Narcissists and Sex: Why Anything Goes…

By Zari Ballard

narcissists-sex Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.

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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.

The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.

On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.

Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.

You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.

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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.

In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?

Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.

The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.

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149 Comments

Bee
February 28, 2015 at 9:46 pm Reply

Wow wow wow
I’ve been with a woman who has been doing the same exact crap for 2 yrs. I’m at a loss, I’m always to blame, I’m always called codependent, crazy, obsessed and the list goes on..This explains all the craziness, the uncertainty of life, instability, no plan is ever followed through, changed her mind 10 times about living together, is afraid of commitment. ..I’m so over this insanity…I deserve more..I’ve lost myself in this, I feel jaded, lonely, and less kind towards others. I have never been or felt this way…
Not even sure anyone else will respond to this but I need some help breaking off from this insanity
- Zari Ballard
  February 28, 2015 at 10:05 pm Reply
  
  Hi Bee,
  
  Thank you for writing and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s tough to break away because we become addicted to the very drama that we hate! But I’m here to tell you that it can be done…it just takes patience, perseverance, and the desire to be happy. Nothing about narcissists ever brings true happiness to anyone. Everything is faked and we get caught up in the “wanting to believe”. All our rationale just goes out the window – it’s amazing.
  
  I really do suggest that you read one or all of my books which are downloadable from Amazon. My new book, When Evil Is a Pretty Face, is all about the female narcissist and it should really help you get a handle on the whole thing. My first book, When Love Is a Lie, will also hit home with you even though it’s based on my experience with a narcissistic boyfriend for 13-years. That relationship is what I use as a foundation for writing all the articles on the website as well. THEN, if you really want to work on the aftermath, I have two other books as well – one that is a workbook for narcissist abuse recovery (Stop Spinning, Start Breathing) and another that is all about No Contact. Any one or all of the above will help you change your perspective so that you can focus on yourself and not on this person who is making you miserable with her nonsense.
  
  I wish you the best and feel free to write anytime. I’m here to support you!
  
  Zari xo
mike
February 27, 2015 at 2:15 pm Reply

actually was with a female covert stealth closet narcissist for over 20 years, had 4 children, had a few good times, usually after every one of our kids were born there was a year of normalcy, then after that, things would go down hill, all she did was play cruel mind games and cheat with any guy when given the chance, she was never committed to me, she is a pathological liar, she has no remorse, empathy, a conscience, she basically led a double life, she acts so different with other people, thinking back was a living hell, I never knew where I stood with her, I wanted to stay in the relationship for my children, she used that to heap all kinds of emotional abuse on me, I did not want to leave them with her, always felt like I was the bad one and everything was my fault, I loved her, she didn’t have any love for me, even now I have this attachment, so hard to break from it, want to go no contact, anyways I was discarded in 2014, 9 months after the relationship ended, I found myself helping with the kids at the house, my kids are an emotional mess, due to maybe me and there mom, my kids don’t really know how to deal with there mixed and damaged emotions, I feel so sad they have to go through this crap, im trying to heap love on them daily, because I know they don’t get it from there narcissistic mom, fact is I still have to deal with this sick mentally ill person who is the mother of my 4 children, realizing now she feeds off turmoil, she feeds off drama covertly, she feeds off reactions, kids, me other people, my oldest daughter moved out of the house, says she wants nothing to do with her mom, go figure, sure I played my part, I feel so bad, my daughter is now out on her own, the ex doesn’t even care it seems, she doesn’t show any emotions at all, to me now she seems soulless empty, like with me she lacks personality, meanwhile to other people she is probably the greatest person in the world, what deception, after over 20 years with her, to me she is a monster, I know her better then anyone, she hates that I think, I know now I cant care what she does, going to try and have minimal contact, considering she doesn’t care what I do now, maybe that’s a good thing, but its very tough to let go, because I will always love her, sadly she doesn’t care at all about me, never knew about narcissism until October 2014, suddenly everything became clearer, she fit the description perfectly, knew it wasn’t me that was messed up, its going to take years to heal from this, even now my heart aches for what was what could of been, miss my kids all the time, was a harsh wake call, the ex doesn’t even know how messed up she is. don’t think she ever will
Irene
February 21, 2015 at 1:33 pm Reply

Two years after ending an abusive marriage, I felt I was ready to move on and joined a dating website. I started chatting to and met up with a 50 year old divorced man who lived close to me. He was very charming and witty and the relationship soon became very sexual online and in real life. The sex was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my marriage, he was very controlling and demanding, but for some reason it excited me and I began to crave it. He told me early on that he did not believe in love, and that he had never been in love. I guess I saw this as a challenge. His behaviour at times seemed almost that of a teenage boy, very selfish, yet strangely vulnerable. I would ask him if he wanted to come over for the evening, and he would reply, that only if I “begged” him. His relationship with his mother was very fractured, and he seemed to feel deep emotional pain on the rare occasions he spoke of her. Yet he genuinly did not seem to comprehend how his words and actions could hurt or offend me. He would never apologize, but rather make it seem as if I was the one who was too sensitive. Any retaliation on my part would cause an outburst of accusation, and I would be told that all I did was judge him and say mean things to him. Would totally disregard all the nice things I had ever said about him. He seemed to take for granted that I would be there for him, although he never seemed to be there for me when I needed him. When I finally ended the relationship and walked away, he did try to reel me in again with sex, and it was extremely hard to say no. I cared about him and still do, and feel a great sadness for this man who will never feel love ir empathy, and will always be living with his demons. But my advice to all the partners of narcissists is, walk away, for the sake of your own mental health, because they will destroy you. You cannot help them. You do not need to stop caring about them, but do it at a great distance, and on your terms, and with very limited or no contact.
- Zari Ballard
  March 8, 2015 at 12:30 am Reply
  
  Hi Irene,
  
  Please forgive me for not responding sooner. Your story sounds so much like mine it’s ridiculous. If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie (downloadable from Amazon) because you will honestly think it’s your story. The only thing I disagree with you with is that we DO need to stop caring about them at all costs because if we don’t we will constantly be getting sucked into the game. The narcissist doesn’t care about us and, frankly, I don’t feel sorry for them because when all is said and done, they still have choices when it comes to how they treat the people that care for them and stand by them. But they consciously make the wrong ones and will hurt us continuously as a result.
  
  I wish you well and hope that you find your happiness. Stay strong!
  
  Zari xo
Angel Bec
February 19, 2015 at 10:43 pm Reply

the best sex ever … the worst situation ever … I refuse to call it a relationship – the word denotes respect … we had none of that …

However after doing a ton of research on this subject I finally realized how to break the hold … “NO CONTACT”

I refuse to answer any of his texts, his phone calls, etc… no contact whatsoever … He is absolutely coming out of his skin.

However I refuse to listen to him. He is incapable of telling the truth … he is incapable of having a relationship … he is a train wreck and I want my life back.

Even after telling him it was over and that he had NO SOUL … he texted me “Happy Valentine’s Day xoxoxo”

This was AFTER he told me that I was nothing but a friend with benefits …

WHO DOES THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR …

so no more contact … I will go on with my life … I will live and love again and life does go on …

and my ultimate revenge will be not to engage with him on ANY LEVEL …

and that is truly killing him ….
- Zari Ballard
  March 5, 2015 at 8:15 am Reply
  
  Angel Bec wrote…so no more contact … I will go on with my life … I will live and love again and life does go on …
  and my ultimate revenge will be not to engage with him on ANY LEVEL … Right on – this is the way to do it!
  
  Dear Angel Bec,
  
  Thank you for sharing. I apologize it has taken me so long to get to your posts. I am trying hard to catch up! Looks as if you and I enjoyed the best sex ever with our narcissists but it sure didn’t come without a price, did it? If you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie because I have a feeling you will relate to every single experience. It will empower you to stay the course although you sound plenty confident as it is – good for you and keep the momentum going. Truth is on your side now that you know what he is and the true nature of his intention. You deserve to be happy in this life!
  
  Stay strong and please continue to write. Now that your first post has been moderated, all others that you write will show automatically:)
  
  Zari xo
Matthew
February 8, 2015 at 5:52 pm Reply

Today you helped me realize it is not all in my head, and that my instincts have been right all along. I have lost a lot of myself over the years. And I put a lot of blame on myself . I find myself hating myself for allowing it to happen. Why was my self-esteem so low that I could be so desperate to accept someone treating me this way? How did I become so vulnerable to this attack? Because that’s what it is… An attack. These people are predators, and master manipulators. Try to break free and they make you feel guilty for cutting them off. They know you are kind and decent–emotional and feeling…. Everything they are not! And they rely on that to have you keep them in your life. After a while you believe it’s all that you deserve and are not worthy of more. Forgiving myself may be harder than forgiving this person.

This line in particular gave me chills, and also made me hopeful that I am finally ready to return to the person I used to be before this psychological and emotional turmoil took over my life: “If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line.” Thank you. I will keep reading, keep becoming more informed, keep learning and healing from others like myself. I pray I am able to stay at the end of the line, and never walk it again.

What’s most telling about the psychological control of a narcissist is that despite knowing what you know, you may still miss them. I glorify the few good times or relive the heightened sexual encounters. The sexual control is deep. Beyond the physical connection was my own emotional connection that made it even stronger for me. But I was alone in that thinking. It was never about making me feel good . Ever. I hope I am someday able to recover from this and find someone who wants to make me physically and emotionally happy. I hope that someday I am able to believe I deserve that.
- Zari Ballard
  February 14, 2015 at 8:02 am Reply
  
  Hi Matthew,
  
  Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you’ve found your way to my website. Yes, the sexual control is deep and I know that so well. It was the glue that held me to the narcissist and he knew it and used it against me at every cost. But I’m living proof that you will survive my friend and you will recovery. I promise you that. Although it never seems like it at the time, the old adage time heals all wounds is very true. You must allow it to do it’s work however and that’s where we always mess up. Recovery never comes quick enough, right? But I’m telling you from the bottom of my heart that it will come. You will have peace and you will be happy again.
  
  It’s hard to wrap our heads around the fact that the physical and emotional connection that we held so dear meant nothing to our partner…nothing at all. We stay because we can’t quite believe that someone could actually feel that way after everything they say and do that seemed to present the opposite. It’s always a shock when the axe falls – even if we predicted in our heart that it would. It’s a very unique and complex situation that we need not allow ourselves to get into ever again. Life is way too short for pain, my friend. You have indeed reached the end of the line and from here on in, the world is yours. Do not ever look back and commit to staying the course.
  
  Stay strong and be happy! Write anytime that you need to. We are all in it together and here to support you:)
  
  Zari xo
Trish
February 7, 2015 at 4:21 pm Reply

Love your blog and your book. Will comment on amazon
- Zari Ballard
  February 8, 2015 at 12:24 am Reply
  
  Hi Trish,
  
  Thank you so much in advance for the review and it’s my privilege to help in any way that I can! Stay strong and remember that it’s YOUR life and YOUR happiness that counts:)
  
  Zari xo
Dolly
February 3, 2015 at 7:25 pm Reply

So very happy I found you!!!
- Zari Ballard
  February 7, 2015 at 5:51 am Reply
  
  Hi Dolly,
  
  I’m glad you found me too! Feel free to write anytime you feel the need….:)
  
  Zari xo

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