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A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

why-narcissists-return

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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.

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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.

For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportWhichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.

For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run.  Of course he never admitted to this,  but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.

Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?

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If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.

No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.

It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering  and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness.  I, for one, know you can do it!

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

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350 Comments

  • Leif

    December 26, 2015 at 10:42 pm Reply

    I am a guy and was romantically involved with a woman Of this type for around a year. She charmed. She took. controlled and manipulated my behavior by criticism.and pleasing her wishes. Out of state helped but not until out of country on vacation did I reflect and seriously stand up for myself in communications and finnaly gave notification to ending the relationship. Since that time last summer, I have not responded or communicated to her once. There have been textes and voice mail. But today , I get a text from that she is in a nearby city (most likely family visit for the holidays. ). Even though it is a respectable notice and not a total surprise me In person, I am now unglued as I do not want her showing up here trying to charm her way back in. Once I start engaging conversation and listening to her speak, I lose. I am thankful I have a half dozen friends that I have talked about the unhealthy situation. So I do have the support.

  • Zari Ballard

    December 25, 2015 at 4:55 pm Reply

    Hi Sarah,

    Thank you for sharing…it doesn’t get much worse or more heart-breaking that that. You know, it’s hard enough to break free when it’s you lover or spouse; I can only imagine how hard it must be when it’s your own flesh and blood…and especially your mom. There is no bigger betrayal. That mother is a fucking criminal in my book. So very, very sad.

    Zari xo

    • stacey

      January 1, 2016 at 12:32 pm Reply

      OK.

      this is a little different but its been a question no one can answer . I am quite switched on and have been around narcissists a lot in my time.
      Do you think that they can be so good that they never ever slip up?
      Ok narcissists I know its easy to know they are, same signs.
      This one was almost obsessed with me. He listened to my every word and he seemed so genuine in his heart. But i sensed something wasnt right, what he was like didnt add up. It seemed like it was all to fake, he showed no other emotions other than all smiles but with no emotion. I would watch him and when he thought I wasnt looking he would have this crazed look in his eyes and his body language would go from all calm to really scary and eratic, when i looked back he was all fine again. It was like he was mirroring my behavior. But something dark was under it all. Almost like he was manipulating me with kindness. If i ever spoke truth to him, he would get so defensive and change again into this person he was hiding. He was fine if i didnt have emotions that affected him or didnt show that I knew something wasnt right. I have read up lots and he doesnt fit in the typical sense but i wonder if he is? If I dont contact him hes all over me, but if i do he seems to enjoy the control. But everything about him comes across as nice but almost too unnatural. What do you think?

      He can show emotions but it seems they are all about him. If I do something and it makes him feel good hes happy if i dont then hes not happy. Its like my emotions control his . Something isnt right and I wondered what you thought.

  • Luluka

    November 27, 2015 at 10:19 am Reply

    Hi Zari – it’s been a week of No Contact for me with my narc. I have been reading your articles all the while, as some form of guidance as to what to do in the midst of the hoovering. The narc is being ruthless on me and it’s difficult for me to talk about this to my close ones because it all seems more like science fiction instead of reality. I have written down my story about narcissistic friends, but because it’s quite long, if you would like to give it a read, you can find it here: http://pasted.co/7bb3f899

    I would just like to say a big thank you for your articles, it’s helped me immensely to maintain the No Contact rule.

    Keep up your amazing work and thank you once again, take care! xo

    • Zari Ballard

      December 7, 2015 at 1:08 am Reply

      Hi Luluka,

      Wow…thank you for sharing your story and it has really blown my mind. Literally, I have always known the dark side of the internet and how relationships are formed on social media but your story has brought it home to me. First of all, as I’ve always said, the girl narcs are absolutely the fucking worst of the worst. Because society allows – and even expects – the majority of the behaviors (because they’re GIRLS), the female narcissist can tap into an area of evil that her male counterpart can not.

      You write so well…I believe that you should follow that talent, girl. Now, I hope I have this right…you are actually very young, correct? Not even eighteen? I’m curious what would lure you to this darker side of social media given that you have friends in the real world? Is this something that all teenagers do? Of course, I know enough teenage girls who walk around glued to their phones but is THIS what everyone is doing? What is the benefit of it all? In my mind, I place these two narcs – “mean girls” to say the least – on the same level as online trolls. As an author, I’ve had to deal with trolls and they blow my mind as well but most of them, I believe, are older. The fact that these two narcs were pretty much children is just crazy. I’m probably showing my age but I’d actually like to know more about this. How is it possible to go to school and have a life AND be on the phone communicating with people that you’ve never met face-to-face 24/7? Is this the norm and you just happened to get two bad apples or are these “mean girls” everywhere on the net running the social show?

      Of course, the other aspect that is blowing my mind is the fact – once again – that narcissists are the same everywhere. Sure, the female is worse but STILL….the gaslighting, controlling, and passive-aggressive manipulation is all there no matter how old the narcissist may be. I’m very concerned that there is an entire generation of these teenage narcs out there unsupervised, unfettered, and ONLINE 24/7 bullying and controlling those teenagers that are more vulnerable. It’s scary, it really is. God help us all!

      It’s clear to me that you are intelligent, well-versed, and – now – highly educated on the type of people you’ve been dealing with. If you are as young as I think, you are far beyond that in maturity. You told your story very prolifically and with perfect continuity and, once again, follow that talent. Be bullied no more, sister! I hope that there are more of “you” out there and less of the monsters who you’ve encountered but I fear the opposite is true. You enlightened me and disturbed me at the same time and I hope and pray that you stay the course and let nothing get in your way of what I am sure will be a very bright future.. I truly believe that you are a force to be reckoned with:)

      Stay strong and please check in to let me know how you are doing!!! I’m here to support you…

      Zari xo

      • Luluka

        December 7, 2015 at 7:38 am Reply

        Hi Zari,

        Thank you so much for all your kind words, you’ve brought a huge smile to my face. Today it has been exactly fifteen days of No Contact for me. I feel much lighter without constant drama in my life, although I still feel a bit lost. I’ve had to go to the extent of blocking the last narc’s family on Facebook (my birthday is in a few days and my gut is telling me that they would spy on me and “report” back to the narc). Sounds insane, right? But it’s happened before, and I would finally like to have a peaceful, narcissist-free birthday.

        You’re right – it’s very true (and very sad) that society allows and expects this kind of behaviour from females. Take just one look at social media and you will see they are plastered with posts about “psycho girlfriends”, with tips such as “if your boyfriend isn’t your slave/doormat, he’s not worth your time.” Some of my girl friends certainly treat their boyfriends this exact way. They think it’s acceptable, for example, to act unreasonably jealous, while if their boyfriends acted the same way, they would be dumped and called insanely controlling. I think it’s disgusting how artificial and one-sided relationships are nowadays – and it’s because of social media and the way it changed (and changes) society.

        What lured me to this darker side of social media was that when I was a child, I ran several blogs online. Reading and writing are my biggest passions which soothe my soul. I felt a greater connection to my readers than to my real-life friends, as my readers were also writers themselves, whereas my real-life friends’ interests are not the same as mine. It just so happened that out of the crowd of my readers, I chose the two girls who would turn out to be “bad apples”. I’m not sure it’s the same for other teenagers. I’m of the opinion that social media is the breeding ground for narcissists, since they are such a quick access to the praise and attention that they need. I believe it’s more convenient for narcissists to make friends online due to how much easier it is to dehumanise a person when you cannot see them in front of you. And it’s also less effort for them than having to go out and actually physically charm someone into being their friend. For this reason, like you, I’m afraid that in the future it will be virtually impossible to meet someone who is not a narcissist. Both of my narcs actually hated going out and preferred staying at home. I am the opposite – I value face-to-face interaction and really dislike being on my phone in someone’s company (I no longer have to do that at all and it feels heavenly, and I also no longer look like a hypocrite). What blows me away is that nowadays, 95% of teenagers simply cannot last one whole conversation without looking at their phone. My narcissistic friends knew how rude I think it is and used it against me horribly.

        In terms of age, I will turn 20 on my upcoming birthday. I met the first girl when I was 13, while she was 15. I met the second girl after my 17th birthday and she was 20 at the time. She has just had her 23rd birthday. I suppose my lack of birthday wishes was still a form of narcissistic supply to her, since it gave her the opportunity to post on social media that she now has “proof” of how heartless (…) I am.

        Thank you again for your kind words and for the work you do – while I’ve been No Contact, I’ve read all your books and they have helped me immensely to understand what just happened to me. You are an absolute star on this topic, take care!

        Luluka xo

        • Zari Ballard

          December 7, 2015 at 7:16 pm Reply

          Hi Luluka,

          What a doll you are…I think your an awesome twenty-year old! I’m going to keep praying that there’s more out there just like you. You are so right, by the way, about narcissists and the online thing. I warn people all the time about dating sites and finding guys and girls online via social media because 95% of cyberspace is narcissistic. Like you say, a narc can be anybody they want to be online…they can create/adjust the perfect persona to mirror a target and then WHAM. The two girls you speak of were in it deep. They had no reason to go out…it was far more fun to get quick fixes in their bedrooms controlling and bullying people from their smartphone or laptop. Creeps me out. Trolls are like that too but they prefer to remain anonymous. The whole fun of being online (to a troll) is to see how they can rile people up and hurt feelings. Cyber bullies have driven some people to suicide. Yikes!

          If your writing/blogging is ever public again, let me know and send me links either here or via my Contact Me page. Anything sent on that page goes directly to my personal email. And if you don’t have anything out there for people to read, you need to get on it! Write a book…write a whole series of books. Your talent and maturity shines through, girl. Let no one – but NO ONE – ever try to control your life again. “Mean girls” are an ugly bunch and – man oh man – can girls be mean. Scares me that there are so many teenage narcs out there but this is why we have blogs and forums where we can educate each other. You give me hope for the future generation…

          Write anytime, sister! I’m always here to support you…

          Zari xo

  • Colleen

    November 21, 2015 at 2:01 pm Reply

    5 years in an abusive narcissist relationship.i am a co dependent.. aloud him to nearly drain me of my emotions..I am also married..so why…God help me to stay no contact this time..

  • lunn

    November 21, 2015 at 6:03 am Reply

    You know the simplest thing to do is change your phone number as well!! Haha and no contact! EVER! zero tolerance!! Ignoring them.

  • Christine

    November 16, 2015 at 11:52 am Reply

    Hi Zari–well, after the narcissist’s lame text got him nowhere, then he tried sending me a request to connect with him on LinkedIn. I shrugged, ignored it and then went about the rest of my day with my boyfriend! I have no incentive to return to the narcissist now that I have a consistently kind boyfriend. However, even if my boyfriend wasn’t in the picture, I still wouldn’t return to the narcissist (which is pretty self-evident in how I never broke no contact even when I was single and before meeting my boyfriend–still proud of myself for that). There is absolutely no circumstance I can think of that would make it worth going through that whole mess again!

    I just wanted to give a warning to everyone here to be especially vigilant about no contact during the holidays. I’ve read elsewhere that hoovers (while they can come at any time) seem to increase right around the holidays. Sometimes narcissists will assume that we’re in a magnanimous mood since it’s the holidays, so we might be more open to getting sucked in by them again. Or sometimes, their supply is at an all time low, and they don’t want to be alone during the holidays, so then they try to suck us in again. Regardless of the reason behind it, just don’t fall for it!

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2015 at 3:08 pm Reply

      Christine wrote…I just wanted to give a warning to everyone here to be especially vigilant about no contact during the holidays So true and thank you for saying it!

      Zari xo

  • Tina

    November 16, 2015 at 9:23 am Reply

    I left my ex because I finally saw he is an N. It took me years after that to leave him. I started treating him as he did me this making me useless to him. In true N form, his only interest in me after I left him was to try to talk me into accepting spousal support without a legal separation agreement. I haven’t set eyes on him since I left and, of course, he has no interest in reconciliation. He introduced his girlfriend to our children and his family this past Thanksgiving. In true N form he went about making sure I knew about his girlfriend. I got on Facebook one morning and there was a notification saying he now had a Facebook page. Our daughter made him block me explaining to me she knew it would be hard for me not to check on him and it was best for me that I didn’t know and couldn’t know..

    In late June when the separation agreement was finally getting firmed up and then signed, I met a very charming and very insistent and very sexy man on an online dating site. My ex is an N but this one approached me with what you call love bombing. A part of me knew what he was saying was a bunch of lies but the other part wanted to believe the love at first sight thing.

    We dated off and on from July to the beginning of November. It was off and on because I kept breaking off with him because his actions never matched up to his words. He said all the right things but he never followed through. I knew I was being fed a bunch of crap but I kept falling for the hoovering and despite knowing I was his once a week on Friday woman and that he was seeing other women. The man never even took me out on a date. He’d show up his usual late and we’d go for a walk and drink a drive through coffee and then we’d go back to my apartment and he’d always leave early the next morning and despite his saying he was going to spend the day with me and take me out for breakfast. How he weaseled me into getting into my apartment is a story in itself. Anyway, true to N form, he moved fast. I was the love of his life and he loved me and he wanted to live with me and he thought we were going to get married. Blah blah blah. At least the sex was great. lol

    When I broke it off with him he’d text and text and text and phone even though I blocked him. He even tried using a private number to phone me, phoning me late at night. I picked up and it was him and hung up. He kept using the private number even though I wouldn’t answer.

    I broke finally managed to break it off for good near the beginning of November. No contact (again!) If it weren’t for this site, I think I would have given in to the cognitive disonnance and the hoovering and given him another chance to add to the many chances I’d given him. It appears he’s finally given up. He sent a good bye text saying he was going to delete my number in order to stop texting me and that I’m a good woman and he hopes I’ll find what I’m looking for. I’m hoping that’s the end of him.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 11, 2015 at 7:09 pm Reply

      Hi Tina,

      Sorry it took me so long to get to your post. I hope you are doing well and that he has stayed away. Please update so that your new post will bump to the top. I pray that he left you alone finally and for good.

      Zari xo

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