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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • J.P.

    April 28, 2017 at 4:18 am Reply

    I think you mean “hovering”? As in a hovercraft? HOOvering is only a word in Britain, and it means “to vacuum.”

    • Zari Ballard

      May 3, 2017 at 11:23 pm Reply

      I never heard of any word that was exclusive to Britain, J.P. And I know what I mean or I wouldn’t write it. In fact, everyone here knows what HOOVERING means and, yes, it is HOOVERING, not hovering. And, yes, it refers to the vacuum meaning WE GET SUCKED BACK IN TO THE MADNESS.

  • Sebastian

    April 10, 2017 at 4:24 pm Reply

    Hi! Fantastic post. I have quite a dilemma. My ex has led me on (hovering) for about two months, and when I called her out on her bullshit, she exploded, and now is trying to make me look like the bad guy. I really don’t care about what she thinks of me, but the problem is that I go to school with her. We both go to a very, very, very tiny high school, with less than 100 students for 9-12th grades. I run into her ALL the time, and although I have been very clear about my desire to part ways, she says things around me to harp on my insecurities to make me feel bad. She says some really cruel stuff. I want her totally out of my life, and every time I see or hear her at school, I regress a little bit. It’s very hard to move on when she’s torturing me through passive-aggression.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 25, 2017 at 2:56 pm Reply

      Hi Sebastian,

      So sorry that you have to deal with her everyday! There’s not much you can do except continue to ignore it. With these types of people, being silent during the smear campaign is the best defense. The fact that she’s yapping her mouth off and you’re just going about your business not responding or acknowledging automatically puts you in a better light. Here’s a wish that high school goes by really fast so that you can get away from this nightmare.

      Zari:)

  • Dori

    April 6, 2017 at 3:34 am Reply

    I am still unsure if he is a narcissist or a love avoider. He definitely did the quick fast romance, his pattern is every 4 months…he gets bored, quiet, disinterested and usually cheats or goes on line for escape….and lies, but he is very good with his money and successful. This last time, I got into his dating site and saw how he BS women and mirrors what they say in their profiles as to attract them….some women buy into it, others see it. I confronted him about the site, showed him screen shots and told him, NOW I know your game and you can’t BS me anymore. Best not to ever believe them.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 9, 2017 at 6:20 pm Reply

      Hi Dori,

      You don’t say if you consider this guy to be your boyfriend or not so it’s hard for me to tell. I would say that a guy who love bombs, grows bored after 4 months, mirrors online dating profiles in order to hook up, and lies all the time is to be avoided no matter what he is. And there are, btw, plenty of narcissists and sociopaths who have money and success…this makes them a “high level” narc, that’s all. Run the other way…at the very least, why even bother with a love avoider? Life is way too short and the behaviors you describe are the ones that never change.

      Zari:)

  • Yvette 1

    March 21, 2017 at 5:32 am Reply

    Hi again Zari. Apologies for the long comment. I haven’t been able to go no contact. I did it for 23 days and that is as far as I could get. So, I had a phone conversation with him and I am confused. In the last 18 months that we were “together” (it was an 8 year thing that “broke up” just before Christmas) he was actually quite attentive and helpful, the most that he has ever been. He was (and is) seeing a girl (among others) whom he had met the previous October and his explaintion then, and now, is that he went off with her coz they have heated conversations sometimes but they don’t argue like we always did and she doesn’t say negative things about him, which I do often coz his behaviour was never acceptable to me so I said something. So, he was saying that I was too negative then and he says the same thing now. He says that he is my friend, otherwise he wouldn’t be contacting me (he contacts me coz I contact him, it’s never just out of the blue) but I’m confused because he actually tells me that he is seeing this girl. Now, he ALWAYS, for the whole 8 years, said that he didn’t want a girlfriend and when I asked him why he refers to himself as “seeing” someone (but he never said that about me) he says that he only sees her every 2 weeks so she is not in his pocket (we saw each other every day with a number of months silent treatment of course). He has always been open about his other girls and of course him saying this (about “seeing” someobe) adds to my rejection. And he is saying that he isn’t sleeping with anyone else either, which adds to the rejection too. But I am also confused coz he seems to be a lot more mellow now. He seems to be more caring and actually considerate (a little bit) of others. Now I KNOW FOR A FACT that he is a Narcicist so is this real, and he really has rejected me, or is he just playing with my emotions again to make me feel like crap? I am also confused as to why he would still want me in his life, since I am so negative. He works so hard to “train” me .. he spends hours going over how he needs me to behave and that makes me feel like he cares. Is he a nicer guy now? Has he mellowed with age? I just don’t know. I don’t even know if he is hoovering coz I am the one who contacts him. I obviously still have co-dependency to hope and I am finding it very hard to convince myself that NC is a good idea. I miss his personality. Many men are very stupid to me and I am finding it hard to let anyone else in or be intellectually stimulated by anyone else  (and what the hell is sex? Forget even any sexual attraction to anyone else). I can’t even be around men coz I feel that they are judging me as bad. I miss not having someone to talk to every day and so I reach out to him, even though I know what he is. Am I just not seeing reality here or has he actually found some kind of happiness with her (I suspect that she has narcissistic tendencies too) or is he just trying to triangulate? I have to say that he rings me when I send texts saying that I am not there for him anymore. He very rarely returns texts. How do I convince myself that my life will actually be happy without him and go no contact? I just don’t believe that it will. It all feels so hopeless. I just can’t seem to see the woods for the trees =(

  • Merve Ozdemir

    March 18, 2017 at 1:45 am Reply

    Amazing amazing amazing posts! Thank you! :)) I’ve been subjectted to 2 narcissistic abusive relationships (probably because I’m a giver) and I didn’t even notice. I was in so much pain but because of gaslight, always thought it was something I did. Eventually, I googled things my bf did to me and came across to abuse articles. Then I had my wake up call and since then I was free of abusive relationships 🙂 Because I am a giver doesn’t mean I am stupid.
    Funny thing is, my first abuser came back years later and I told him off. I said: “I don’t want to talk to you or see you. And the last time we spoke you felt the same about me (discarding phase). So this is great, I wish you a happy day.” And he was shocked. After that I was completely sure he wouldn’t come back because his ego was hurt, but a few days ago “The Hoovering” began. I didn’t understand what was happening, why was he back but no thanks to you it all makes sense. After reading this I guess I will just stop thinking about it and keep ignoring him, won’t let him back in my head. I moved on. He is not a part of my present or future.
    So THANK YOU!!! 🙂 I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I figured out what was happening.

  • Kari

    March 9, 2017 at 8:18 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, I made the mistake of emailing my ex “happy birthday” after no contact for 2 years of no contact. He is now remarried and I stupidly thought after this long I was feeling sentimental and wished him happy birthday. That started a string of emails back and forth over 2 weeks. He told me how much he missed me, thought of me every hour of the day etc. All of a sudden he asked me if I would consider seeing him again (he lives 8 hours away). I was kind of blown away and caught off guard. When I asked what he meant by it and if he was thinking of a friends with benefits situation and I was hoping this wasn’t the reason he was claiming he missed me so much. He emailed back and said he was “very insulted” by my question. Then he never answered back and cut me off. I sent 2 emails, no response at all. He had a pattern of giving me silent treatments anytime I caught him in a lie or questioned him on anything. I always had to choose my words carefully to avoid him giving me silent treatment or being moody. I am very upset with myself that he did this to me once again after over 2 years of no contact. I was so nice to him too. I don’t understand why this person is so insensitive. I’m positive he wanted to start something with me and cheat on his wife. I happened to peek on his facebook page and he is on there with photos of him and wife him saying how much he loves her! I was never sure if he was a narc or not, but he must be…had the love bombing too. He is very selfish and I think very phony on social media. How can I get over this – I feel like I went backwards. I’m so upset!

    • Zari Ballard

      March 18, 2017 at 5:10 pm Reply

      Hi Kari,

      So sorry for the late response….You didn’t go backwards…it was just a little glitch!!! Forget it even happened. If nothing else, it reinforced for you the fact that HE IS WHAT HE IS. The best that happened is that he went silent. Block him from being able to contact you now because now that it has happened once (even if it was YOU reaching out), he will feel falsely entitled to create anxiety in your life whenever he can. Just start over. Again, you didn’t go backwards…two years had gone by. Change your perspective of it – NOW YOU KNOW FOR SURE! He is a player and a cheater and nothing nice. You don’t have to wonder about that anymore.

      Keep the faith…you are fine! It’s really okay, sister…..xoxo

      • Jeanette

        March 31, 2017 at 8:20 am Reply

        Hi Kari – I just read your story and I agree with Zari – you did not go backwards. You had doubts over the past few years so you thought you’d reach out and see what happened. With my Narc I thought about him off and on for 10 years – I’d go to his Facebook page and see that he got married and had kids. And in my mind he had found “The One” and was happily married and raising his children and having a perfect life. When he hovered me 10 years later, his life was a mess. He was suffering from depression, his marriage was in shambles, he was not connected to his kids at all, he was broke and when I went to see where he lived, the house and yard looked so sad. The fence needed repairing, there was garbage laying around all over and the lawn wasn’t cared for. Does that sound like a happy life?

        My N wasn’t happy and despite what your ex has told you, neither is he. Facebook can be a lie. I “lie” on Facebook too – I only post good pictures of myself. I only share good things. I don’t know anyone on my FB that posts, “Got into a huge fight with the wife this weekend because I’m a lazy arse and I don’t help clean up or help with the kids.” Who would do that?

        You’ve got to change how you’re thinking about this guy. Guaranteed he is NOT happy. Guaranteed his wife is sick of him – his silent treatments (he doesn’t only do this with you – he does it with everybody), his chaos and mind games. You’re not the only one he treats like that – I can bet ALL the money I own on that. He said he was “very insulted” by your question. Think about it – HE asked YOU first! He was setting you up for an opportunity to take the moral high ground and make himself look good. It was just a way to bring you through another cycle of abuse and to make him feel powerful. He’s an immature baby. You talked to him for a couple weeks which really isn’t that long – maybe you had some memories of the good times, but that’s about it. It won’t take you long to get over this. You might feel bad for a while for opening up the door to him, but seriously – you have nothing to prove to HIM and everything to prove to yourself. You now know what and who he is. Let him marinate in his own stench. Let him abuse someone else. He is a Narc. You have to believe that.

  • Lisa

    March 7, 2017 at 10:09 am Reply

    I cannot tell you how badly I want to comment here. My relationship was for 7 years….and it has been a month since he just up and left….no reason. Just that he needed to do it for the both of us. He has left probably 5 times and I have taken him back each time, because I felt there was no other person that fit me as perfectly as he did. What always got me was he would say, “I’m doing this to teach you a lesson.” I can honestly say I gave everything to this man…..he wiped me out financially. And just before he left this last time, he got over $40,000 left to him after his grandmother passed. Do you think he offered to pay back any of the over $50.000 I withdrew from my retirement to help pay all bills while he didn’t work? Nope. Not one penny. He has smeared me to his family and daughters, and I know blames me for his relapse to drinking again. The name calling….the lies…..and oh the silent treatments. He would even tell me that after an argument, I was not to come around him for about 2 days. In the beginning, we had dated for a month and he asked to move with me back to my hometown. I said yes. He was perfect for me. We laughed. Sex was great. Now….I’m left destitute…sad…confused….I’ve read every Narcissist/Sociopath article that I can find. I would write more about him so that you could see he is a true Narc….borderline Soc. Just two days before he left this time, he had told me how much he loved me and we were looking to buy a home. Then…..poof….just gone. His ex-wife told me she would catch him on porn sites….he denies it. When he would go to the bathroom, he would always lock the door and usually take his phone. At night, his phone was put on Do Not Disturb…..he said he didn’t want calls from work. HIs family enables him to no end. They just say, “Do what makes you happy.” That’s the ONE thing you don’t tell a Narc, and Alcoholic, or an Addict….they already do that!!! Ugh….how did I get to this point? I’m smarter than this.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 4:04 pm Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      So sorry that you are going through this…oh he sounds like a narc alright. You have to trust your intuition about this…if we feel that the narc matches the definition, then he does. All narcissistic behaviors connect….that is the reason that you found your way to a website like this in the first place. HOWEVER, the bottom line is that narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. They know how to manipulate the situation and manage down our expectations. IT’S WHAT THEY DO. And it’s not abnormal for us, as normal people with feelings, to want to believe that this person that we care about and have invested our time into is telling us the truth. How can you blame yourself for that? But now that you know, it’s time to get out.

      I know that the money part is rough….to let that go. He isn’t, however, going to ever feel as if he owes you anything. When he got that $40K, did you DEMAND that he give you some money? If we wait for them to take the lead on something like that, it will just never happen. You would have likely had to throw a livid fit for it to happen but sometimes that what we have to do.

      Don’t blame yourself….I wrote an article about that. It’s non-productive. There’s no need, after it’s over, to beat ourselves up for staying when that’s what the narc did the whole time we were together – BLAME US. Why carry on the legacy? Now that you know what’s up, it’s time to pull away from all of them…him, the family, mutual friends….and start to find your way again. It can be done.

      Please continue to read all of the articles here and all of the stories underneath in the comment section that so many have shared. There are so many awesome people who have felt and are still feeling the same thing. We will all support you…..

      Zari xo

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