Narcissists & The Silent Treatment

Hello Zari,
I have been married for 13 years now and the problems with my wife started at the time when our first child was born, almost 7 years ago. At that time I believed that I had nice, mutual understanding marriage, but when our son was born she started blaming me that I am not a good father, yelling at me in the hospital as I turned the diaper up side down, criticizing me that I do not stand up at nights when child woke up (when few times I stood up she told me to go to bed as I only “disturb the child”) , calling me certain names, criticizing if I went to see my father and friends (“what kind of father are you”?) in another country for day or two, controlling almost every aspect of our life, changing the position of some things in the house later on criticizing me that I am stranger in my own house etc… I started having bad sleep, nervousness, strong heart beats etc.

Around that time she started also with her silent treatments, her endless criticizing whatever I do (“why did you purchase nutella for kids if I gave you a list what to buy?”, “Did you also for kids buy 500g of tooth paste if you already purchased 500g of “nutella”?), humiliating me and requesting apologize from me every time when I said something what was, according to her opinion, not acceptable.

One month ago we went all to visit my father who is 73 years old and who lives alone in another country. First thing she did when we entered his house at 01.30 am (night flight) was not to put together with me the kids in the bed, but to start cleaning around showing her clear unsatisfactory that the house of my father is “not clean enough” although he keeps hygiene in his house at the very decent level. At that moment I exploded as everything that happened before came to the surface. We spent there 5 days and for these 5 days she didn’t even go out of her room, refusing fully to communicate with outside world. You can image that ever since she has been giving me a silent treatment, she prepares the meals for her and kids, but not for me, she ignores me in every way clearly demanding apology from me as “reacted improperly”.

I think I am slowly losing my mind and afraid to get seriously sick. If we divorce there are big chances I won’t live with my children and they will be left with her problematic behavior. Even our son who is almost 7 now comments that “there is something evil in her brain”. By the way, she rejects going to psychological treatment.

What can I do?

Thank you.

CONTROL. Anyone who does the silent treatment is like the equivalent of a bumbling spy on Get Smart who brings down the cone of silence leaving you feeling like a blubbering mess, spying on them and their new secret assignment, the new partner.

These people think they are male and female James Bond types – licensed to thrill or licensed to emotionally kill. Upset their secret life as a spy who is already spying out their next victim – any anyone is a potential in these doozies immature minds, crack their secret codes, and their stupid games and secret language that makes no sense and you are up for an emotional bullet to the heart and head.

The silent treatment is their way of covering their immature ears as they only want to listen to the good stuff from the next assignment. Who wants an immature actor or actress playing with them. An immature actor or actress, who doesnt know they are only acting a part too. That their mission is to try and gain some self worth via someone who is not worth anything at all inside.

Don’t blame them. Hostages, heal thyself.

Hello zari,

I read your articles and i need your opinion about my boyfriend. I feel like my boyfriend always use passive aggressive behavior on me and he seems agreed that he is passive aggressive person and control peoplej. He likes to use silent treatment on me. For no reason. Its been one year and 3 months we have been together and he used to not text or call me like 3 days-5days. I thought he is fine and busy. So i accepted the way he is.

During November 2015 twe have got some issue which he was totally mad and he refused to talk to me 3 months. Within 3 months i saw he talked few girls and post a picture with another girl on social media. I almost gave up on him because i thought he left. So i used silence treatment for one year to focus on me and my career.

After 3 months i texted him that i hurt so much and i dont care whatever he did even though i love him so much. I told him that he treated me like a stranger. I never thought he will reply but he did after 3 months we didnt talk and he said “enough. Forget whatever happened. Im sorry for what ive done. I never treat u as stranger”. I asked him and asked him because i need exactly answer but he didnt text me back so i remain silence again for 2 weeks.

After that suddenly after two weeks, he asked me to meet him. I cant help it. I ignored him at first. But then he keep texted me and he keeps telling me that he had problems and he wanted to see me. So i met him. We had fun and we talked a lot. He lost his job. He said he has “time” now with me and he said he is sorry for leaving me within 3 months because he was so mad at me and he said he was so busy with his jobs but he asked me “it feels hurt am i right?”. He really wanted me to feel hurt! However, He seems like he stalked me because he knew what i was doing within 3 months.

After we met, he asked me to accompany him for job. He asked me to meet him again and again. He was getting closer with me. I thought he changed because he keeps texting me everyday and meet me everyday. After he got his new job, he asked me to come over to see his new job at new cafe. His bestfriend also work there and Every crew there thought im his gf and i love it.

But then, everything has changed. After he got his job, he only texted me once a week. We met only once a week. I asked his bestfriend am i doing something wrong? Is he has someone else? His bestfriend said “He doesnt have anyone else. If he wasnt comfortable with you, he will leave you long time ago and wont hang out with you. He just tired and you dont have to worry. I will watch him”

On march 2016 Where i found he keeps talking sweet with one beautiful girl on social media. I feel hurt i talked to him when we met during his off day how jealous i was and he said “she is my friend”. After that its getting worse. There is one time he doesnt want to meet me because he got things to do. I asked him to accompany me to go somewhere but he didnt reply.

I have disease right now where i have lumps in my breast and i talked to his bestfriend because on his bestfriend saw how sick i am. But his bestfriend told my boyfriend bout it. However, i dont see any care or worried from him. He seems ignored it. Its like “oh come on. She will not die tomorrow or now”. He doesnt care about me at all! And i saw again on his social media he posted a figure of a girl

I am so pissed off and i texted him with long text that he should leave me if he doesnt love me. I begged him to tell me and asked him to leave me if he doesnt want me. He just read it and no reply at all! I asked his bestfriend to be honest with me because i will go away if he has someone else. I told him that i saw a figure of a girl on his social media because he never put my picture on his social media. So why she got on his social media? What so special about her?

His bestfriend pissed off at me and said “why you always think negatively about him? I told you many times i will watch him and if he has someone else of course i will let you know but however, he doesnt have anyone else! That girl is his friend and my friend too. If you dont believe me, i will bring that girl to meet you. Can you please be chill? I told you i will watch him”
After that i remain silence for awhile. If there is important msg i need to ask them such as job interview, he will reply me. But just few text and then he will be silence. Until now its been 6 days. Tomorrow is his off day. Im not sure whether he wants to meet me or not.

Zari, is he really a narc?

I met a guy at a party once, he was 40years old and I was 22. We didn’t know our age, and he instantly fell in love with me. I was still seeing other people as a young individual, but soon felt the ever-lasting attention and love that he would show and make me feel. He would repeatedly tell me that he wanted to “take care of me”. He would show that he was a patient, caring, man in front of my family and friends. I felt that he was always trying to go beyond an approval and have them love him. And they did. After 7months of dating, he started to change. He started to choose me less, I was no longer his priority. The texts that used to come everyday to see how I was doing, became absent. I started to feel insecure and nervous around him. Thinking “what did I do wrong? why doesn’t he love me anymore?” I tried my hardest to gain back his attention, but he was more excited to go out drinking with his friends at a bar than be with me. He would go silent when he was mad at me or whenever i expressed that I was unhappy. He would either try to not talk about it or ignore me. It had to be on “his” terms to speak when he was upset, and as many times or test that I sent, he would continue to ignore me. I would cave in and apologize, just so that the anxiety of losing him would disappear. But at this point I was insecure and just simply sad. I was once a girl who would laugh and smile, but at the end of the relationship I became miserable. I had suicidal ideations and wanted to hurt myself. Anything was better than having to feel my heart pulsate with the stab wounds he caused on me. One night, when we attended a wedding for his friends, I was upset since he did not acknowledge me. He told me that I needed to fake a smile. I just couldn’t do it. The next day, rather than talking about it, he changed his seats for the flight and treated me as if I had some disease. He wanted nothing to do with me. I begged and cried for him to talk to me when he left me at the airport. He got more angry when he saw me cry, and told me that he didn’t care if I was crying. There would be a switch in him, where if he turned cold, he was heartless. That night I went home broken, and decided to block his number. A little over a week I got weak and unlocked him. Low and behold, I get a text from him. From that day on he subtly hinted he wanted to get back for two weeks. He started to be more direct in wanting to get me back after that. I was hesitant of seeing him and was upset with how much he had hurt me. He told me he wanted to change and that he was wrong, but that I was wrong too since I am too emotional. Wrong for being too emotional? This is where I realize he was never able to fully take responsibility of anything. I told him some harsh words out of spite and told him I didn’t want to see him. I got weak again and later texted him to see me, called him frantikly as I felt like I was having a panic attack. I felt like I had no control. He continued to ignore my texts and phone calls. The fact is, if it was done for him, he could have just simply texted me not to contact him and I would have done so. I realized that he is enjoying seeing me desperate and have not contacted him since. His friends have unfriended me, ones that I was fond of ( he had amazing friends) and that hurt me. To think about what he might have been saying and to make me look like I was crazy. I was crazy, but out of neglect and desperation. They probably think Im a crazy ex girlfriend, and that makes me cringe. But the fact is I can’t change him, Ive accepted this fact. I still do tend to blame myself on what I did wrong, and sometimes find myself waiting for him to reach out to me. This is when I remind myself how unhappy I was with him. The names that he called me… I just don’t ever want anyone to make me feel the way he made me feel; worthless. I am struggling and taking it day by day. I feel like he mentally neglected me and I feel broken. Im just trying to get through the day.

wow this is really insightful and they usually always play victim when you ignore them back and not contact them when they pull away. They best is to fight silence with silence if it’s a repeated vindictive behavior.

Hello, My story is a little different since we’re both women. I met this woman a year ago, we’ve been dating since June last year and she’s a few years older and a single mom, everything was going fine, hot sexually but normal pace day to day cos she has to spend time with the kid and full time job which I don’t mind. We’ve said i love you and all that, we’re both very busy but we were able to see every now and again and i met the kid and we clicked instantly. The problem started in December, i began to see sides of her i didn’t like. So many bad behavior, not directly but she became withdrawn during the holidays, the messages and calls stopped when i reached out she responded well sometimes, other times cold and mean but she used to reach out more. I got used to reaching out for the time being i felt it wasmy turn since we’re both women and feminine (sorry to use a stereotype). Anyways i kept it going through out December and in January i stopped after she became extremely cold . So i pulled back, mind you we’re both in the closet and we have problem being vulnerable. We just didn’t know how to be vulnerable all the time, just sometimes. But in January she sent me a letter and apologized for her actions said she’s angry about so much in her past and her family life. She wanted me to forgive her and that she loved me and all that. I took a few days to respond, long story short i forgive her. But nothing changed, we barely talked, when we did she complained of rough times, she has a lot of family responsibilities. Her siblings moved in temporary and there was a lot of financial pressure from her family. In February i offered to be friends because i love this woman and her kid and i wanted them in my life but she insisted she wanted to be in a relationship that i can decide what i want. So i made a decision to be there for her but we barely talked. Once in February we made plans, I called her that day, but didn’t get any response and beingthe kind of person that values self respect i didn’t t initiate any angry message or anything. However,i didn’t hear from her for 12 days. She used our picture on whatsapp 12days later and phoned me a few days later when she didn’t get a reaction after that blow off and pic’s display. Sometimes i do nothing when I’m disrespected but i picked andwe spoke. She saw me few days later with her kid. Seeing her kid made me more understanding of her and we talked about my boundaries and how the silent treatment from both of us is killing our relationship. I told her i only get silent because she never wants to talk or do anything. Honestly, she looked depressed and had lost weight so it was hard to be mad. But things went back to normal, we communicated well for 3 weeks saw once, said i love you but no intimacy . We haven’t had sex since December which i don’t mind too much, she said she has no sex drive plus all the stress is making her loss interest in everything in her everyday life but insisted she wanted us together . I asked for us to be friends again because i was worried but we didn’t break up and idecided to be patient. During the next week she complained about being emotionally down and the weekend i tried to reach out she responded and i asked to do something and i haven’t heard a word in 2weeks. This is the second time she’s done this and i haven’t reached out either after thetext asking to hangout. I have been going out and doing my thing. I guess I felt i was being manipulated and her issues is not an excuse to berude by not simply saying she’s busy at the said time. i have been patient this is not an issue of pressure. We love eachother that I’m sure but rightnow I don’t know if i want to continue and not talking to eachother for 2weeks even during easter doesn’t really make me feel better. Do you think i should keep being there for her, i must admit I haven’t really been there all round, i have been tentative about it we are both independent women and we don’t let anyone know when we’re hurt so I’m respecting her boundaries, I wish she can respect mine. On the other hand I think she’s not ready but too selfish to let go. I’d like to be with her like before but honestly I’m falling out slowly. Do you think i should reach out before she does? I honestly think she’s depressed and I’d like her to get help but my best guy friend told me to not contact her and let her come back like she usually does but its coming across like I don’t care about her issues when I’m giving her space but it seems like too much space. I’m becoming really uncomfortable, my gut tells me she’s a narcissist and she knows exactly what she’s doing. But this one is hard to let go because she’s the only woman that havn’t pressured me to comeout and vice versa. We both love our space and privacy so i think it’s a good match except we might both need people that are more open with their feelings. Maybe if she was with someone more emotional they probably be more understanding and call her 247 to deal with her issues but i can’t, i know she won’t appreciate that. Plus I have my own issues i lost a close family member 6 months ago, she was my best friend so i can’t grief and really pay attention to gfs issues but i really try. I’m really confused, my gut tells me she’s a narcissist with control issues using the silent treatment as a weapon but my heart knows she’s going through something and my head wants to let go but i think she’s a good person, I’m just not sure about the love anymore but I just don’t know because whenever she comes around i feel emotionally down, she looks so sad and unhappy. Should i be doing more? Am i right to give her space because i was disrespected, are my standards too high or threshold for BS too low ? I’ve been nothing but kind and understanding she tells me things like she wouldn’t take the same if i was in her shoes. And thanked me for loving her and that she loves me. That was before she pulled the disappearing act for the second time in a year. Isn’t ‘t that narcissism 101. Deep down i feel I’m being playedhere. I mean I’m not chasing after her or acting needy at all perhaps that’s why it’s not working, not feeding her Ego enough? I don’t know anymoreI’m conflicted. On one hand i want to be there for her through this tough time, on the other hand I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I’ve been through dark times and I’ve never used it as an excuse to be a jerk to my people. I guess people can’t always treat us the way we treat them that’s why i set boundaries but my friend thinks I’m being too hard that i should continue to be there which doesn’t feel right considering gf is being hotand cold, using problems as an excuse to behave badly. Maybe she’s gone for good, I feel ok for not reaching out at all if she’s really gone but too chicken to accept friendship instead of behaving badly, I don’t know personally i end relationship when I’m overwhelmed and leave communication open for a reunion, i guess women are no better atcommunicating than men, I’m not perfect but in the last 4 months communication was a problem .Any thoughts?

Hiya

Thank you so much for this post… I’m currently going through a break up with my ‘N’ I have only recently learned about what a narcissist is and have been doing some research over the last few months . My partner (ex) seems to have traits!! He does the silent treatment regularly and has also done it last year for 12 weeks of living in the same house and just not talking to me at all! We have been together on and off for 12 years. First part of the relationship we had 2 children, he split up with me when they were very young and he moved on. I eventually tried to move on too but I missed him so much. He is the love of my life! We got back together after 3 years and have been bk together the past 4 years and have had two more babies. Oldest baby is 2 and the other 1. He has recently split up with me again as I confronted him about his weekly overnight trips to London, telling him I felt as if he were going there for girls or something!!! I had been digging at him the past few weeks he had been staying over night there as even though he and his friend were partying, I think they were also possibly up to no good . He got so angry when I bought it up again last week and told me he has had enough, he wants his space and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore … He was so so angry!!! Even told me he hated me. We are still living together as he is looking for a new place. But everyday is a struggle as when I try talking just about the kids or something . He completely dismisses and ignores me! I have been acting like I am just not bothered which is an absolute first, and I don’t know if this has wound him up even more? But today out of the blue he marched down stairs demanding I take off my engagement ring. We hadnt had any interaction at all, all day. He come and took it off my finger telling me I don’t need it anymore. It was so painful to hear those words n have him take it from me.. But I just said ‘it was a memory for me’ I then went on and said I know he has moved on, and I just want him to be happy, even if it is not wirh me. I also said I hope he can be civil with me for our kids sakes. He didn’t reply at all! But then went on to delete his Instagram pictures that I am in, after I said that?? I just don’t understand this behaviour. He acts so Cold that I actually think he can’t be serious. Because how can someone lack so much empathy. He doesn’t care how much he hurts me and had never once apologised. But your post explains things a lot… It’s just so hard to think that he will never change if he indeed does suffer from narcissism.. He has always loved partying, he loves being spontaneous which can be hard wirh 4 kids, (not for him) but he never looks at things from my point of view or puts himself in my shoes…. We have a holiday booked on the 7th April, just me and him, he has told me to cancel it! He is definitely moving out as his had many viewings. I’m just distraught that he could throw away almost 13 years. Because the good times have been great n I have so many memories. I am only 28 and I was 16 when we first got together . He is now 33. When we came bk together after the 3 year split he was so much better than he was before and did treat me better. But he just seems to have reverted back to that person he was back then. Although the silence thing has always been a regular thing with him…… Any words of advice would be really appreciated. And if u have any thoughts on his behaviour I’d love to hear it.