No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment

Where do I start? Never had I been so happy so in love. I had meet the love of my life. I couldn’t believe after a 14 year marriage that broke down this amazing man was sent to me. The red flag where there from get go but I choose to ignore them. I never wanted this feeling go away. We loved each other so much planed our future. A love story so amazing. The first time he withheld his love I was in shock but as it happend more often I started to struggle n question myself. We tried to get pregnant. One of the happiest day of my life was when I found out I was. I had children already but to be pregnant by the love of my life was bayonet hong I had dreamed off. It didn’t last long.
Day after I found out about his affair. He had even taken my girls to hang out with her. She thought she was pregnant as he had asked yo come inside knowing they had no protection. I had to have contact with her for weeks to find out if she was. Than god she wasn’t. He had just moved in to my house he relentlessly tried to convince me to stay. the letters n undying love for me he posted on FB was out of this world. He could write in ways I’ve never seen before. I stayed. Biggest mistake.
Shortly after he assaulted one of my daughters broke things in my house slammed me up agains a wall to a chock grip around my neck as I’m pregnant. Screaming he hoped me n the baby would hurt our selves. He takes off. I lie to the police that came after I called n asked if they had free counseling I knew we needed help n he had already been taken an anger management class in order to drop criminal charges with his ex. so I knew they offered help.
Next assault he throws me across the
floor. I crawl up to the bed crying. He just leaves me there while my daughters think he might be killing me in there.
They where just about to call the police. Then he stars telling me he wants to kill me n how he would kill me. He the accused me for trying to poisoning him after he got elevated liver tests back.
There where so many many more things. I finally filed an restraining order after telling my neighbor. She was really worried for me n my girls. He said he would not leave unless we both mutual ally agreed. I tried telling him how all this made feel put he only looked at me n said he could have me n my girls thrown out of our own home. Where they had grown up. In court he used the police report against me where I had lied for him. It was just aweful. He cried
like I’ve never seen him cry. Of all the 15 cases he was the only one doing this accusing me of perjury because of that police report. But the judge saw right throw him as he said he was the victim.
Right after I find out I’m pregnant again
( lost my first baby at 5 months from a heart problem (At one point he accused me it wasn’t his baby because he doesn’t make sick babies)
I can’t believe I say this but I dropped the order took him back n things where back to love bombing almost like in the beginning. He said he wanted to go to counseling even church even if he is not even religious n never been. Just empty promises. I had a miscarriage. He took me ring shopping n couldn’t wait to be my husband. He stopped the threats of killing me but started slowly to let me know of every girl he found attractive putting me down in every way.
Went on a vacation where I found him hanging out with another girl. Had another miscarriage. Things where constantly a roller coaster. He lied to his family about me totally humiliating me
telling them I was crazy. He did so many other things. I’m in disbelief I allowed this. It’s all like a dream. Tonight he broke up with me without any remorse n so scary cold.
I’m numb I don’t have any tears left. He is leaving me heartbroken completely ruined I can’t move.

Hi Zari. I found your site earlier this year and downloaded both your books when I went NC. My N tried every two weeks to reach out to me for months, but all his texts were blocked but could still go to my Ipod. I never responded. He works with me AND IS MARRIED, so it was difficult to ignore him but I did it. He had surgery on 5/1 and was out on medical leave for 10 weeks. During that time he still continued to try to communicate. Finally in mid June I sent to eff off and he went away. I got on with my life, tried joining a dating site or two.. but no one really interested me. I missed my N, but not all the b.s. that came with him. He came back to work mid-July. I had just broken up with a guy I briefly dated(I never WAS into him,but just decided to date him rather than be lonely). It was almost as if N sensed that.. he texted me something very random about a memory he had about our time together and I guess because I felt vulnerable or was fearing being lonely again, I responded to him very briefly. Like in all my breakups and NC, that’s all it took. He began texting, Iming me at work, calling me on our work phone asking for help with work issues, etc. Within a week we were meeting after work a couple times for a drink, he helped me find a used bike and we rode one night after work and soon of course, we were sleeping with each other again
I heard the same thing I had heard before..he hated his wife, he wanted out and was definitely going to leave her. He admitted when I broke things off he had reconciled with her and really tried,but he knew it was pointless. He was a master future faker and INSTANTLY began throwing those little carrots out there about what we would do when he became available, I was 100% skeptical that anything would happen and figured he would string me along for a while until I got tired of it, but being with him was comfortable and it was better than no one. The first time we had sex following our reconciliation, was one morning before work. THAT AFTERNOON he came to tell me that he felt like I should know that he was going on a family cruise a week and a half later. I told him he should have told me BEFORE we hooked up, but he told me he hadn’t thought of it at that time..but he had been struggling with telling me because he knew I’d probably get upset, but he felt he should come clean. What could I say? I told him it was Ok since the plans were made long before we started talking again. I wasn’t happy about it, but he promised things would happen by the end of October for sure. I tried convincing myself that I would just use him this time. as a friends with benefit type thing and not let his future faking get to me.

He asked me to send him some nude pics shortly after we reconnected. I complied. Well, his wife broke into his phone and found them in his deleted pic file. She texted me to stop and to leave her husband alone and a huge fight ensued. He called me that day to see how I was and I told him I was understandably upset. I questioned why she would (if she indeed hated him and was talking about moving out) tell me to leave her man alone? That obviously she wasn’t going anywhere. He got angry and told me that he had spent all day defending me and if I was going to give him crap as well, he wasn’t interested in continuing. I backed down and just said I didn’t know what I was thinking and I was sorry. He told me it got physical and she burned him with a curling iron. YET HE STAYED. He told me he packed a bag in case things got ugly. I thought..how much uglier can it get? Does she have to stab you before you leave?

He continued to give me more and more excuses and his plans for exit..none of which I knew were going to pan out. He even went so far as to point blank ask me if I believed that ‘this time’ he was really going to separate. I answered that I really had my doubts to which he thanked me for my honesty This time he was giving me an additional excuse that we weren’t “IN THE AFFAIR”, we were just taking things one day at a time and he was really enjoying the fact we were talking and interacting again. He used to be very hit or miss with contacting me when he got home, but this reconciliation was much worse. He barely talked to me at all when he was home. He went on the family cruise and told me he stayed in a cabin with his son and his wife stayed with their other son. That the only reason he went was because his parents were coming along.. otherwise, he would have cancelled altogether because he didn’t want to go anywhere with her (because she was so irate over the pictures she had found).

He was called away on a business trip three days before my birthday in Sept. He texted me to wish me happy birthday bright and early and sent me texts during the day. I thought he would call, but he never did and in fact at 5:30 texted me that he was going to dinner with the bosses and he had no idea what time he would be back in his room, so he was telling me good night early. I was like..gee..thanks! It’s my BD and not only can’t you call me, but you’re giving me the brush off. The next day he told me I make too much of a big deal over my birthday when I expressed my unhappiness about him not really making my day special.

BUT.. odd how things unfold in life. A total stranger who had been on my FB page for a couple months wished me Happy Birthday and we started conversing. One thing lead to another and I admitted that I was in a messy situation and it was best I didn’t talk to him since I felt like I was cheating. The more we talked,the more I liked this guy and I finally admitted to him that I was involved with a married man (who also happened to be a raging N). I told him my story and he said based on personal stories he had been told by friends, this guy wasn’t about to leave his wife. He told me my married man was lying to me. I argued and said he was telling me the truth..but I had been having these nagging doubts and questions of stuff that my N had mentioned to me or had commented on and things were not really adding up. I decided I liked this guy and was possibly giving up the chance on someone GOOD for the asshat I had been messing with for 3 years. I ended up telling my N I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. He questioned why..reminded me that I had told him I would be there for him ‘this time’ and promised I loved him. He told me 4 times he loved me and didn’t want to break up. He kept asking what changed and I finally admitted I had met someone. Of course, he wanted to know details about when I met him, where I met him, etc. but I wouldn’t tell him and we hung up.

I knew that I had to burn that final bridge in order to take the steps to END IT FOR GOOD AND FOR ALL and give myself a chance for this other guy. I texted my N’s wife and told her that I had told him I wanted no further contact and apologized for hurting her. Her reply was understandably nasty and she just told me to quit sending her husband inappropriate pics. The next day she told me she had talked to her husband and he denied speaking to me and in fact said we hadn’t talked in over 4 months. I sent her the screen shot of his INCOMING call to me the night before and another screenshot of the list of all our calls the past few days. I told her that at no time did I come after him (what he had been telling her all along),that it had always been him reaching out, that he never stopped trying to contact me the entire time I ignored him and that HE had requested the pics, I didn’t just send them trying to get him back. Well if you’ve ever seen the movie “The Other Woman”, that is what started happening. We were texting non-stop comparing notes. We actually LIKED each other. We both thought the other was a sweet person. Just this SOB was playing BOTH of us. He told me they hadn’t slept together in months.. as it turned out, they only slept apart maybe a night or two, but continued to have sex the entire time he had been involved with me. They went on the cruise in January as a 2nd honeymoon, he bought her a new wedding ring, a new car and promised he would never hurt her again. The family cruise he went on they were in the same cabin..not in separate ones. A vacation he took last summer in which he told me he went alone with just his kids was another lie. She didn’t go with him,but he called her two days later and had her drive herself to where he was to spend the week (and to have sex of course).

He told me she had hired a P.I. when they got back from the cruise and used it as an excuse why he couldn’t see me one weekend. He brought it up several times that she was having him followed, so he had to be really careful..even parked in my garage a few times when we hooked up so no one would see him. He told me he had confronted the guy and the police were even called. Well, she never hired one!! The lies continued.. The night of my birthday he didn’t go to dinner with his bosses. He had asked her to come visit him on her day off,they went out to dinner and she stayed over! I was LIVID. The day she found the nude photos, he didn’t defend me at all. To the contrary, he just kept telling her he had no idea why I would send him those pics because we hadn’t talked in four months. He said the instant he got them, he deleted them and told me to stop. The more things unfolded the more upset and angry I got. I felt like such a fool that I was so gullible and believed every word he told me. Apparently the night I broke up with him he told her he loved her and said the only reason I reached out to her was because I was trying to get in the middle of them because I wanted him.

I had tried for months to find my N on FB, but couldn’t.. he had even asked me a while back if I saw some pics on FB and I said I couldn’t find him. He had no explanation and asked if I had HIM blocked and I said no. I’m usually pretty quick about stuff like this and had it been anyone else, I would have thought to have one of my friends look him up, but again I believed him so I didn’t try to check up on him. My new guy friend looked him up today out of curiosity (I didn’t ask him to) and said it was unreal what he saw.. the trips, the pics of them being nothing but happy, wearing wedding rings (I never saw him wear a ring) and generally looking like the perfect couple. My N had even told me last October he had left her and tried to get me to agree to date him while he went through his divorce. I told him no, I wasn’t interested. There is a picture of them IN OCTOBER with their arms around each other smiling happily.

His wife sent me a text from him mid week of his bgging for forgiveness saying he had hit rock bottom, he had been lying to cover lies and that he wanted to work things out. He came back to work and tried to give me more lies about my birthday and some other things but I knew that is what they were.. just stories. He was scrambling trying to win ONE of us back because he was being shut out by both. His wife and I texted each other whenever he contacted us. One day I left early and he texted her he was thinking of her. 4 hours later he texted me asking me how I was feeling as I had been sick and said he hoped I was doing better. He is a psychopath!!!

All texts from both of them stopped on Thursday (which was fine.I really didn’t want to be drawn into their drama. I knew I was done and didn’t care what happened). Apparently, she just switched her profile pic to a picture of them together with their arms around each other, so he must have worked his magic and convinced her to take him back and work on their marriage. I think it’s sad that she is allowing this POS to stay in her life, but that is all she has known for 35 years, so good riddance I guess!

It was my weakness and his preying that allowed this parasite back into my life,but fortunately it was only for about 9 weeks this time. He was in still in his acquiring stage, so he was definitely nicer and had tricked me into thinking he had indeed changed. It’s disgusting to read these stories on here of so many N’s doing the EXACT SAME THING! Once I talked to his wife and got her side, things made so much more sense to me of times he used the silent treatment and then quickly followed it with love bombing and future faking. It made me sick. He had constant supply going back and forth. He’s truly a monster.

I’m just so grateful that my new friend opened my eyes to this man. Not only did he open my eyes but he supported me and even told me if the N tries to make contact, HE will intervene and it won’t be pretty. It’s great to have a male advocate who is more than willing to help me finally break all ties. I will NEVER EVER speak to my N…not even for work related questions (there is nothing he can’t find out from someone else). I sort of expect him to transfer now anyway if he is truly trying to repair his marriage and I can honestly say that would be the best for both of us.

Just wanted to share… 🙂

I wish i had searched as much as i have this past month since goin no contact from my N and knew what i know now, i would never have re entered her one sided game 3 years ago after being left crippled emotionally and physical for 8 months following a discard after a 5 year spell of her crazy before that but i truly did not believe such coldness could exsist in those who appear to be the closest to you, you see the behaviours but dont realise they are actually clinically identifiable or may be dont want to, the love bombing, triangulation, silent treatment etc etc. As i have read and can vpuch as true, the first discard and after math is bad but boy oh boy go back for more and…. well second time round is excruciating, and the overwhelming sense of stupidity is unbearable, but these forums are a source of help and are my daily read. I take it one day at a time and gain some comfort in viewing my recent discard and her new target in the administration of two injections i have been given an antiviral one which will take some time to completely free me of the toxicity present in me, but each day it is killing off a bit more, he on the other hand has been injected with the virus and though will take some time to work its way through him before he gets any symptoms as sure as night follows day it is all he has to look forward to and i know for sure whose injection brings light and hope in a new life.. I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul…… she cant have it… Good luck to all on this healing journey..

Hi Zari, I spoke with you roughly 2 months ago when I was roughly a week in NC with my x Psycho-Narc. During the last 5 weeks he has been hoovering via email. The emails were coming weekly, then turned into daily cordial messages. I eventually responded back limiting any information about myself. I was really doing good, gaining back my confidence, and feeling strong again so I felt I could deal with him rationally and without emotions. Hence I unblocked him and had my first phone conversation. He acted as if we were best of friends and we didn’t end our relationship on a bad encounter until of course he blamed me for lying to him. Long story short, I visited my old home town a week ago and asked him out for drinks. We had a great time catching up and he professed his love for me and how he missed me….I knew it was a crock of bull and to take it with a grain of salt. So he asked me out to dinner the next evening and I agreed to go. The next day when I texted to confirm our plans he asked if I wanted to travel 2 hours away and I told him it wasn’t a good ideal since I had other plans the next day. I didn’t hear anything else. So later that evening I called to confirm if we were still going and he didn’t answer. He called me 30 minutes later and rudely cancelled the plans which i told him I was anticipating that this would happen and hung up. he called back screaming at the top of his lungs at me accusing me of making him do things he doesn’t want to do. And how is doesn’t feel like going out with me and spending money therefore he is going to go over his friends house. So I told him to screw him and didn’t speak to him the remainder of my time there. Three days later I get a good morning text and a message about him traveling to Vegas acting again as nothing happened. I thought I was strong but all this anxiety has started again and I keep thinking about what the hell he is up to and why me. Please talk some sense into me!!!!

i was in relationship for 5 years with now I know a narc . He would always break up and move out always being my fault ,
When my mom got sick with cancer he took off and said he could not handle it after she passed in dec he contacted me we got back together of course in time to spend money she left me, it lasted 3 months all the while texting 3 other 2 girls he was seeing prior to us geting back he told me feeling just were not there on emotional level like they should be so I started no contact cut him off . He showed up at my place told me he wants me to be happy bla bla , then I find out he moved in with obe girls he was texting when we got back all the while talking to me, I have hit bottom ever since I have found out in June , I can’t work or function thoughts of killing myself derm normal ? The girl he’s living with husband died he since has aquired a corvette , motorcycle, 5000 dollar watch ,trips u name it and lives in her amazing house , making me feel like I didn’t hVe enough to offer , he was still communicating with me phone text exc then I told him I wS sick of it I was moving in with someone else I blocked him shut down facebook email all of it it’s been 3 weeks of hell not hearing a word because I at least wanted him to try to contact me and when he had not I have slipped into severe depression
Io can’t seem to pull myself out!! Please help !! Thanks tlk

I feel better already just the understanding here that u can relate didnt know the silent treatment could be disguised as a breakup …n wat u said to other girl as she eating toasted sandwiches shes healing !!!! Yes!!!

When i look at the dating site his on i feel relief if his been on very recently because i feel like the focus is off me if he hasent been on i get anxious thinking im his main focus n thats not helping . The his left something here etc all that happened n i fell for it numerous times the times i threw him out by the way i had to drop his stuff off n then lovk my doors the onetime i let him gather his stuff he went for me … Then called n said it was just a silly argument hope i wasent to hurt … Pig vile pig took him back still all this in 5 to 6 months !! Longest we gone nc 5 days with him txt constantly n me finally answering so i think he thinks i will answer at some point 10 days now !!!!
Wish i could move house but i cant ….
Did got apologys after me saying cant talk anymore n blocked cuse he wanted to know why i hadnt answered him n i better tell him n not send txt in a week dosent have to be extreme let me know i dif 4 hours later he raged call me c..t etc so looking back he controlled that also made it seem safe to tell him wrong no win situation ! Thankgod i was feeling pretty strong a week before nc have to say the nc i hit him with when least expecting it well ( he thought we gonna be friends or rarher id be his while he came n went as he pleased long as i never get chance to move on … Pick up where it left off )Hell no ! Def dont feel safe a lot . After that narcissit injury i threw at him .. He txt saying sorry about nasty txts miss x with bla blah more angrier than normal cause of blah blah sorry this so long had to get it out