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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • pat Sulek

    February 21, 2019 at 6:10 pm Reply

    It sounds crazy. For my 47 yo.son is a personification of a narcissist. If you can help me with some advice and insight
    I tell you I need help in the most desperate way.his games are killing me

  • crystal

    November 30, 2018 at 1:16 am Reply

    so my ex after leaving me pregnant and used the silent treatment on me the whole time decided to after 6 months move back and text me we need to talk. I agreed to meet with him and wanted him to talk because I had constantly sent emails letters. I was done telling my side of the story but of course ended up being the only one talking. he said he had no idea what he did wrong. now has been texting me for a week constantly asking me questions about what I meant when I said this or that I keep happily offering up everything like an idiot. now he keeps texting crystal, I need to tell you something can we meet I need to see you in person. I say yes then get ready then call him and he says, maybe another time not a big deal. then I get pissed and tell him thanks a lot now I’m an hour early to work so I get to sit in my car and has not even responded to me or about it. I keep asking him wth he meant when he said never mind ill take care of it myself. he refuses to answer . what does it mean when someone always acts as if they have to tell you something important and to keep you guessing all the time then act as if they never said anything?

    • Zari Ballard

      January 12, 2019 at 11:41 pm Reply

      Hi Crystal,

      Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I hope to God you have gotten away from this horrible person. I am very familiar with that weird tactic of narcs of making you think they have something important to say but then they either do not show up or they pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. It’s not that complicated, girl. All it is is a way to keep you on the hook and in a heightened state of anxiety. Stop taking his calls, do not respond to his texts. He left you high and dry girl and you made it six months. You can do it again. This is a new year:)….xo

  • Jenn Rockefeller

    October 14, 2018 at 1:55 pm Reply

    This site seems to have copied this article in its entirety without giving you credit.

    http://ushealthupdate.com/a-narcissist-always-returns-the-hoovering/

    • Zari Ballard

      October 14, 2018 at 5:42 pm Reply

      Wow Jenn…thank you. You are absolutely right. So, I go to the article to post a comment telling the “admin” that this is my article and it is waiting moderation. I click on “contact us” and “contact” and “about” down at the bottom and nothing. It keeps me on the same page. The only good thing is that they kept the links in it so it will come back to my site if people click on the article links. But yeah, I have a feeling there are a whole bunch of articles on this website that belong to other writers. Thank you so much for letting me know. I appreciate it very much!

      Zari:)

  • IamAB

    October 11, 2018 at 9:32 am Reply

    My wife and I separated in 2016 after a bad fight. she moved in with her mother and we still talked, went out and spoke about repairing our relationship. My father died in July that year and she was dead set on showing up around my family as my father counted his last days. Shortly after that, we got back together. I found out that about a month after we separated she was dating this guy. She was so BOLD to have sent me a pic of the back of this guy with a caption. i asked who he was and she said, a friend of the family. I eventually put 2 and 2 together and realized she was in a relationship with him while we were separated. That led to another fight and separation. Fast forward when we got back together again, went through counseling, I found out she had PD. 2017 this guy is back to emailing her and she blamed him and said now she has to deal with my BS. 2018, in August, she flipped on me about work and said she was done (after she took a job 5 minutes from where he was living). A week later, I saw him going into the hotel she had been staying at for “work”. She brought him to our home to collect her things. For a month I felt like everything was my fault, I was the bad person. She couldnt even give me the truth in the end even though I could see EVERY message in the iPad she left to him. He has now moved out of his wife’s home to live in hotels with her up until a few weeks ago where they now have an apt together. He is now all over her social media kissing and she blocked me 1 month after she was posting pics of us at my family’s. I told her how much of a narcissist she was in an email and subsequent (minutes later) I get a text from her mother whom I havent spoken to since 2017 when her mother passed. I came across something on Pintrest and realized I’ve been with a NPD for 5 yrs! After further curiosity and reading about the disorder and posts and blogs, it’s like someone wrote my life out without knowing anything about it! Nothing is her fault, her cheating which she doesnt acknowledge and blamed me for giving her the opportunity to meet him, her lies even when called out to her she bullies me through overtalking yelling and becoming irrate, anything a normal wife would ask their wife became an inflamed argument. and the weirdest part of it all is that she’s been with women for 13yrs and after our 2nd separation, she has been targeting men for attention, soliciting sex meet ups from Ashley Madison and Tinder. It’s like I didnt know this woman. After we got back together, i always had this sense of uneasiness. Every situation she is the victim or the hero. She made MY life better, her past relationships were abusive or someone else was cheating, and now i am the “abuser” and has suffered by the hands of me for 5 years. Deflections, lies, everything you can think of has happened over our 5 years. Now that she is gone, I initially hated the guy and thought he was an opportunist. Now I feel sorry for him. He has no idea what’s coming his way and the fact that he has older kids (21 and 16), I hope they don’t get exposed to her. Everyone around me could see through her and that’s why she isolated me from my friends. She hated my friends I went to college with (especially the psych professionals) and never wanted to be around them. But she enjoyed being around my other group of friends who are not as “well off” as her and I were. She even lied to me about how much she made and working 80hrs a week only to come across a stub of 45hrs 1 of the week and HALF the salary she told me. So I assume she was warming up her next target/familiar target she kept in touch with. I can’t image living your entire life under the same script with different characters. She even calls him now the pet name she gave me. I was hurt, felt thrown away like trash, she could care less about all the bills and the animals she left me with, then angry, all the stages of grief. The only thing she wanted was a laptop i bought her and an iPad and to cherry pick the house of items we bought to furnish their new apartment. Hellz no! She even looked me in my eyes and told me he is 100% her soul mate. Now I know WHO she is and how she thinks and her inability to love of feel loved, I somewhat feel sorry for her. I know she will come back again when she realizes she is not his priority and can no longer afford the lifestyle she had with me. But I have engaged the NO CONTACT contract with myself. No more hoovering here!

  • A survivor

    August 16, 2018 at 1:34 pm Reply

    how certain is it that the hoover will occur even after he deleted me off social media? i’m 4 weeks into radio silence after a blow-up fight when i found out he was lying to me.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 17, 2018 at 3:17 pm Reply

      Hi survivor,

      Being deleted off social media is the NORM and I’ve never heard of it slowing down or eliminating a hoover. However, you can’t be wondering or worried about that. You have to act as if he is never going to hoover and get along with your life. There is no time to waste….

      Zari xo

  • Debbie

    July 28, 2018 at 5:42 am Reply

    Hi everyone,

    My narc boyfriend, whom I met over a year ago, wound himself back into my life after several months no contact.
    Long story short, he moved in for 3 months before hell broke loose.
    It was on it’s way down as all the stories go and the formula by which this man lives by is down to the T! Incredible how predictable, I wish I read this site’s blogs before…..

    he moved out just over a month ago, his first messages to me were about 3 weeks in and he started off well, but when I declined to meet up for a drink, he went off saying terrible things.
    I never cared, had feelings, had heart, knew what I wanted, know who I am.
    I am selfish, evil, a liar, have had men in my bed.

    On and on. OH and he is in love with one woman only and i made him realise that it wasn’t me and he is back with her.
    (remember he asked me for a drink before this “truth” came out 2 hours earlier in the day).

    I blocked. 2 weeks later – online message- blocked. 3 days later phone call – hung up blocked the number.
    He said he misses me he wants to see me only 30 minutes, why can’t we hang out, we were so close.

    I have to vent because it is like NOTHING HAPPENED! Like the breakup wasn’t bad, like he hadnt just moved himself into my life to become something – being the first man to move in.
    Oh and like all he said 2 weeks prior and how I am not his type or a good person = didn’t happen.

    I am running, no contact, I want to know the following from people’s experience:
    1- is a narc likely to show up? or they just do the minimum- calls/msgs to get back on track with you
    2- how much attempts/rejection can a narc take?
    3- if I DO see him in person ever, how do I respond, my instinct is to physically start running opposite LOL but I don’t know

    The truth is, the calls/msgs shook me up, re traumatized me, spoiled my mood and day during/after, it is better to hear nothing the little attempts are stabs of reminders what a non-feeling person I cared for…

  • Braxton Wagstaff

    May 20, 2018 at 6:37 pm Reply

    Can this same behavior come from a woman? Can a woman be a narcissist? I’ve been discarded by her numerous times. I have found out her game and she knows I have all facts of her cheating ways.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 7, 2018 at 3:27 pm Reply

      Hi Braxton,

      Of course a woman can be a narcissist. In fact, in my opinion, the female narcs are worse than the male narcs could ever be. I’ve written a book about it called When Evil Is a Pretty Face on Amazon. I bet you’d see yourself on every page…

      Zari:)

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