The Narcissist’s Pathological Relationship Agenda (Book Excerpt)

Hi Zari,
This was the most enlightening information I have read in my life. I feel it was God sent that I found your site. Reading all this is like removing a veil off my eyes.
Thank you so much!
Star

Hi Judy,

I’m working on an article right now about how to handle the smear campaign. Believe it or not, when they’re talking smack to everyone and anyone, this is when OUR silence has the most impact. Look for the article to be up in the next couple of days:)

The fact that he’s still there with you….we know that’s no good. Consider booking a consult with me so that we can hash this out. Enough is enough already. It’s time to change your perspective so that you can better see through his contrived “I’m sorrys” and mind fuckery. There’s no time like the present to start mentally breaking free from the nonsense.

Zari xo

Zari xo

I found this excerpt very very useful and informative to those who have not yet defined situations and people like this. BUT I found it very sexist. Every time she is describing the narc (“N”) it’s “him”, “his”, “he”. The reason I bring it up is because I’ve been in a few relationships where I have been victim to “N’s” and I am straight, so all women yes, yet, I have not really ever met any men or have ever heard of men who have the time to go through this being in a relationship (I imagine a serial killer); other than meeting people, guys and girls who seem to have borderline personality disorder. And ‘Stop Spinning, Star Breathing’? Is this just for women? The photo of the woman’s face and “When love is a lie” – the guys hand grabbing the girls? Wtf? I’ve never had or been offered any help or have heard about some guy write a book for men on N’s that are women. Or have heard about a book detaiing women as the main issue – I would find it offensive to women and not want to read it. I think it would be more appropriate to use “them”, “their”, “he or she”, “his or her”, unless you don’t want me to buy the book and I do like the excerpt (it helped me realize N’s intentions) but there is no character referred to, no situation, no example, just the guy is the villain. Help guys out too, unless the defense in this book for women against N is to become the N and attack vulnerable guys and leave the real problem at hand and start a new one. My name isn’t really Bob Evans and I didn’t read anyone else’s comments.

Your articles have saved me from yet another ride on the heartbreak train with a narcissist. My father was a narcissist, and it seems that its the only personality type I’ve been attracted to my whole life. I was married to a narcissist and though we only actually lived together 3.5 years, it took me about 15 years to quit obssessing over the WHY of it all. I loved him so much and yet I turned into this needy, whiney, insecure, suspicious individual – everything he told me I was.

25 year later, I reconnected with a guy I went to High School with and immediately fell hard for him. Long story short, I was off balance all the time, always jealous over the other people he talked about and the inconsistencies in his stories, never knew when I would see him again, and was completely seduced by his talk of “our future” together. He had a travelling job (perfect for an N!) and there were many times I’d just lose contact with him and he always had a reason why. My sister was the one who asked me if I knew what a Narcissist was and I did not. I started reading everything I could find on the internet and discovered that my boyfriend was a classic N. Scarey and sad but oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you! I set myself free – no explanation, no discussion, and though I’ve received multiple texts and about 20 emails from him since, I delete every one of them and am going no contact for the rest of my life. I must admit it is the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time and I’m often tempted to go back and read those emails that are sitting in my deleted box “just to see what he’s feeling”. So, when I am weak, I spend another hour or two reading everything I can find on N behaviors to remind myself that I just narrowly escaped another 15 years of feeling bad about myself and wondering WHY. This relationship lasted all of five months and I feel VERY proud of that. Thanks so much for a needed education.l

Hi. Looking for some advice on what happens next…my story: I think I got lucky…I fell for a woman who I now see fits all the traits of a Narcissist , and very malignant one at that (from looking back over 5 years I knew her, and what she has done since)….when she lost her condo in September 15 I need help with three teenagers who were living with me for the semester…so she presented herself as perfect step mom and happy to help. But my time, attention, and money were split between her and the three kids. By December, she took off and only came back in January when I demanded she either come back or put her stuff in storage, signing for the storage unit.as well. That’s when I saw the result of narcissitic injury I had unknowingly inflicted…the pure RAGE and blame game she played…and the gas lighting attempts….she morphed from a woman I loved….the perfect partner…into the woman who fits every single description of a female narcissist….to include me seeing the triangulation using me against her prior boyfriend and the girl she ran off with now. So….my luck was I deprived the narcissist of supply without even knowing it, created abandonment fears…and drove her off all within 2 months of her moving in..and the devaluation/discard happened after she left… Problem is, I still have her stuff at house and storage unit is full. She is in new apartment with this “Girlfriend” (my now ex gf is 39, new girl is 24 and completely brainwashed now). I know she has total control of new girl, whom she has been grooming for a year and a half, she has profiles up on sugar daddy sites, and she is giving me the silent treatment after suddenly going from raging texts to fairly calm conversation. And making jabs on FB. So……What I don’t know is what to expect next….will she try and hoover back to me…just to get her stuff? Will she abandon her stuff to avoid dealing with me? Should I break the silence to find out or just wait? She knows I care deeply for her…I’ve told her that…but she also knows she can’t gaslight me and push me around unrestricted like she can the new girl….I gave her til 1 April to get her stuff….and give me my phone back. Any guesses? If she were normal I’d say she would just come get her stuff in a Uhaul….but she’s not normal…..Thanks

I just finished reading Zari’s book, “When Love is a Lie.” I see several items within the book that my now, ex-wife, used throughout our relatively short term marriage. Her behavior took me by complete surprise. It began very subtlety with “gaslighting.” She tried to convince me I was losing my memory or had the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. She even shed the proverbial tears, minus the snotty nose. I was 50 years old at the time and a recently retired law enforcement officer. ( So, this can and does happen to just about anybody)

As things progressed she would say things such as, “it is too bad we did not meet when we were younger: we would have had wonderful children together.” Ultimately, she “insisted” I go find us a “retirement home” as I retired on an injury and she had planned on piggybacking on my retirement when she turned 59.5 years old. I found a “retirement home” on a private, peaceful secluded, beautiful 5 acres. It was a mere hour from the home we were living in and I owned. She told me, “If you sell this home, I will come live with you as a wife should ( especially when married less than 2 years).and commute an hour each way to work, until I retire. I sold the home in a mere 3 days. She responded by telling me she had leased an apartment across town, “because the commute was just too much for her.” She continued to come see me on weekends for about a year. The entire time, she always “acted” like she missed me so much etc. One day I casually mentioned that her alarm system, which she had transferred from my house to her apartment, was providing me with a manifest of her “ingress and egress” times. She went beserk. I did not understand why. Well, as time usually does, it told me why. She was seeing another man and when she turned off her alarm to let him in and reset it, she was concerned I would see that. She ultimately told me she is going to spend a week in Martha’s Vineyard..to collect her thoughts. ( vacations alone or with relatives are red flags) I told her that I knew she was not going there alone. She adamantly insisted otherwise. She disappeared for a week….no contact. Upon her return, she called and I really pushed her as to who she had gone to Martha’s vineyard with. She lied and lied and lied. Finally, she admitted she had gone with a “male friend she had known for years.” I served her divorce papers and she tried everything she could to get me to reconsider. I held fast. Ultimately, she admitted she had moved from “our home” to an apartment, because she knew she could not entertain her new friend, without the neighbor’s asking me who the new guy is. As the book states..they lie incessantly, minimize what they did when they are cornered and constantly take a discussion and turn it into a twisted mass of confusion and chaos that leaves the victim wondering, “Did that really happen, because I don’t remember it that way.” It heads the victim down the path of insanity, as the victim is constantly trying to recall what he or she cannot recall..because it never happened. Does any of this sound familiar? I wondered for over a year what was wrong with me, with her, with us. The entire time she was writing how much she missed and loved me and had found God. Oddly enough, the man she cheated with had found God as well. She was recently “bragging” about how they were both in pre-marital counseling and had signed a, “purity contract.”
( A little late for that, but what the hell..I guess) So, you are not alone and I now realize my part in this was simply being a caring, loving husband to a person who spoke the words, but had NO actions that validated the words spoken. Very tricky, conniving, manipulative people. I have forgiven her, because that is what I am trained to do. Having stated that, I will not forget what she did to me. I suggest YOU do the same, as forgiving somebody is so we can move forward, not so they can. Go about your life…these vampires cannot be fixed, despite the fact it hurts you to the core that YOU cannot fix them. Trust me, I have “fixed” many people and those afflicted with this disorder cannot be fixed. They will however make your life a living hell on earth. (They enjoy it) Hope this helps those of you in deep emotional pain. I know how bad you are hurt. You will survive!

I was married to on for over twenty-five years and when I said “I do”, I was
a horror and I kept trying to make me better but when I started to stand for
me and my belief. Thank you so much even after he divorced me and kids I
was still trying to fix me, thinking he might want me over his harem which he openly flaunts in my and adult children’s face.