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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Hien

    September 11, 2015 at 1:46 pm Reply

    Hi
    I am glad that I found your website. Reading all the stories from other women does make me feel a bit better.
    I just broke up with my ex a month ago, or should I say he broke up with me. Either way, I been feeling really depressed, it’s not like a normal break up.
    Long short story. I met my ex over a year ago from a dating site. We went on dates and really had fun together , 4 months later he said he wanted to be with me and wanted to have a relationship with me. I was extremely happy cuz I really liked him at that time. Then out of no where fights started. First fight was I nagged him a little bit about he was running late for work ( I am kinda a freak about being on time lol). And he started lashing out on how I judged him and his goal in life. I was like huh I didnt mean it like that. And from that, he went on to some swimsuit pics I tooked from vacation and posted on facebook. He said I was seeking for attentions from other guys , it was inappropriate when I have a bf. Anyway we made up after that fight.. But things didn’t go well from there. One day out of no where he asked about my past, I didn’t want to answer him that and he just assumed my number was too high. I almost broke up with him that day, then he came back apologize sincerely for that so I took him back. I never thought my past would be a problem for the relationship as I loved him very much and wanted to be with him. But he seemed cannot let it go, he kept trying to dig up my past, asked why I did this why I did that. He went on my facebook pics, stalked and gave me shit about guys compliments on my pics, asking why I felt the need to let guys compliment me. I told him I couldnt control what people want to say on my fb, its not like I care for them.

    I always felt something wrong in our relationship. At first I thought it was the communication problem as I am Vietnamese and he is American. I asked him to be patient with me a bit because I cannot feel the language like he does.I didn’t really know why but i felt it extremely difficult for me to voice my opinion to him without him getting mad or trying to get me agree with his opinion. I always had this feeling that he was not really himself when he was with me, like he was always in posturing or something. Something about his attitude, his gesture. Sometimes he acted like he was God’s gift and knew everything, but sometimes when he got jealous and questioned me, I questioned in my head “why he has to get that jealous while he seemed so confident?”…Every time we had fights he blamed it on me for his unstable emotions.
    Things kept being like that, up and down like a roller coaster, he just picked up the fight without thinking it would affect the relationship.
    What pushed me over the edge was he found my myspace online with my pic wearing bikini, which I didnt log in for like 4 years. And then the same stupid fight started all over again. He said really mean things like I like to flash my body to other guys , good luck with finding guys that is ok with that bla bla…I got hurt really bad and decided to let go. How would it feel if the bf said things like that? I felt like I couldn’t make him happy no matter how hard i tried. When I told him I wanted to give up, he got upset , then apologized and promised to change. I gave in a little bit, and I told him this stupid had to stop because this was turning into an abusive relationship. The next day he got cold feet, he said he dont know what to do. He asked me why I want to be with him still even though I said he was abusive. I got mad at him, saying I dont want to be with someone who doesnt know what to do in a relationship. I went home, a week later he texted me asking to meet up. He admitted that it was his insecurity that caused all the jealousy. I told him I was with him for the whole year, I knew that he was. He said he wanted to work on things, But one minute I got panic thinking he might change his mind again, so i told him i love him still but not in love with him. All the talk he did caused a big damage in my head, I felt I was just like an attention whore, I even felt losing sexual desire. But I agreed to give in. We talked a bit more ,we even planned for another date to work things out. We hugged and kissed good bye. He took me back to my place. The next morning I got an email from him saying he cant work on things since I lost love and passion for him. I was like wtf, I agreed with him to work on things and he just disappeared like that, via an email.
    I haven’t talked to him for a month, he deleted me of facebook, then blocked me, unblocked me a week later and blocked again. I never tried to talk to him or anything.
    It’s been a month and i still feel depressed, I remember once he told me he had to go see therapist for his anxiety and I found out about narcissist problem. So I read a lot of books about abusive relationship and my ex does have some traits that fit. Maybe our relationship didnt get to that severe point yet. Do you think my ex was a narcissist? Im not sure if I over reacted about his jealousy.Sorry for my English

    • Zari Ballard

      September 26, 2015 at 5:06 pm Reply

      Hi Hien,

      Thank you for writing and I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your post. Look, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t believe that this guy is a narcissist because his behaviors don’t fit the profile. HOWEVER, I absolutely believe that he has AUTHENTIC CONTROL AND JEALOUSY ISSUES and that, in many ways, IS WORSE because the potential for these types of guys to become physically abusive IS VERY HIGH. I hope you are listening to me because the fact I don’t believe he’s a narcissist does not make him a good guy or even a FIXABLE guy. You do NOT deserve to be treated that way by anybody.

      Narcissists only pretend to be jealous to distract the other partner from what they are really up to and THIS is the difference between a narcissist and the guy you’ve been dealing with. Your ex has severe emotional issues that can not be solved by you taking down pictures or refusing to interact with anyone of the opposite sex. You are right when you say that nothing you do or say is good enough for him or can convince him that you care. Guys with true control and jealousy issues to that extent at some point will be unable to control their rage and you will be the recipient, sister.

      You didn’t overreact to his behaviors at all – you are spot-on. Stay away from him. Be grateful he vanished and BLOCK HIM from being able to call you or interact on FB and don’t answer the door if he ever comes by. You deserve to be happy and free and to live your life.

      Take care, Hiem, and please heed my words. I’m here to support you…

      Zari xo

  • Tony

    September 3, 2015 at 11:23 am Reply

    Hi, it’s been nearly 7 month since we been apart. Was seeing a guy (who I) perceived him from the start as being “sneaky” because most short people are apparently… Both of us were really deep and did not communicate enough. I felt like there was something off and I was not getting the full him, he saw the dating app on my phone which I had used to check for him……. that’s when it all became downhill. Cut a long story short…. I somehow managed to train it into my head that this guy was out to get me, everything was matching up to the narcissist behavior, manipulative, snappy, looked down on me. But why was he telling me he loved me when he was drunk and showered me in cuddles? I am aware that if you go looking for things then you can actually make it become true even if it was not there to start with. I caught him a few times doing things he was not supposed to do ..eg.. sending pics, visiting instant hook-up apps. I gave him the option to make up his mind after this one occasion ( i caught him red handed ) to which he freely admitted. After another few incidences that he lied his way out of, although he knew I knew. I was sick and tired of all the mind games and worry, I wound up at his door screaming and shouting, I wigged out completely, accusing him of being on a hook-up site, threatened to smash his laptop if he did not let me into his history…. All the lame excuses he made to leave early after sleeping over, all the unnecessary times he changed his bed sheets, all the insecurity I felt by him was too over whelming to contain within myself.
    Basically I felt guilty and he took me back, week later he wanted just to be mates… but tried to put me on the back-burner. I told him I was going to seek some medical attention regarding my mental health to see if he would admit to it, that was his last strike! Some of these things I had a primary account, how dare he let me think i’m going mad? Who does he think he is?
    I knew myself I was not mentally unstable, but rather the opposite.
    So what I done next…..
    I imposed as him and spoke with a previous partner of his, what I found out throughout the conversation pissed me off again!
    Anytime he used this hook-up site he would never put his face as display because people think it’s desperate & we have a reputation to uphold, but today it went up for everyone to see of course written a few home truths, totally exploited him, sent his dirty pics to people which he loved doing so much. Sent random guys to his moms house, broadcasted his number, arranged “group gatherings” too. I linked his facebook & a few other social apps. He might have called the police on me but, yeah, the feeling of sheer panic I sensed from him over 6 mile away was amazing. His parents think he is so angelic, they forgot to teach him about being considerate of other peoples feelings. That was my goal.
    I’m not a bad person, just don’t like small guys who think they can walk all over people.

    He carried all the traits of narcissist
    Will he be back for me?

    • Zari Ballard

      September 19, 2015 at 11:21 pm Reply

      Hi Tony,

      Uh..I dare say he might be back for you but I don’t think it will be for a kiss! LOL First, let me say that I have never heard about or had the experience of short people being naturally sneaky so I’m fairly certain that has nothing to do with his behavior. Believe me, narcissists come in all sizes and shapes and colors.

      Now, although as a rule I try not to condone revengeful behavior, I have to admit that I had a pretty good laugh reading “He might have called the police on me but, yeah, the feeling of sheer panic I sensed from him over 6 mile away was amazing.” What you arranged on that hook-up site, sending random guys to his moms house and arranging group gatherings is frigging hilarious, my friend (and genius as well!). Again, I’M NOT CONDONING YOU’RE BEHAVIOR but, oh yeah, what sweet justice it is!! Now, having said that, lock the doors and windows and be safe! Like I said, he may be coming for ya but it ain’t gonna be for a kiss!

      One last thing, if you automatically assume that narcissists only come in short bodies, you’re setting yourself up to be fooled by a tall one . Either that or you’ll miss out on the short nice guy. So, scrap that “short” theory…and just be on the lookout!

      Thanks for the chuckle and for sharing your story!

      Zari xo

  • Elaine

    July 30, 2015 at 9:46 am Reply

    My last three years have been a complete nightmare. I met my narcissist three years ago, and everything was great at the beginning. I am older then he is, so I would excuse all his wrong doings to his maturity level. After 8 months he proposed for the first time. He dumped me 3 months later. He showed up at my sons basketball game 4 months later. I took him back until he dumped me again 9 months later. When I was finally starting my life again- he starts emailing me and telling me how he missed me. I took him back shortly after. He would start of very caring and slowly work his anger outbursts into the relationship. He grabbed me by my neck when we were vacationing in key west- all in front of my 9 year old son. A week later he tells me he had joined AA because he can’t control his drinking and gets a huge tattoo of my name on his leg. I was so naive to think that the lack of alcohol was going to change his ways – but it didn’t. Several months later he proposed again. I said yes, but that only lasted 3 months. He broke off the engagement. He was going to his AA meetings to meet women. At the end, he told me he had cheated on me with 5 different women. My son later told me how he would see him chugging cough syrup in his car . He once had 4 red cough syrups at once.
    It has been 3 months since we broke up, and it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for my son and I. I feel so guilty that my son had to go thru that with me.
    I changed my number and has blocked all his email addresses. I have done the same to my sons phone. Yesterday I received a No Caller ID call and I felt nauseous to think it was probably him. I just hope to God he stays away.

  • Verity

    July 25, 2015 at 2:38 am Reply

    Hi,
    My partner left me 6 weeks ago. I’d been in a relationship for four years with him and he lived with me for two years.
    Time and time again he would leave me, I’ll admit that I always wanted him back. He became more and more angry in the relationship. I felt I couldn’t discuss anything with him, like if I wasn’t happy about something within seconds, minutes he would get angry and try to leave the room! If I tried to stop him or reason with him he would say I was blocking his path or push me away physically. Then he’d leave and sleep in his van all night. He’d block me on his phone and not contact me until he following day. Since July 2014 he left me 5 times. Each time he left me devastated. I know I took him back, somehow he would be back in my life. For the last 3 years of the relationship ive been an absolute wreck, I have my own furniture business which I have recently tried to expand but I’m finding it difficult to motivate myself. He always cut me off? Blanked me if he wasn’t happy with me, this would make me so upset, the more upset I got the more he pushed me away, he could easily walk away and see me in a heap on the floor. WHY, why did I allow this. On one side he was the most gorgeous person to look at and be with and had many, many qualities but then he did this. I still blame myself, i should have just let him go and not come back. The last time he left is when I was at work, he took a few clothes and his mountain bikes. I did in the end reluctantly pack all his things and left them at my workplace so he could collect (he had a key)
    He hasn’t called once since but sent the odd text only regarding keys etc. He told me he’d send an email explaining why he left. I haven’t received it yet.
    X

  • vadiva247

    July 21, 2015 at 10:37 am Reply

    This was a good read. I knew nothing about Narcissist until about 2 days before I was D&D by mines. We dated 5 years ago but it wasnt serious. He is long term militery so he left the country and came back last summer so this past March we decided to date and see how things would go. A week into it I knew something was off with him. I couldnt put my finger on it. He was VERY insecure always wanted to know about my ex partners their size of their penis was I the best he ever had. He would ask me about a random guy that would be on TV and if I said the guy was hot he would get mad. So honestly I thought it was just PTSD or depression. He was very High and Low. He is almost 40 and the longest relationship he had was 2 years that was a BIG RED flag for me.But I continued to date this FINE man that literally works out twice a 7 days a week. As the relationship continued he became meanier and meanier by the day nothing I did was ever good enough the things he once liked about was now an issue for him. So I guess the reason I was discarded was because he had asked me previosly to get a tongue ring I explained to him I couldnt because of my job and most recently and I thought he was joking he wanted me to perform oral on another man video tape and and send it to him. I Laughed it off at first until he became very angrry and a look came over his face. He was VERY SERIOUS and he told me if I didnt do it I would be cut off. I brushed it off the very next week he bought it back up and I declined which cause him to go off and talk down to me call me stupid. I agreed to it just to calm the beast in him. The next day I sent him a lonnnnnng text about how I knew he had mental issue’s and he was aDr Jekelly and Mr Hyde. But I told him I wanted to help him through whatever he was dealing with. He text back and told me he would reply to my text when he got off from work. I never heard from him until the next day I asked him what happneed to him responding back thats when the discard happened. He sent a text saying he thinks I should move on im a good catch but we’re wired different. I wasn surprised because I realize now I was getting to close to figuring him out and he wasnt having it. It hasnt been a week yet but he pretty much ignored all my text except about him returning my belongs which he’s suppose to do this week. He hasnt unfriended me on Fb and he still has pics of us together on his FB. Im trying to figure out if he planning to try to come back and is him keeping me as his friend on FB is a way to keep tabs on my life. I TRULY THANK GOD I FOUND ALL THIS OUT BEFORE i invested anymore time. I still pray for him because these people are very sick!!!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 24, 2015 at 3:06 am Reply

      Hi Vadiva247,

      Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. Whether your guy is a narcissist or not doesn’t even seem to be the point, sister – he is just plain weird. Run as fast as you can in the other direction. There isn’t any amount of praying in the world that will help him. You are right to cut your losses now before he wastes one more second of your time. He knows that you know what he’s all about – probably even more than he does. Yikes….he is a very strange dude.

      Stay strong and stay away! You deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

  • MissB

    July 9, 2015 at 2:23 am Reply

    Zari help. I tried to do the no contact but I work with him and he owes me money and some personal effects. So I emailed him and we got into a sparring match. I was so enpowered by anger to say whats on my mind. Then he came to my office, He didnt get my last email. And we had it out again. Blaming me for the reason he cheated, I wasn’t giving him what he needed. I told him again what i feel. So he left and replied to my email. Said some nice and some hurtful things. and then came around to my office again. But I was on the phone with a friend. Zari the thing is that there is a certain amount of attraction still. and I feel like i want to milk this till there is nothing is left. In a way I cannot stop myself.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 9, 2015 at 1:34 pm Reply

      Hi MissB,

      Thank you for writing and I certainly understand what you’re feeling. It’s very confusing to be attracted to someone who treats us so badly but narcissists have a way of doing that. Because you work with him, things are going to remain difficult until you figure out what you’re going to do mentally to get a handle on it. I really suggest that you read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will put the relationship in perspective and empower you to make some changes. I guarantee it. After that, read my second book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing – which is a workbook for getting over all of it – and do the written exercises. Both are cheap downloads from Amazon and they may very well change your life.

      You see, the problem here is that you’re seeking either “revenge” or “closure” and both are impossible. For the narcissist, the cat and mouse game never ever gets old so, unfortunately, we never feel like we’re getting the last word. Sending him angry emails does nothing because what he wants is for you to show emotion…to get riled up. You’ll probably never get your money back because he likely feels that he really doesn’t owe it to you (for whatever twisted reason). As for personal effects, he should bring them in or you should send someone to go get them or you should forget you even have them. My books will explain the game and how you MUST deal with it if you ever want to get past the weird codependency you are feeling. I understand the attraction because, for me, that is what kept me in the game – for 13-years! Don’t make my mistakes, sister. It’s not worth it.

      You CAN stop yourself. Read through the articles on this website and get the books. Knowing exactly what you’re dealing with – how he really thinks – will help you make the right decisions. None of it is easy but all things are possible.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • MissB

        July 9, 2015 at 11:32 pm Reply

        Hi Zari & Christine

        Yesterday after He came to my office again as i missed him the first time. Asked me if the email was cold and then make arrangements for the personal effects. So the evening I sent him a message trying to take things back into my court cos He calls the shots. Eventually he messages back “I love you 2 bby, lets just get married already. We both have our faults” I laughed so loud, I recognized it for what it is, a mind game, hoovering. Told him i’m not playing his game, and yet I am. OMG! You right Zari I do want closure & revenge and I as I told my best friend there is no way to beat him at his own game. I am not wired his way and he is a master at his game.

        I’m struggling with the attraction part, part disgusted with it and part intrigued. Perhaps what makes it even harder is that He was my first as a BF & Lover. He was a really good lover, very attentive. I started therapy yesterday and my psychologist is worried about the attraction as I’m emotionally, psychologically & physically (unprotected sex) at risk. My nearest and dearest are ready to book me into rehab, lol.

        I keep most correspondence to email or texts. Yesterday was the first time he came to my office, I’ve been into his part of the office as its unavoidable and to ask him about the arrangement (Yes I know, bad move on my part). So I will tell him that is he not welcome if he comes in here again. We don’t work in the same office or division. I have my own office in a different part of the building but he passes when he comes to this side. I don’t have to work with him directly either. None the less he hinted that he might have a new job. Thank the Lord if he does! Will make getting over him so much easier.

        Just to clarify some, my N has never insulted me or abused me. On the contrary, he lifted my self esteem and confidence. I know it sounds funny, but I still feel the confidence and ready to take on the world. I don’t feel scared anymore of men and the idea of dating.I’m taking this as a good thing from my relationship with him, even though it is stemmed from him or maybe it doesn’t and was part of me all the time. I actually feel it deep down. I also know now that He didn’t need to negatively emotionally abuse but give me enough “boost” to keep me getting the feel good from him. Held me on leash coming back for feel good scraps. Make sense?? Well my self esteem is something I’ll be tackling in therapy.

        With regards to the personal effects and money. I will see how it goes as I am supposed to get it the money by the end of the month. Otherwise I will write it off.

        Perhaps a little too much information but perhaps one way to manage the sexual need is a little self love 😉 Gosh he knows how to turn me on. But I didn’t have a problem with it before him and don’t have a problem with it now.

        The hardest thing I find is application of the knowledge and advice. Doesn’t stop the hurting, anger and disappointment. I don’t want to go back, that is one decision that is concrete!! I keep busy and I talk to my friends. I’m hoping that once everything is sorted that I will have no reason to be in contact. Get me?

        So I’ll see what happens in a few weeks. Meanwhile I think I’m going to have my friend monitor my phone & all means of contact. Apparently I cannot manage it on my own yet. It has only been 2 weeks.

        You know Zari, whats one of the hardest things? I’m a mental health care professional. I counsel everyday on relationships, boundaries, self care & helping getting through the hard times. So part of the attraction is his pathology & my part as his supply. I am intrigued as to what makes up the N and it fascinates me. A case study at my finger tips and my demise! Don’t worry I highlighted this with my therapist as well. I’m well aware of it and fighting hard to keep my research to the internet and books!

        Thank you so much for advice and being there so soon!!!!!! I am surrounding by so much support!!!

    • Christine

      July 9, 2015 at 1:40 pm Reply

      Well since you work with him it’ll be tricky to do no contact–I have heard of modified versions of “low contact”, when people still have to have contact with their narcissists (usually because of children or working together like you). I would keep any discussions with him ONLY about work and ONLY engage in those when absolutely necessary. I’m just wondering, is he within the exact same division as you? How close is his office to yours? Are there ways to avoid him? Is there any way you can, say, make arrangements to work from home via computer and email? (that’s becoming increasingly common nowadays, to work virtually from home) And this might not be what you want to hear but I’m wondering if you might just have to let it go about the money and personal effects–your mental health is worth more! Believe me he won’t just easily give those back to you and the struggle over that will probably be more trouble than it’s actually worth.

      I do understand that unhealthy addiction to him, because I went through that phase too. I got over it by reminding myself of all the hell he put me through, and asking if it’s truly worth it. I decided it wasn’t. Please base any decisions based on the FACTS of how he actually behaves, not on any wishful thinking or fantasies of what you wish would happen (and know never will). That’s my two cents. You can do this!

      • Zari Ballard

        July 9, 2015 at 2:59 pm Reply

        Christine wrote...Please base any decisions based on the FACTS of how he actually behaves, not on any wishful thinking or fantasies of what you wish would happen (and know never will).

        Hi Christine,

        As usual, great advice for all! Thank you:) Keep your two cents comin’!

        Zari xo

        • Christine

          July 9, 2015 at 3:42 pm Reply

          Thanks Zari! Often, people break no contact because of their fantasies of what they wish will happen–the narcissist has a grand epiphany about how they wronged you, you kiss and make up, you ride off into the sunset. The reality is quite different–they see your attempt to reach out and then give you the silent treatment. Or, they react with anger/contempt (or, might temporarily lure you back in, just to give you a crueler discard down the road). No contact was much easier for me when I kept focusing on the reality and let go of the fantasy.

  • Gene Deener

    July 6, 2015 at 7:00 pm Reply

    I think I may be safe. Its been 10 months now and got through my sons volleyball season (she was his coach) and not a peep, except for a screw up on my part. Some eye contact though, but nothing. Still walking on egg shells and have become a prisoner in my community because im afraid to run into them.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 9, 2015 at 1:22 am Reply

      Hi Gene,

      How bizarre…I consult with a woman who was involved with a narcissist who was the volleyball coach of her son’s team. She, too, feels like a prisoner in her community. To make matters worse, he’s a cop. It gets even worse than that but I won’t go there. Look, you made it through volleyball season and it’s been ten months. I would walk around, head held high and act as if you don’t even know her. In difference and detachment is the best way to handle any interaction. I know what it feels like too to be a prisoner of the community as my ex narcissist (the one from my books) still lives here and my town is quite small. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I still think about it every time I go out. I’m ready for it (as in, I will keep walking) but it doesn’t occupy my every driving minute. If you’ve avoided her this whole time nd it’s been ten months, you can do it. Volleyball was the test and you passed. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this person.

      Stay strong…

      Zari xo

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