Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

If only I could get Her to read this , with an Open Mind / Heart…………

My ex did this relentlessly, before any key event – parent teacher meet, holidays, arriving anywhere, leaving for anywhere, she would start some sort of head spinning fight.,… .one of the worst was being told out of the blue to calm down! when I literally hadn’t said a word, bewildering – even knowing whats happening its still so offensive… it would alter my mood instantly..guard shield up. If I didnt react the dance would escalate literally to this ridiculous dance physical mocking..over the top, if ide smurk or shake my head in disbelief she would add laughing up close in my face(her going all out to get a reaction).. React or not, the emotion within myself was the same, hurt – its offensive watching your ‘partner’ behave in such a nasty way…. no hope of a future, past was a lie, realize this person is out to destroy you from day one. If I was to react in presence of our kids, they would only see the reaction not the carefully orchestrated taunting for the last 15 minutes… then the kids say ‘you started it, you yelled or raised your voice’.. then the narcissist plays on that further, little grin on their face… mission accomplished.

To me the scariest part is how it all seems so instinctual, like a salmon knowing where to spawn, a bird that knows where to migrate – where does this evil come from, is it in her DNA, is it result of some past conditioning, is it a learned behavior… . Ive never been very religious, but one starts to wonder if that instinct N’s share is not put there by the horned man himself.

I find it interesting (and alarming) that these kind of discussions always use “he” and “him”. I assure you that Narcissism occurs at least as often in women.

Oh my gosh! I thought I was going crazy! These are my exact same story. My boyfriend of 18 months tried to control me in every way. We lived together, then he would throw me out. He took control of my house and made me go deep in debt. He caused me to lose my job and then when I tried being a real estate agent, he sabotaged it also. I see now it was to make me dependent and make it so that I couldn’t make it without him. Every time we would end, he would say terrible things about me and blame it all on me and then days or weeks after, would show up at my door, promising to change. This last time, he ended it two weeks ago by texting me that he was seeing someone else. Then of course he blames me for not making him feel special and that he didn’t think it would hurt me because I didn’t seem to care anyway. This was after I made sure he had an extra special birthday including a balloon ride! He has contacted me since, dumping off my stuff with a note saying he was sorry but …. And also sent me a long email also extensively blaming me and saying that he forgives me for all the awful stuff I did to him. I have not responded and now after reading your articles and these stories and reading more about narcissism, I know I can never speak to him again. I know this new woman is getting the love bomb right now and he is focusing his effort on keeping and controlling her, but I know as soon as he is dissatisfied with something she says or does, he will be showing up at my door again. I am preparing myself for that. It does hurt to think of him being with this other woman and that she is getting the best part of him right now, but I have to instead, remember all that crappy parts like when he would give me the cold shoulder as punishment or spin an argument into a crazy spiral of blame and belittling and contradiction. It is easier this time I think because I can see how crazy he is and is selfish reasoning behind his actions. I caught him in a blatant lie this time, and I think even he realizes I can’t possibly forgive him for it. But if he tries to show up, I’m prepared to ignore him or call the cops. I feel so much stronger now, thank you.

Wow, thank you so much for writing this and I will get the book. reading the comments here has also brought light to mine eyes and so I thank you profusely for this, commenters! I have been the victim [no more] of 3 of these actually 4 bc I just discovered my mother has some traits of this as well. I am the daughter of a father who was never around, flying for business and showered us with gifts to replace real love. I learned this happened increasingly when I got older bc he had emotional trouble with seeing me as a woman, bc he was a womanizer. Early childhood was fun and easy, but things were weird there too like when he had me walk around the topless beaches of Nice, France, with him taking photos of women.

FFWD – my daughters father was a total narcissist and would always be gone, totally self centered and played out his victimization at work on me when he came home. He spent hours just sitting in his truck in the driveway, avoiding us till it was time to eat or sleep. He had other issues but this was a major piece in my divorcing him back in 2009-11 [finalized in 2011] HE WAS NEVER THERE and was totally stunned that I wanted a divorce… yeah right buddy, I am an always will be a single mom. [3 moths prior to the D – He would leave before we woke up and come home after we were asleep — and never answered his phone, even when I was diagnosed with BC, he was ‘somewhere’]

FFWD to now, i had been alone for 6-7yrs and met a guy I had been FB friends with through the Deadhead community [I thought they were more ‘with it’ and ‘cool’ bc I was] He saw me at a Dead and Co show in SF and I didn’t hear him, my friend did, but bc I am an intuitive empath seer HSP shaman lighworker [yah all of that! and an essene ] i had a voice tell me I was going to meet someoen that night. I realize now he had been psychically targeting me for a while…

Things he did:
He was a truck driver so I only saw him one a month or maybe once every two months but the time leading up and away from this was like a drug addict expecting a fix and then despondently desperate after the drug leaves. I became in a cycle of fear for the leaving bc afterwards he would get all weird and accuse me of being with other men. Yes, the sex was good, more than good and he seemed to activate me sexually like no-one i’d ever experienced before. this was the drug… I turned into someone I had wanted to be and had been craving to be seen as – a sexy vivacious woman, which I am so I thought this was good. He activated me and I had been dreaming of this kind of spiritual sexual connection bc I thought my marriage would bring this, but it did not.

He gave us many things, later that I learned were tags he put on us to stake his claim to out energy, he liked us and we fed his need for psychic food. There were so many things but I resonate the most with the piece about the chaos bc I could never tell when he was going to “go crazy” and suddenly accuse me of trying to attract another man when he was away. He had, what I later learned was a genetic disposition called ‘morbid jealousy’ and ‘paranoia’ due in part to his lineage [italian and austrian] and also being ‘trained’ and raised by an older father born in 1910 who took him to Vegas a lot.

I am guilty of hoping he would change and that I would somehow find that magic bullet that would make him be the person he was half the time… the dream lover, the kind sweet unconditional giver and provider. He was going to buy me a house in Utah, but it was a shotgun shape and this was telling… my other was fearing for me and showed me the plan for control he had been laying out of making me isolate through fear. I am learning so much now!

3am arguments by video chat bc I though he needed to see me to be ok, I seriously thought he was going nuts on the road and that only I could save him. I see the road did make him nuts… he had been out there for 11years [he said that was 2x to the moon and back] and I think that would make anyone nuts. I felt like I had to stay on the phone with him on caffeine rushes to keep him awake or going so he could do his job and pay the bills. A true coda lady! I was ‘HELPING’. there were other factors too, his ex baby mama was jailed and the kid now 19 was motherless, but she just suddenly came on the scene when he met me… and now wanted a relationship with the son. I see now, this was the beginning of trying to make me jealous, the photos of exes on his profile, to get me off center. I wasn’t bc my love was strong for him and it was new for me… i am loyal and this is why when he was accusing me of cheating, it did not register, but later the gas lighting made me doubt myself and see that i possibly was looking at married men, even though i never pursued them. He made out that the thought was enough.

Oh! and speaking of enough… there were past life karmic things to clear in the connection with R and so this was also a piece… [yes, I have been through the wringer!] There were catch phrases he’d say “ I AM NOT ENOUGH” meaning him and that he will ‘stay with me until I find someone better’ i mean WTF if thats the case, leave now right? what is that? cognitive dissonance? mind fuckery? yes all of the above.

We had a lot of fun at concerts, but there was always some weird disconnect there like he was in with the band and I was a giddy gal hooting and hollering dancing my ass off. It was fun, but it was trippy. I’d always feel like I wanted him, I was very turned on and needy I think and I own that… I probably have an issue with self control and bc of my upbringing need to look at that. [I’ve been in therapy most of my life and am navigating this well therapy free I believe now, but I must speak on this next part bc its important…]

This brings me to the tech infiltration. Bc of my sensitivities, and our online relationship, I feel that he spies on me through my cellular level and technology. I have no contact now but I feel him in the air around me haunting me like a ghost bc he knows I am sensitive like that. I am a medium. So on this level it is a psychic warfare of sorts. How does one undo this kind of infiltration on the energetic levels? Well, I have been working with an exorcist and many light worker friends who have been helping me raise my frequency and unloose me from this psychic vampire. He wrapped me in wire [psychically] to the point of when I healed from this I broke out in a physical rash all over my outside perimeter [not under arms or back of legs funnily enough] only where he crush hugged me one night in the truck. He asked if he could do this and I let him, but I didn’t understand what he was doing psychically. My friend dewired me and I am free now but not without the scars from the sores. I got strep which turned into a scarlet fever of sorts, I didn’t understand and this all happened on my move and coincided with the breakup. Yes, 3 fold whammy… I am strong!!! Leo here. He is a Sagg and i think signs and karma play a part in these things… SO, I had a huge move [10yrs in same place to far away, away from family, sick and a huge breakup]

I was only with him for 9 months but every full moon we had a drama. He created them… I wasn’t allowed to go to shows w/o him bc he was hawk eyeing me remotely constantly. It was so hard, I had very acute awareness [even now] of his energy around me. They try to keep their food scared and isolated. I felt like I was dying many times, I felt like my skin was on fire. [That was the wire – a psychic control system he put in place to make me feel like I was nuts and needed him to be ok.]

So, I am free, but I continue to fight on the psychic levels… there is still program running that down the road, I’ll need him and he’ll be there for me. He said it. I believed it. That when my mother dies and I have no one – no where to go, he’ll be there for me… to control and keep me safe… in his clutches.

I am still working on that one… its in my brain. He played on my fears. He knew how to read me. He seemed like a pedophile too. I didn’t see anything in real but for some reason I’d reach out psychically to my daughter to make sure her soul was ok. Sometimes this would happen during sex when she was asleep in the other room… this freaked me out bc he seemed to get more excited when this occurred. BIG RED FLAG. I didn’t believe this would happen in real, but the thought was ‘around’. And I am getting warm just typing this truth bc I have not shared this openly with many.

I am still working on releasing this short but impactful relationship and I hope my sharing this helps others as your shares helped me.

I want to say to the men who are victims of female narcs, I understand your need to be heard. Please keep speaking up. This seems to be more prevalent with the men victimizing the women but I know it happens both ways. I think/believe that the genders flip sometimes… he accused me of being more like a man and he was a woman. He started the relationship off like that… with that mind fuck but later i realized it was bc of the past life stuff where I was a man and he was a woman and he did act like one. Leo is a masculine sign and I have always been strong… a light warrior and courageous contender in the fight for truth. I think thats why God has had me experience this… this dynamic bc I see that there is hope here. This is why I believe I could have changed him. In fact I have a friend, a younger woman in Canada, who seemed to exactly mirror my experience with her guy while I was experiencing mine! it was soooo weird!!! its still on with them, but she has surrendered to the lessons and is working with him… he is an addict as mine is and as I am/was. WE are all in this together… i think its a pretty sick world no? we have to learn to raise our frequency and stay aware of ourselves as best we can. I have another old man friend who just wrote me yesterday [knows little of my plight] and he said ‘Jan, and about the men – you dont need one.’

I’ll stop there as I can go on lol [member of on and on and on anon lol] and say thanks for reading… God bless us all.

I agree with the chaos element, also not only will they be highly chaotic, they may well blame YOU for creating chaos and be the ones to accuse you first. The chaos they create is not born of normal frustrations or strong emotions but cooked up. And I don’t believe it’s a narcissistic trait any more than a purely psychopathic one. Psychopaths tend to have lives with outlandish levels of drama and chaos in their past or present.

It’s a psychopathic trait.

And can we please avoid constantly referring to narcissists or psychopaths as always male? I find the traits to be every bit as common in women, particularly in the chaotic dimension used as a weapon, as opposed to just being due to negligence (which can also be a psychopathic trait).

It’s so reassuring for me at this time to read about other’s experiences so I feel obliged to share mine with you in case it helps and because I’m also at the denial stage where I’m blaming problems on myself instead of seeing my ex’s naracissim.

7 years ago I fell in love with my ex. He was a married man with a 12 month old child. I didn’t pursue him but him me. He showered me with attention, texts, contact etc for 12 months and although I tried to break it off on several occasions he always persuaded me that he couldn’t live without me so I kept going back to him. The relationship at this point was mainly on an emotional level. Eventually he left his wife (I never once told him to leave) and child and took our relationship to the next level. It was kept secret for almost two years and during that time he left me a couple of times to see if he could fix things with his wife but always came back to me. I feel for him deeply and although I knew the situation was wrong I truly believed that we were meant to be together but that timing and circumstance had made it difficult for us. This is what he told me.

We made our relationship public and immediately moved in together. We had been planning our life together for such a long time that to be able to act it out felt like the best thing that had happened, we felt so deeply in love with one another.

Two years down the line and we were still going string although I felt he had become distant from me and I felt a bit insecure but we always put it down to the stresses of his work and him struggling to cope with being away from his child.

It got so bad that over Easter I left him for two weeks as it felt like he simply didn’t want me around and I was struggling to cope with it and becoming a needy insecure mess. We got back together and all seemed ok but he was still different.

Two months later, on the eve of his 40th birthday I revealed to him that I had planned a surprise trip to away and we were leaving that evening. He didn’t seem too excited and I went upstairs to pack, when after an hour or so he told me that he couldn’t go away with me and that he was leaving me. I was devasted. Initially I begged him to try to sort things out. He was my soulmate and I was his. We were best friends, we work together, had the most passionate relationship even after 4 years together. Him and his child we my world.

He told me I needed to move on with my life so eventually I was forced into non contact, although I still worked with him but it was all done by email only and remotely.

After spending a while recovering I started to get stronger and then I began getting odd texts, calls and emails from him. I tried not to think too much of them but they seemed to be out of the norm after a break up and telling someone to get on wit their life!

Almost 3 months later and we met up. I felt stronger again and thought that we needed to be in contact again for the sake of the working relationship. We went for a meal and later in the week he poured his heart out to me and was crying saying he’d made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted me back.

I was elated! He confirmed what I thought that he’s been so stressed with work etc that he’d blamed it all on me and pushed me away as he thought I was the cause. My happy ever after was back. He promised me he would get his divorce finalised and told me that he wanted to marry me and promised that would happen. I said I needed it.

Over the next 15 months I slowly started to discover that he had left me previously because he had been cheating on me with an ex. Every time I confronted him about what I had found he gave me another set of lies to satisfy what I had found but each time it didn’t make sense until I found out more of the truth. I reacted very badly to this and said a lot of awful things to him but tried to understand that he had lied to protect me.

But he still wasn’t divorced and was now refusing to marry me as he said our relationship wasn’t strong enough. We went to couples counselling but he refused to empathise with the trauma I had been through and just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet rather than help me deal with things.

He has openly admitted that he thinks needing people is weak and that he spends his life managing people and situations to his gain and that he boxes things up in his head.

Things got so bad and I felt so insecure that 2 months ago I ended the relationship. I still wanted him but desperately needed him to see what he was doing. Initially he wanted us to get back together but back on his terms, and I know that the day after he left he had set up various online dating profiles.

After 3 weeks of trying to win me back he went quiet. I found out that at that point he has started up a relationship with a new woman and he’s showering her with gifts, taking her away to hotels we used to go to and she has stayed at our house in our bed. The pain, shame and embarrassment I feel at how easily he has replaced me with another woman is awful. It’s even more insulting that this new woman appears to have a lot of traits that he used to belittle in other people when we were together.

I have yet again begged he takes me back but yet again he is adamant that it’s over.

I am slowly starting to heal and have gone non contact again but once more he appears to be putting tentative feelers out via email, facebook etc to see if I’m still there for him.

The confusion I feel is awful as I still feel like he is the love of my life. I am seeking therapy to help me address any issues I may have brought into the relationship so that if he comes back to me I can fix things, but at the same time I believe he has problems which he won’t address. He pushes any perceived ‘problems’ in our relationship back onto me. But I still want to see the good and believe that I could be the one to change him. He doesn’t talk to anyone about his ’emotions’ besides me and the physical attraction we both still feel is overwhelming. I know he still feels both of these things as he has told me and shown me in the last week or so. We are best friends and share friends and had a lovely life together.

Would love to hear what anyone reading thinks of my situation.

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