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Narcissists & The Silent Treatment

silent-teatment-narcissistNarcissists will invoke the silent treatment for days, weeks, and longer with no explanation as a way to control and demoralize their partners. Narcissists are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for you doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of passive-aggressive control is sheer torture. The first time it happened to me, I felt as lost, sad, and helpless as the puppy in the picture. I thought my ex surely must be dead on the side of the road to not have called me for three days. Well, those three days turned into six weeks. Little did I know that that particular silent treatment was the first of literally hundreds to come. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone could do something like that on purpose to a person that they supposedly cared about.

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My ex-N of 12-years executed a narcissistic silent treatment, on an average, about every 3-6 months (and, during one stretch, even every two weeks),  depending, I assume, upon how his other sources of supply were faring. Each silent treatment would last anywhere from two to three days to six weeks to six months before he hoovered back or before my begging at his door and endless onslaught of desperation letters forced him to give in. The Silent Treatment, for my ex and for many others, is a powerful narcissistic ploy and/or tactic and it gets the point across.

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No matter how he goes about it or why it happens or when it happens, the Silent Treatment always sucks. The fact that the victim of a narcissistic partner rarely knows why they are receiving the silent treatment only compounds the mental torture. I remember reading an article where the writer described the narcissist’s silent treatment as particularly demoralizing because the N is clearly making a statement – in unspoken terms, of course – that you, the recipient, aren’t even worth acknowledging…aren’t worth a moment of his time…that, in fact, you are a worthless piece of shit on his shoe.  How true that is? We all get the point and fast!

“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Keeping us in the dark about when it will end (or even why it’s happening) is an intentional strategy designed to create as much anxiety as possible in the recipient. And it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and to give up the need for closure. We become the puppet and the Narcissist, the Puppeteer.

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The silence is meant to hurt you. It is meant to teach you a lesson. And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply.

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Most victims  – myself included – will describe the days and weeks of silence as an agonizing torture that leaves us broken and desperate, willing to try anything and everything to get a response. If this means apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though we know have done nothing wrong, then so be it. When you’re in the thick of it, the pain of the silence is far worse than the pain of being a doormat. Meanwhile, the narcissist goes on about his/her business until, for whatever reason, he feels his victim have been punished enough or the girl he’s seeing does something he doesn’t like. When this happens, he will usually return offering no explanation – or at least no logical explanation – and he will expect to pick up right where he left off and as if he’d never been gone.  So dismantled and dejected, the victim often demands no answers anyway, keeping her mouths shut and choosing, instead, to revel in the fact that her anxiety has passed. This particular response, by the way, is an intended result of the silent treatment so that the N gets away with the entire debacle. This is just another narcissistic strategy for managing down our expectations so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.

Understand that a partner using the Silent Treatment for any type of punishment – let alone one for a crime not committed – is not normal under any circumstances. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, it is just one more requirement he has filled in the overall pathological relationship agenda. No one ever deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. No one …not even one time.

In my book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I devote an entire chapter to a step towards recovery that I call Silence Appreciation. By learning to actually appreciate the silence given and by using the time wisely as yet another step towards mentally freeing oneself from the narcissist, you’re life will begin to make miraculous changes. It did for me and I know it can for you as well….

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150 Comments

  • Mark

    February 20, 2016 at 4:12 am Reply

    Learn a lesson and move on. I did, and I have now been in a very happy relationship with a wonderful woman for 3 and a half years and… guess what? She doesn’t cut communication from me for any reason. Why would she? She’s not narcissistic….. Put it behind you – narcissists are amazingly good at making their victim believe that they are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to them – when I look back at my 4.5 years, I realise that she was the WORST thing that ever happened to me…. Move on my friend, and find happiness with someone who wants you because you are a nice guy who makes them feel good, not because they can control and destroy you to make themselves feel good….

  • Ajay

    February 4, 2016 at 9:50 am Reply

    Thanx For This Post Hon It’s Given Me Some Insight As Im Having The Same Problem I Am Going Through Right Now Everything Was Going Well Up Untill Me And My Partner Got Really Close Then The Nasty Threats,Blackmail,Brainwashing And The Verbal Abuse Started Too Happen From My Partners Narcissistic Mother In Law Too Be I Was Emotionally Abused And Degraded For Who I Was As Her Daughters Partner Since I Was Looking For A Proper Full Time Career As She Put It And Said I Had Less Than A Week Yoo Find One Bekng Hence Fourth Trying Too Save Up For University Aswell I Was Told Too Piss Off Back Home And Zno Longer Welcome There Untill I Found A Proper Full Time Career Then The Partner Starts Fighting With Me About Mom I Said You Gotta Move Because Its Unhealthy For Our Relationship Even My Partner Deep Down Knows Het Mom Is Down Right Crazy And She Is Using The Divide And Conquer Method Of Tactics This Was Going On Atleat Around Two Days Every Nearly Week For The Last Two Months I Will Write Some More Soon It’s Only Hath The Story.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2016 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Thanks, Ajay! Write and share with us anytime. Recovery is a team effort:)

      Zari xo

  • Steve in silence

    January 27, 2016 at 9:45 am Reply

    Hi Zari. It has been over 90 days now and I still have not heard anything from her. I have been having a great deal of difficultly accepting the fact that who I thought she was and what I thought I had never existed. I have been going to a therapist and put on an antidepressant. This is very new to me in that I have never felt this way before. I am a successful attorney, am very confident and have high self esteem. During our relationship she would complain about not having enough money, so i would help her and pay 1/2 her rent, her car, credit cards, phone and alcohol (she drank a lot of wine). She would also ask me to buy her things (i know i should have seen the signs). All told she conned me out of about 13 thousand dollars. I don’t know why it matters, but i would like to know whether she is just a gold digger or really sick. I have given up on closure.
    But i am doing much better and i am starting to move on…but i still obsess on reading about narcissists and sociopaths.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 19, 2016 at 7:54 pm Reply

      Hi Steve in Silence,

      Look, I lost almost a whole month of posts and/or my responses due to a site glitch and having to restore to an earlier date. I fear that I didn’t respond to you…honestly, I don’t remember although I remember your moniker alright (Steve in Silence) so I know you’ve been writing here. I am so sorry that you’ve been suffering with this and I’d like to send you my book about female narcissism (if I did that too already, so sorry!) because I feel it will help. I am going to send it in PDF form from my personal gmail to the email that you use to post on this website. Please check your email after you receive the notification for this post and it should be there.

      So sorry, brother…..

      Zari xo

  • Steve in silence

    December 31, 2015 at 12:53 pm Reply

    I was dating this wonderful woman for 10 months. I believed that everything was going well and we were talking about moving in together and getting married. Then one night she disappeared and her explanation for why was very unbelievable. I kept pushing and eventually saw her phone (of which she was very secretive). The texts showed that she was cheating with her exboyfriend for the last 7 months as well as meeting guys from the dating sight we met on. When I confronted her with her texts, she stopped talking to . I have not heard a word from her for the last 65 days. I have called and texted and she refuses to acknowledge or reply to my texts. She has gone silent. One of her friends that she works with says that in her words “she can’t go back because all I do is dig in the past”. This is probably because I would want to address her cheating and lying.

    She is 42 years old and I believe that she is a convert somatic narcissist (or at least has tendencies). She is very beautiful and very charming…..but she is given to outbursts of rage. Does this sound like a discard or the silent treatment? Did I cause severe narcissistic injury? Opinions would be appreciated.

  • Mira

    December 4, 2015 at 9:42 am Reply

    After suffering from yet another silence and receiving no responses to my messages including ones saying how lonely I feel, I got fed up. I sent him a message saying he’s not a person I want to be friends with and unfriended him on FB. Of course I regretted it immediately and sent apology after apology, but I think that I have committed serious narcissistic injury. Not only has the silence obviously continued, but he has blocked me on messenger so I can no longer send him messages. That is something he has done before when I’ve angered him. But I’m afraid that this time I may have done serious damage that may be permanent and feel sick to the stomach at the thought, almost panicky and in horrible pain that he may never contact me again. He never tells me what he thinks or feels, just goes silent. Do you think there is still a chance he will contact me again under circumstances of narcisstic injury?

  • Truth Teller

    October 25, 2015 at 2:20 pm Reply

    Confessions of a N: I am an N and am dating an N. Currently I am using the silent treatment on my partner. Because he is beautiful I don’t think he has ever experienced this nor would he have the capacity to recipriocate. I’m not doing this because I’m heartless, actually I’m hurt. I only instigated the silent treatment because he did something that tore my heart to pieces, even if he didn’t know it. I never have given any inclination why I am hurt or even that I am hurt. I just stopped calling, texting and responding to either. And no I am not taking this time to indulge in other affairs, I am actually taking this time to work on myself. Perhaps the silence treatment will go too long and he’ll forget about me or move on. I don’t know and if that happens so be it. N’s are extremely sensitive, vulnerable and hate showing that vulnerability. We’d rather be in control of our feelings and our direction in life. Like a Queen on a throne I demand a certain amount of respect. I will get it even at the hand of my own suffering. I admit that this is about control. A lesson must be taught even if the one that ends up punished happens to be the punisher. I hope this helps anyone that is going through heartbreak due to silent treatment. The person is probably hurt by something. Either way my advice is to move on. You don’t deserve it!

    • Zari Ballard

      October 27, 2015 at 4:42 am Reply

      Hi Truth Teller,

      I appreciate the post although I’m not sure of your motive for writing it. My thought is that a narcissist certainly wouldn’t be giving a shit about what any of us here deserved or didn’t deserve. But you do seem to have a handle on it by way of definition so maybe you are what you say…and if that’s the case, you won’t get a shred of sympathy from me.

      Now, assuming you ARE a narcissist, I’m also assuming (by your reference to Queen on a Throne…) you are female which means that you are the worst of the worst. My guess is that perhaps it took another narcissist to finally put you in your place OR perhaps you’ve already been accused of being narcissistic and this is why you shift the blame onto him. When my ex discovered “what he was”, he did the same thing. He was rather fascinated by his new label and it became an excuse for the most hurtful of his behaviors. Either way, none of the narcissistic behaviors about which we are all too familiar with here are representative of sensitivity or vulnerability – especially the silent treatment. If you’ve blown somebody off because they looked at you at certain way or called you out on some atrocious and/or suspicious behavior or didn’t behave in the manner that you demand, all this does is make you empty, callous, and controlling. The fact that you admit to being a control freak who gets butt hurt over every little thing means nothing.

      Now, all that being said, there are instances in this world where someone we love (that we think loves us back) does something so horrendous that we simply must run without giving notice. On this side of the story, we call it No Contact. Sometimes we even feel like the narcissist who does it to us but for a different reason. The only thing that makes no contact different than a silent treatment is the INTENTION but the intention is oh-so important. So, perhaps you’re on this end yourself – as a female victim – and not the female perp. Perhaps he’s led you to believe you are the problem. You appear to have “something” although I’m not sure what that is but be warned…our eyes here are wide open. I notice that you refer to your partner as a narcissist but give no explanation for that. Ahhhh…such a mystery.

      Thanks for sharing and good luck to you.

      Regards,
      Zari

    • Nora

      November 5, 2015 at 7:17 am Reply

      I am so happy I found this site I felt so lost before I saw that people like me have seen how twisted someone with personality can be. I’ll start by explaining what happened I was with a narc guy for 6 months, the first few months he was sure to make me fall in love with him, constant love bombing, sweetness, being the perfect gentleman. I had told him Iv’e previously been burnt from a bad relationship and wanted to take things slow, he accepted but was still acting as such a perfect gentleman I fell for it quickly then saw myself falling in love gradually. Although being badly hurt previously I did unfortunately trust him not to do the same, the signs first appeared once he realised I was falling for him too, he would get angry over nothing then ignore me, and then come back but make me feel guilty and suddenly I end up apologising even though he had hurt my feelings. It continued like this back and forth, until it got worse, where I would go to see him and he would physically tell me to leave his house if things didn’t go his way sexually or if I wasn’t feeling in the mood. then he would go for a few days come back after the silent treatment apologise and go back to the same behaviour, after 3 times of humialiting me and making me feel guilty and insecure, I finally decided to break it off, I’m quite a mature and forgiving person and he took advantage of this, I sent him a text to break up in a mature manner and after a few days he texted me with a response to make me feel guilty and bad and that he didn’t want the relationship and I should move on, even though I initially came about with the breakup. He has caused me so much anxiety, worry and hurt and extreme guilt always making me believe the problem was my fault and to always apologise. Whenever I would make a mistake he would never make me forget. but if he did a mistake he would expect me to accept a simple sorry no matter how big the damage was. He has really messed with my confidence, although I’m educated , earning a good salary and pretty, he would make me feel priviledged to be dating him even though he hasnt got a good job or higher education. Thank you so much although I am hurt and been made to feel guilty yet again, I have realised through your posts I am a good person with a good heart , but that they took advantage of my kindness and played this agaisnt me. Now he has stopped contacting me after I broke up with him BUT he messaged me back to say we dont get on and your not a good person you get the drift to make me feel guilty and desperate. I am sure he will come back once he is done with the silent treatment, he will find a way to speak to me again, I am just hoping this time I am strong enough to move on and not go back as sometimes I doubt I am.

      Thank you for your post xxxx

  • michelle

    September 9, 2015 at 11:05 am Reply

    I’m so glad I found this site. I had been dating who I thought was the best guy I had ever known for 2 months. I know that sounds like an awfully short time but I liked him alot. I thought I could be with him forever. I’m 32 and I’m a good catch, I did everything for him, I thought he’d treat me like gold and be thankful to have someone like me. A month and a half in his narcissistic side came out. There were small signs before that,I never seen him show a shred of empathy toward anyone or any situation, everything was everyone else’s fault never his own,he never appilogized for things normal people would be sorry for and he told me he’s had a history of cheating and he gets bored easily,though he assured me he was over his cheating ways and would never do that to me. How stupid and trusting I was. In the short time we were together he never took me on a date, never went anywhere with me,i had never been to his house. But he was the most affectionate person I had ever met, seemed so loving and attentive and the best sex of my life.That’s how he hooked me. One of his fav horror movies is Alien and I now know why,he can relate to those soulless evil horrible deranged slimy creatures that live to attach themselves to a human and suck the life out of them. It all makes sense now. So after a month and a half,once he knew I really liked him,would have done anything for him, he disappeared for 4 days. No explanation,we never argued so there was no fight. I literally thought he was dead. I was checking the newspaper everyday to see if anyone had died in a car accident or something. Then after 4 days he popped up, he said his friend died and he was distraught.. Ok understandable I guess,though I couldn’t help but think if my whole family died he’s the last person I would cut out at a time like that,but everyone deals with things differently I guess. He promised he wouldn’t do that to me again and seemed to understand the wrong of his ways. But after that weekend his disappearances and not answering his cell became alot more frequent. He went from always answering his cell, to going all night without answering. Hmmm wonder what he could have been doing to not be able to answer your cell all night. I didn’t want to believe this guy who I gave my heart to who I really trusted would whore around behind my back. Then he spent the whole week with me, being the sweetest most loving bf, in that week I felt like I could be falling in love with this guy. Then the weekend came and he vanished. Wouldn’t answer my calls or texts,i was beyond devastated. I was completely heartbroken I couldn’t leave my bed,i couldnt eat,all I could do is cry. I couldn’t believe this guy who seemed to really care about me could put me through this. I had never experienced anything like that. I had never known anyone who treats people that way. After a few days he called and said he’d been busy and would come over that night,he did answer his cell all night and didn’t show up.the next day he said he’d come over for sure. Again he didn’t show up and wouldn’t answer my calls or txt. I was devastated. I couldn’t function,i couldnt understand how he could treat me that way when I was so good to him. After about a week of not hearing from him,i barely left my bed all week and was still not eatting, he text me back and said he would call me and talk about what’s been going on. That was yesterday and I still haven’t heard back. I feel myself getting more and more over it after each day and I am so thankful I was only with him 2 months and not years,I could never tolerate this for years. I miss him So much,the person I though he was anyways but I absolutely am done with him. That doesn’t mean I’m not completely heartbroken. I pray to God I never come across another Narc for as long as I live. I would still be in a state of shock and confusion if I hadn’t googled narcissistic bf silent treatment, which snowballed into me researching alot on this subject,it’s been the one thing that has pulled me through this. I am so thankful for these sites and reading other victims experiences in the comment section. It’s funny he use to brag about not being the kind of man who would ever hit a girl or be physically abusive, obviously oblivious that he was far worst then a physical abuser, he’s an emotional abuser and the pain he causes is far worst then the pain of physical abuse. Good luck Anthony, hopefully one day you seek help for your severe mental problems, you poor messed up thing.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 26, 2015 at 4:50 pm Reply

      Hi Michelle,

      Girl, your story is my own except for one thing: I put up with it for 13-years! Disappearances, reappearances, silent treatments, not answering the phone, even changing phone numbers and then STILL returning…on and on and on. If you can, right now TODAY, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will empower you to get out now. I talk about all the behaviors that you describe and I explain my mental process of finally getting past it. Don’t wait any longer because, as my story and so many others here show, it will go on until the end of time if you allow it. No one on this planet deserves that kind of treatment. Learn from my mistake, sister! I know that it hurts but, believe me, he will never ever change so don’t even try!

      Stay strong and stay educated so that you know what you’re dealing with. I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

      • Same Boat

        November 15, 2015 at 9:49 pm Reply

        Michelle is Anthony by any chance your narcs middle name? I felt an incredible connection to your story, as I had just gotten back with mine at the exact same time as you started with yours, everything about the timing of on and off fits exactly into my situation with him, he would disappear during the week, but we’d see each other on the weekend. What are the chances we are talking about the same guy? hmmm… wouldn’t that be something? Zari, is there any way for me and Michelle to get in touch? I’m sure it could be coincidence as all narc traits are all pretty much the same… but something about her story, the timing and he’s mention the movie Alien to me also (he’s a horror movie addict). In any case, I went through the whole ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, constant crying’ crap over the summer when he up and left after a small argument (though not even an argument, just me trying to talk to him, trying to understand his behavior) he basically demanded I leave (kind of looked like a monster while saying it) and later said I ‘pushed him away’. I was just getting better (he must have sensed it somehow) when he started to text again saying “so much to talk about”. I should have ignored it, but at the time I did not understand what a narc was and I just thought he missed me and might, just might, actually really care. I took him back, he seemed so genuine, so (gag) loving, for a week(ish) I was in a library one day a few weeks ago when divine intervention took over. My eyes landed upon a book: The Narcissist Epidemic. Without even knowing why, I picked it up, it took me all of three paragraphs to have my AHA! moment. Haven’t stopped reading about it ever since. Did not leave him right away (we are only three days into our current ‘break up’, which was MY idea!) can I get a “woot!?” lol. Seriously though, for a little bit I figured that will all my new found knowledge I could handle him better. I could read into his bullshit and be one step ahead of him. I would control my emotions and not let him hurt me. HOW WRONG! How STUPID! In yet another divine intervention my hands started typing in the name of a popular ”hook up’ web site. Low and behold I found him on there. A NEW ACCOUNT, with a photo I took of him the week before on one of our “good nights”. Keep in mind he was in the “I’m the best thing that ever happened to him” mode when he set it up. The “we’re going to have the best Christmas together” mode. I confronted him and he made up this whole long ridiculous story about his friend setting it up for him and it was joke. I said confidently and firmly “that doesn’t make sense. I wish you luck with that, goodbye”. (of course it was more but trying to shorten it a bit). He expressed extreme disgust with the fact that I didn’t believe him and that I have major self esteem and trust issues. Even asking “is that cause you’ve been cheated on before?” Keep in mind I have great self esteem and have always had good long term relationships and have kept friends with all of them, even 20 years later. I’m so glad I found your site Zari and I will be downloading your books. I am utilizing the NO CONTACT rule (I know only a few days, but so far so good) and hope to be rid of this bullshit for good. The past haunts me throughout the day and night (we were on and off for a year almost exactly to this day), but I’m feeling pretty strong and with support like this I know I’ll be ok. Take care of yourselves everyone!

        • Zari Ballard

          November 21, 2015 at 4:46 pm Reply

          Hi Same Boat,

          What an idiot he is to think you’d actually believe his ridiculous lie that a friend set that profile up? I love how you said, “that doesn’t make sense. I wish you luck with that, goodbye”. When you read my books, especially When Love Is a Lie, you’ll see that I’m big on logical. If it ain’t logical, it’s a lie! These guys are such losers, I swear. So, I laughed right out loud when I read that in your letter. Good for you! You simply can’t argue with logic.

          As for getting in touch with Michelle, I’d be glad to try to hook that up for you but I don’t know which Michelle you’re referring to. I searched all comments from Michelle and it pulled up several different people. If you can let me know the date of her post and under which article it was, I’ll find it and email her for permission to give you her email or I’ll give her yours or something like that. So just let me know and I’ll see what I can do…

          Zari xo

          • Same Boat

            November 22, 2015 at 11:07 am

            One week and two days of NO CONTACT. Deleted photos and videos off my camera and computer. Unfollowed him on FB (I know I need to block). Thinking he might not reach out anyway, especially since I caught him so red-handed and he knows that “I know” what a lying loser he is, so his cover is blown!!! It’s hard because even though I knew there was something ‘not right’ about him, he hurt me several times, and I was always so confused (the same stuff it seems we are all dealing with)… the one thing I actually believed was that he was a ‘loner’ and spent most of his time alone or with me or his close friends. The days/nights he didn’t feel like seeing me I just assumed it’s because he wants his ‘alone’ time, his ‘space’. He really made me believe he just didn’t like other people and I’m the only one he can trust and he’s very picky and I’m so different from the rest. So with all that I didn’t really suspect he was seeing other girls. Probably dumb of me, I know. Now it’s hard cause my mind keeps recalling every moment over the last year that he said “I’m not feeling good tonight” “I’m just so busy with work” “I fell asleep and didn’t hear the phone” etc. etc. etc…. he was probably with someone else and I was so naive. The fact is, I am a trusting person, but in the back of my mind I questioned all this shit… hey, I don’t need to explain how I got roped in to you gals, you know! Still one day at a time, but the reality is: I don’t want to be with this monster (he would like being called that, he used to say he was a ‘vampire’), he referenced a lot of things that went right over my head; (his favorite song: grand illusion) oh man. ugh! yuck! wtf?? ps: Michelle whose post was 9/9/15 mentioned the name Anthony at the end of her post, would like to get in contact if possible . Thanks again Zari.

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