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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Merry

    March 21, 2015 at 4:54 am Reply

    Hi. I just discovered , after seven years, that my boyfriend is a cognitive narcissist. There were so many things about him that I could not understand, the way he was ALWAYS right, the way he dismisses everything I say/think/feel, he could never be happy when something good would happen to me, he was a wet blanket whenever I felt joy. He gives me the silent treatment until I think I’m going crazy, and then reappears acting like he is doing me a favor , expecting me to beg for forgiveness. I have played the perfect co dependent and fed his ego like the insatiable beast that it is. Three days ago, during one of the silent treatments, I discovered cognitive narcissism and it fits him so well that I stayed up all night reading about it. I’m still being punished with silence but I am fortified with my decision to end it when and if he ever returns. He has done this hundreds of times, always making me feel like I did something wrong. My problem is this, And I really hope someone here can shed some light on this…..he never cheated or lied (except I’m wondering if he hasn’t lied about caring about me this whole time). But all of the articles say they lie and cheat. He is VERY moralistic and judges me like I am a worthless whore. Early on in our relationship he physically violated me and threw me out of the house by my hair, telling me it was over. I went to a girlfriends and she had people over, I had too much to drink and ended up hooking up with someone. My BF came to my friends house early in the am and threatened my friend and dragged me out of there. I was too scared to tell him what happened , but I told him later when the guilt was too much. So….for the past 6 plus years I have been paying for this mistake…I am the liar, cheater and destroyer of our relationship….while he acts like a saint. And I bought into this! I have been paying dearly with my mind body and emotions, but his desire to make me suffer is insatiable. He will likely contact me again soon when he wants sex. Although he is cognitive narc, he uses sex to feel like he owns me. I’ve wondered so much about what goes on inside his head that I have nearly lost my own. I have done everything I can think of to work on myself, yet he has not once tried or even considered that he is adding to the dysfunction. I am exhausted, and a year ago I tried to kill myself bc I could not get him away from me, and I could not muster the strength to leave. He scares me to death. So for the past year I have been extremely submissive and things have still been very very bad. I need out like I need oxygen! Please help!!! I am getting ready to cut all ties with him and I hope I can do it. He tends to have a hypnotic effect on me, so even when I think I know what I want….he steps in and my brain turns to jelly. In his presence I really become as dumb as he believes me to be. All of my friends and family have left bc he called and harasses each one of them. I am alone in this, although I have been taking comfort in reading the stories of other survivors. I honestly had know idea what I was dealing with until now. I’ve wasted years on someone who will never change and I can’t stand to waste one more second. He is like a earworm that has infected my mind….his thoughts dominate me even when he is not around! Any and all thoughts are welcome. Thank you!!!

  • I Am A Narcissist-Repellant

    March 12, 2015 at 7:17 pm Reply

    The absolute BEST way to deal with a Narcissist is to CUT THEM OFF COMPLETELY. You do this by BLOCKING all of their current or future attempts to weasel their way back into your life. BLOCK THEIR CELL PHONE NUMBER (OR DELETE IT FROM YOUR CELL PHONE). BLOCK THEIR LANDLINE OR HOME PHONE. BLOCK THEIR EMAIL ACCOUNT. BLOCK THEIR ABILITY TO IM, OR INSTANT MESSAGE YOU. If they send you anything via mail, DO NOT OPEN IT. In fact, PUT “RETURN TO SENDER” ON THE PACKAGE AND RETURN IT. DELETE THEM FROM YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT (AND NEVER CHECK THEIR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT). DELETE ALL PICTURES. DELETE ALL EMAILS. THROW AWAY ALL CARDS AND LETTERS. Remember that your Narcissist is a bug under your shoe and the BEST WAY TO SQUASH THIS BUG IS TO CUT HIM (OR HER) OFF COMPLETELY. I have done all of these things and feel stronger by the day.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 10:16 pm Reply

      Dear I-Am-A-Narcissist-Repellant,

      I couldn’t have said a single thing better myself! Right on!!!

      Zari xo

  • Splashy

    March 11, 2015 at 9:52 pm Reply

    This was really helpful. I was with him a few years ago then got bk together afta. Few years. Now im pregnant,early, and its so much worse. Wasn planned but he says he wanted me to get pregnant so it happend! Now everythings my fault. Luckly i don live with him. Tho hes gotta key. He sayin hes goin to work away and he says he can do beta. Tho he can txt sayin he loves me then ten mins later when hes thourght something horrible he will txt me and say how mch he hates me. Etc when i fite bk he turns it around on me. My feeling arent importnant but i have to listen to his! I cant get out of this relationship. He says hes gunna leave me so y dont he just do that?!? Help wot do i do. I cant even see my mates ne more cus he wont let me! Help me plz im soooo stressed n unhappy. Thank u

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 10:02 pm Reply

      Hi Splashy,

      I’m very sorry for your situation and I know how helpless it feels. However, the helpless feeling is exactly what he wants you to feel. By keeping you isolated and helpless, he maintains his control. YOU HAVE THE POWER to change it and you always have. As for the pregnancy, I would think quickly and seriously about that one. Do you really want to be connected to this beast FOREVER? There are ways of course to resolve that situation – either by not having it at all or by having it all by yourself and AWAY from him. As helpless as this feels, it is NOT the end of the world and you are NOT doomed to live in this nightmare. Make some decisions and make the break. The fact that you don’t live with him means that you DO have ways to go NO CONTACT and if he is going to go away to work, LET HIM GO. Change your number or block him at all costs. Go stay with one of your mates that he’s made you ignore for awhile until you figure it out.

      These assholes make us forget that we DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Life is too short and we are just wasting time when we hang in there for nothing. It’s never going to change and the ONLY one who CAN turn it around is you. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK, SISTER. It’s time to make a move. he’s assumes that because your pregnant, you’re really stuck now but YOU’RE NOT. Do what you have to do but get away from this bastard once and for all.

      Stay strong and keep me updated…..I know that you can do this!

      Zari xo

  • Tbones2015

    March 11, 2015 at 2:12 am Reply

    I’m split on if my recent made ex is a N. He found me on social media and I’ve been married for ten happy years. I did tell him I was married but he didn’t seem to care and said there was just something about me, he was consumed. I would tell him things I was lacking in my marriage and he would fulfill them all- send flowers to my work, gifts, etc. I literally thought he was the one I had always been waiting for- my soul mate.. He is very very good looking, charismatic, successful, dresses to kill- women would just ogle and melt over him when we were out..he also knew it. Very arrogant, would make fun of people he worked with that we’re not good looking or did not dress well. He lives in another state and would fly across the states to see me for a weekend here and there. I have children and he pushed SOO hard to meet them and would say he pictured stepping in and being there for all of us.. He would say things like he pictured us being a family and that he felt such ‘affection’ for them. So I introduced him to my daughter and she fell for him too. I did sleep with him and that is when things got strange. He flew back home and gave me an abrupt out of nowhere silent treatment and pull back from his affections. I was devastated. Finally after several days I called him out on it and he apologized, blamed it on a bad work week and came back on full force again. He would face time my daughter and I every day, talk about the future and asked if I had looked into divorce attorneys. Then I flew out to see him. Seeing him in his environment was shocking. His arrogance and self inflated ego knew no bounds. He was very attentive and like his ‘old self’ that first night and the sex was great. The next day things changed.. He was no longer holding my hand, no longer attentive or romantic or talking of our future.. He was too busy on his cell phone! He did introduce me to his family but was cold the rest of my trip. We even went to a bar one night and he was like a vulture scoping out other women. It was awful! I thought who is this man and what am I doing here risking my marriage and life for him? I tried to fly back home but there were no flights.. I also found a text message from a half naked woman to him on his phone when he left it open. I remember thinking.. How many of us are there?! The last night there he somehow sucked me back in and took me to a fancy candlelight dinner and charmed me again..

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 9:42 pm Reply

      Hi TBones2015,

      Well, he sure sounds like a textbook narcissist to me. This guy is NO GOOD FOR ANYONE. It’s clear that you really already have him figured out…your gut instincts are completely spot-on. There shouldn’t be a question in your mind, girl. Forget you ever met him, be glad that he lives in another state, block him for being ever able to contact you again (EVER!), and get on with your life and your marriage. You don’t have to go into detail with your daughter about what happened…just act as if it never happened. Seriously, this guy is a complete asshole. This is what they do. This is who they are. Pathological liars, cheaters, lies, lies, lies. He doesn’t want a girlfriend…he just wants to see how many he can keep in the queue at any given time. Do the right thing for yourself and for your family. You don’t even have to tell him. Simply disappear…change your number if you have to….stay away from social media (the stomping ground for ALL narcissists). Get out now before anyone discovers it…he’s not worth it.

      Good luck to you and I’ll be thinking of you….

      Zari xo

      • Tbones2015

        March 16, 2015 at 4:08 pm Reply

        My message cut off halfway.. The rest was that when I got home he said we needed to be friends and that ‘my situation’ was too hard for him to deal with (hes always known about my situation! And that he wasnt even sure if he wanted or liked kids-again he pushed for the kids!) and that he felt lost and needed to find himself and I was a distraction.. I begged and cried and lost any pride I may have had.. He remained firm and said we should just be friends..So for the last two weeks we have been just that-except friends dont text half naked pictures and selfies of themselves do they? Because that is what he has been doing. I couldnt cut off all contact bc a part of me felt like any contact was better than none. Finally this last weekend I had posted a dressed up picture of myself on social media and he called me instantly and was super angry! Asking me why I was dressed up, who I was dating, where I was going etc. Half of me felt like he had no buisness asking these things and the other half was excited that maybe he was having a change of heart!? I didnt respond to him because by now Im semi onto his games..Then that night he sends me a screenshot of my facebook profile picture which I had recently changed to my husband and I (trying to work on things) and he said ‘apparently honesty is not something you can give me and have a nice life.’ Then he blocked me on all social media and his phone. Mixed feelings now. Does he really care and is there a chance he is having a change of heart? Or is this part of the mind game to suck me back in and make me beg. Then…there is a small part of me that feels relieved to not have to maintain that minute bit of contact. Its like..I almost feel free and like I can breathe again! Will he come back around and try to make contact in the future or has he cut me off because I wont feed into his mind trap?

        • Tbones2015

          March 19, 2015 at 4:42 pm Reply

          I finally caved and wrote him a long email (being that he blocked me on everything else) and def am regretting it..Why can I not move on? How do I move on? The email questioned why he was jealous and I did say I missed him and no response now for days. If he was a narc wouldnt he keep me in queue? This whole thing has SOOO messed with my head. I’ve never in my life felt this messed up in the head!

  • Dawn

    March 4, 2015 at 5:00 pm Reply

    I believe the person I am with is a n. He has told me he wanted to marry me only after moving out. So I moved back and after a minor disagreement he makes a statement like how can we get married all we do is fight. This dance if you will has happened several times. Now it’s replaced with why can’t you just be happy with what we have. He comes right out and states I will do what I want when I want. But when I leave he eventually calls or texts. He’s called me names like stupid, your crazy, I hate you, get out with me having to move back and forth. I am in a state all by myself and my family is two hours away. So when this happens time time again I feel empty. Please help me with the first steps of leaving. When I do block his number he calls and says just remember I can always get to you! Wtf is this all about

  • Heartbroken

    March 2, 2015 at 1:33 am Reply

    Is anyone still active on this website? I’d really like some feedback on my N situation. Thank you.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 5, 2015 at 7:52 am Reply

      Hello Heartbroken,

      Please share your story and I will respond, I promise. It takes me a few days but I will get to it. I haven’t gone through all of my recent posts yet so you may have already shared and I will see it. Hang in there….this is a place of support! Now that your first post has been answered, all others that you write will show automatically so that others can write to you as well.

      Zari xo

  • Roxanne

    February 27, 2015 at 1:08 am Reply

    Zari, thank you for your books, I have both of them. You include excerpts from your online chats with support groups, I’d like to enter one of those. How can I do this? I wrote down each of the sites you identified in the book but don’t know which is the best to seek support. I’m in a world of hurt. Help!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 28, 2015 at 8:12 am Reply

      Hi Roxanne,

      Thank you for writing and I’d love it if you left reviews on Amazon for the books if you get a chance! The excerpts that I include in the book were from Lovefraud.com using the comment section under the blog articles much like we do here. However, the way that site is set up, we were able to communicate pretty much in real time if we wanted to. I’d like to set this site up like that. Another site is psychopathfree.com and click on “forum” in the navigation bar, I think. Another one is lisaescott.com. Hope that helps, sister!!

      Stay strong!

      Zari

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