I have been with my narc for 5 years and we had a good first year. The sex was mind blowing and id never felt such chemistry before. When we had been together a year we had a little row about the amount of time he spent on the phone to his ex wife. It was nothing major but all of he sudden he went quiet on me and then sent me a txt to say it was over. His explanation was that he thought the world of me but that he wasn’t the man for me. He ignored me for 2 days and then came back saying how much he was attracted to me and how if he saw me he would rip my clothes off. I was back there straight away.

Everything was peachy for another 6 months and then I caught him out on a lie. He ignored me for a week. The pattern continued like this for the next year or so. He did exactly as he wanted and I rarely complained but the moment I did, he would disappear and give me the silent treatment just to punish me. Once it lasted 4 weeks and I even went on a date with someone else. The minute he found out he sent me a random txt asking where I was because he had made me dinner ?? And I went !!

This time round I felt that he had finally realised what a great relationship we could have because he asked me to move in with him. I was overjoyed and felt that finally we could have a proper ‘grown up’ relationship. (I am now 40 and he is 52). We lived together for a year and it was the worst of my life. He would be busy every night and made me beg for his time, he would ignore me for days, he would lie about where he was going and say that he was at the gym but my friends would tell me that they had saw him sat alone looking sad in pubs. After a year our lease come up on our flat and I kept asking to look at new places but he kept making excuses about why he couldn’t. Eventually he called me from work to tell me that he had bought a flat and he wanted to live there without me !! I was completely heartbroken. And so it seemed was he when the day came that I moved out. He cried like a baby.

I got myself a new place and I stupidly gave in and allowed him back in my life and he stays at mine almost every night. All of his things are here and I make dinner for him every single day but our relationship causes me nothing but anxiety. Every night he has things that he has to do, going to see his parents, dealing with his kids, sorting out his van, getting stuff for work. He will tell me every lie going but I know that 9 times out of 10 hes at a bar or pub.He then turns up at mine about 9 – 9.30 (he finishes work at 4.30 and works 5 mins from my house) eat his dinner, makes his lunch for work and then fall asleep, I don’t actually get any decent time from him. I am not one for questioning and I think that I’m pretty laid back but occasionally I will question the logic of what hes told me and just gets annoyed, goes quiet for the evening and disappears for a few days.

That’s is where I am at today. I had barely seen him for days and I was hoping that he would come straight home from work but he txt and told me that he was taking his son for dinner and that he would come to me afterwards. I replied and asked what about the dinner I had prepared and why hadn’t he let me know earlier. He phoned me 3 or 4 times in panic, assuming I was angry and said that his son was just eating then he would take him back to his mum and come down. He was at mine within 20 minutes, the logistics just didn’t work so I knew he’d been lying but I didn’t feel in the mood to question him. The next evening he comes down with his son and I ask him, how was your dinner with dad last night and his reply was that he hadn’t seen him. Something in me just clicked and I knew that Id had enough. He could tell I was mad even though I didnt want to make a comment in front of his son. He txt me later that evening to thank me for dinner and said sorry for telling a little white lie, he said he’d had a bad day at work and needed a drink. I txt him back and and told him that I was done !! That was 2 days ago and i’ve heard nothing since. I have no desire to contact him or see him and I feel much stronger this time but I am trying myself up in knots wondering what he’s thinking. Does he care, is he glad, does he feel relieved ? I have never been in the situation where I have had made no contact with him and its bothering me that I think he doesn’t care….does any of this make sense.

I’m so sorry for such a long winded post but it feels so good, almost cathartic to explain this to people who I think will understand as all of my friends just think I’m crazy for putting up with his bullshit and hearing me mope about it.

Is he a narc or just not a very nice person? I could write so much more but won’t. One extra point though, he has never in 5 years told me that he loves me and if I dare to tell him, he replies ‘I know’.

Thank you for listening.

Sherrie
- Zari Ballard
  February 17, 2017 at 10:32 pm Reply
  
  Hi Sherrie,
  
  I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie because it discusses everything that you’ve shared in your post. This guy is a typical narc and he needs to go along on his way. This pattern will continue until the end of time if you allow it, girl. My ex did the EXACT same things. I, too, didn’t say much or questions things but when I did, he’d leave, go silent. These types of guys manage down our expectations so that we accept nothing but crumbs and they get to do what they want. Mine too, did the disappearing act and then would text me with the benign invitation to drinks or dinner and I would go. Ridiculous!
  
  Check your email for the book – I’ll send it now. There is a way out. Five years is way too long…don’t do what I did. Learn from my mistakes…
  
  Zari xo
Alyssa
February 2, 2017 at 3:30 pm Reply

Hi Zari, I have known my ex for 7 years now. We dated for almost 3 years. We were on and off after the first 5 months. He was always the one ending it, then coming back whenever he’d pleased-and I’d always be there to take him back. The longest breakup has been 1 year as of 3 days ago, which is EXACTLY when he contacted me again. In December, he gave me breadcrumbs-we spoke but never met face-to-face…just for him to go cold and block me again. The other day, on that year of the breakup-he unblocks me and starts messaging me wanting to meet up. I have no idea why he never ever goes away. Unfortunately, I still love him. I feel like he always does this same old act. He appears, vanishes, and re-appears. He tries to find someone else, and when they cannot match up or he has no one-right back to me. Break up to make up cycle all over again. It’s like I finally felt myself moving on as it has been a year. I even met someone else. and BAM-there he is. It is like he smells me moving on. I don’t get it, or why he has been acting this way for this extended period of time. It almost seems ridiculous. I want to feel like he “loves” me and thats why he keeps returning. but in my heart I feel like he just does it out of boredom or seeing if I’ll still take the bait. I want to believe he has changed after this entire year of no contact or seeing each other, but I just do not know if that is the case. Idiotically, I went to go catch up with him a few days ago when we spoke. We slept together, but that was it. He was all lovey dovey, but we have not spoke much since. He likes to leave me confused I think. I don’t know what to do anymore or why I can never ever fully move on without him making an appearance of some form. He always blocks me, unblocks me, and does other things to get reactions. Are these all signs of narcissism? It isn’t fair that he behaves this way, and it hurts my feelings every single time.
- Zari Ballard
  February 10, 2017 at 2:11 pm Reply
  
  Hi Alyssa,
  
  Yes, I’ve been there and done all that. No, he hasn’t changed and you deserve to move on. You need to block him at all avenues of communication and refuse to answer the door if he shows up. This is all about his reaching his hand out periodically to make sure that he gets in your head so that you can’t move on. And it sure does appear as if they are psychically clued in to what we’re doing and if we’re feeling better. I’d say it’s actually pretty demonic! Make mistake – he is doing this with everyone who has ever been in his life. Although we’d like to believe that we were/are, none of us are any more important than the one before or the one after…but we are usually the most convenient. Do not let it happen to you again because YES the pain is the same every single time and it never gets any different until you start changing your perspective of the situation.
  
  Book a consultation with me if you can or at least read my book When Love Is a Lie. My story is your story and you will resonate with every word. I have helped many people to move on, especially when we speak-one-on-one. This is a process and you CAN overcome it. Our suffering changes not a thing, girl, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.
  
  Stay strong and I am always here to support you:)
  
  Zari xo
Lisa
February 2, 2017 at 11:22 am Reply

Hi Zari,

Thank you for your great post. I am recovering from a narcissistic act. After a year of dating, and two weeks after meeting his parents, he turned to me to tell me that he could not do “this” anymore. “This” being…staying in a relationship that I felt needed to make a shift (have our kids hang out from time to time). This request shut him down IMMEDIATELY.

When I refused to take things back 6 months (his idea), and refused to just be his friend – things ended.

Truth be told… it didn’t completely end before me trying to gain some understanding of why he did a 180 degree turnabout. Literally one minute he was saying he was in love with me. I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and telling his mother that I made him want to be a better man…to, him telling me he actually does NOT love me, and that we are NOT good together. Amazing!! He was that matter-of-fact, and cold. I was thrown away, like garbage.No regard to my feelings whatsoever.

I will say to your readers, that I was heartbroken. At times I found it hard to breathe. But, the master manipulator that he is, he was able to leave me with some hope, by saying he realized he had a problem and that he was going to see a therapist to find out why he shuts down in relationships (yes history – pay attention to that!!!) In the meantime, he would contact me from time-to-time, but I had to tell him that we needed a clean break. He said he understood, and would not contact me until he felt he could really give me what I needed. Hind sight…why would I want anything to do with him after such a huge betrayal??

His therapy was one session, and 2 weeks later he went back to an old girlfriend who he said was psycho, and he had nothing in common with, because of a 12 year age difference… She also has been arrested 7 times, beat up her mother, lied about having a third younger child, and cheated on him. talk about an ego crusher. He couldn’t be with me, but she turned out to be acceptable (for the moment anyway).

He did contact me via text for Mother’s Day while they were dating, and I received a “butt dial?” call during the holidays. So I do believe that narcissist come back around to test the waters. I responded to neither contact attempts.

It has taken me a a full year to get over his betrayal. At times he may cross my mind, and I wonder if he is still with “psych”, but certainly can pull myself back to the present, and my very happy life. Thanks to therapy, self love, and support from family and friends. I realize that I am mostly upset with myself because there were so many signs that I ignored, because his charm, and attention sucked me in. But after more research on narcissistic behavior… my good heartedness was no match for his well practice manipulation of emotions.

To everyone out there who has been duped by a narcissist – YOU WILL BE OK! It will take time, but keep looking forward, and remember (I believe) his/her acts are not personal. Yes, they are shitty people, and users, but they have treated someone else badly before you, and they will treat the next ones the same way. They do not discriminate. The only difference is the amount of time they are allowed to abuse their significant other. The less self confidence, or lack of self esteem the person has…the longer the narcissist will hang around because that victim – I mean, person, will not make a lot of waves until absolutely pushed. Narcissist don’t like waves.

So stay strong!! Find the positives from that experience, and keep your heart open for someone who will TRULY love you unconditionally, and RESPECT you.

The positives for me? I had a mostly fun year with a guy who made me feel wanted and beautiful – plus I had great sex. Also, had he not dropped me like a hot potato, I would probably not be in grad school right now, bettering my life, living on my own terms, and NO ON ELSES!!

Life goes on, and there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, waiting for you to greet it.
- Zari Ballard
  February 5, 2017 at 8:16 pm Reply
  
  Thanks for the great post! Very inspirational!
  
  Zari xo
Vanessa
January 31, 2017 at 4:24 pm Reply

Hi Zari,

I need your advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years this Feb. I fell hard for him and didn’t realize that he was a narc until way later in the relationship. I just been through a divorce and jumped on to this relationship thinking he was different. He has lied, cheated, belittled me, fight with me on purpose and then ignores me. Flirts with other females, has wondering eyes. I’m never good enough for him. I have to watch how I say things or do things, basically walking on egg shells. He thinks he knows it all, he thinks he better than others, everyone else to him are idiots. I have helped him so much along these years. I feel that he has a close relationship with his ex not just because of his son with her but also because he still seeing her behind my back… He recently got fired from his work and i’m just tired of helping him.. I never get any help from him and if he does its always in a bad way or mad because he says he has no money. Never takes me anywhere were I like, i’m always last on his lists, prefer’s to be with his friends. I know everyone would be telling me, then why do you continue to stay with him. It’s harder than it is to leave. I use to be very confident person, someone who always tried to look good and dress nice and just feel alive. I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost my friends, my family about to lose my kids. My son recently told who is 8 that he wishes he never met him and he also said other things that hurt me very to hear him say those things. He demands things and continues to think that I owe him for what he has lost, this man is not responsible, no job, no place to stay in a few weeks and still thinks I need to give him my bank card and continue using my car because he lost his car as well. Zari I’ve been wanting to leave for quite sometime, I do care for him but not like I use to. But the reason I really haven’t left is because im scared of him. That if I do leave him and go NC that he will destroy my car or show up where I live and make a scene. He is mad because he knows that the minute I leave I will get back on my feet, get my family back and my support that I need and get my friends back and be with people that do love me. He is so jealous that he don’t have a normal family and he will stay behind but that’s not my fault everything that he has done is his own fault. How can I get away without having so much confrontation or will he do something bad to me? are they capable?. Im so drained, tired, exhausted. I just want my life back and find someone in the future who truly cares for me. Most importantly I want my kids to be proud of me and to see me do the right thing. I know I’m not perfect and I am just in a bad spot who needs to get out. I’m so hurt from everything.
I need your help.
- Zari Ballard
  February 6, 2017 at 6:47 pm Reply
  
  Hi Vanessa,
  
  Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, girl. Look, we always say that we’re “afraid” of the narcissist and that’s why we won’t leave but I don’t buy that. I did it too and it’s really an excuse. No matter what, you’re not going to have a “calm walk away”…it’s just not going to happen. So now is as good a time as any to do it…while you still have time to make up for lost time with your children. Thankfully, children are very resilient and forgiving but we have to catch it in time. If you read my book When Love Is a Lie, I talk about this and the guilt that I felt for dragging a narcissist from hell around with me and my son for 13-years. It wasn’t worth it. However, it was all good and now my son and I are closer than ever, even laughing about the entire nightmare even though back then nothing about it was funny!
  
  You can do this but do it with the right intention. If you truly want to leave, you will. You can’t force it but it WILL happen. Read my book if you can and I also offer phone consultations if you ever want to talk about it. Unless a person has lived this mess, they will never understand. It helps to talk about it with someone who does. Miracles can happen!
  
  Stay strong, sister! I’m here to support you:)
  
  zari xo
guthriej
January 19, 2017 at 5:35 pm Reply

You keep saying he, I don’t do men so I only know about the NAR crazy bitches.
- Zari Ballard
  January 20, 2017 at 4:49 pm Reply
  
  Hi Guthriej,
  
  I’ve written plenty about the NARC crazy bitches. In my opinion, females narcs are worse than the guys. Here’s an article to start with that I wrote for male victims and here’s a link to my book about female narcs. The reason I use “he” is because I write from my own experience and I DO do men. Sorry about that:)
  
  Zari xo
Natalie
December 28, 2016 at 12:24 pm Reply

Hi. Im trying to figure out if I have a narc or ex narc in my life. From day 1 the guy approached me in a business atmospher, dropping names of who he all knew. I didnt care and he seemed over board on his ego. I was later hired by him and he was suddenly a charmer with words and compliments. The good of usblasted maybe 3 months but we were together a good 2 1/2 yrs. Over that time period it was a roller coaster and not the normal relationship. He was very sensitive and complained how bad his life is. In one fight yelled at me because I liked my life…weird. i always felt like i was walking on egg shells with him. Alot of the fights I apologized just to cool his temper or to move on. The gifts were weird. I gave to him but he gave me nothing or something of his “to remind me of him” so he says. He always would always become a charmer when he wanted me to buy for him. Promised commitments that never followed thru. Anyway, in the end it came to a very bad head. He changed jobs then dumped the blame of us in my lap. Now for the past 6months i have noticed him driving by my home, work, and 1 other place. These times have been sporadic with me so i have no idea how many other times it has happened. I have also noticed he views my biz fb page (by my notifications) i cant c by who it is but the times r always super early (5/6am) or late (1am). And always viewed on the same exact days. Not sure if he knows i can c this or not. He has not communicated with me. Just seems he is watching. It really doesnt make sense to me at all. Does this seem anything to be concerned about? I have kept no cantact so far but like i said he hasnt contacted me. Just 1 time he stood outside my work and stared at me…trying to make eye contact but i acted like i didnt see him.
- Zari Ballard
  January 3, 2017 at 2:49 am Reply
  
  Hi Natalie,
  
  Well, whether he’s a narc or not, he sure doesn’t seem like anyone worth your time. It sure sounds like he has the behaviors…the hoovering…the “no-gifts-for-you-but-where-are-mine” attitude…you having to apologize just for the sake of apologizing. Why even bother? Don’t look out the window and don’t check the notifications on FB. They don’t much care if they are WITH you as long as they are giving you something to think about. It’s a good thing that you don’t work together anymore. Block him at every turn and start the new year right. It’s absolutely the right thing to do:)
  
  Zari xo
dang
December 22, 2016 at 8:55 pm Reply

Hi I am not sure if my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. May be you can give me your thoughts/advice on this. So I met my guy at workplace when we worked together. We started getting close. I told him I am getting attracted to you and I knew he was married but his wife did not live with him. So one day I asked him if he is separated. he said yes he is. so we started dating. after 1.5 yrs he broke up with me. We used to fight etc. I begged/cried not to leave and that I will change (well he also used to get angry) as I loved him so much. Still he left backhome to visit his family (he sued to go every summer to visit his kids and of course wife was there too. but he told me he does not sleep with her).

So we stayed together for 7yrs (on and off). Every time he used to break up and then come back to me. When one of his daughter visited him, I asked him to introduce me to her. He never did. I was hurt. Still I said thats ok. In these 7 yrs, I dreamed of marrying him. he told me he does not want to marry again as he sees marriage as just a badge. it took me a long time to get out of marriage mode and i thought ok he loves me. Even if we don’t get married at least we are still together (stupid me). Then he told me does not want to have kids as he already has kids and he does not want kids when he is already so old (I was 32 and he was 47 that time). Once again I accepted to his terms. He told me that I should be happy that he loves me more than what the husbands do now a days. But then we both were happy, no fights. He started saying that now we don’t fight. I sued to tell him that we have reached that stage where we know and deeply love each other.

After 7yrs, after he came from back home, he started distancing himself. never wanted to sleep together, spend time together etc). We started having fights as I was asking him why is he behaving like this. Then I asked him if he is breaking up with me. He said yes. He was so happy when I was not with him and so on. I felt very hurt to listen all this. There was no fights when he left for backhome. He was sending me love emails. He also mentioned that he has asked wife for divorce and that his condition at hime is not going good. I told him that I will support him with this situation. but after he came back he just broke up with me and said that he knows we got back together many times. But not this time. He does not want to give me any hopes. I cried/begged again. But nothing worked. I asked him if there is other woman. he got mad at me denied. he also said that his wife does not want to divorce but he wants to and will get divorce. its been 1.5 yrs now since he broke up with me. we have gone for few dinners together (but no romantic relationship). during our dinners he used to say he knows that I will meet some other guy and that will him hurt him a lot. I still love him to death. how can he even think like this or may be he was testing waters. but at the same time he used to say he does not want to give me any hope and we should never go to each other place now. Apart from dinner whenever I used to call him or meet him, he was always angry with me and used to say that I destroyed his life. he cannot progress when I am with him. This february we went for dinner and he was making sexual jokes and was very comfortable talking to me about sex. I got very confused at times. Then he invited me once again for dinner and this time I refused. I told him that I don’t want to go for dinner and he can go with people who makes him happy and with who he progress. He got verist upset at this and said your email was so conflicting. This was in June. I told him that I don’t know how to communicate with him anymore. For dinners he is al fine but other times he was always rude. Made me confused. His birthday was in September. I wised him and asked if he will be at home as I wanted to cook something and will just hang it on his door. He told me that he would like to go for dinners like we used to. I wanted to say no again but thought it his birthday time. OS I agreed for dinner. We went for dinner in October 2nd week. He was very different this time. was in hurry to get home. he lives by himself here. I came to know from office then he is off work due to his immigration problem. I felt very and and told him that I can help me and if he wants we can even get married so that he does not have to leave the country (he never told me whats going on his life as he thought we are not in a relationship anymore). then in november, I saw him with a girl. I felt restless. Asked him who she is and he told me to go far away from him. I felt very hurt the way he talked to me. He said my email (about immigration help destroyed everything). I don;t know what I did wrong or may be he is making that as an excuse so that he can now be with this girl. No idea. The girl to visit him from europe for 2 weeks. I felt very betrayed/hurt. I sent him message that how could his true love for me was over so soon. He told me does not go from woman to woman (or he made feel like that) and now he is with other woman and I am still hurt with our relationship and now this new girl. The new girl is 20yrs younger than him. She is around 30 and he is 51. He never responded. He gone pin drop silent now. I stopped contacting him s well. Now he backhome where the girl is also there. It kills me that he will meet her again but I cannot do anything. I am not even sure if he divorced or still going through divorced. Even if he divorced he is just recently divorced (as uni end of last year thing happened in their divorce proceedings).

What do you think my ex boyfreind nature is. Is he a narcissist or going through mid life crisis or stressed because of his divorce ? Also now he has new girl not sure if it work with the girl as she is so young and I think at some point she wants kids. And this guy will never go for that. He has experienced all this already.

Thank you for your response in advance.
- Zari Ballard
  January 3, 2017 at 12:13 am Reply
  
  Hi Dang,
  
  I’m sorry that you have endured this for so long but let me tell you, this guy has and always will be a player. Be grateful that he did not say okay to your marriage proposal (even though he is obviously still married) and that he has disappeared. He is a liar and I have no doubt he has been stringing you a long the whole time. You did nothing wrong so ignore that shifting of the blame game. All those periodic dinners were nothing more than to keep you in the queue just in case whatever he was up to didn’t work out. His wife is being strung along as well and I guarantee there is NO divorce happening nor has there ever been. There were probably many times that he still DID live with her and lied to you about it. There is no doubt in my mind that he is pulling the wool over this new girl’s eyes as well (and she probably isn’t even that new!).
  
  Please read through the articles on this site, girl, so you can see this guy for what he is. He is a complete jerk and – yes – he is absolutely a narcissist of the worst kind. Block him so that he can’t call you ever again. Let him go be someone else’s problem forever. He will only reappear to waste your time and we only get one shot at this life. He is not – nor has he EVER been – worth a second of your time. You deserve to be happy in this new year, sister!
  
  Stay strong!
  
  Zari xox

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