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No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment

no-contactThe difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome – and no one knows this better than a narcissistic partner.

About four years ago, out of the clear blue and smack dab in the middle of my narcissistic relationship nightmare, I got real strong and went No Contact on my ex before he had a chance to go silent on me. It was highly unusual behavior on my part and a shocker to both of us since it was he who typically called the communication shots. And I held on tight for quite a few weeks until his incessant pounding on my apartment door caused me to open it, letting the evil in once again for another round.

As some point before I gave in, I had even scribbled No Contact on the dry erase board that hung on the wall behind my desk as a reminder/affirmation, I suppose, of what I was supposed to be doing. And, for whatever reason, after I let the demon back in, I neglected to erase the reminder, deliberately and perhaps purposely opening myself up to ridicule and arguments as to my intention. For several weeks, there I sat and there he sat and there sat those words – No Contact – looming on the wall behind me like the elephant in the room and neither of us said a word.

Then, one day, I happened to turn around to write a date on the board and noticed that the N had made a change – albeit when I wasn’t looking – to my scribbled affirmation. With a black marker, he had drawn an angled line through the word No in No Contact and written Mo above it so that it now read Mo Contact (as in slang for MORE Contact, of course).  I have to admit, I thought it was pretty funny then and I think it’s pretty funny even now. I left that “correction” up on that dry erase board for months after and, again, it loomed behind me and we never said a word.

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How can the narcissist take No Contact seriously if his victim doesn’t? He can’t. To a narcissist, there’s absolutely no difference between a silent treatment and a little dose of no contact and, hell, he knows all about the dynamics of a silent treatment. Specifically, he knows that a silent treatment doesn’t last forever and, therefore, the same rule must apply to the No Contact Rule. This is how he thinks when we don’t show him differently…when we don’t mean what we say and say what we mean.

zari-ballard-consultMost narcissist victims, even as painful as it is, do understand that implementing No Contact is and always will be the only effective means to gaining back our sanity.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about it and trying to create new and better ways to maintain it so that we don’t do exactly what the narcissist thinks we’re going to do – give in. It’s all about the intention going in. When you make a decision to go No Contact, you have to first ask yourself “Am I going No Contact, or am I giving him the Silent Treatment?” because silent treatments, as we know, are temporary. A silent treatment – aside from being cruel and unusual and the narcissist’s favorite “punishment” – is intended to prove a point (oh… how well we know that!) or to teach a lesson or to buy time to be a cheating bastard or whatever. It’s nothing more than a dreadful narcissistic tactic intended to HURT.  The intention of No Contact should be nothing other than to END IT.  Sure, it would be nice if No Contact HURT the narcissist but this is doubtful. Narcissistic injury is not the same as the gut-wrenching feeling we get when we’re discarded. It’s not even close. Going NC actually gives us the last word – finally! NC, whether we know it or not, is the closure from the narcissist we’ve been looking for.

I was very guilty of this myself (as shown in my Mo Contact anecdote)…of not taking the No Contact Rule seriously…of not going into it with the appropriate intention. I’m certain that I went “no contact” more than once to get the narcissist’s attention. This is wrong. We can’t seriously implement No Contact yet still look at/allow texts, emails, Facebook contact, or continue to drive-by, etc. If the intention is really to END IT…to go No Contact…then all of that must stop. Numbers must be blocked or changed, emails deleted, Facebook accounts blocked or, better yet, deactivated. We can’t have it both ways.

The difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome.

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Now, I’m not saying any of this is easy because it certainly is not.  And I’m not saying that if you go No Contact and fall off the wagon that you can’t get up and instantly start over because you can (and you must). And I’m not saying that if you fall off the wagon, then your intention was disingenuous because that’s not necessarily true. I’d much rather that you intend to end it and mess up than go into the plan with the intention of playing the same old game with the narcissist – only in reverse. It’s a game we’ll never win.

Everything we do in life should be done with an intention. For anyone who believes (as I do) in Universal concepts such as the Law of Attraction, then you know what I’m talking about. The Universe knows your true intention and will give to you accordingly and the narcissist, believe it or not, is keenly aware of your true intentions as well. If you really want him to go away, go No Contact with the right intention and he eventually will [NOTE: the exception, of course, would be a co-parenting situation where complete NC is often impossible]. As long as we start with the right intention, even if mistakes are made, I believe we will eventually get what we really want (albeit not as quickly). When we enter NC with the intention for it to be temporary, the game continues, we remain the narcissist’s puppet, and time continues to be wasted.

It’s all up to you how you handle your suffering at the hands of the N and letting go of anything is never easy. It’s a complex situation that calls for us to be aware of our intentions (and boundaries) more than ever. Let’s be honest with ourselves and with each other no matter how hard or how painful it gets. And if we feel confused, there’s always someone on the team who understands. We are, after all, in this together.

Baby steps, everyone, and we can all hold hands.

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53 Comments

  • Megan

    May 27, 2015 at 2:40 pm Reply

    Thank you for clarifying this. I actually asked what the difference is in another comment on one of your articles. My intent is to get him the heck out of my life, not to have him chase me more with lazy texts about stupid random things. I finally got him out of my house and into his own, (since the man with 2 fulltime jobs wasn’t paying his bills and I became his mother Instead of his girlfriend.) Problem is he’s still hovering or hoovering because he still hasn’t moved all of his stuff out of my house or garage or the half projects he left. Ugh! I know I’m going to have to be the one to move his stuff for him, i shouldn’t, but I’m happy to just to get him out of my life. He still has copies to my car keys I had to break no contact for to ask back for. He gave me my house key back after he let himself in while I was in the shower just to “check on me.” Gave me some empty apology, I asked what he sorry for, he had no answer. Used crocodile tears and victimizing himself w how his kids don’t want to see him to play w my compassion, and that im hurting him the only way i can because im his only friend and I cut him off.. Kept pushing the friend card, told him i cant. Then asks if he can spend the night. Are you kidding me? Never even acknowledges how he hurt me when I told him when I decided I was done and the very real reasons (verbal abuse, stealing and lies; of course he accused me of finding someone else, please-so done w men,) then 2 days later, asks me if we could have a “break-up bangin.” Can’t wait till he’s gone. Been afraid to tell him that I’m completely done with him, I don’t mean to give him false hope of friendship but I’m afraid of his reaction. I dont care about the lies he wants to sread w our mutual friends, which he never cared to hang out w before and now that I’ve ended it, is all of the sudden their best friend. It’s amazing. He’s not even aware of his emotional insanity. Or maybe he isbut can’t be honest w himself. Definitely learned about boundaries and the wolf in sheep’s clothing from this one.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 11:42 pm Reply

      Hi Megan,

      Excellent – you found it! I answered your first post with links to this article and to my books. Good for you for finding it. I fairly certain you will have to be the one to end it and keep it ended. He’s not going to do it as long as you allow him the excuses to pop back in and out. Pack up his shit, send it somewhere else UPS or have someone deliver it to someone else who can give it to him. OR throw it all out. What we allow will continue.

      As for the friends, mine did the same thing. I write about it in my book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing. he hated my friends until we would break-up and then he would go hang out there. They all do the same things in the same twisted way. What reaction are you afraid of? He’s intimidating you intentionally but the truth is that his reaction will be nothing to be afraid of. Just do it. Change the locks and block his number and also block all other avenues of communication. Tell your mutual friends that you don’t want to talk about him any more and you don’t want any unsolicited updates. Better yet, cut all the ties that bind and lay low for awhile. If they are real friends, they will understand. Until you do all this, nothing will change and he will continue to waste precious minutes, months years from your life.

      Think about it….what we allow will continue. You can take very big steps toward ending this TODAY.

      Zari xo

    • Carrie

      June 14, 2015 at 2:24 pm Reply

      Can I succeed at no contact even if I’m not feeling entirely ready? I want him gone, yes, but if I am honest with myself, I am still psyching my heart out with [rididculous] fantasies that I’ve misunderstood him.

    • Tina

      July 31, 2015 at 6:11 pm Reply

      hi zari this is the best place ive found on this nc here 10days .. He went into a rage throu txt i blocked them apart from 7 here n there left me shaky .. He said think u just gonna ignore me the way you shitty things usually do sorry not gonna happen . With him 5 months he was here everyday n night apart from the 4 or so times i threw him out he switched after one month withholding intimacy etc started looking at other women in front of me something he never did at the beginning … Didnt know about the devalue stage .. Looking back now.. He told me i was standing at the end of the bed in the night … I Cleaning up the cupboard packs of rice n pasta later he pointed out rice on the floor he swept it aside next day more rice which he again pointed out i was like weird wheres that coming from .. I think i was gonna be in a lot of trouble … His still txt took it off block last night got a txt as reading this about something his doing today back on block now trying to remember the beautiful confident happy me … Cryed n cryed last night .. Talks about himself constantly all about him very controlling possesive i really want him to go away i got this weird feeling it thinks im his feel sick at the thought hasent knocked on my door yet he lives 6 ks away … I go to differdnt shops for food now etc his on other dating site .. Sounds horrible wouldnt wish this on anyone but i hope so much his attention goes elsewhere
      He would give me the dagger look eyes turned black n in small sharp looking scary i could go on … If i was ready for bed take me 30 mins to get there he would hold me down grab me like play fights i would play back .. Now that i look back that wasent playing on his part ..

  • Laura

    May 17, 2015 at 8:40 pm Reply

    Zari, I have purchased and read three of your books and am amazed at how parallel our experiences are with a narcissist. I had no idea until I started researching how many ladies are going or have gone through this. For three years I’ve been on the receiving end of lies, disappearing, him moving out, secrecy, and verbal abuse. He is a charming, tall, handsome and manipulative person. To those in the community, they see him as a great guy and great catch. No one would believe me if .i told them the gas lighting stories, the cheating that was all in my head, or the holidays I spent alone with my kids upset hand hurt because that was his time to disappear. Unless I apologized for doing nothing wrong, he would not contact me or come back. He left me again on April 9th, 2015 for expressing respectfully that I did not feel it was appropriate for his employee to be kissing him in the lips, running her fingers through his hair and calling him”my love” in front of me. I am a beautiful woman and have confidence, but did feel uneasy and threatened by this. He became enraged and told me I can’t see the good in people and that she is a very nice person that is friendly with everyone one. He further admonished me and told me it was my thinking that was wrong and that he needed to live in peace and not be worried about looking over his shoulder being accused of doing something wrong when he wasn’t. I explained I was not blaming or accusing him but found it highly inappropriate. He was furious and moved out. I went two weeks without no contact and broke it. I went to him to say that it wasn’t right for him to devalue, disrespect and discard me simply because I expressed my feelings. Again he became enraged saying he didn’t do anything wring and that I should be going to him to love in him and be a better person and kinder to people. I stormed off and called him an animal for his cruel behavior, he had called me a snob, saks fifth avenue bitch, and other hurtful things. Never has he ever chased after me, but he saw my resolve and came out to the driveway where I just let him know that I was in to him and that everything was a lie. How could he walk out on me and the my kids over some bartender simply because I respectfully and calmly expressed my feelings. I never blow up at him, but I did that night. He has moved out many times and I always went to him and apologized. This time I won’t and can’t because after reading your material, I know he is sick and does not care about me at all. It’s been 10 days of no contact and I am a mess. I cannot believe how he has treated me and how much I put up with for so long believing he loved me, the proposal, the wedding ring…. Everything just a lie. I feel like I have lost my self, my worth and have physically suffered as a result if his abuse. And to top this, I feel sick he is just moving on with his life with no regard at all for the pain and suffering he has caused me. Not one apology, no regrets, remorse or empathy whatsoever. I refuse to go back to him but have no idea how to get past how I allowed this cat and mouse game and treatment to take place for three years. I blame myself as I kept chasing him and apologizing and doing everything I could to please him and meet his needs at my expense when the bastard could have cared less if I was dead or alive. I feel like an empty shell of a woman and everything in my life has suffered as a result if it. I need help as this is no way to live. I feel like I lost something I valued that honestly didn’t ever feel a thing toward me but out in quite a performance to make me believe he was the best thing for me if only I would be better or nicer.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2015 at 8:16 pm Reply

      Laura wrote...Unless I apologized for doing nothing wrong, he would not contact me or come back. He left me again on April 9th, 2015 for expressing respectfully that I did not feel it was appropriate for his employee to be kissing him in the lips, running her fingers through his hair and calling him”my love” in front of me. I am a beautiful woman and have confidence, but did feel uneasy and threatened by this. He became enraged and told me I can’t see the good in people and that she is a very nice person that is friendly with everyone one.

      Hi Laura,

      I am so sorry that you are going through all this but believe me, we’ve all been there. It’s so hard to fathom that someone could simply erase his entire family from his life and memory and move on without us but they can and they will. Understand, though, that any life he begins with someone else will inevitably end the exact same way. A narcissist never changes. And also understand that a narcissist only returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused. Keep that in mind no matter what he says. This guy is a shallow, empty person and YOU are not and never have been the problem. Of that, you can be sure.

      Please, if you haven’t already, I do hope that you’ll read my book When Love Is a Lie (Amazon) Its a cheap and easy read and in it I share the details of my 13-year relationship and all of the crazy-making behaviors involved. Either that one or any of my other books will empower you to see the situation from a slightly different but much clearer angle. You CAN feel better once you realize what he is doing and that he was always like this from day one. Nothing you could have done would have changed it. All you can do now is committ to not wasting another minute of your life on this loveless soul. He doesn’t deserve you and you deserve to be happy.

      Since you have kids, I know it’s more difficult but showing DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE is key to your survival. Don’t feed into his game. Know that his life will always be an empty vessel with nothing to fill it and that he is unfixable. You, on the other hand, are very fixable and it’s time to get started on your recovery.

      Keep reading and learning and do get the book if you can. I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Pamala

    May 14, 2015 at 1:50 pm Reply

    I am day two of my self-initiated No Contact and this is the END for me. August 2014 he threw me out of his house with my stuff in garbage bags and completely cut me out of his life. He said “please don’t ever contact me again”… and guess what I DIDN’T. I was getting over it, having a nice time with my friends etc. I could not imagine dating ever again and I still can’t. Low and behold… day after Thanksgivings he contacts me. Starts slow with emails and increases frequency and “hoovers me back in”. How he was wrong and he is getting counseling… blah blah. YES!! He did say he was wrong …which I heard they never do. But they do… when they are lying and hoovering. Anyway. The nice sweet “healed” guy mentioned getting married and everything. So… fast forward a few months. Talk of the future ceases. Slowly staying at each other places goes bye-bye. This is great for him. He contacts me mostly via text and I come running when he wants to do something. When i need him his has other obligations and cannot be at my “beck and call” all the time. That one actually made me LOL. When was he EVER at my beck and call. I think i was that comment that opened my eyes completely. So, I basically told him “see ya” via his favorite communication mode TEXTING. An hour later I get a text… “So can we meet tonight and talk”? I said, “I have other plans”. He came back with a final “YUP”. That was it… NC. Now I just have to be strong when the “hoovering” starts. I am hoping he noticed the change in my response to him and decides to disappear. That was he can say he dumped me. He’s in control and not me. I can live with that. 🙂

    • Zari Ballard

      May 18, 2015 at 5:51 pm Reply

      Pamala wrote…Now I just have to be strong when the “hoovering” starts. I am hoping he noticed the change in my response to him and decides to disappear. That was he can say he dumped me. He’s in control and not me. I can live with that. That’s right! When we allow him to feel whatever his warped minds wants to without it affecting us, that’s a gigantic step forward!!

      Hi Pamala,

      Okay, girl….block his ass so he can NOT send you those benign, meaningless texts that are intended to keep you in the queue. Block him so that he can’t contact you in any way like that. If he comes to the door, don’t answer. If he send a letter, send it back unopened. Enough is enough already. You must cut all the ties that bind. I know exactly what you went through….over and over and over. I do believe our days are numbered somehow and it is up to us how we choose to live them. It’s hard to give up on love but nothing will ever change. His bad is as good as it’s going to get…

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

  • Natalie

    April 25, 2015 at 3:05 am Reply

    Hi Zari. I came across your site today. It’s the best I have read on this subject. I am in the no contact mode. Your articles mirror exactly what my ex is like, and what’s refreshing is that you are totally inspiring, down to earth, and not afraid to swear. You tell it like it is. 🙂 no psycho babble. I salute you. Just reading your articles has made me feel so positive and with a ‘can do’ attitude. I was in a mess for four long hard years. Reading your articles about the lies, phome games etc..omg…that is totally him!! You have done brilliantly well in taking your journey and using it to inspire others. I have ordered you book. Thank you Zari. Natalie xx

    • Zari Ballard

      May 2, 2015 at 5:49 pm Reply

      Hi Natalie,

      Thank you for the kind words, sister:) When I was going through all of it and post-break-up, I never felt the psychobabble did me an iota of good. I just never cared about WHY he was what he was…all I knew is that he was an asshole, right here, right now and that he was making me insane. All the rest was crap – LOL! Stay No-Contact because it is the only way to recovery….nothing about ANY of what you went through or how he treated you was normal in any way.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • steph

    March 6, 2015 at 1:04 am Reply

    Hi. Trying to initiate n.c. i have Never been able to go more than a day or 2 because of panic, loneliness, anger etc. Always me incessantly texting while I am continually neglected. Is it likely that he will contact me after a while of n.c? He has never EVER made any effort in the past to take responsibility and Instigate coming back. Im wondering what to expect from him. I am almost 100 per cent sure that he wont ever contact me, and although i know its the only way i can survive this, that extra pain of knowing he truly doesnt give a dam about me is going to be a cause for even more anxiety if he doesnt ever contact me. I hope this makes sense!
    Steph

  • Ebbyone

    February 25, 2015 at 3:34 pm Reply

    I just read your Stop Spinning book last night. I didn’t have to do the journaling because I have journaled every day for 2 1/2 years. First of all let me say you are SO RIGHT on in so many of the things that I’ve experienced but I have a question or two or 10! I was married when my N (also married co-worker) swooped in from out of no where. I’m talking NO WHERE. I was flattered by the attention, but told him I wasn’t interested. He refused to take no for an answer and was increasingly charming, flattering, etc. You know the game. I told him everything bad about my past as a way to deter him. He didn’t care…nothing mattered but him wanting us to take a chance. Not realizing I was a FLAMING co-dependent anyway (I’ve since discovered this), I eventually took him up on his offer of “getting to know each other better”. He soon promised me he’d leave his wife for me..we were soul mates, blah blah blah.. Until we got caught by his wife and then he changed his tune–but only for a couple of days and then he was back at me again wanting to work things out. At first I resisted and said absolutely no way,but long story short, I ended up seeing him again and left my marriage because of him. That was in 2012 and up until August of 2014 my N and I were having an affair. I don’t know if it makes a difference but an affair with an N was NOTHING but an effing roller coaster. I was miserable most of the time. I became increasingly frustrated with his gas lighting and future faking, he didn’t really want me going out, so I stopped just so not to cause a problem but then I got even more resentful because most of the time I spent alone because he couldn’t be with me! He used the stories I told him about my past against me over and over as a metric for his fears of what might happen (i.e. I would cheat on him). I assured him over and over that this wouldn’t happen, but he took issue at times with clothes I wore (when not with him), things I would say or do that were basically quite innocent and kept insisting had I not told him stuff about my past, we wouldn’t have any of these issues. He never actually wavered in his telling me he was in love and wanted to be with me, he didn’t break up for weeks on end or give me the silent treatment (well he would go the weekend without a text now and then, but usually reached out). Even after repeated break ups (mostly on my part) he kept praising himself saying I was the one running but he was steadfast in his feelings. One break up in particular when I told him that I was 100% done, he told me he told his wife he loved me and he was leaving FOR SURE on 6/1. After he had me back (we are talking 2 days later), he confessed he didn’t ACTUALLY tell her that and maybe he had over-shot the date a little bit because truly…where would he go? He said he didn’t lie to me, he just told me something that wasn’t true. Alrighty then!! Seems like a lie, but not in his world.

    I finally had enough over Labor Day 2014 and broke things off for good. He was devastated, tried talking me into reconciliation and I refused. I got myself into counseling and have a great network of friends…all who thought he was a complete and utter asshole and were so happy I broke things off. Well going NC is SUPER hard because we work together. He has access to me via email and chat. I would block him on my cell, but heck, I would start missing him and then unblock him. He invariably would end up texting me (because he kept checking to see if he was still blocked) and sometimes I would just ignore him..say if I was in the middle of talking to another guy or considering going on a date with someone else, but if I was alone and in a weak moment, I would respond. He told me at one point he left his wife and wondered if I would give him another chance. I did think about it, actually made an emergency visit to see my counselor who showed me that was probably a very bad idea so I told him no. He stated he had left for 30 days but I have no idea if that was even close to being the truth. He claims he had to move on and when I wouldn’t get back with him, he decided to return home because he was having trouble with his son. We basically went MOSTLY NC up until mid-January 2015. I was doing my own thing..we were like two ships passing at work, but it was stressful. Not to mention he can see when I’m in via the chat screen and vice versa. It’s like he’s just always THERE, you know?

    I had another weak moment before Christmas and texted him a video of a song I loved. Its like as soon as I did that, the flood gates opened and he acted as if no time had passed and we were ‘back on’. Within a week of me doing that, he was asking for a friends with benefit arrangement because his life was “complicated” and he just couldn’t leave his family…YET but he sure wanted to hook up in the worst way. I got pissed and ended up blocking him yet again.

    I had decided in early January that my attempt at dating post-N wasn’t working…(Wish I would have read your book when I broke things off..what you said about dating was exactly what happened with me) and that I needed to get myself OVER him completely and work on myself before putting myself back out there. I had decided I would join a dating site in March sometime. Well…I don’t know how or why, but he suddenly called me on my work phone and we chatted about things. I wasn’t all that nice, but it was good to talk to him. I realized I missed him and vice versa. The next day — for some bizarre reason, I took him home to see the new condo I had purchased (had we stayed together I would have continued living in an apartment waiting for him to leave his marriage). We hooked up… the next week I went to meet him over night on a business trip. I told him I loved him, missed him, etc. I broke down in front of him because I missed the GOOD stuff (relationship amnesia had set in)!

    After that he started talking about getting back together but we didn’t want to start the affair back up. I totally have doubts that we can work things out because of his NBP, but have been considering it. I told him we would not be hooking up until he left his marriage. He agreed! But since then on at least 5 occasions, he’s wanted to meet at my house to ‘talk’. I call BULLSHIT! I KNOW that if he’s within 5′ of me alone, he’s going to be all over me so I won’t allow it. I refuse to go back to that and I know that setting boundaries is the only way to deal with him. He says I deserve better and more and he respects me…but yet he keeps pushing me trying to get me to agree to meet. I won’t! I know I will feel so much better about myself if I don’t allow this to happen!

    Ok..this is going long,, so sorry! I KNOW he has most of the qualities of an N..except for the silent treatment. He doesn’t go away for weeks and just disappear. When he’s been caught by his wife (which has happened too many times to count–she knows he was having an affair), he has retreated and gone silent over night or for max 2 days, (he calls it self-preservation) but he snaps himself out of it and comes right back. My main question (and something HE has told me as well) is that if we were not in this affair, maybe he wouldn’t be giving me the silent treatment at all, maybe he wouldn’t be acting crazy jealous not knowing what I was up to if he was my boyfriend??? He said the added stress of him sneaking around and trying to make me happy and keep his life intact at home .. just until his youngest graduates which is in May, was what most of our issues were. Well, I have more issues with him obviously because he was way too controlling and I’m not sure we can overcome that…but it’s like I WANT to give him the chance once he is free (if he EVER actually leaves for good) to see if we take away that part of the equation if we can actually work. I know I’m probably just being stupidly hopeful, but he doesn’t have another supply, he has not abandoned me at ANY point. He had never cheated before he started with me and he’s not staying for his wife..he’s staying for his kid. I DO feel like I love him, but I also am so very wary and cautious. I am also wiser to how he operates now and have started calling him to the carpet on some of his bull. I am in CoDa and have been reading a lot about breaking co-dependency and working on my boundaries. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been much more assertive with him and I’ve certainly felt better about it and he’s accepted things (but I also know he’s in the acquiring stage still, so I can do much more than when we are in stage 2).

    Another question would be, if I see that there is just no way we are going to work out HOW DO I GO TOTAL NC when we work together? Getting another job is not an option. He’s gotten a different position and travels a good deal, so he’s away almost every week. That makes it easier, but what tips do you have for this type of situation?

    Thank you for reading and hopefully responding! I probably should have stayed off the roller coaster for good and just worked through my pain and loneliness. 🙁

    • Zari Ballard

      February 27, 2015 at 2:07 am Reply

      Dear Ebbyone,

      Thank you for sharing your story and I’m grateful that you’ve found both my book and my website. I would recommend that you read my first book as well, When Love Is a Lie, because it goes into depth about my own experience, his behaviors, and our interaction in a more personal way (if that’s possible). I believe you will find it helpful.

      Now, silences can be many different things and that behavior alone, although it definitely belongs to narcissism, is used in many different ways and only if it serves the narcissist. Your situation is very much like a woman who I just finished a phone consult with. He is married as well and they spent all kinds of time together until he left her at a hotel and then just never called her again. With both of your narcissists, silent treatments are not really needed because the N has exactly what he wants (a girlfriend and a wife) and at least one of you knows about the other (and probably both). Narcissists use the silent treatment when they want to be with one but don’t want to lose the other…so they just disappear (which is really a break-up in disguise only they don’t tell you) and then reappear whenever it suits them. In your case, he doesn’t need to disappear to hide anything because you already know about the wife. Plus, he gets to travel and be away from both of you so that suits him as well, I’m sure. However, I have no doubt that his wife is subjected to silent treatments all of the time so, in essence, he does do them..just not to you. If the wife was out of the picture, believe me, you’d eventually start getting the silences as soon as he found another hook-up (and even if he didn’t, just as a way of control). Right now, giving you the silent treatment for longer periods of time won’t really do him any good but giving them to the wife sure does, it keeps her quiet while he’s with you and he doesn’t have to answer questions right away when he returns. Even though she has caught him, I’m sure that he does what he has to do and says what he has to say to make her think that they are still a couple and to get around it. I don’t believe for a minute that he EVER plans to leave her or that she’s expecting it. I’m sure he sleeps with her because that’s what narcissists do too to make each one connect to him so that he can control the situation better. If for no other reason, I would be okay with letting him go for the simple reason that he IS MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE’S CHEATING. If the wife was good with it, that might be a different story but that’s not the case. I have no doubt that she’s being put through the ringer. He is definitely getting his cake and eating it too and stringing two women along on a ride that is hardly worth it. One of the biggest problems that I see is that you believe what he says…if he says he has never cheated before, you believe him; if he tells you he is only staying until the kid graduates, you believe him. I’d be willing to bet that the wife doesn’t believe ANYTHING that he says. Narcissists are pathological liars and they can make you believe anything (which is why they are so good at juggling). So please think about that.

      Now, working together and going No Contact is hard but you did it once and you can do it again. Since he’s gone a good part of the time, that does help but the rest is going to be up to you. Avoid him like the plague and I would have to, at some point, start looking for another job even if I didn’t want to. You’re the only one that will have to handle the work situation because, for him, it’s just part of the game. It’s a very difficult situation and I admire that you could have done it all all working together. But it’s something that has to be. I would dump his ass and tell him to stay away until he is free and clear of his family obligations. You did it for him, why can’t he do it for you? What does his kid graduating have to do with it? As much as he complains about his life at home, he is obviously comfortable there and she does keep in interested in some way or he WOULD be gone. You have a right to push that IF you even want to bother. No matter how you look at it, this guy is NOT a good person. He’s a manipulator and he’s loving life in the best of both worlds. These assholes do NOT deserve to be so happy!!!

      Stay strong and let me know how you are doing!!!

      Zari xo

      • Ebbyone

        February 27, 2015 at 1:51 pm Reply

        Thank you SO much for your reply. I do have your other book but just haven’t had a chance to read it. Funny you say that about silent treatment. In a text last night he informed me he had not spoken to his wife since he left for the airport on Sunday. She was trying to break into his Itunes accounts and into his phone before he left and accused him of taking me with him on this business trip. I told him he could reach out to her and he said no way. In a way I stupidly think..well, he’s treating her this way because he loves ME and wants to be with ME but just can’t for a number of reasons (none of them really valid of course), but in my heart I know better and know one day that will be me he’s not speaking to for a week (or more).

        I was a bit confused about your statement about his wife not accepting the fact he’s cheating. She KNOWS for a fact he was…and now is suspicious again. I don’t believe he ever cheated on her before because he is incredibly BAD at hiding!! He’s been busted more times over stupid things than you’d ever imagine. His wife should work for the CIA too..her investigative skills are off the charts. He kept denying her accusations even though she found proof over and over. About the ONLY thing she didn’t see is us actually together. I guess when we were broken up she found emails between he and I that he kept that pretty much validated all her suspicions and she confronted him. He said that everything he had been denying for those 2+ years was confirmed and yet she STILL won’t leave him or file for divorce. I don’t get it!! He has his own bedroom…states he hasn’t slept with her for a couple of years, but I also have reason to believe that he took his family on a vacation in early January, so who knows for sure? From what he tells me his home life is hell…but yet he stays and so does she..so I’m not sure why. He gave me what I would call the “Cycle of Excuses” of why he couldn’t leave depending on which day it was. I would hear it was because of his kids, his wife’s refusal to work with him on splitting, MY not being committed enough for him to pull the trigger, finances, etc.
        He has an astounding number of double standards and even went so far as to accuse his wife of having an affair (like what Wayne used to do when he was guilty).

        Yesterday, just for kicks, I went back through my journal from 2013 and in a 3 month period he future faked 30 times!!! THIRTY!! I was sickened. Even simple things like making lunch plans the day before and then cancelling the next because he was moody or something. UGH. He bought me diamond stud earrings last summer stating he couldn’t give me a ring due to our circumstances, but these would do because he loved me so much and wanted me to know that. When I broke things off he told me to give him the earrings back, which I did. I thought that was pretty ignorant. He has since reminded me he still has the earrings and hopes to give them to me one day. I call that carrot dangling! (or in this case carat dangling..lol) 😀

        I see signs he’s again starting to future fake, and even asked me twice this week if I would accompany him on his next business trip. EVEN THOUGH HIS WIFE ACCUSED HIM OF THAT VERY BEHAVIOR. I told him no. I realized that in 2 1/2 years I proved myself to him over and over. Granted I did break up or try to quite a few times because I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and control, not to mention the very nature of our relationship was WRONG, but HE is the one who needs to step up and prove himself to me. Actions truly DO speak louder than words and I’m sick of hearing him yammering with no results. I know he wants to talk to me before he makes his decision to leave (lets all LOL here). His talks are usually all about what I have done in my past that he doesn’t approve of. Honest to God, one “talk” about OUR problems consisted of him going through a laundry list of men I have slept with (that he knew about–long before he and I met). WTF??? I had other more important things to discuss and we got absolutely nowhere in that conversation.

        I’m with you though..IF I want to give him a chance (which I am now once again SERIOUSLY reconsidering) he has to leave his situation. I’m not playing his game again and maybe when he hears me repeat myself for the 20 or 30th time, he’ll finally get it. Even though he told me I have made it perfectly clear to him what he needs to do, he keeps trying to see if I’ll buckle.

        Thank you again for your great insight!

  • J

    February 12, 2015 at 2:39 pm Reply

    Hi there,

    First of all I want to say how much your articles are helping me right now. I find myself reading them everyday and they contribute to any little bit of daily sanity I have right now.

    I started dating my N three long years ago. He was with someone else at the time that I had no knowledge of. He swept me off my feet. I never felt before the way I felt with him. He is also 17 years older than me, but for us, it worked. The first year was half bliss and half hell. I would be lying to stay my instincts did not tell me early on something was off. However, I chose to believe the good things. When he was thoughtful, he was THE MOST thoughtful man I had ever met. The highs were amazing. At the time I was a virgin. It took me a while but I finally slept with him. He knew it was my first time. Maybe I did it for the wrong reasons because I thought he may change and make the relationship real after we started a sexual relationship. To my utter heartbreak, after just a few short weeks of me losing my virginity to him (I was 22), he disappeared and I found out that the other girl he was with, who he claimed he wasn’t, had finally walked out on him for good and he was crying and begging for her back. I was in shock. I could not believe that after everything he was choosing her, or so it seemed. I truly believed at this time he thought he was in love with her. Little did I know, it was a simply a blow to his ego.
    I was a devastated mess. I can hardly think back to those times. It was torture. However, I went into NC. I held my head up as high as I could and bit by bit I got a little bit stronger. My mind was tortured, though.
    For three months, he made no contact. I had changed my number. He knew this but did not know my number. After three months, I finally went on a date with a really amazing man. I was finally feeling confident again. Not fully healed, but better.
    Out of the blue, he got my number from a mutual friend (she was unaware of the situation), and he texted and called. He explained that in the three months he had completely changed himself. He was in therapy. He knew his problem. He knew he was living in his ego. He had reevaluated what he truly wanted. He was working hard on himself. He was 100% single and he wanted to show me that he would never hurt me again. He wanted a committed relationship with me. I knew during our year dating that he was really afraid of commitment. However, I was totally unaware of how deep rooted his CP was. He said everything I had ever dreamed he would say at that time. After a little bit of time, I fell back into things with him. It was amazing. He was so open and considerate. I felt so important to him. It felt like a fresh start. His therapist said he was ready for me. I am still a little confused as to whether his intentions here were pure. All the articles I am reading on narcissism lead me to believe that he was not. However, I truly believe this man has acknowledged his problem and at that time he was pushing to work through it.
    Regardless, after a few months, I sensed a shift. He was a little more distant. The relationship did not seem as public. He was still very much there, I just felt a shift internally. I should have listened to my instincts. Only about 7 short months after we reignited things, he broke down and drifted away again. Now, it was clear to me he was struggling but I could not, for the life of me, understand why he walked away. It was horrible…again.
    After two months, I got a text. He began calling. My anxiety leveled. He wanted me back. Or so I thought.
    Somehow out of no where I was informed he had been dating someone else. I got this information the day of the first time we would see eachother again after our break up. As if the universe had to alert me. I could not understand this. How could he possibly move on so quickly? Who was she? Was she better than me? I let him come over that night anyway so that I could get my answers.
    He professed his love for me. He said it all. We had sex.
    He did not end things with her. For four months he cheated on her with me until he finally ended things with her. Two months before he did I decided I was done. I left without a word. I did not pick up the phone. I did not answer anything. He tried to reach me through friends. I stayed strong. Oh but he found me. He found me in November at a public gathering. We ended up talking all night. He expressed his love again even saying “let’s just get married ” a few times. I swear to you the very next day, I KNEW there was a shift. How could I do this again? We talked and he said everything would be fine. I need to just “let things happen” “no pressure”.
    I tried to do this. For months. I had anxiety everyday waiting for his call. His text. His anything. He seemed to be fine going about his life day to day with me in the background. It is like he decided he would only see me once a week. We argued. We made up. He felt pressure. It was my fault. On and on.
    In January, after we had just made up from a week apart, he had to go away for business for a month to a very lonely place in Africa. For that month, i received multiple texts per day and skype calls daily. He called me his girlfriend to his business partner everyday and i felt secure again. When he came back, the distance was there again. Two weeks ago was our reunion after his trip. We met up, had a night together, talked the whole week after. Then poof, by the weekend he was gone. I felt that dreaded shift again. So i made a promise to myself. I said I would wait until he contacted me the next time. I thought it may be a day. It has been about two weeks. Nothing happened for him to go silent. I have been struggling with it everyday. About a week ago, about a week into his silence, I decided this would be the start of my NC since really I started NC out of the blue for him as well. I have been strong but I am in pain. I fear my intentions are not 100% good. There is a part of me that wants him to contact me again but I know the same thing will happen again. I keep reading to build my strength and it is happening but how do I change my intention? How do I make myself NOT want him to call? I know I need to work on myself. I know I need to build myself up again. My mind keeps going from being convinced I am on the right path to wondering if I am convincing myself there were all of these signs of narcissism when maybe there weren’t and I am just trying to make myself feel better about the whole situation and place blame. Has he completely reverted to his true self? Last week he tried to get my friend to send me a pic of him “saying hi”. Why would he stop contacting me if he wants to “say hi”. I gave no reaction. I am still doing nothing. I hope I can do it forever and I hope I can feel better.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2015 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hello J,

      I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of this and I would have to say that your ex is a textbook narcissist if there ever was one. Do not mistake narcissism with “a fear of commitment”. This guy doesn’t have a fear of anything but perhaps getting caught. He is a relationship juggler just like mine was and I always ended up shocked as well when I would find out, out of the blue, that there had been someone else. Narcissist are very good at what they do. The only reason he is being silent right now is because he is involved with someone and has to give her the appropriate amount of time before he hoovers back to you. This accounts for the unexplained disappearances and the half-hearted hoover attempt via a friend just to see if he still has you in the queue. It’s all part of the game and he plays it well – as they all do.

      Please read my books When Love Is a Lie and Stop Spinning, Start Breathing because they will really open your eyes to what has been happening to you. Textbook narcissists (like yours and mine) follow a very distinct pattern that is incredibly predictable. It is wonderful that you know enough to go No Contact even when he’s NOT around but that you also are aware of your intentions and that they may be flawed. My books talk about this because when it comes to dealing with a narcissist, our intentions are everything. Sometimes we go NC just to jolt them into hoovering. I call this a hoover in reverse and I’ve been very guilty of this, believe me.

      Get the books because I feel they will empower you. You will see yourself in my story as well as your ex in my ex. They are two peas in a pod, you will see. If it wasn’t so awful, it would be funny. Stay strong, my friend, and keep reading and learning because it is the only way. You deserve all the happiness in the world!

      Zari xo

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