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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Ashley

    July 6, 2015 at 8:53 am Reply

    I’m will rewrite the post. ……let’s just skip too the middle by this time I had gotten pregnant he started to go out I didn’t mind because he usually stayed home after a while he began to go out a lot more an I would tell him I’m lonely an I needed him he told me I was being over dramatic an sensitive …i didn’t know what to do or say ..m I figured maybe spicing up our sex life after my daughter was born I asked a friend of mine who obviously wasn’t a friend to join us in bed so the night of it all I got jealous he seemed to be more invested in her then me so I didn’t want to continue as it was Clear in didn’t want to continue they both did anyway so on an so forth I ended up going to bed with them to having sex beside me I woke up the next morning an he was all over me kissing me telling me how much he loved me an so i wrote it off as him just bring drunk ….then later that day after she had gone home he started accusing me of being gay an telling me i probably really in joyed that an that more then he did basically blaming me for his actions I couldn’t believe my ears because he was the one who continued the sex long after I had clearly shown that i wasn’t into it..4 months had gone by an now I was pregnant again this time he…. got worse he went out almost every other day hb would go out get new clothes an shoes never buying me nor our children anythyhing he would get dressed befor he would go out an then basically do a fashion walk asking if he looked good or not going to strip clubs spending thousands of dollars he would come home drunk an on coke brought people home with him waking me up out of my sleepso I can meet some chick that he said was there for his friend all the while I’m 6 .7 months pregnant i would tell him how this made me feel but he didn’t seem to care ib was really hurt cause I didn’t understand how if a person loves you why wouldn’t they care enough to spend time with you he stated we can do that when where old an the children move out ..but how was I spouse to love a man I never seen .I would accuse him of cheating a he stated I come home to you every night have you every found me cheating ot have proof that I’m then maybe im not .. one night hr
    went out didn’t come home till 9 in a.m he came in piss pore drunk with the smell of stripper an another woman’s private parts on his breath 8 months pregnant i had to drag him in the bathroom brush his teeth an bath him because the smell of another woman was so strong ….. till this day im he still telld me it never happened …..after i had our son ibwould ask if i could go out with him he would tell me it was just him an the Boys but it was always just him an the boy’s …. so I made plans to go out with some friend’s as I’m getting dress he starts belittling me talking about my clothes asking if i was wearing that ..were I was going who I was going with a when I would be back. .ib didn’t understand because in hadn’t ever don’t that to him I didn’t blow up his phone out text him all night asking him what he was doing so it confused me ….after about 3 more years we were off an b on he would feed me these lies of hire he changed …he would be great for a whike then b back at it again he would tell me how could I be upset when I lived in a 3 bed room to bath with a fire place family room back office an a garage with a spa shower. ….I was feed up with it alll.so I began looking for mt own place he didn’t believe I would move out told me it was the worst mistake I ever made ….he began showing up at my house after a night of partying an when things didn’t go bhis way he became violent one he punched b me puked his gun to my face an stated .. bitch do you wanna die do you think this is a game that was my breaking point ..I moved changed my number an I text his sister if I want him to get the kids she comes to get them a drop them off too him he still tells me no one I’d ever going to want b me no onev wants a 24 year old single mother with 3 kids..so was he a narcissists or just a ass whole

    • Zari Ballard

      July 6, 2015 at 1:22 pm Reply

      Ashley wrote...he began showing up at my house after a night of partying an when things didn’t go bhis way he became violent one he punched b me puked his gun to my face an stated .. bitch do you wanna die do you think this is a game that was my breaking point ….so was he a narcissists or just a ass whole

      Hi Ashley,

      I’m going to tell you the same thing that I wrote you after your very first post: who cares if he’s a narcissist or not? After reading what you wrote above, it’s time to move on. He threatened to KILL YOU. Sure, he definitely sounds as if he’s a narcissist which would AUTOMATICALLY MAKE HIM AN ASSHOLE. But does the fact that I think he’s probably a narcissist going to change how you deal with him? Either way, it needs to be over. He’s disrespectful, a cheater, a liar, a user, a slob, a physical abuser (sorry, putting a gun in your face makes him a PHYSICAL abuser as well). Nothing about him is worth a shit – nothing!

      Look, I realize that being a single mom is tough but you’re ONLY 24. You are so young. Don’t pay any attention to what he says. MAKE SURE YOU TAKE HIM TO COURT FOR CHILD SUPPORT AND LIVE ALONE WITH THE KIDS FOR AWHILE AS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. Every man I’ve ever known has ended up with a girl who already has children. IT’S THE NORM!!! These days, a guy practically EXPECTS a girl to have kids…they don’t care. Look, by the time you’re 35, 40 years old, your kids are going to be almost all grown up and you’ll STILL be young. Seriously, the alternative would be to hang with this douchebag and put your life and the life of your children in jeopardy. That’s NOT what you want. Don’t feed into his lies if he tries to come back either. GET A RESTRAINING ORDER SO THAT INTERACTION IS MINIMAL. AND GET THE CHILD SUPPORT – WHATEVER YOU CAN SQUEEZE OUT OF HIM. Don’t let him get away with not having a legal court order about those children.

      So, at this point, I’ll say, of course, he’s a narcissist – and maybe even a SOCIOPATH (gun incident!!!) – and he’s also one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever heard about. You and your children deserve to be happy! Stay strong and do the right thing, sister!!

      I’m here to support you! Hang in there….

      Zari xo

      • Ashley

        July 6, 2015 at 4:49 pm Reply

        thank you hun I don’t really know what I would have gotten out of you telling me that it’s just I needed someone else to tell me that is what I thought he was in I have been long gone we have not been together for 2 years now and he just emailed me and asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him and I’m like are you kidding me I have no type of interest in being with you nor do I ever want to try to be with him again I learned it was him and his put down than him belittling me and him being the person that he was and I wasn’t going to desl with that I knew that I deserve better and I I just needed to know or hear it from someone else’s mouth that he’s a piece of s*** Narcissist like i new he was charming v sweet very I attractive I been having a rough time not letting him b go but tg e betrayal an I put all my trust an all of me that I had b he took my confidence trud t my ego he took myv soul a even though ib don’t give a fuck about him as ib write tears of pain b gal from my face he knew I was he knew I got molested and I buy my own cousin he knew that the boyfriend before him that I had used to beat me and lock me in closet and I put all my trust in Him II need he betrayed me in I don’t know if I can come back from there

        • Zari Ballard

          July 9, 2015 at 1:29 am Reply

          Hi Ashley,

          You CAN come back from there, girl…I know you can. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie...it’s an easy download from Amazon and it will give you a jump start for recovery – I guarantee it. You’re right, sometimes you need to hear it/read it coming from someone else to make it stick and the more avenues you have for doing that the better. Continue to read the articles here, one by one, and also the book and I promise..changes will start to happen on their own. You are so much stronger than you even know, sister.

          Ignore him. Accept no dates. Do not play into it. I know it’s hard but it is the only thing to do and you know that. Please read, read, read and let me know how you are. I am here to support you:)

          Stay Strong!

          Zari xo

  • April

    June 26, 2015 at 6:08 pm Reply

    I was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years. We were both married and it was an affair that started when he contacted me on Facebook. At the time he kept sending me POKES, his profile picture was him and his wife. One day he sends a message and asks if he can call me. He calls my phone to tell me his wife asked for a divorce and he is devastated and he has 2 young kids. We end up meeting for a drink on night because i felt bad for him. Next thing he is taking me to dinner. It took almost 4 years before the wife actually divorced him and left. He ended the relationship 3 months ago saying he can’t handle the situation and if i don’t leave my husband then he is moving on. I was devastated and begged him to stay. Yes i did all the wrong things, i texted him and i called him. He would send back messages for me to never call him or text him again or he would have to change his number. One conversation he even told me that he doesn’t love me anymore and that i was forcing him to be mean. He deleted and blocked me on Facebook and this breakup happened via text message. We are both late 40’s and not kids. I asked if he would sit and talk to be and his response was Its not going to change anything so he had nothing to talk about. During the relationship things would be good for a couple weeks and then he would start a fight over nonsense.. I told him he was a Drama King and he must enjoy drama because he started arguments over nothing. If we argued he would say Im getting angry and you better watch what comes out of your mouth next. He would even go as far as calling me his ex wife name, which he knew angered me. His excuse was well you both say the same things so he MUST be wrong. I have not reached out to him in almost a month but on 2 occasions he passed by where i work and just pulled up to me and had a normal conversation about every day stuff, he would stay about 20 minutes and then say well i got to go and he would be gone. Sometimes he passes where i work and pretends he doesn’t see me. I work outside in my car and he knows exactly where i am. He can go down any other block so as not to see me but he deliberately drives by and keeps his face straight like he doesn’t know I’m there. It rips my heart to pieces and sometimes i just cry. I don’t understand why if he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want me to text or call and he says the relationship is over and never going back…. why he would pass and talk to me and then leave and the next week drive by and ignore me. I sometimes feel like i am loosing my mind and i might be the crazy one…. I need help

  • Catherine

    June 10, 2015 at 2:10 am Reply

    Dear Zari,
    I really need your help and advice (been a long time since I asked you that)
    One of my friends is going through heartache. I met her last night to try and cheer her up and heard her full story for the first time.
    I was horrified. I know both her and this man; they drink at my local pub.
    I know that he has left her quite a few times in the year they have been together but I never knew the exact dynamics of these disappearances until last night.
    She left her husband for this man and was paying for them on a regular basis to stay in hotels. He claimed to live with his sister, yet she was NEVER allowed to go to their shared home or stay over, thus my friend would fork out for hotels so they could be together.
    She would pay for his clothes, drinks out, holidays. He never put his hand in his pocket.
    Every few months he would leave, disappear and block her leaving her utterly devastated.
    The last time he did this was a week ago. She begged him to stay, yet he coldly said he did not want her or ever loved her. He walked off leaving her crumpled on the floor and again blocked her.
    She confessed last night that she found out his name was a lie, he gave her a false name, that the woman he lives with is not his sister, but a female friend who he lived with for 15 years… why not tell the truth? And if this is a flat mate, why can she not visit?
    When I questioned about the false name, he said his father was abusive and his real name reminded him of a bad child hood, so he tells people a false name.
    he even persuaded her to pretend he and she had married on holiday to get rid of one of his stalking exes (according to him), I even went to their engagement party and they had fake photos done whilst away…. bizarre.
    The last straw was when a cab driver she knows well told her this man had taken home his ex to drop her off at home.
    I know he has been violent towards her on many occasion, she has been in hospital with broken bones and bruises, he has been violent during sex too.
    Now let’s face it… this man IS a NARCISIST. This whole scenario screams NARC.
    My friend is devastated. We both know this is not a normal breakup, she is completely mind fucked and kept saying over and over that she does not understand why he has done this, asking me why he feels no remorse.
    I tried to explain, but I could see she did not get it.
    All the other people who were out last night consoling her did not get it either… they just see it as a breakup and to get over it.
    I told her he would be back in the coming weeks… and he will! And I told her his reasons for doing this and that he WOULD leave her again, that it would be sooooo much more painful the next time…. But all she could say is that she loved him and would take him back.
    She said she has contemplated suicide, also that he and she had previously discussed doing it together.
    He has also threatened suicide when he does not get his own way and she believes him and gives in.
    The sad thing is, and please do not get me wrong as this does sound nasty…. This woman is particularly unintelligent, and I could see everything I was saying was going in one ear and out the other.
    I know exactly what is going to happen and I feel totally helpless, not to mention frustrated with the whole situation.

    • Catherine

      June 10, 2015 at 2:41 am Reply

      Dear Zari,
      Apologies for the split message.
      I am so worried about her, I know exactly how she is feeling and what will happen.
      She does not read literature so there is no point in me giving her your book or other material.
      This guy also lied about his age to all his friends, people that have known him for years did not know if he was 40 or 50…. he kept alternating between the 2.
      My friend is in her 50’s, and she can see no light at the end of the tunnel, she can never see herself finding love again as she thinks she is past it.
      What can I do to help her see the light?
      Is all she kept doing last night was telling us many stories about this abusive relationship, everytime I tried to give advice she would interupt and start with a new story… she was not listening to anything I said.
      Her story brought back so many memories for me, I felt like i was back there… it was exactly the same.
      I just don’t know what to do.
      Lots of love
      Cat

      • Zari Ballard

        June 10, 2015 at 5:28 pm Reply

        Hi Cat,

        Okay, listen…I appreciate what a good friend you are and I wish to hell this woman had the wherewithall to at least listen to what you have to say since you’ve SO been there, done that…but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Sometimes you can’t do anything (as hard as that is to fathom). If you can’t give her a book and she won’t stop her storytelling long enough for you to speak a word of wisdom, what can you possibly do to drive the message?

        Look, there are SO many times that I’ll be with a bunch of people or standing in a crowd of people I know, within earshot of a relationship story being told, and I have to bite my tongue from interrupting the whole damn deal to say what I know. I can tell, just by who the person is telling the story or by the reactions of those listening, that my advice is going to fall on deaf ears. So, I sit and nod my head or whatever and say not a word. Then there are other times where I find it completely appropriate to butt in and tell it like it is because I know it will make a difference. Sometimes, like you, I’ll try to interject and the story rambles on and so I shut up. Cat, we can’t save the world as much as we’d like to. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. And even though I know that I could help, I just can’t go there because it will mean nothing. Sometimes people just aren’t ready to hear the truth and especially if there’s a crowd around. Trying to tell someone who is in the middle of a mess with an N WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT NARCISSISM AND NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR doesn’t always work. And, believe me, I can picture you sitting there listening to the stories, biting at the bit wanting to scream “I KNOW WHAT HE IS! THERE’S A NAME FOR ALL OF THIS AND IT CAN NEVER BE FIXED – EVER!!!” There have been times that I’ve had to make an excuse to leave because I thought I would lose it. But, again, we can’t save the world.

        Based on what you’ve told me about this guy, he’s not only a narcissist but probably a sociopath as well – and I don’t throw that label out very often. I differentiate between the two by saying that a sociopath is – if you can believe it – a step ABOVE the narcissist in the evil department. Narcissist and sociopaths have all the same traits but a sociopath takes it a bit further – in this case, the lying about the name and age, 15 years of LIVING with someone (who, OF COURSE, he was in a relationship with) and, of course, all the rest…disappearances, etc. He’s a CON MAN and he obviously has had her CONNED for a long time. Narcissists tend to blend into the scenery a little easier because they are, for the most part, ordinary losers and this is why intelligent women (like ourselves and so many others who write here) fall for the ruse (because it’s ordinary). It’s likely that you or I, while accepting SOME things, wouldn’t haven been accepting of the fake name and 15-year roommate situation AT ALL, know what I mean? The fact that this woman isn’t the brightest bulb in the light socket makes sense to me. He knew she’d fall for THAT PARTICULAR LEVEL of bullshit the minute he met her. And this is what makes me think he at least borders on the sociopathic con man. Now, this is not to say that you couldn’t help her because you certainly could, knowing EXACTLY what he is and recognizing so much of the telling behaviors…but I feel she isn’t at the point where she wants to hear it. She’s more at the point that she just wants to have an audience for her stories OR she wants someone to tell her what she wants to hear. Cat, I know that you care but you have to decide whether this is worth your energy. We both know, based on our OWN experiences, that there is no magic sentence that changes everything until we’re ready to hear it. Subtract the intelligence factor from the equation (Bless her heart!) and God knows HOW long you’d be wrapped up trying to help.

        All you can do – MAYBE – is try to get her alone. Just you and her and then just come out with it. Don’t let her go on and on with a story. Just start out by saying something like, “Look, you’ve got to know that none of this is normal behavior and I know exactly what it is. I’ve been through it and I recognize it. What do you know about narcissism? Do you want to hear me out because I think it may open your eyes?” I wouldn’t go into the sociopathic part of it because it won’t matter at this point. If she’s open to it, give her the book or I’ll send you the PDF’s. But don’t waste your precious time, sister. We can’t save the world in as much as we’d like to. Be there for your friend but not to the point where you worry yourself sick – especially if she’s not ready.

        I hope that was helpful. I’m here to support you in everything you choose to do so ask away if you need to. I’m always here for you!!!!!

        Love,
        Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      June 10, 2015 at 5:31 pm Reply

      Got it! See my response to message #2:)

      • Ashley

        July 5, 2015 at 8:28 pm Reply

        I wrote you awhile back about bbc.co my ex I wanted to know if my ex was a narcissists is all

    • Michelle

      July 5, 2015 at 12:48 pm Reply

      I won the personal fight against my Narcissistic male by doing the following:
      #1 ACKNOWLEDGE you are on trial FOR LIFE with this predator.
      *Responsibly expose his abuse medically, legally. (Within boundries-not mentioning his name-but within a forum where other people may know who exactly you were seeing)
      *Keep track of documents-and mention his name specifically in these privacy protected items
      *Change your phone number(s)-emails or better yet, move in with extended or family members to reduce him visiting, writing or calling.
      *If you see “N” in public………DO NOT REACT-observe only-even if he is with someone else.
      *Zari’s books are excellent sources especially during relapses. Study and memorize the section about either you discard or he discarded you-the only thing you invite is more trauma and injury if you take him back or acknowledge him on any level. The only comment you have if he appears out of nowhere and tries tactics to re:involve you is 3 powerful words while looking straight into his eyes- ” I don’t care” If he continues pursuit-dial 911 immediately without hesitation because we are talking about life and death at this point-YOURS.
      *If the N is vindictive-opt to have monitor cameras in your car that are motion activated and cover the red “on” light-so recording isn’t discovered.
      *Join a support group and remember to participate RESPONSIBLY-no mention of his name and be cautious about other females contacting you-they could very easily be other females he successfully controls to report back to him and/or arrange an event intended to harm you on all levels.

  • Bob

    June 3, 2015 at 1:52 pm Reply

    If you never had sex with a narc and they discard you. You try to contact them via im they respond with do it again and I will call the cops. Are they then over you?

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 4:12 pm Reply

      Hi Bob,

      Well, of course I can’t read her mind but, yeah, I’d have to say she’s probably done. Look, anyone who threatens to call the cops over an IM will probably do it and, seriously, is it really worth it? Be glad that you never had sex with her because the connection that you feel now would have been only intensified. Stay strong, move on with your life, and be happy!

      Zari

  • m

    June 1, 2015 at 11:19 am Reply

    i’m am wondering if what i’m experiencing is hoovering… after a month of the silent treatment I get a random misfire txt out of nowhere from the narc…totally wasn’t for me. and after not talking or texting for a month i’m not sure how he could have sent it to me by accident. I told him wrong number and to lose my number in the process…2 days later I get another txt responding to a txt I sent over a month ago when he first disappeared and ignored…why would he still have that text and answer it now??? i’m thinking just to sort of weave his way in again. sure enough…the txts are not for me and more frequent. like nothing has happened. he basically left bc we got in a fight and I told him he was a narcissist and obviously he didn’t like that. (he is also in law enforcement and is completely aware of what that is). he says he is now over it. it took him a month to get over it, but over it he is. ugh..i need to continue no contact, but these games he is playing makes me so angry, I just want to lash out!!!!

    • m

      June 1, 2015 at 11:23 am Reply

      I meant to say ..the text are *now* for me.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 19, 2015 at 11:34 pm Reply

      Dear m,

      Law enforcement is FILLED TO THE BRIM with narcissists. Over and over, I get emails from and do phone consults with women who are involved with or trying to get over a relationship w/ a cop. It’s not a good thing because, by the very nature of the job, the narcissistic cop can do what he wants! I mean, who the hell are ya gonna call if things get bad?

      Everything you describe….the answering a text from long ago, sending texts that “weren’t meant for you”….all that is completely typical and yes, they are hoovers. BLOCK HIM FROM BEING ABLE TO TEXT YOU. It’s the only way to really move on. Otherwise, you will periodically be receiving these intrusive texts and you will actually be waiting for them. A narcissist only returns/hoovers to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused. Don’t allow it! You deserve to be happy…

      Stay strong…

      Zari xo

  • Soreya

    May 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm Reply

    If you have had a short Relationship with them (2 months) do they come back too? My problem is I cant trust myself to not tell him something really mean and hurtful is he dares coming back. And then I would probably regret cos I’ll fear revenge. I hope If he attemps contact, I can be smart and simply ignore him. I know ignorance is best, from me, and the worst, for him. Still, I just wish I could tell him I rather make love to a leper than having him come anywhere near me again. But I need to keep my mouth shut, right? ; )

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 11:50 pm Reply

      Hi Soreya,

      Thank you for writing and, yes, they sure can return even if the contact between the two of you was short. But why even wait for it? Block his number from calling and texting and block him from any other avenues of communication (email, social media, etc.) as well. Take preventative measures and you’ll have less to worry about. If he comes to the door, don’t answer it. He WILL get the message. Forget revenge and saying nasty things because he doesn’t care and he won’t get it. What they want is an emotional reaction so YOU can be the nutcase. Do what I say and block his ass. What we allow will continue but you can takes steps to prevent that TODAY.

      Stay Strong!

      Zari xo

  • it isn't important

    May 19, 2015 at 6:23 pm Reply

    just wondering if u would know the legalities….recently a narcissist i know told me over the internet to kill myself, he said it is the only way I will get over him. my question is, IF i did kill myself, would he face criminal charges?? I’m not going to actually do it BUT, am wondering if he could go to jail if I did take his advice. any idea? and to be frank, he’s more of a sociopath than a narcissist..

    • Zari Ballard

      May 20, 2015 at 4:50 pm Reply

      Hi It isn’t important,

      My ex said that to me too on more than one occasion when I was devastated over something he had done. “Why don’t you just kill yourself if you’re that upset!”…and so on. So NO he would NOT face criminal charges and I’m concerned about your question and why you are even asking. YOU are responsible for your own life and I pray to God you wouldn’t consider trying to teach him a lesson in that manner, sister. Please. If you really want to get him back for all he’s done, MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM. A healed heart is the best revenge.

      Block him. Stay away from social media. Cut off all avenues of communication so that he CAN’T say those kinds of things to you. Go No Contact and let him go about his miserable life. He will never ever change – not for you or anybody – because he likes it just the way it is. The narcissist follows an agenda whereby the suffering of others is his reward for a job well done. If you haven’t read it, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s a cheap and easy read and it will get you through this rough spell and onto better things, I guarantee it.

      PLEASE stay strong….

      Zari xo

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