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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Lisa

    November 11, 2015 at 10:25 pm Reply

    Zari you need a tv show or a radio show. Yes! They do hoover. You cannot get rid of them. EVEN WHEN THEY DUMP YOU!!! Oh, my goodness. Not that this post needs my help but MY N is trying to prime me to come back if/when his current (supposed) relationship crashes. Plus he’s about to be unemployed again and knows that I can help him with finding work or loaning him money. So he’s trying to keep the well primed. Mainly he’s trying to get that ego stroked some more. He wants me to pine for him and I just can’t. Him dumping me is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I did not feel that way at the time, even after all the abuse he heaped on me. However, deep down I knew it was true even then: I am so blessed to have had this loser leave my life. He is sick. He’s like a parasite. He feeds off of the pain of women. He contacted me to tell me that he’s in a relationship. lol. Ummmm, okay. I started to write back…my condolences to your new prey. I cannot get rid of him. The more I ignore him the more he hoovers. If you’ve got someone new then go hoover over her! You are her problem now.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 14, 2015 at 8:29 pm Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      So true, girl! My ex – yes, everyone, the N of my book When Love Is a Lie – is hoovering. After three years and three books about the demise of our relationship and HIS bad behavior. Can you believe it? I’m ignoring it and I feel nothing. Seriously, nothing. Thank GOD! We will always serve a purpose to the narcissist and he will always, as you say, prime the well to see if we’re still in the queue. I think not!

      I’m working on a radio show and I can’t wait to get it up and going. Still a one-woman team here so everything takes such a long time and it’s easy to get side-tracked. Must keep plugging away…

      Thank you so much for sharing your insight, girl! Share anytime!

      Zari xo

  • Kay

    November 11, 2015 at 2:33 am Reply

    Hey Zari!
    I am so glad I ran into your site. I learned a whole lot about narcissism through you and a few others but you’re my number 1 go-to.
    I made complete NC for 1 month and 11 days lol! I love it! It was off and on for 3 months because he would try to say things that would keep me on a string and my intuition kept telling me to let him go. Eventually you get tired and your intuition wins. I’m totally happy. If he came back tomorrow I would answer the door. He used to try to reach me through friends on FB because I blocked him, he would also try to get my number from mutual friends. I ended up unfriending them too but I care more about my feelings and sanity. I feel beautiful again and I didn’t have to have another man tell me so. Narcs take a lot from you. But you have to be strong for you. So poof pow to that Narc!

  • Christine

    October 28, 2015 at 9:54 am Reply

    I just want to urge everyone here not to waste even one more minute with these losers. Seriously. I have found a great relationship now with a wonderful person who truly loves, respects and admires me–and who has freely given me everything I ever wanted, right from the start (and know there are others who have done the same here, from reading other posts). That is possible for every single person here. However, it isn’t possible with the narcissist. Please free yourselves from the narcissist to make room for a better life and a better love.

  • Christine

    October 27, 2015 at 4:50 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, long time no talk! I’ve been frankly too busy living my fabulous life to concern myself too much with my narcissist (it’s been, oh, well over a year since I even talked to him or thought about him much–much too busy enjoying life with a fabulous man who has given me everything he never would).

    But lo and behold, I get a random text from his number, just saying “Hey”. I had blocked him, but my cell service doesn’t have any way to do a permanent block on a number (the block is only for a few month at a time and then you need to reinstate it. I admit it slipped my mind that the block was about to expire). So I just shrugged, deleted that text, and will reinstate the block. For a split second I was tempted to tell him to f— off, but I remembered your wise words not to bother and not give ANY kind of response, positive or negative, that can give the narcissist “supply”. Furthermore, it just isn’t worth it, and I’d rather spend my energy on the great man I have now. But it did give me a good laugh–his supply sources must be VERY low to try anything with someone who hasn’t even talked to him in more than a year (and I’m not entirely surprised. His ego is so inflated that he can’t accept the idea of me just moving on my merry way as if he never existed). So keep up the great work Zari in getting the word out about what to do in response to these dumb hoovers!

    • Zari Ballard

      October 27, 2015 at 7:55 pm Reply

      Hi Christine,

      Right on, girl! Thanks for the update….narcissist are nothing if not predictable, right? Good for you for sticking to the no-respond, non-reply. Let him sit and wonder and you just carry on with your wonderful (no…as you say, FABULOUS!) man. Lucky girl – and you deserve it! The fact that you snagged a good one is an inspiration to us all:)

      Zari xo

  • Mimz

    October 12, 2015 at 12:30 pm Reply

    Its a great site am glad i found it. Am learning a lot more. I have been involved with one for 4 years. His behavior is exactly the way you describe it. I always knew something was not right but could put my finger on it.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 12, 2015 at 11:01 pm Reply

      Hi Mimz,

      Glad I could open your eyes:) There are over sixty articles on this site so be sure to read them all. The more we know about what we’re dealing with, the better equipped we are to make a clean getaway…

      Stay strong & I’m here if you need me…

      Zari xo

  • R

    September 30, 2015 at 12:40 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I found out about how narcissists suddenly discard and break-up the day before she discarded me. Feel so blessed!!! I therefore had all the knowledge and like a champ agreed to the discard/break up and have strictly maintained NO CONTACT from day #1. Yay!!!!

    She has tried hoovering 3 times by texting me for ridiculous things like for example “Hey I want to go there and pick up my rollerblades” Obviously I did not respond. Fyi she has not rollerbladed in 3 years and the rollerblades are in my house in the same box and bag from Sports Authority she got in 2013.

    Anyway about a month before the ‘grand finale discard’ my ex saw me reading about narcissism because my psychologist suspected my mom had narcissistic traits. She said: “Oh for sure she is because the most common narcissistic traits are: No empathy, cheating, lying, grandiosity, big ego.etc etc.” She knew it better than Wikipedia. LOL. A month later she broke up with me out of the blue.

    Does the face that:
    1 I meet once a week with my psychologist and she saw me reading about narcissism
    2. the fact that I agreed 100% to the discard and did not offer any resistance
    3 and the fact that my no contact has been so strict

    Does all this prevent her or scare her from hoovering in a stronger way? Has all this scared her? and she is afraid I will unmask her among our family and friends?

    R

  • Andrea

    September 27, 2015 at 4:44 pm Reply

    i have an ex N . I spent 2 years in a strange on / off ‘relationship’.
    The final situation frightened me, I was frozen and it felt very surreal, it was at a party in full view of all of his friends. I struggle to explain exactly what he did, I just know it was like rape. I was sick & shocked to be the focus of his behaviour. I quietly escaped the following morning.
    He was with a new girlfriend a week or 2 later. I was broken, no apology he didn’t answer his phone, nothing at all.
    I did block him, I knew he was with a new lady, he was texting me but not answering his phone. He sent me texts late on Friday or Saturday evening, since reading on the subject I now know that he was stopping my personal life from moving forward. I was out with a man on one occasion.

    I changed my phone & moved on well, whilst reading about this type of sub-human. He is all of the description which is frightening. He was controlling, wanted to choose my clothes & hair style, change my political leaning, and brand me as a do-good because I have strong ethics & read books.

    10 months have passed, he hasn’t told me about my replacement. He contacted me via a new mail id it was a one line provocation. I grey rocked it back with superb politeness, this has continued fir about 3 months now. Still the subject of girlfriend hasn’t arrived, I’m strong now so invulnerable.
    The communication is nothing of any interest, pointless, I’ve never challenged his text book abuse of me, he would rage & currently he’s thinking about which way to jump.

    Luckily I’ve learned the rules of the game, I can predict his crazy unpredictable moves, I know that not asking is the best for me and no indication for him.

    These men are so charming, so perfect with delightful vulnerability when you first meet them, but you don’t recognise them in the end. I
    I watched him perform the last time I experienced a rage, and I was thinking ‘who the f*** are you’..’why am I even here’ …it petrified me. The 2 previous discards were by phone, the first was patronising, the second was snappy, the final version was cruel.
    The first I got an apology, the second I got a confession, the third I got more written abuse.

    All of this is impossible to understand to anybody who hasn’t dated a narcissist / psychopath. It will kill you inside, you feel empty, contaminated, hurt, depressed & sick.

    The up side is you will be alright once you disengage. Very important to stop contact, otherwise you will be hoovered. That Hoover looks like a lifeline, but isn’t the gaps between rages were shorter & the rages pschotic. I should mention he admitted to bipolar after rage 1 a pity ploy as I now see it.
    Vulnerable dark triad in my p/n

    • Zari Ballard

      October 3, 2015 at 12:54 am Reply

      Hi Andrea,

      I am very sorry that you had to go through that but I have to say that as long as you allow him to communicate with you at all, he is back in control. You can think that you’re on top of it and that you are “invulnerable” but the truth is that every time you send even a coldly polite response, he reads it with a smirk on his face. Every single time. As long as he gets a response and YOU don’t ask about it, why should he mention his girlfriend? And why are you willing to play by “the rules of the game” when the rules of the game are all about him being in control? It sounds to me that the final discard in front of his friends that you can only describe as feeling like a rape is enough of a reason for anyone to leave this bastard to his newest target. Believe me, he is – right now – planning to do it again the first chance he gets. I know that you know this. Seriously, he doesn’t deserve you giving him the time of day!

      You should go No Contact TODAY and you DO NOT have to explain. Block that email. Block him from being able to call or text you or from contacting you on social media. If he pops up with another email ID and you see it, delete it before you even read it and block THAT one. It may take a while but he will go away – I have no doubt he’s a very busy guy. YOU have to be proactive because all he wants to do is keep you in the queue and string you along until he gets bored (or gets caught by the girlfriend). He has no intention of doing anything that will benefit you in any way. Just think of his smirk and that alone should make you want to disappear without a word.

      As for admitting to bi-polar, they ALL do that at least once during the course of the relationship or after (when they need to) so that means nothing. The truth is that he thinks YOU’RE bi-polar, sister. He’s a con-man and he sounds rather dangerous if you ask me. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of dodge without saying a word!

      Stay strong, girl. If you need to talk one-on-one, I also provide phone consultations and you may want to consider this. You’d be amazed how empowering it can be to actually talk with someone who’s been there, done that….sometimes miracles happen! Give it some thought and, whatever you decide, I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

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