Narcissists, Sex, & the No-Preference World

Dear Zari: Wow, great article and also describes exactly what I went through and how I felt. The “no preference” is a very plausible explanation of that behavior. My narc and I also had off the chart sex and in fact, just like you, we had a real intense romp the very last night, before he walked out of my life. I too wrote a poem Zari when I was really deeply depressed and profoundly sad, I called it Memories, I made the poem all about the things and places we had been and done together, it was straight from my heart, I too sent it too him thinking it would make a difference, of course that was before I fully realized what the heck had happened to me, that I had been shattered, my heart raped and my soul annihilated by a narcissist. Of course, he never responded to it. When I asked him if he received it, he said it was beautifully written and left it at that. My head was still spinning widely at that point. I also have another theory on the great, mind-blowing sex phenomenon and that is I feel that the narc is actually making love to themselves, you are just a vehicle, a body for them, they are so in love with themselves, they highly craft themselves on this skill as another means to hook you in, I don’t know if that makes any sense. I’m doing so much better and I feel stronger and healthier everyday, it’s people like you and blogs like this one that are sooooo helpful because no one really understands unless they experience it and I don’t wish the experience on anyone. Thank you Zari. I wish everyone on this blog peace and healing.
Cheryl

My ex narc always referred to himself as a trysexual…he would try anything. I have seen the things he slept with, that’s the best way to describe them. The last one…the one that made him my ex, OMG I never thought of myself as beautiful, this one is the worst…no teeth, bleach blond hair, about 6ft tall and out weighs me by at least 100 lbs…he told me she was a whore, and she will do what ever he tells her to do…that ended it for me

This article was very interesting and I can relate to a lot of it. When I was dating my ex he was sharing with 3 guys initially when he started university. Once when I was staying there my ex was showering (he had OCD and took over an hour to shower etc) one of his flat mates told me they thought he was gay until they met me! I was embarrassed and thought it was because of how long he took to shower. He used to have pictures of near naked kickboxing men on his walls and he used to always turn and look at men in the street vocally admiring their bodies. I just thought this was his body building obsession. When we married he made me cut my hair short then he nearly always made me lie face down to have sex (vaginally). He hurt me a lot and never seemed to care in fact he got annoyed if I told him it hurt me. When I was pregnant he was cheating on me coming home at 10, 11 or 12pm after work. When I confronted him he called me paranoid and said he was working. His bosses wife told me he wasn’t at work when I said to her you’re working him too hard. He refused to move out to his brothers house 5mins down the rd. H kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant and locked me up for over an hr. He tried to have anal sex and I had to hit him to get him off me. One night I was tired and asleep by 8pm. He came to bed and got angry because I had made the bed with the sheets not high enough to cover his neck. He undid the sheets and flicked me onto the floor and sneered at me and demanded I remake the bed with the sheets high enough to cover his. I ended up having to leave my dog and cat behind and took my 8mth old daughter to live at my parents. That ended a nightmare as my mother very cold and nasty. My ex despised her. Later after divorcing him I stopped contact with my parents and my ex and his 3rd wife started having my parents over at their place. This was just to look good. My daughter told me the wife’s sister and mother rolled their eyes when my mother sang happy birthday loudly at my daughters birthday. My daughter said “I don’t know why they ask her over they don’t like your mum”! I knew it was to be able to say my ex is estranged from her parents but we see them. Just so they look wonderful. He despised my mother and used to deliberately come home late to miss seeing them when we were married.

All of these articles are really helping me lately. My ex moved on so fast. And I know comparing to the new partner is never good, even in normal breakups. But with a narcissist, who’s already confused the fuck out of you, broken you down over time, it’s especially baffling and gut wrenching when they move on. And move on fast. I thought his new girl was similar to me style wise and had sort of similar facial features, but then overall she had some differences or things about her and in general that he’d never seem to go for or contradicted what he described as preferring. But then I still thought “maybe she’s more like me than I thought though. Maybe she is his type”. But then I remembered the above. And every single one of his past girlfriends have been very different. Have had different interests. Different looks/styles. Backgrounds. Body types. He always described to me his ideal body type being a fatter ass and smaller boobs. And how I was perfect. Mmhmmm….

Well I have an example of absolutely no preference and just wanting to have someone for his own benefit, convenience, and pleasure too. This happened when he once slipped during what was I guess supposed to be a compliment. He used this example to emphasize I suppose that I was definitely his type (even though clearly narcs don’t necessarily have one) where he described being in a relationship with a woman who he wasn’t even attracted to. He said she physically was not attractive to him. Her boobs were too large and she had a flat ass. He told me how when they had sex, he’d focus on other things. Like one time an episode of family guy was on and he even told me what episode it was and how he paid attention to that! WOW. No normal person would be with someone that they weren’t interested in or totally attracted to. But narcissistic people don’t care! They’ll go along with and into anything (and anyone) if it benefits them. Sick.

I look back to the couple love letters he got while with me from long distance people. When I looked these people up, they also weren’t anything like what I’d imagine him with. Well, if I reflect, that’s because he didn’t care! These people were flirting with or emotionally giving him something for his ego and likewise. These women so fondly spoke of him. That “see we were meant to be!”. They adored him and appreciated him and were so happy he felt the same ways, mentioned how they texted and skyped every day and smiled each time their phone lit up with his name, and one went on about how she’d fly across the country for him if he ever needed anything and she knew he’d do the same for her. He had to be speaking in certain ways to these women for them to even feel THAT compelled to pour their guts out. And it’s gross he didn’t actually mean it! These people lived far away. These women probably didn’t even know he was in a relationship with me or that I existed either.

When I found the one love letter to him months after it was written, I enjoy now after the fact how one of his justifications or odd comments was also, “I’m so unhappy, but talking to these women means nothing! I’m staying with you and I’m with you! even though I’m unhappy. I’m really trying here! doesn’t that say a lot?!” Hmmm. Yeah it says you’re selfish, creepy, shady among other things.

Boy does this hit the nail on the head, yet again! A lot of times, survivors spend too much time blaming themselves for the narcissist’s cheating…wondering, “why am I not good enough?” Well, you ARE good enough for the RIGHT person! All of this nonsense only has to do with the narcissist’s disordered thinking, not you at all. You could give the narcissist someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model, is as brilliant as Marie Curie and as rich as Oprah Winfrey…and the narcissist would STILL eventually get bored with her and cheat on her with anyone else who came along, just for the thrill of something shiny and new. Shoot, I really think a narcissist would cheat on my beautiful, brilliant and rich example with someone ugly, stupid and poor, if the opportunity arose.

Narcissists are hollow deep down inside, with an inability to ever form deeper emotional attachments. So they’re constantly seeking something “new” to try to fill that void inside them. So they’re open to anyone and everyone, without any real “preference”–they have to cast a wide net to constantly have something new. I’m willing to bet the next target was someone my exact opposite–or perhaps even another man (from what I saw and heard from him, I sometimes had a niggling doubt about his sexual orientation and wouldn’t even be surprised if he were ever with another guy. Not necessarily from being attracted to them as a gay man would be, but just for the novelty and switching things up from women).

I’m so thankful to be done with that nonsense, and now married to a good man who leaves me with no doubt as to his devotion to me. A true partner goes out of his way to show loyalty, not cause you to question it. These cretins don’t operate like “normal” people, so stop applying “normal” standards of behavior to them. These creatures may have been in your past, but don’t have to be in your future.

Many thanks for your response and refund that is greatly appreciated. I think your absolutely right I think the problem potentially was my end. Profuse apologies for the curt tone I was just frustrated with the communication channels not being viable and was very keen to finally get to speak with you directly. Our email contact has been invaluable and helped immensely on this long and relentless journey.

Zari. I have send you numerous emails about our consultation slot and have paid in advance. As the communication channels you offer appear to be not viable I would appreciate you refund my fee ASAP.