A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)

I meant this NPD about 6 years ago he started off with all the love bombing, fake future trips and having a family and home together.You name it he did it.Such a good charmer and liar he was. But it was always something about him that just didn’t sit well with me and also the fact that I caught him in an with an married coworker of mine in the hallway gazing in each other’s eyes in away that you knew something was going on with them. So I shut him down after that for about 8 months or so. And then fell sorry for him and starting missing him and again starting talking to him again. What a big mistake!! The same mess all over again and even worse. He staring disappearing more and lying even more because during the time of the break up he had gotten into another relationship with someone and moved in with them I believe he was messing around with during the time he was talking to me which turned out to be a man. Can you believe this? How when I found this out and called him on it he immediately acted like he didn’t know what I was about and of course to this day has not admitted being gay or even apologize. He has started an smear campaign for me because I went no contact on him but still looks for every opportunity to try and talk to me. What kind of mess is this? And is also getting married in a couple months to his gay lover someone told me they have their wedding announcement all over social media. These are very sick people in all the days of my life I have never seen anything like this before in my life. I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster behind this and to this I just continue to ask God to help me through this horrible experience. I trust and believe that God take care of these horrible animals that find Joy in hurting others. Karma!!!

Hi Zari, I am in need of advice. My relationship with XN started 11 years ago. The first year and half was lovey dovey,It all changed when I got pregnant and ultrasound scan showed the baby was a girl. He disappeared two weeks later. Mutual friends told me he was shagging anything that opened her legs.He would occasionally turn up drunk, I wouldn’t let him in so he slept on my doorstep. He’d leave the next morning after I would refuse to talk or let him in. Two weeks before I gave birth he demanded to be at the birth and on her birth certificate. He gave me no peace. We went to counselling, I was told not to take him back. I allowed him to be at the birth, along with my 14 year old daughter (not his) and my mother. When our Baby daughter was 7 months old, he begged forgiveness and asked if he could live with us, he wanted to be a dad.. I forgave and he moved in. Six weeks later I was pregnant again. Scan showed a boy, our son. His behaviour has always been his way or no way, he takes and takes while I always gave and gave Never ending verbal abuse..I felt trapped. A teenager and two babies. As soon as my teenager turned 18, she moved out, sick of his bullshit and drama. My teenager is now a 23 lady, our daughter is 9 and our son is almost 8. XN ruined every one of my eldest daughter’s birthdays,I ended our relationship on the night of her 22nd, because he caused drama In the 7 years we lived together I was only allowed out with my eldest daughter once. he publicly humiliated me on several occasions, he twisted my words, denied any wrong doing, blamed me for his behaviour For 3 years I had an inflamed stomach, on the verge of ulcers My credit card debt totalled $9000. When I kicked him out, he called the children into the room and told them I was kicking him out but he didn’t want to go but Mummy’s making me. He has made my life a total hell.For months the children have blamed me. 3 days after he left he rang begging forgiveness. I stood my ground and said NO. A week later he came to see the children and he told me “our relationship is over, I’m seeing someone else and I’m getting a Lawyer, I’m taking the kids”. I got legal advise, for the next couple of months he was having the children every second weekend. I was getting abusive phonecalls and txt messages. I blocked him and his family from Facebook. One weekend I went to pick up the children and he took our son out of my car and refused to let me take him. I got our son back the following evening. We are currently in the court process, he wants shared care. every weekend he has them he buys them toys. In the last year he has broken up with new girlfriend, been picking up girls on online dating sites and has got back together with girlfriend and is about to move in with her. I have been pressured into letting him have the children 6 nights a fortnight, he’s now pushing for more XN has told me he is always going to be in my life..I have had my dog stolen and returned 3 days later, I have had prowlers around my house. I am currently having group counselling with other ladies which has been a great support for me. What I want to know is how do I make this STOP? I have little to no evidence of his abuse, everyone thinks he’s wonderful, a great dad and charming and funny. Meanwhile he’s mentally torturing me. I have made it so there is no physical contact between us only email and only about the children. But I can’t help feeling he is only using the children to hurt me more. In the past 3 months I have become alot stronger, I am finding myself again, the children are happy in my care and they are telling me things that are happening that they aren’t happy about. Our daughter is showing behaviour like XN’s when she doesn’t get her way, which I calmly tell her, “Your behaviour is rude and mean. That’s not how people treat each other”. I feel drained and foolish.I am usually a “can it do” and “this to shall pass” kind of woman. But lately I feel like my sanity is holding on by a thin thread

Hey

I wrote to you a while ago and I enjoy your insight so I wondered if I can ask something more I have seen
Do you think someone can have strong narcissistic TRAITS but be an empath?

I speak of this based on my own upbringing and then friends I have met along the way .

I seem to see that empaths often have narcissists parents such as myself . When we grow up with them we often minim Thier behaviour simply so we are not Thier victim. I felt this myself and the really hurt me I knew I wasn’t one by I adopted traits to survive my childhood . As I got older and left I realised I didn’t know myself and the person I was was actually an empath. I feel people’s emotions so deeply often I didn’t know what was my own . For years people would think I was tough ams blunt but it was never me I found intact I was so kind and sensitive I ad to almost adopt a different side so that my mother didn’t prey on me . As I was older I met friends who had high narcissistic TRAITS. Way I noticed though waste your were also empaths highly sensitive ,creative yet seemed to have the same battle I once did . I would see in them how they were somehow torn. I would see empathy genuine but the seemed to battle with this inner turmoil like jekyll and hide but it genuinely seemed a battle to them. They were older than me so maybe the length they had carried on with it caused them more harm and they lost themselves. But did they have narcissistic quality yes completely exactly the same as they do . I’m quite an open person and I feel when people lie and tell truth. I I write about narcissism to and Tey have listened to my writings. Both said they see themselves in it. Almost a wow .
But it’s within both of them it’s like the battle I had . That they have this genuine heart opening and yet they have this other side. I see it when they allow themselves to be sensitive that it seems to come in full force .maybe the fear in them is too great. They too both had narcissistic parents. What we all have in common is we are awakened ,creative and sensitive. What we don’t have in common is that I don’t wear a mask it’s all feelings but Thier is very stuck. So again it brings me to the question can someone have high narcissistic traits …perhaps developed as a mechanism as a child but not be one ?

Thank you

Just wondered if anyone else has done this: Had a narcissistic male in my life for 10 years. I got the “love-bombing” the lying, and the usual BS that comes with narcissism. He was pretty easy to see through, though……my gut told me something just wasn’t quite right about him, so I distanced myself until *I* disappeared; I couldn’t get away fast enough. As soon as he was out of sight, it was as if the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. By the way listen to you inner self; if something isn’t right, it probably isn’t. At any rate, he reappears in my email once in a while, sending me things he thinks will rekindle our relationship – things like photos of my dog, places that remind me of him, etc. I read the emails and then I actually answer them with the consistent, “Thank you” many many weeks later. I’ve watched this creep wreak havoc on his family and friends and I am ashamed to say that I only answer his email to torque him; to think he has secured me as an “alternative supply.” I know the NC rule should be firmly in place, but I think he deserves to think that he has me as “another option” when, in fact he does not.

Sent him packing April 2015. Came back ‘hoovered’ Sept 2016 with a ‘sweet’ message, wanted us to be ‘civil’ and hoped we had moved on ‘positively’ after 5 months. I did not bother to reply. Sure enough 2 days later, the ‘nasty’ message came through, boy was he angry, called me a coward, a loser and said that obviously I had not moved on ‘positively’. My no contact really pissed him off. Didn’t send me the nasty message, bypassed me and got to me through my adult children in an attempt to turn them against me. Lucky they had been ‘educated’ and expected this turn of events. I did reply, broke no contact but for a reason. I was leaving 2 days later on a 10 day trip, so I did not want him to continually abuse me through my kids. I lied and told him the reason I had not replied was because I was overseas and it was obvious to me that the only person who had not ‘moved on positively’ was him. Shut him up until my return as I told my kids it would, imagine his embarrassment, he jumped the gun and assumed I was avoiding him and he had prematurely shown his true mask through his anger, to me and my children (mine BTW) not his children. As I told my kids, all will be quiet now until he knows I have returned, you are safe for 10 days. Sure enough, how he knew I was back 10 days later (who knows), but yes he now asked for a couple of possessions he remembered I had not packed for him, a toaster & kettle, for Christ’s sake! No contact but returned them through third party. Next his father was dying (true), and he believed being such a kind person I would rush to his side. No contact, cold as ice. Difficult in this case, but he’s a big boy, he got me thrown out of his own family through backstabbing, lying and making me be the bad one, so now – take care of your own family-they threw me out. I’m taking care of my own and protecting them from scum like you. Next, appeared at my golf club after not seeing him 5 months. I was ‘expecting’ this one as it was the only option left for him to try and rehook me. Gave him nothing, walked right past him and did not return his ‘good morning’ as if nothing had happened. Tried again a week later this time at a special function at golf where he was given to task to address the crowd. I stayed for the lunch out of obligation to my fellow golfers, but as soon as he was handed the microphone and went on stage, he gave me a look that told me he was about to cry (croc tears). I grabbed my bag, stood up and left. What was I going to do? Applaud the pathological liar, backstabber and the coward who ‘dobbed me in’ to his brothers to save his own arse because he had fucked up? And besides, I knew him by then and microphone in hand, God knows I knew if he wanted to he could say something that was bound to embarrass me and eventually make a fool out of me. Last time I saw him, thank God and a few days later (if not that same day), he caught up with his ‘mistress’. Thank God I was so strong and cold, imagine if I hadn’t studies his ‘hoovering’ reasons and let him back in if that’s how devoted to me he was that as soon as he realised I was not playing, he went back to the first available ‘bitch’ who was willing to take him back after he dumped her (apparently) so he could come back to me. Now he’s moved location and he’s with her (or a new victim) – I don’t keep up with his news anymore. Blocked him, his entire family, flying monkeys, and anyone that connected me to him and also blocked him from my phone. I don’t hear, see or say anything and that’s how I want it to be. How could I be so cold and strong? When he lied to his family and backstabbed me in April 2016, then came home and tried to make me believe that MY MOUTH not his had got me thrown out of his family and it was all my fault, I realised the man was not only a narcissist but also a bloody dangerous human being and if I stayed with him one day he would think nothing of putting my safety and my life in a situation I (legally) that I could not get myself out of as easily. It was no longer a matter of the relationship surviving or not, my life and my future depended on my being cold and strong and cutting all ties that connected me and my own family to such a coward and a dangerous human being. It’s was a matter of survival, my life, future and sanity depended on it. And this time, (the second time) he simply did not have a chance against my own strength to finally out for what he did and the person he is. All that was left for him once outed to everyone was to run with his tail between his legs, get as far away from me, his own children and family, hook some poor unsuspecting new victim and shack up with her. I wish them, especially her the very best as that way I know that he will never attempt to return into my life. The happier he is, the safer I and my children are. I don’t mean to make this part of my life ‘easy’, it’s been painful and at times it still is. It’s hard knowing that someone you were with for 7 years never actually existed, but I survived it and all the abuse and lies I endured served to finally open my eyes to his cowardice and his treachery and allowed me to send that text telling him “I want you out of my life, come home, pack and leave”. From that point on IT WAS OVER AND NO AMOUNT OF HOOVERING WAS GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND.

Hi Zari, I think my friend who I had a brief affair with has low level narcissism. He is bi-sexual (a few encounters with his long-term best friend) which he mentions publicly periodically to almost ‘punish’ the girl he is with for their bad behaviour – some of his gfs never found out about this side of him, I knew from the start because we were friends. He was married for 4 years but she left him around 4 years ago. His sister no longer speaks to him or lets him see her children. He knows he has made mistakes and they cause him real pain yet he repeats his tactics. He periodically considers mindfulness as he is sometimes aware of his manipulativeness but at other times plays up his bad boy image. We were good friends for a year but found it difficult to get together, I could see how he was but wanted him anyway. I feel that we both love each other however he definitely looks for younger, very pretty women who meet his image criteria and found it hard to choose me (same age) – he acted almost scared of making a move on me. I do feel we are soul mates but this comes more from me, not him, he has only once suggested that I wasn’t ‘meant to be’ with someone else and this was something I felt myself about the other person anyway. While we were getting together he slept with someone else, I found out, challenged him on it and he lied to save my feelings so I didn’t go ahead with the relationship. This was because I found that he was messaging me the nicest things about missing me at the time that he was with this other person – perhaps he was but I found it deceptive. He works as a promoter and uses flirting to get people to go to his music events, he is the funniest person I’ve ever met and has a wide number of shallow friendships, however some very long standing friendships too of both narcissistic but also some very kind friends. He has a history of drug taking although is surprisingly healthy and rarely drinks. He has a strong social media following and places great importance on his online life. He does have the listening technique but I in fact have better memory skills. Since we fell out he tried to maintain contact periodically while he had another girlfriend – he did use nostalgia and checks in at ’emotionally significant’ dates e.g. the anniversary of when I went to see him the previous year, Christmas Day, etc. But when arranging times to hang out he only gets in touch on the specific day, he does not plan in advance. This makes me feel he is waiting for me to make a move – I generally don’t bite but it doesn’t feel like he can return to the friend status / cares about me enough however I also just wonder is he plain scared – I’m a v strong person. He also discusses women over 30 as being ‘low game’ with his male friends [he’s 36 himself!] and has been sexually promiscuous. Unfortunately I care about him a lot as we had a lot of fun times together and even if he is too difficult to be with I would like to be good friends with him again. Do you think this possible? I would like to PM you on this with more specifics.

Dear friends, Zari,

Thank you all for sharing your experiences here, and Zari thank you for your site, its an ocean of comfort in those moments of self doubt, pain and emotional starvation.

Here is what I learnt about hoovering and in general, the agony of involvement with a narc…
Hoovering is never about you, its always about him/her (of course it must be, nothing iis ever about the victim/target)…

I was at a restaurant recently, he didnt see me, I hadnt seen him either, he happened to be at the booth right behind me, talking about me with a new girl (poor thing, flying monkey in training)… these are his words
“I used to date a girl called Gina, she does not want to stay in touch anymore as just friends… I mean I dont even know if I want her… she left me, but too soon, if only she would stick around a bit more, this way I could know if I really want to commit to her or not”

Huh? Really? stick around more so that I could get the final grand kick in the butt?

that was a few months ago, over the holidays he sends me texts, telling me that it is important for me to know that he loves me, cares for me eternally, romantic music, poems etc. Im not responding all he is hearing from me is the sound of crickets from a barren desert.

I realize this is going to be a very long post if I go into the details…I will spare you that.

Going forward, fior me, the question is simple… how do I want to live and love? Not like that for sure.

To all here, have courage,you can move on, you can do better, you can live a fulfilled life with someone who would simply be honoured tonhave you in his life. I wish you all a loving 2016 with a person who has the integrity to choose you over anything else, anyone else.