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No Contact vs. The Silent Treatment

no-contactThe difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome – and no one knows this better than a narcissistic partner.

About four years ago, out of the clear blue and smack dab in the middle of my narcissistic relationship nightmare, I got real strong and went No Contact on my ex before he had a chance to go silent on me. It was highly unusual behavior on my part and a shocker to both of us since it was he who typically called the communication shots. And I held on tight for quite a few weeks until his incessant pounding on my apartment door caused me to open it, letting the evil in once again for another round.

As some point before I gave in, I had even scribbled No Contact on the dry erase board that hung on the wall behind my desk as a reminder/affirmation, I suppose, of what I was supposed to be doing. And, for whatever reason, after I let the demon back in, I neglected to erase the reminder, deliberately and perhaps purposely opening myself up to ridicule and arguments as to my intention. For several weeks, there I sat and there he sat and there sat those words – No Contact – looming on the wall behind me like the elephant in the room and neither of us said a word.

Then, one day, I happened to turn around to write a date on the board and noticed that the N had made a change – albeit when I wasn’t looking – to my scribbled affirmation. With a black marker, he had drawn an angled line through the word No in No Contact and written Mo above it so that it now read Mo Contact (as in slang for MORE Contact, of course).  I have to admit, I thought it was pretty funny then and I think it’s pretty funny even now. I left that “correction” up on that dry erase board for months after and, again, it loomed behind me and we never said a word.

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How can the narcissist take No Contact seriously if his victim doesn’t? He can’t. To a narcissist, there’s absolutely no difference between a silent treatment and a little dose of no contact and, hell, he knows all about the dynamics of a silent treatment. Specifically, he knows that a silent treatment doesn’t last forever and, therefore, the same rule must apply to the No Contact Rule. This is how he thinks when we don’t show him differently…when we don’t mean what we say and say what we mean.

zari-ballard-consultMost narcissist victims, even as painful as it is, do understand that implementing No Contact is and always will be the only effective means to gaining back our sanity.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about it and trying to create new and better ways to maintain it so that we don’t do exactly what the narcissist thinks we’re going to do – give in. It’s all about the intention going in. When you make a decision to go No Contact, you have to first ask yourself “Am I going No Contact, or am I giving him the Silent Treatment?” because silent treatments, as we know, are temporary. A silent treatment – aside from being cruel and unusual and the narcissist’s favorite “punishment” – is intended to prove a point (oh… how well we know that!) or to teach a lesson or to buy time to be a cheating bastard or whatever. It’s nothing more than a dreadful narcissistic tactic intended to HURT.  The intention of No Contact should be nothing other than to END IT.  Sure, it would be nice if No Contact HURT the narcissist but this is doubtful. Narcissistic injury is not the same as the gut-wrenching feeling we get when we’re discarded. It’s not even close. Going NC actually gives us the last word – finally! NC, whether we know it or not, is the closure from the narcissist we’ve been looking for.

I was very guilty of this myself (as shown in my Mo Contact anecdote)…of not taking the No Contact Rule seriously…of not going into it with the appropriate intention. I’m certain that I went “no contact” more than once to get the narcissist’s attention. This is wrong. We can’t seriously implement No Contact yet still look at/allow texts, emails, Facebook contact, or continue to drive-by, etc. If the intention is really to END IT…to go No Contact…then all of that must stop. Numbers must be blocked or changed, emails deleted, Facebook accounts blocked or, better yet, deactivated. We can’t have it both ways.

The difference between No Contact and a Silent Treatment is the intention of the outcome.

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Now, I’m not saying any of this is easy because it certainly is not.  And I’m not saying that if you go No Contact and fall off the wagon that you can’t get up and instantly start over because you can (and you must). And I’m not saying that if you fall off the wagon, then your intention was disingenuous because that’s not necessarily true. I’d much rather that you intend to end it and mess up than go into the plan with the intention of playing the same old game with the narcissist – only in reverse. It’s a game we’ll never win.

Everything we do in life should be done with an intention. For anyone who believes (as I do) in Universal concepts such as the Law of Attraction, then you know what I’m talking about. The Universe knows your true intention and will give to you accordingly and the narcissist, believe it or not, is keenly aware of your true intentions as well. If you really want him to go away, go No Contact with the right intention and he eventually will [NOTE: the exception, of course, would be a co-parenting situation where complete NC is often impossible]. As long as we start with the right intention, even if mistakes are made, I believe we will eventually get what we really want (albeit not as quickly). When we enter NC with the intention for it to be temporary, the game continues, we remain the narcissist’s puppet, and time continues to be wasted.

It’s all up to you how you handle your suffering at the hands of the N and letting go of anything is never easy. It’s a complex situation that calls for us to be aware of our intentions (and boundaries) more than ever. Let’s be honest with ourselves and with each other no matter how hard or how painful it gets. And if we feel confused, there’s always someone on the team who understands. We are, after all, in this together.

Baby steps, everyone, and we can all hold hands.

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53 Comments

  • Nancy Willis

    May 30, 2016 at 8:05 am Reply

    Grand question of the morning! This has been bothering me for weeks. Has anyone ever noticed a male who has gone into a rage, Full blown, flat out, scary, narcissistic rage, have a change in affect to a feminine quality? Not extreme, but noticeable? not only voice but gestures/mannerisms? While I am not an advocate of breaking all the good stuff in the house but when you snap and go into a rage from narcissistic injury, it would seem that it’s fullbore, flat out, get thee behind me Satan…. Thank you!

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2016 at 8:14 pm Reply

      Hi Nancy,

      No, but mine liked to pretend I was another dude. He once put me in a headlock because he mistakenly thought I was looking at his cell phone (I was looking at MY cell phone) and another time he got so mad that he started bouncing around in front of me jabbing the air like he was fucking Rocky Balboa going into Round 3. I just stood there looking at him and then calmly walked out, leaving him there bobbing and weaving.

      I’m sure SOMEONE here has seen their narc do the effeminate thing. Sounds hilarious to me!

      Zari xo

  • Nancy

    May 10, 2016 at 11:59 pm Reply

    With each passing day I envision the moment I tell him that from that moment on we’re, he is – no more. A 22 year relationship. 18 married, The depths of hell would be a club med vacation after the last six or seven years – my sense of time sucks out loud so let’s just say it’s been a long time. Determined not to let all that time go to waste – I have to admit I have learned a lot. I’m a spineless pussy and afraid to speak up. Oh wait! that was yesterday!! I’m not a spineless pussy anymore. I am a force to be reckoned with. Damn this is Fun! He dumped me for some young chick, he is 65 years old, he found some young girl on craigslist that he could work his charm on (and trust that he can be a magnificently charming !) his love bombing on, he essentially re-created a person, re-created himself once again and even gave himself a different name – the same name he had with a girlfriend he had 30 years ago! hey thank you Jesus or Craigie, whoever, whatever your name is, because I felt about ready to drive into a bridge abutment at about 110. Not really – but foolish thoughts like that crossed my mind.. that’s just not good. He lies to her about me to create a story lines and situations where he can pull her further into his trust and she can take him into her deepest confidences, he creates drama bombs all over the place – lol, I was trying to say trauma bonds, and AutoCorrect turned it into “drama bombs”, but damn, he does that as well!!! Maybe AutoCorrect is on to something!!!! I sure wasn’t expecting this Load of shite, and I’ve tried my level best to make lemonade out of it and meatloaf and Château Briand, but I just have to let the calendar pages turn, let this time go by and truly understand that it will all settle down, for chrissakes I’m 60 years old, lol! File this under shit you thought would never happen – hey, I fell madly in love with and I married a covert malignant narcissist psychopath, Whose sadistic streak is long and wide, well holy shit, you’re not going to find that on a Hallmark card anytime soon…. Presently I have two broken arms, you should see the little smile on his face!! Happy as a pig in shit! so yes, the day, the moment I get to tell him – after this moment, after today there will be no phone calls no emails no presents, no happy birthdays, no happy Mother’s Days (oh my God) it will be as though we drove to the cemetery and lowered your casket into the ground.
    It is a blessing to find these sites where people read one another’s stories and understand that they are not alone, that they have not been singled out. It hurts. It stings almost as bad as a white face wasp. Nothing hurts as much as A white faced wasp, not even a broken heart. Let’s keep our heads up, that way we won’t miss anything.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 14, 2016 at 2:33 am Reply

      Nancy wrote…It hurts. It stings almost as bad as a white face wasp. Nothing hurts as much as A white faced wasp, not even a broken heart. Let’s keep our heads up, that way we won’t miss anything. Let’s do that!

      Hi Nancy,

      Thank you for sharing here and I appreciate you:) I pray that you break completely free…so free that you can fly. But first…two broken arms? Do tell how that happened, girl. How do you break just your arms? I want to know and I will be waiting to hear back with worry:(

      Zari xo

      • Nancy Willis

        May 30, 2016 at 7:55 am Reply

        Hello Zari ~
        Those two pesky broken arms! Both of my casts are off, replaced by these lovely black braces with metal sleeves. Think: goth meets rehab, we’re styling ‘! I was just giving a few swift kicks to negative thoughts this morning and about to be more mindful about approaching tasks and finishing them and I found that I had not answered your question about how in the name of God do I end up with two busted limbs. You do realize I have to climb back into the pit of hell and actually remember things about him to do this – but what the heck, I’ll do it in a reasonable amount of time because you know — those of us trying to heal need to take their finger off of the stove and keep it off. Grrr
        Almost 90 days from my first fracture, and I just realized something. Maybe breaking my left arm helped my distressed brain for those first two weeks and beyond. Why? Here goes.
        After a long day in the emergency room the orthopedic doctor asked me when I had eaten last. Might he wish to run to the cafeteria and grab me a good warm snack? Probably not. He told me that if they decided to do surgery they need to know if I had eaten and also could they call my husband. Hmmm. Informed said Dr. that I will be deciding if we do surgery tonight and you cannot call my husband because he is on a plane to South America with his married girlfriend that he got off of craigslist. Having worked in psychiatric nursing for many years I knew immediately–as soon as the words were out of my mouth, that it sounded a lot like the kind of stories we’ve heard: you can’t make this stuff up. Welcome to my world.
        But I broke it the good old fashioned way, and believe me, what a mood breaker that is!! I was actually moving my husband’s clothing and a bureau on the second floor the house out to the garage. My mood however was bright, I had not just spray-painted GTFO onto the bureau, I actually had music on (very unusual for me) I was singing! George Thorogood – it’s fun to change the lyrics from “I drink alone” to “I live alone”. During my somewhat hypomanic, goal oriented moment, moving like a whirling dervish, came waltzing around the corner of a worktable and then it was lights out, but for a second. Perhaps it was the full body slam against the cement floor and striking other parts harder than the forehead allowed me to regain consciousness quickly.
        Funny – there is within a matter of minutes a whole body response to fractured bones. Your mind may move ahead very quickly, you will assess, have it iced, splinted and elevated above the heart before your blood pressure takes a dive, your face cool, clammy – you quickly assess your surroundings and realizing while sitting in the chair that you may go headfirst on the floor – because you’re going down sister. You can still see the kitchen, better not waste any time, you’ve about five seconds to make it about 8 feet to lay down on that kitchen floor and raise your legs up against the cabinets and get your blood pressure back up to where it needs to be. You were in “get it done mode” before you even broke your arm now you’re in “really get it done right now” automatic mode.
        I need to get to the hospital. Where’s Husband when you need one? Oh yeah that’s right. Check the neighbors yards, who’s home? Part of your brain begins to recognize that this is too much at once, emergency room takes precedent and you push that feeling of being overwhelmed to the side. and don’t drop that left arm, OK?
        Two bones fractured and immediately we have a whole body response that makes us stop and address the problem. Our psyche gets screwed with for years on end and we get up and go about our business. We would do well to respond to emotional abuse the way we respond to a couple of broken bones! We could just say to stop the show, nobody’s going anywhere until this shit is taken care of! Aargh! Yeah those were 2×4’s I tripped over; a blessing that I have so many expletives in my repertoire.
        Three weeks later…. Let’s remember folks, I live alone (why I was just singing that, wasn’t I?!) and still need to get bags of pellets downstairs to the pellet stove and keep the fire going. So why don’t I just reach forward with my good arm and scoop up these stray pellets in the corner and … Glass flying, headlong into the floor I go, what the Christ was that? I still don’t know. But if I thought I sounded like a psych patient when I told the doctor where my husband was three weeks earlier…. I really sounded like I lost it when, in seconds, I saw that my right arm was broken and yelled, “this isn’t real!!” and that was the easy part. There were two incidences of abuse that day but I cannot presently address them, regarding a sadistic narcissistic pathological liar – he left no stone unturned. I will write it later as it truly puts forth with glaring clarity, the horrid thought processes and The lengths a person will go with their cluster B, for fun and pain, the other for fun and for gain.
        Look at the bright side, I know how to open up 2 L bottle of soda with a hacksaw!!

        • Zari Ballard

          May 30, 2016 at 8:22 pm Reply

          Nancy wrote…Two bones fractured and immediately we have a whole body response that makes us stop and address the problem. Our psyche gets screwed with for years on end and we get up and go about our business. We would do well to respond to emotional abuse the way we respond to a couple of broken bones! We could just say to stop the show, nobody’s going anywhere until this shit is taken care of!

          Thank you for explaining about the two broken arms! Good God girl! I too would have yelled “This isn’t real!”. I’m sure you would have slapped yourself to try and wake yourself up if you could have!!! The chances of having two broken arms in anything other than a horrific car crash or a free fall roll off a mountain cliff is LESS than slim and none, you do know that. LOL You need to write a book…you’re descriptive prose puts the reader right in it:)

          Zari xo

  • Anonymous

    May 5, 2016 at 12:58 pm Reply

    Afternoon everyone –

    I’ve been dealing with emotional abuse since I was a child. Whether it was observed between the interactions of my parents or first hand experienced by my mother. I also have experienced it first hand with my father but way less frequently. Sadly it has taken me 28 years to realize that my parents both illicit N personality traits and conflict resolve with N tactics. I have never been able to deal or understand it for that matter and it has left me as a confused, sad and angry teenager and now – adult.

    My parents seem to have an issue with me being more introverted and sensitive than they are. They have a hard time accepting this as my personality (which resembles that of my grandmother (my mother’s mother) since she raised me as a child). I also have a drive to be surrounded by positivity and opportunity rather than a cesspool of negativity and “realism” …what ever that is in the eyes of my parents. I really try hard to surround myself around all things positive. I have this notion that it will help resolve the uncertainty in my life and relieve some of the confusion I have about life and what type of family I would like to develop in the relatively near future. They seem to view this as a threat or that I am somehow better than them which is continuously held over my head. It’s really sad.

    There has been so much I’ve experienced which I will not list other than my number one boundary of being name called and mocked. This boundary is continuously crossed…mostly by my mother. For example, she calls me a bitch when she doesn’t like what I have to say and she mocks my speech and body movements when I try and respectfully work through conflict. It’s almost like she realizes she’s not winning the fight and resorts to “fighting dirty”. I’ve been in therapy now for 7 months and I’ve been working on identifying these trend and learning how to walk away from the dance of anger.

    As a daughter whom actually did want to make ammends with her parents and develop a respectful relationship. I tried to be a N ninja. Putting all my efforts into explaining everything. Why I am the way I am and how certain things hurt my feelings. I’ve also tried to take on the liberty of trying to coach my parents through conflicts they are going through that didn’t involve me….. to help them see there is a better way of communicating/conflict resolution and not having so much anger or energy build-up for something that can be dealt with a clear concious and a level head.

    I feel like I have set myself up for failure and have been banging my head off a brick wall.

    Last week I have been subjected to name calling, mockery and an “intervention” so to say of all the things that are wrong with my personality and what I can do to be better or what i need to do in order to not effect others (my parents) that are around me. Please know that prior to this argument I have heavily retracted myself from engaging with my parents. There was an incident (that did not involve me) prior to the belittlement session that had me in shock. It was a point where I seriously had asked myself do I Cut Off All Contact” with them? or do I continue on with the stress and keep working at this relationship? When I present these big questions to myself I retreat into my safe zones and reflect on my own. I do not come out of my shell until I feel ready. This action of being quiet and reflective had given rise to the belittlement event…well and the fact that I was at the dinner table half asleep (just woken by my mom from an afternoon nap and made a groaning noise due to the fact that my muscles are in agony from a really tough work out I did the other day. They took all of these unrelated things very negatively and started the “What’s Wrong With You” conversation which was the segue for belittlement.

    Out of that whole conversation there were two distinct wins for myself. 1. Identifying I was out of control/seeing red when I was mocked 2. Telling my mom that was unacceptable and this is emotional abuse and walking away. I did yell it but at least I did not resort to the dirty fighting she wanted in me.. I thought this would cue her to stop as I identified she had crossed a well known boundary of mine. She insisted on continuing. She labelled me as a victim and to do what I do best… running away. She also claimed that my withdrawal was a form of emotional abuse on my parents. These three proclaimed ideas will be something I remember until I die just like the time when she convinced me I was mentally ill as a teenager.

    Her ideas that I play a victim card, am inflicting emotional abuse as well as being a really good runner from problems really got me thinking for a number of reasons:

    The first is that in no sense do i believe I am a victim. Not once has this crossed my mind nor have I not been able to be accountable for my actions. I always blame myself before I blame another person or I always think about what I could do differently to get another type of result. I was flabbergasted by this idea I am a victim. WHOA? Am I a victim? What do victims do?

    The second. I’m great at running away. That’s 100% true. I am really good at compartmentalizing, separating myself from something to either think clearly or just plain ol’ saying no when things aren’t working for me. This is one of my strongest traits and has helped me achieved the successes in my life I have achieved!

    The heaviest of ideas I’m struggling with is the third idea I am inflicting abuse onto my parents. What heavy words to digest and listen to. I never want to inflict the pains that I feel onto another person. Never. Thinking about giving someone my hurt makes me feel extremely upset, scared and guilty. I continuously think what if I do this to my child when I have one?! I’ve concluded that I will only be ready to have a child when I’m mentally ready and have dealt with my own emotional scares and gotten rid of any habits of name calling as well as having a good set of tools under my belt where conflict resolution is done in a respectful way.

    This idea really got me thinking “was walking away and not engaging with an N the same as an N giving the silent treatment?” Up until reading this blog I was really worried that I was inflicting abuse and was ready to apologize for my reactions and change. But what I have discovered is that I have been battling with Cutting off All Contact with my parents. I’ve been straddling this line do i do it or don’t i? Can I still live at home but still separate myself? And based on yesterdays conversation they find this battle within my head very confusing and maybe even think I am giving them the silent treatment when I am not. This is great to know because there is nothing wrong with my personality and who i am.

    It has been liberating reading this article as I’ve found out there is a difference between the silent treatment and figuring out how to cut off ties. I think that being 28 it is time that I move out even though I might not be able to fund my living expenses especially with being a masters student.

    Hey if there is a will there is a way? I hope so!

    p.s. I wish everyone on this site undergoing physical, mental and emotional abuse all the power in the world. I hope that we all get out of these negative reoccurring experiences and get to live only positive ones where we are confident and have all residual buzzing stress around our bodies actually removed. I wish you all all the best and all the power in the world.

    Take care,

    Anonymous.

  • joanne

    March 4, 2016 at 1:49 pm Reply

    My N dumped me out of the blue for OW 8 months ago after 2 years …….he never devalued me to my face (which was weird) so I had no idea the dumping was coming…..I had NC for solid 3 1/2 months and then last week he starts texting….I ignore and ignore then Im drinking and I call he doesnt answer so I leave him a vile message telling him not to contact me ever again…..etc. etc…..he calls several times & i dont answer & text him do not ever contact me etc…..well he kept calling I dont answer so I decided to send him a text…I told him i was still madly in love with him, i will love him forever no matter who he was with….& I had to block him from my life because I loved him so much….etc. etc. basically being honest with my feelings….well the next morning he called I again did not answer. That was 2 days ago and he has never called back. My point is I feel like I got closure by telling the truth about how I feel. I am not going to ever start up with him again ever even tho I really want to. I realize what he is and know it was all fake. So it doesnt matter that I gave him a narc HI because I will never have contact with him again……I also told him he was a narc and sited examples. I feel so much better & dont care if he thinks Im weak or needy whatever…..I was trying to lay it on thick so he would go away satisfied that Im still in love with him….I am not in love with real guy (him) but Im in love with the “pretend guy” and he is dead.
    ,

    • tass

      March 9, 2016 at 9:50 pm Reply

      i know how you are feeling Joanne. I confronted my N over a year ago about his selfish ways and before that i remarked that he was a N and the anger in his eyes were unforgettable, he and I were never in an actual relationship we were sleeping together for 11 years while he was in another relationship 2 of them they were special friends and I was treated like a mushroom, kept in the dark and fed sh*t. but the last time I reached out to him was in feb and the emails were very short, I ignored his ” i often think about you” and kept the discussion friendly, I ignored his thought of sex with me and i could tell by his lack of reply or my wording he was getting angry bc he wasnt getting what he always got from me sex… but i was purposely feeding his ego just out of fun. I havent heard from him now for 2 weeks and I am glad i figured out what he was but i miss the person i thought he was…

    • Nancy

      May 11, 2016 at 6:51 am Reply

      Joanne-
      Ouch! I can surely identify with that need to sort of “come clean” regarding acknowledging this absolute love. I pondered that idea for a while as I felt I would be leaving at least having said what I needed to. It’s a tough concept to wrap your head around, that they are nearly empty vessels, Aliens that have just landed and the unfortunate news is that they feed off of our most defenseless parts. We are their tender young veal, they are always hungry and like one of my crazy little cats: they will drop the bird to chase the mouse, then with the rodent still in their mouth, they will go running full tilt after the bird, drop the mouse, wrap their paws around the birds wings until it screams. Distracted for a split second, back to the mouse who will give them chase. On and on it goes.
      I’ve read many times that it’s a good idea to sit down and just pour it all out onto the keyboard or a piece of paper. Whole deal, leaving nothing unsaid. But don’t send it. Blurt it out, the whole thing. We really do not want to feed that alien, what we wanted was a real, authentic individual. We didn’t get it. Back to the drawing board. It’s a pisser, no doubt.
      We cannot fake certain things. We read about women who say that they truly, honestly do not care any longer, that POS could move in with his new girlfriend at the end of the street and you wouldn’t give a shit less. That true and deep lack of emotion is not something that can be rushed. What our intellectual brain knows and what our emotional brain feels, oh those pesky God damn Hatfields and McCoy’s, will they ever live in peace and harmony? It can’t be rushed, it will unfold like everything else in nature, in its own time, but we can do things to help it stay on that track and stop torturing ourselves in small ways. Stop picking at that scab! Learning more about cluster B disorders, talking with an individual who understands, definitely not getting drunk. We’re building walls, not knocking them over with a quart of vodka. Although a couple of 16 ounce Guinness’ and singing bawdy songs with some close friends is always welcome, but you need a central nervous system depressant like I need another busted arm or a brand-new, fresh, sadistic MF husband! Hell no!
      Two years into my 22 year relationship with Mr. Sadism himself, two fun filled, love bombed years, where, when I hung the phone up at night after talking with him (oh that would be every night of the week by the way) I would fold my hands together close my eyes, look skyward, and say, “thank you God”. Two years into it shortly after we had moved in together in a new home, my 12-year-old daughter said, “Pssst! Mom! Come here.” I told her that we were just sitting down to supper and that it could wait a few minutes, hoping that the civility of manners and routine would lend value to the few minutes that we had sitting together as a “family “.
      “Ma! c’mere. It’s important”, in hushed tones. So I get up and walk to the other side of the room where we are not seen, she cups her hands around her mouth and whispers to me, “mom, Bob has lipstick on his mustache. Go look.” Well if that wasn’t Toto pulling back the curtain on the Wizard, I don’t know what was!
      Well sure as shit he did. I don’t remember anything else about that supper, oh I remember it was spaghetti that was all. This was my very first, my introduction, The premiere, the opening event to his his lying and his cheating. Oh heck I think we had some drama for dessert, oh yes indeed and I did make it, it was homemade and quite on the spot! yes it was a new recipe I had not yet tried! I think it was one of those “make it a jiffy!”, no special tools required, just a good pitching arm and a sturdy stove. It came out pretty good, it was fresh I’ll tell you that. As a matter of fact I think some things got broken in the process of making that dessert, well they just don’t make things like they used to, do they?
      My daughter and I can laugh about that now. I had not even considered how that affected her at the time. And I had no clue of his mental illness. It would be almost 19 years later but I would understand it’s an axis 2 personality disorder, all dressed up as a handsome, charming, prince. Egads.
      Keep learning, keep busy. Except for giving me wrinkles and ulcers, mother nature is slow as fuck.
      Nancy

      • Joanne

        May 11, 2016 at 5:20 pm Reply

        Nancy,
        Thank you for your post…..you are so right on re logic vs emotional knowing it was all fake is the hardest thing to grasp….almost 1 year later & im still going over it trying to make sense out of nonsense….im not obsessing all day anymore but hes (pretend guy) still taking up space in my head……im making progress everyday, small victories…..one step at a time but damn nature is slow…that gave me great hope because its so true everything unfolds according to its own time….loved your analogy of making dessert!!! You made me lmao thank you!!!
        Joanne

      • Anastasia

        May 23, 2016 at 6:08 pm Reply

        I have gone NC since March, the last contact I made was in feb, and this time round I feel more empowered and determined to stay on this path. The last correspondence confirmed to me that he is what he is and I am so relieved I didn’t give in and see him.
        I do have flashes of him and also think about him but he is now in the past and no longer in my life. I finally deleted his number email address… and now when I get calls from a private number I don’t answer them.
        As each day passes and I I haven’t contacted him I feel good, I am sleeping better, eating better, laughing, and getting back into my exercise. I just remind myself that I am beautiful, loving, caring and this was never about me and he no longer has power and control … So far so good with this NC

  • anastasia

    February 29, 2016 at 8:13 pm Reply

    I have been reading your posts for months now, I wasnt in a so called relationship as actual partners but I was sleeping with a married man for several years and then after his divorce continued to sleep with him in the hope that he would take a chance on me and its now been 5 years and he has been in 2 relationship still going with the second one and all along he knew how I felt about him he knew I was inlove with him and he would never give me a direct answer and I would use sex to keep him in my life, he was great and giving me the silent treatment if I questioned him or asked for more, and about 10 months ago it all made sense to me i had confronted him in his kitchen after seeing a photo of another woman and because I stood my ground he barked at me that he wanted to grow the friendship and develop the relationship and that we shouldnt have sex as it had become jaded, he was great at manipulating, lying and stringing me along, he purposely wished me a happy birthday 1 day after my actual birthday knowing exactly when it was, i then didnt contact him for 8 weeks but gave it, i asked him about his situation in a text he didnt reply then when i reworded it to express how i missed him and how much i valued his friendship he replied saying he was away sailing and we would talk when he got back ( i knew with his current supply) when he got back we had sex then a week later he called and told me his phone was playing up that I should call not text him i thought he wanted to make it more personal but in fact he had blocked my number so his current gf wouldnt find out about me, i then questioned his phone and he gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks before i got an email and text asking for sex, that was in May 2015 and i havent slept with him but I havent confronted him either I have just kept my distance and email him the occasional email.i didnt wish him a happy birthday which i have sent him a card and gift for the past 4 years , he has asked about my love life and when i asked about his he wouldnt reply but when I would send a warm loving email about how much i miss him crap he replies saying that he too hasnt ended the friendship and misses our adventures. I also get calls from a private number with no message left and just Feb 2016 I sent him an email saying hi and that i hope that life was treating him kindly, he replied first thing saying all was good except for his work and that he thinks about me often, i have kept my emails very non sexual and his replies are short not follow up questions…I have decided to not contact him but feel that I am going to hear from him. I never thought he was a N but stepping back and seeing it all at first destroyed me and a part of me know wants to do his head in and get him so angry that he has no control over me and that he is never going to get what he wants , i want him to think that im wanting him and i know he is waiting for me to break and give in and give him sex..i wont.. but i have found the last few days drained and anxious. its like i feel him wanting me to contact him?? i managed to go NC for almost 4 months but i naively went and saw a tarot reader and they said he was missing me and i should reach out to him and to keep it on friendly terms and that he was at cross roads and doesnt know what he wants????

    • Zari Ballard

      March 1, 2016 at 6:49 pm Reply

      Hi Anastasia,

      You’re going to have to let go of this guy if you ever want any hope of getting your life back. Sending him emails and texts even every so often is keeping YOURSELF in his queue without him even having to do anything. You’re never going to beat him at his own game – ever – and even if you did, he wouldn’t care. Cut your losses now and block him from being able to ever call or text or email you again. That tarot reader was full of shit. He’s content just to have you in the queue along with all the others but he doesn’t care any more for you than he does for the girl at the grocery store who rang his groceries today. Do you know what I mean? It took me a long time to come to this discovery – that I wasn’t nearly as important in this creature’s life as I thought I was. They could care less. Don’t waste any more time giving him the satisfaction of you checking in every so often…block him, disappear, and find your happiness beyond the perpetual rabbit hole.

      zari xo

      • anastasia

        March 1, 2016 at 7:31 pm Reply

        Thank you .. I feel like I have let myself down by contacting him after going no contact

        • Zari Ballard

          March 3, 2016 at 10:52 am Reply

          Hi Anastasia,

          Remember…breaking NC isn’t the end of the world, it’s just the end of NC. It takes two seconds to get back on the bandwagon and it’s perfectly okay to act like the slip never even happened. Give yourself a break. No big deal. Just pick up where you left off…

          Zari xo

        • BethD

          May 14, 2016 at 10:51 pm Reply

          Anastasia, Zari is spot on and I pray you heed her advice.
          Contacting your Narc is like putting your hand on the hot stove. You will surely get burned. No good can come of this. You may feel relief for a nanosecond but the pain is not far behind. I know it hurts but the longer you go the closer you come to getting out of the fog. Once you are out you will find peace. Accept that he does not have good intentions and that being his fallback girl does nothing but harm you and enable him . Keep strong! (Hugs)

  • My Way

    December 15, 2015 at 11:33 am Reply

    I thought I was doing no contact but I dropped it. I was feeling so miserable and had such bad anxiety. I missed him so much, having no communication at all, I actually felt like I was silencing myself. It was having the reverse effect on me. I felt like I was suffocating myself. So of course I unblocked his number and he texted me. I actually felt relieved to have heard from him. As if a weight had been lifted off me. I know it isn’t going to improve matters, if he could stay away for 2 months there has to be someone else in the picture. I don’t have false hope. But for now it feels better. I feel like it is a small step to do it my way and withdraw little by little in my mind. It is comforting to me but I will not take it any further. I know I am strong enough for that now. I will not go back to the worry, the lies, the hurt. I understand what he is and it will never work. I don’t t want bitterness, it isn’t a nice feeling to be abruptedly cut off without any goodbye or resolution. If he persisted to get together I will tell him I will always care but it can never be. I need to speak my piece for my own sake. Even if it means nothing to him or has no effect upon him.

  • LINDA

    October 31, 2015 at 10:30 am Reply

    Just found this site. I am living with a man that i have been involved with for nearly 5 years. He is a real charmer. I always have said that he is my best friend. We get along so well. I have never been treated better. I have never been happier. Two years ago he told me one day that he had feelings for somebody else. I was devastated. How could that be. We had been exclusive for 2 years. He left me for a relationship with this girl in June. They fought and could not get along at all. He was back again by October only to leave me again in Novemeber. He moved her into his house while I was out of town for a week. I pretty much never heard from him again until the following July when he came back. He was so sorry and had made the biggest mistake in his life. I took him back. life went well for a few months and then i began to suspect he was seeing the old girlfriend again. Of course he denied it. Turns out it wasnt the old girlfriend it was a new girl friend and she was claiming to be pregnant. This was a nightmarish time. This girl went crazy stalking him and me. I am sure that he is still in contact with her. I cannot prove it but I’m sure he is. In light of my discoveries recently I dont think they ever go away. He says this child is not his. He says he is sterile. We shall see come November if the child is his or not. Once i recovered from this second blow life again was good. The honey moon period. 3 months go by and I find out that he is in deed seeing the old girl friend, and in addition there is another one also. He is cheating on me, cheating on the old girlfiend and me with the new girlfriend, and cheating on the newest girlfriend with both of us. All these things he is doing and coming home at night and being a loving compainion. Once again devastated. What the hell is going on ? I have never known anyone like this before. what is wrong with me ? Why does he need all these women. Is he a sex addict ?
    Somehow in his charming way we start all over again. And again a honeymood period. but things began to slowly change. He started not coming to bed at night. He worked nights so he told me it was the stress, and his time clock was off. He was less concerned with the house, he did less in the yard. He was available by phone only some times. the rest of the time his phone was lost, or dead, or turned off, or not paid for in time, Always a new excuse. He began coming home later and later. 4:00 am was the usual time before I went to work at 5:00. There to tell me he loved me and how one thing or another had kept him working late. I wanted to believe him. Now the silent treatment. He picked a fight with me and left me. He blocked me from his phone. He packed a couple of bags of personal things while i was at work and he left. I wrote text after text. I wrote email after email and everything remained un answered. Finally a week into it he text me back. Then he called. he assured me there was no one else. he was just buying a busines. He was stressed, he needed time alone to figure out things. this morning he came home. Its almost 2 weeks later. I am still blocked on his phone. I found him in his man cage of a garage at 4:00 am. after putting him to bed, my insecurity took over and I looked in his phone. He is still seeing both of these women. Nothing has changed. He sees them both sometimes on the same day. I dont think they know about each other but they both know about me. He is so charming I am sure he has spun some kind of web telling them they are the moon and the stars, and repeating the same to me. I am sure they believe I am evil, or we have some kind of an arrangement. Well he was loving until the day he diappeared 2 weeks ago. I just found this site today > OMG this is him. All of these things he has said or done. he made me belive I was craxy.These are his traits. This victim is me. I am devastated. but at least I have a lable to put on it. At least I know I am not crazy. Oh god I love this man so much. How is that possible when he is a monster. I am dying inside. Got to get started unraveling our life. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done. SOSOSO Sad 🙁

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2015 at 1:00 pm Reply

      Linda wrote…He is cheating on me, cheating on the old girlfiend and me with the new girlfriend, and cheating on the newest girlfriend with both of us. All these things he is doing and coming home at night and being a loving compainion. Once again devastated. What the hell is going on ? Cheating like the narcissistic douchebag that he is!

      Hi Linda,

      Good grief, girl! Trust me, this guy has never been your best friend. Ever. After all the crap we put up with, we completely forget what’s normal and what’s not. This guy is a Cheater Extraordinaire who absolutely will not stop. I wouldn’t call it a sex addiction because it appears he creates “relationships”. It’s simply a narcissist doing what he does best and, believe me, this guy is GOOD. He uses compartmentalization like no other. Look at all of the compartments he has – one for each girlfriend – and he just walks in and out of them using the same level of emotion. Look, all of this is how you know he IS a narcissist. There isn’t a single normal human male in the whole world who wouldn’t be stressed about having all these relationships to juggle. One extra girlfriend is barely what a normal guy can handle before guilt and stress take over.

      How could he have possibly made you feel as if YOU were crazy when the women exist and he knows it? How could you even BELIEVE that you’re crazy? What on earth did you think that you were crazy about?? Girl, if you can, book a consultation at some point because I need to set you straight on this! LOL There is NOTHING to love about this man and he certainly is absolutely incapable of loving anyone. The only thing that you provide for him is a place to hang out when all of his other relationships don’t work out. What we allow, will continue! Stop this craziness and kick his ass out once and for all. He’s a piece of shit and you deserve to be happy and live a normal life!

      Stay strong and I’d be happy to talk to you! There would be much to talk about!

      Zari xo

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