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Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact (Re-post)

no-contact-narcissistIt’s been many, many months since the narcissist vanished into thin air, granting me the Grand Finale of Discards that I’d always known he’d give me on his way out some day. However, since I am always asked if it’s really possible to escape the madness, I thought I’d re-post the following article that gave my reflections on my no-contact life at 13-months. As you can see, escaping is more than a possibility and if I can do it, so can you, my friends:)

Reflections of a No-Contact Life

Well, I gotta hand it to him. As far as discards go, he certainly didn’t disappoint. Not a word since he left..no narcissistic hoovering…no nothing. Granted, I did block his ass immediately and, for the first time ever, didn’t chase him in desperation. This “break-up” simply felt different and I never looked back. But that’s not to say that I’ve had a sad, boring year of silence and tears because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, this past year, although completely free of drama and chaos, was rather interesting in its own normal kind of way. And I have much to be grateful for. So all that being true, don’t you want to know how I’ve really been feeling about all this “no contact“? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway so grab a coffee, soda, beer, what-have you and sit on back.

Okay…so, earlier today I was in a weird, bittersweet mood and I started thinking that I needed to do some reflecting and, more importantly, share those reflections with all of you. I’ve reached and slightly passed a No Contact milestone of sorts and we all know how important that can be.  So, not only did I decide that sharing reflections could possibly be helpful to readers and site visitors, I also determined that it may be therapeutic to me as well considering I really haven’t really shed an actual tear since he walked out. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it’s an excellent thing.

zari - narcissist-abuse-support

I’m not going to say there haven’t been times that I’ve been sad because there definitely has been. And during those moments, while my eyes may became a little misty, the tears never spilled over. But why haven’t I cried? Why haven’t I lost it? Why didn’t I start looking for him immediately after he pulled the ridiculous discard after a nice day together that October 3rd in 2012? Why didn’t I start power calling his phone? Why did I allow days to turn into weeks to turn into months…and then a whole year passes? I do speak in When Love Is a Lie about one time in March of 2013 where, after opening an old text message from that October that I had never read, I was so disgusted by what it said that I couldn’t help but reply to it with a simple “fuck you”, never thinking that he would have the same phone number 5 months after the Discard.  To save the explanation and show you what transpired, below is the excerpt from my book When Love Is a Lie which describes what happened:

[One afternoon at work, while playing with my phone, I came across upwards of ten unopened text messages from the N leftover from the October discard. With a knot in my stomach, I opened just one and it was as nasty as I imagined it might be. In a teeny moment of rage, I typed two little words – fuck you – as a reply and pressed “send”, never thinking for a minute that his old number would even be in service five months after the Discard. Sending it, though, was good enough for me because I went about my day and night without giving it a second thought.

Bright and early the next morning, my phone started chiming with text message notifications, one after the other. Even then, I couldn’t imagine who was texting me so early and so urgently. And, sure enough, it was the N …and here is what transpired via text over the next 12 hours:

W: OMG, I just got your message. I can’t believe that you still have hard feelings toward me.

I didn’t respond. I was in shock, I think. Several hours went by and then another text came in:

W:  btw…I’ve found God, Zari. I’ve quit drinking and I have a Pastor and a church group. Our mission is to be one with God. It’s a beautiful thing…not what you think. I’ve quit partying and I can’t be around any of that anymore.

I still couldn’t respond. He found God? Well, isn’t that the boundary of all boundaries to cross? What he found was a group of church goers in recovery who had no clue who he is and what he’d done and where he’d been. Wayne had found himself the ultimate clean slate. I’ll be damned. In thirteen years, I never heard him say a single thing about church or God or praying or anything. It was his last disgusting resort. And he went there.

W: Zari…let me help you. You know, this is a great church. I was thinking about Sky. He would love it here.

Really? You want to take my son – that wonderful person (who has a very personal relationship with God) that you basically neglected for a decade…you want to take him to church?. Now, it was on. I texted back.

Me: You found God, Wayne? Really? I’ll tell you why I don’t believe that. Because I’m pretty sure God would have wanted you to make amends with us…to say you’re sorry for what you put us through..for the years you wasted…for the lies. And by the way, Sky just had a quick chat with God and he doesn’t know who the hell you are.

W: I won’t give up on you. Think about coming to church with us. Really. It’s a beautiful thing.

The rest of the night was quiet and melancholy in a bittersweet way. I didn’t know what to think. Barbie was with me and she knew what I was feeling. It came down to the fact that he had moved on and – pretending or not – he was making it clear that he was a-okay without us. Just another reminder that, for thirteen years, love was a lie and all that time had been wasted.

Maybe he had changed. Was it possible? Could a narcissist really find God and change his evil ways? It was certainly giving me something to think about. And then the morning came and, with a text waiting, I got my answer.

W:  Z [I knew then, when he called me “Z”, that the N was alive and kicking], you want my mother to die? You want me to kill my mother? That’s it, Z. You hacked into my phone for the last time. You’re through! We’ve called the cops and they’re on they’re way. You’re done!

Me: Well, now I’m confused. Is this the real Wayne or the church-going Wayne?

W: You fucking bitch. We’re not playing. You’re going to jail.

Me: There you are! I knew it was you! So, what’s your nonsense today? Blah blah blah

No response. Then, a little later, I sent one more jab for the road…

Wait a minute! Does this mean you’re not taking us to church?

We never had contact again. I understood exactly what happened because, you see, I know who he is. Somewhere during the night and before his last text, he realized, in a panic, that I could – and probably would – expose him for everything he was if he brought me into his new circle. And he was absolutely right.]

Even after that incident – an incident, by the way, that would have wrecked my world had it happened, say, just one year earlier – I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxiety, and I didn’t try to find him. I didn’t feel a whole lot of anything…and I still don’t. It’s my lack of feelings about the whole thing that has thrown me for a loop but also made me very happy.  My madness and sadness have almost completely faded. Mind you, during the 12 years prior to this past year, I would have been inconsolable until he came back or I found him or we had communicated. I would have crawled under the covers and not come out for days. I would have been agitated and unable to work and consumed with writing letters or doing drive-bys or something. But none of this happened this last and final time. Even though I think about him daily, I can also think about and concentrate on other things throughout the course of the day with no problem. I can laugh and smile and be sociable. I can go out and do things. I can listen to music – and even to songs that were “special” to us. I can hang out with my son without feeling distracted by thoughts of what the N is doing and with who.

So, here’s what I think about this emotional “even keel” I’m on… and once again I’ll lay it out in a Q & A so that it addresses issues/questions I believe we’ve all had about our handling of situations involving our narcissistic partner:

Do I think it’s possible that I feel nothing because I’m just waiting for him to come back? This is a tough question and normally I would have to be honest and answer “yes” because it would make the most sense. However, there is something about the nothingness that I feel that makes me think differently..and that would be the fact that when I think about him coming back…when I imagine the scenario in my mind or imagine me running into him while I’m out and about or when a weird number calls and I automatically wonder whether it’s a hoover…when all those things cross my mind or occur, I still feel nothing. I don’t even get the twinge. So, no, I’d have to say that my nothingness hasn’t anything to do with me waiting for a anything.

How do I think I might be feeling in another year? Okay, this is actually a trickier question and the truth is that I still think about the N every damn day. And I’m not talking fleeting thoughts either….I think about it a lot. Now, the fact that I wrote two books and created a website around the relationship may have a lot to do with that and I do take that into consideration. I literally have to think about it everyday in order to promote, answer emails, etc. but this fact could be the very reason while I feel nothing. Has my relationship with the N turned into a business? Yes, I think it has. Hmmmm…

Do I still feel slighted…like I wasted years? Yes and no. I certainly wish I had my forties back and I’ll never forgive him for stealing that particular decade from my life but the thought doesn’t consume me anymore.

Do I ever think about revenge? Oh, sure I do…but that’s the fun part now. One favorite scenario involves me finding out what church he attends and showing up there early enough on a Sunday so that I could actually be standing at the door to greet the members of the congregation as they arrived. As they walked in, I’d hand each of them a copy of When Love Is a Lie (kinda like a church usher who hands out programs of the morning’s sermon) and say something like Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless..Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless…Good morning, .. you get the idea! Wouldn’t that just rock his church world! But I’ll never do it because he’s just not worth the trouble. Always remember that you will never beat a narcissist at his own game. We might feel evil at times with our vengeful thoughts but a narcissist is evil – and there’s an enormous difference.

So, if you had to describe, in one word, how you feel right now, what would it be? Detached – and, this, my friends is the key. I feel detached from the experience. I never thought I could ever feel detached from the narcissist in any way but I absolutely am. Zen philosophy has always talked about feeling detachment about the things that cause us grief and, for many years, I never understood the concept. I do now…and, believe me, it’s lovely. To be detached from the narcissist means that you can look back on it as if you’re watching a movie about someone else. It may make you feel sad but it doesn’t affect your life in the moment…in the here and now.

When-love-is-a-lie
Get Zari’s Book Today!

You can – and will – feel detached at some point too. Don’t give up. It will happen. It doesn’t mean that you will never think about what happened – because you will – but it will be over for you and it will feel over. And the feeling will be pain free.

I believe that, for the victim of narcissist abuse, there comes a time when it just has to end in your heart. I know now that I knew my relationship was over long before it actually ended. By the time he walked out for good, I was already detached. I had begun my recovery long before that and my reward for all that mental work is the detachment that I feel right now. You must strive to get to that point.  If you’re hurting badly right now, it’s because your heart doesn’t think its over. You must begin to fix that and the relationship doesn’t technically have to be over to do it . My second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, can get you started on the right path to recovery. I don’t have all the answers but I know what worked for me and I’m more than happy to share.

Stay strong and stay educated! Read, learn, and overcome! You deserve to be happy…..

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61 Comments

  • Lisa

    July 28, 2015 at 8:48 pm Reply

    I’m trying to do no contact but I can’t seem to even get through a day. It is completely bazaar how every one of these guys seem to be the same guy. So predictable and methodical. Mine as the same whirlwind romance moved in together 90 days after we started dating. everything was flowers and lovey for 6 months, then it was like a switch flipped. No after reading up on all of this , I recognize that was when he first cheated and began managing down my exoectations. I’ve never been the possessive, distrusting type, hell my boyfriend before went on boys weekends to Las Vegas and out of to n pub crawls and it never bothered me at all. That is how secure I was. Then Lonnie, who worked nights started disappearing while I was sleeping on his nights off, when I asked him to please just say “hey in taking off I’ll be back in a bit” he freaked out. Said he’s a grown ass man and didn’t have to report to me. I tried explaining that if kinda freaks me out that he would be there going to bed with me then I’d wake up and he’d just be gone. Thatb as the beginning of what looking back was just the first of many times he cheated.
    Long story short after 1,1/2 years of living together and me raising his kids practically on my own because he was gone all the time “for work” he stopped talking to me all of the sudden. Then came home with 2 bouquets of flowers of course making me think yayy everything is ok only to have him tell me literally right after putting them in water that he hasn’t been happy and it was over and I had to find somewhere else to live. I thought it was a joke. I literally laughed and said “shut up crazy” ha! He was stone cold serious not a flicker of any type of care at all for the tears that began and the begging and pleading to please not destroy our family. A couple days later he calls me at work, asks me to print something out that he’d sent me.. It was an amendment to our lease that stated “Lisa… Is no longer a tenant of the residence of …” He said there was no rush on me leaving and he took off 3 nights in a row leaving me with his kids till I told him that was wrong and he needed to get a babysitter for them so u could go meet up with his whoever. This silent treatment lasted about 2 months then he started inviting me (having the kids invite me) to movie night and to dinner. Then tells be he made a huge mistake and it may not have seemed like it but our break up had been soooo hard on him and can we please try again. For me it was a given. I missed my home and family so very much, id have done anything to get u life back. That lasted a few weeks… Then came a new girl, then another one. The second one must have been really important because I was literally there fri – wed when he told me straight up he has plans with someone else and I needed to leave because hey would be coming back to the house. Again I thought he is just messing with me, the. His phone lit up with a new message and it was her. She couldn’t wait to see him. I packed and she was there that night and the next 3 till he left to go back out for work.
    No contact would be amazing… But there are these 3 little boys I love as my own after raising them on my own for almost 2 years. Right now I’m the only person who is interested in jnowing how they are, what they’re doing and liking and wishing for and worrie about… I feel so bad for these kids that I love so much because these poor children have been cursed by not just one self absorbed narcissist, but TWO! BOTH of Their parents use them as pawns in their power struggle with each other abs neither want me to actually take the time to raise them… How can I have no Contact with my ex and still make sure these kids know they are special wonderful amazing people worth knowing even though neither of their parents treat them that way and both treat them as responsibilities to manage. After my ex kicked me out, he moved his mom in…sh a no better… I can’t stand the thought of them feeling like I’ve abandoned them like their parents have. I also am going crazy having to have so much contact with my ex. He messes wit my head so bad and it is like a psychic ability to know when I’m doing ok because then instant getting I love you and I miss you messages from him only to be fiolowed by cold , devoid of all feeling, throw out the garbage treatment . From one morning to after noon it can be a total opposite style. I know this is based in the availability of the new girl from all I’ve learned.
    I just don’t know what to do and I’m almost out of Xanax.
    I bought the 2 for 5.99 special, I can’t seem to get through the stop spinning book, the exercises are just so terribly hard and sad.
    I just don’t know what to do
    Today I started a no contact. I messaged him”why don’t you just say “I fucking hate you Lisa and all I want is to cause you the most mental and emotional pain and anxiety as humanly possible” then I blocked him… Then he called from a different number and I knew it was him and I stupidly answered and I was crying like crazy and I even told him I hated that he was getting to bask in the assurance that he had torn me so far down again.
    I’m sad and I’m tired, and I’m lonely, and I can’t stop spinning .

    • Lisa

      July 28, 2015 at 8:50 pm Reply

      Please excuse punctuation and misspellings, I’m typing through tears that I’ve been crying for more than an hour.

      • Zari Ballard

        July 28, 2015 at 9:39 pm Reply

        No problem! And I just posted a reply to your first post:)

        Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      July 28, 2015 at 9:38 pm Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for writing and for reading the books. I am very sorry that you are feeling so horribly. What he is doing – and has done – is very cruel indeed. Trust me, mine would act the same way. he would move in with me and then not come home for two days. It was awful. Then, when I demanded to know where he was, he’d flip out. Silent treatment after silent treatment and it nearly killed me. However, as my books tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…I promise you that. Enough is enough. Abuse is abuse and it all must stop.

      Now, the children. Look, I know how difficult that must be but you are going to have to let them go. I know that you love them but somewhere deep down in the recesses of your mind, you are hoping that they will be the key to keeping you connected to this guy. He, of course, will use them in a much worse way…as a hook to pull you back whenever he chooses. You must let it go. The children will be okay because they are resilient but you will never be okay until you cut all the ties that bind. He can not be allowed to play this game any longer. No way. It will be alright, I promise. But you simply have to step back and breath because he will always work to make sure that you’re never able to catch your breath again. It’s what they do!

      I am grateful that you are reading the books because they will comfort you, if nothing else. You are not alone. Also know that I do provide phone consultations if you ever feel the need to speak one-on-one. Sometimes it just helps to kick it around with someone who has basically had the exact same boyfriend. Often one call will make a world of difference. Otherwise, please do write anytime, sister. And BLOCK HIM from being able to contact you RIGHT NOW. There is no way that he should be allowed to pull your strings like this – it’s cruel and unusual punishment. Let the children go. At some point, parents HAVE to be parents whether they like it or not. As much as you love them, they are not your responsibility right now (it pissed me off to no end reading that he would be out and about with you babysitting!!!). YOU NEED TO SEPARATE YOURSELF AND KEEP IT SEPARATED!!

      Stay strong and know that you are not alone. I am here to support you:)

      Zari xo

    • Diana

      August 1, 2016 at 9:55 pm Reply

      Omg, i feel your pain i wish i could help. But im in the same dam boat.

  • Gene Deener

    July 6, 2015 at 4:05 pm Reply

    Its been 10 months now since my girlfriend dumped me and moved on a week later with an old college buddy. I think they are still together, not sure. These are my journal entries. I started after my wifd of 18 years left me with 2 kids for the family friend. A year and a half later, I met here after her husband bailed on her. Sorry its long.Here it is. Check this out….excuse some of the vocabulary. This is my journal for the past 2 1/2 weeks since I got my walking papers. I’m not going to act like I’m a saint, because I’m far from that. But I’m not going to sit on my ass and take all the blame either. I don’t care what everyone thinks. These are my perceptions and what has happened during the course of this relationship. Met Mish in May 2013. She was a train wreck from her separation and pending divorce. We got along well it seemed. She was sort of working but mostly relying on alimony. Husband being a jerk.Got her through a divorce and death of her mother. Helped her move her mom’s stuff out of the retirement home. Guess I came in handy for that. I couldn’t afford stuff she wanted to do for the most part. Up front with that from the start. Told her I had all the debt and all my extra was going to pay it off. My fault for not taking her away for a weekend that kids were gone. I had told her I couldn’t afford it. She said, well you alluded to it. What part of I can’t afford it, does she not understand? My fault for everything. I told her up front I couldn’t be with her 24/7 because I have a house and kids to. Her response? I have 5 kids; you only think you’re busy. WTF? I WAS TOTALLY UP FRONT WITH THAT!!People are gonna say “oh she’s so low maintenance and just wants to be with you”. Maybe in college, or in your perception, but not anymore. She’s needy, and only her needs count. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be needed, but not smothered with threats. She told me numerous times I better be careful “because she’s mean”…….yep, she is.
    Seems like once she got the coaching gig at lakes and adversity, we started drifting. Just became more busy and I understand that. I was happy for her and encouraged her to strike out and get her certs so she could teach at Lakes and become salaried. I tried my best and I know it wasn’t good enough because I’m not good enough, but it was what I thought was right. It’s like as her situation became better with all the new career stuff, I didn’t seem to matter, but if I didn’t acknowledge her, I was not treating her special. Lots of time doing tournaments and practice, doesn’t leave you open for much.
    Between tournaments and soccer time was at a premium. We have days where we didn’t see each other. Sometimes it was my bad. Sometimes the schedules went late. Never told me what her schedule was only got bits and pieces. So I would be at home waiting, and if I guessed wrong as to when she was available, my fault. She plays rec volleyball. As if she’s not busy enough. Didn’t get invited out to those either. Didn’t feel very included. Never did anything with her friends except for a few times, and those were large events. Embarrassed of me? Plus all the demands for being made to feel special and never returned it, put pressure on me, and I was never made to feel special. Never. I never stayed over her house at night. Felt weird with all the kids. My problem, I know. Couldn’t get over that.Offered to drive kids. Denied. Offered to help in anyway. Denied. Was told that she felt that she and the kids were a pain in the ass to me and that I had better things to do. Got tired of hearing that. Maybe that’s what they did become. I wanted to help, especially if we were to have a future, which I wanted. Perhaps I thought that a guy who was willing to take on her and 5 kids was something very special on its own. My love for her kept me in it. I asked all the time, continually shut down till I stopped asking. Got yelled at for trying to help put in a trash bag. Yelled at for trying to help serve food to her kids, just to help out. On top of the snarky comments as well. She blows up at her kids frequently too. Made me a tad uncomfortable.
    Had an issue with me and her son’s football practice. Her neighbor offered to take the boys to football so I wouldn’t have too, since she was free. She could drop them and I could pick them up or something. I said ok, let me check with Mish, and couldn’t get ahold of her, so we agreed to stick to original plan of me taking him. Somehow this turned out to be me feeling put out by having to do it, according to Neighbor. Mish called me on it and said one of you is lying. I told her my side and felt she thought I was the liar. They feed off of each other like that.
    Called my daughter a cock block and that I enabled her. Didn’t check on Molly when I was gone, not that she had to, but it’s what people in relationships do. I NEVER said shit about her kids crawling all over us when we tried to be alone. How about when I’m sitting at home, fighting my demons from a lifetime of war and a failed marriage where most times the only reason I’m still around is because of 2 kids, who checks on me? No one. Never once did she ever ask to talk with me about my day, or how I feel. Always about her. Passed out at work, got carted to the ER for dehydration. All I got was a “Are you ok”. No do you need anything, can I come over. Nothing. Get the typical I’m not being treated special shit. I’m not special either? I’m the one who just bounced his head off the desk!! I’m sad; I’m alone even with her. Molly had a strong attachment to Mish and that started going downhill with Mish cutting her out of her life. Never texting her or saying hi. I’m upset, but I’m not. Upset that my body hasn’t cooled and she’s already with another dude.
    Well, as this comes to an end, she has a new BF before she even broke up with me. Nice. She likes the attention, I believe, of being the mother of 5 children and her predicament. Likes being the Martyr and everyone making over her. “oh you Poor thing” or “how do you do it?” Seen it. Believe what you want to, but I think this dumping me has been planned for some time and makes me sad, was looking for a reason and that came with the final you’re not treating me special ultimatum at my kids football game. I was angry about that. It looks like my entire fault because I’m not spending enough time with her. Whatever……..
    Believe what you want. I don’t care. I gave it my best shot and it wasn’t a partnership, it was a one sided relationship, her side only. Some have said to me that she works all day and then has to come home and feed the kids, homework etc. Her schedule is of her own choosing. Not mine. When you refuse help, well then you get none. Then you have the nerve to bitch about it. Which for some I’m partly to blame, but not totally. Got kind of skittish, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
    Where do I go from here? Leave her behind and hope she disappears. New guy is in for a surprise. He may have known her for a while, but he hasn’t “known” her. Maybe that will be his cup of tea. Don’t know. All out of fucks to give on it. He can put up with her schedule and constant fibro BS and Xanax popping. Not my problem. I was willing to take it all on, all of it, but because she didn’t feel special enough or we didn’t communicate (that was one sided too), I’m tossed to the side.
    Dislikes:
    Don’t Like her Martyr syndrome
    Don’t like her attitude
    Don’t like her hectic schedule, which is of her choosing
    Don’t like how she shuts people out. (I’m guilty to)
    Don’t like her friends. Snooty
    Don’t like her me, me, me, me attitude
    Don’t like her College Degree dropping
    Don’t like her I’m a D1 athlete attitude
    Don’t like her treat me special or else
    Don’t like the damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Couldn’t seem to do anything right enough for her.
    Likes:
    Very focused coach
    Good cookWow, sat here for 15 minutes and couldn’t think of any further likes.
    Am I whining? Yep. I couldn’t tell her any of this without it being turned back on me. I don’t communicate well and don’t verbalize well, so I suck it up and deal with it, hoping it would change, she’s just under a lot of stress, so on, so forth.
    I guess deep down I knew this was over. Deep down I knew she was looking for a reason to drop me and I gave it to her. It is what it is.
    Gotta figure out a strategy to deal with her for volleyball season when she coaches Jake. Guess I will just keep my distance overall. Hopefully she won’t act out.
    Hard today to not reach out to her, but I know it would be a mistake. She’s done, she’s latched on to another
    Ex has been a big help. Believe it or not.
    I don’t like Her very much. I really don’t.
    Last night: 10:40 pm
    I can’t believe what happened. Well, I guess I can. I’m not sure if it ever would have lasted any way. While I loved you at first, you changed, then I did. Then we drifted. You had to many demands and ultimatums for me, and I never gave you any at all. I accepted your kids and prepared to take it all on. You stopped me. I was the wrong guy. I’m not in your circle. Never was. I knew that. Never felt a part of your life with your Libertyville friends. Probably why we never did anything with them. Felt like a blue collar worker at a ballet. Uncomfortable. Always. Felt alone, even with you. Not a lot of affection shown by you, at least without a threat or bargain. Sorry for wasting your time.
    Tried one last time to win her back. Went to HS VB practice with flowers and told her I loved her. She grabbed the flowers, called it in appropriate, said some bad things about me and then about Molly and walked off.Of course this is just a small part. I’ve been journaling since my divorce and find it most helpful. One thing though, she will never know about the engagement ring I got her( and since returned)
    Ive heard nothing from her except for one time her instagram account magically became public (never was when we were together) and saw a picture of her and the new guy. Like a stupid, i responded with a glad your happy, good by my love. Whoopsie, got a text from her stating i was to delete it immediately and i was being passive agressive and if i had something to say, say it to her. I replied back with a i wish yoh nothing but the best. Is it me? Am i the horrible guy? Im so damn broken still.

    sorry it’s long. Thanks
    Gene

    • Zari Ballard

      July 9, 2015 at 3:13 pm Reply

      Hi Gene,

      Wow….thanks for the journals and I “get it”. I am very sorry that you are going through the nightmare. I’ve always said that female narcissists have their male counterparts beat hands-down in the “evil” department and your story is case and point. So, rather than go on and on about how I relate (even though it’s with the reverse gender), I’d like to send you my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face in PDF format so that you can have it. I think it will help you, offer you some insight, give you some tips on getting past it, etc. I’m going to go right now and send it from my personal email to the email you’ve used when writing these posts…so please look for it.

      I’m here to support you and I hear every word that you’ve said. Read the book and share your thoughts…I’d love to hear them:)

      Zari xo

      • Gene Deener

        July 9, 2015 at 3:18 pm Reply

        Thank you so much!! I will get right on it!!

        Gene

        • Zari Ballard

          July 10, 2015 at 4:45 pm Reply

          Hope you enjoy, Gene! I’m cheerleadin’ for ya:)

          Zari xo

          • Gene Deener

            July 11, 2015 at 11:52 am

            Read it. In 10 months of NC I broke it once when her Instagram mysteriously went public(never was when we were together) and I looked. Poof, there’s a picture of her and the new guy. She looked happy, I wrote that I was glad she was happy, good bye my love. 10 minutes later, got a blistering text accusing me of being passive aggressive, delete it immediately, if you have something to say, say it to me, why would you do that, blah,blah….I responded back that I was genuinely happy for her and to drop the ego and realize that I’m glad for her. Never heard a thing back. She has not reached out in any way shape or form. As she coached my sons VB team, we made no contact except for locking eyes briefly. Seems content with the new guy. Hurtful thing was I had to go no contact with her kids whom I loved like my own. You mention how they really don’t have an interest in your life. How true. Never asked how my day was, but sure got an earful of hers. Spent 26 years in the Navy and have numerous decorations. Never asked what they were for. It was frightening reading that book. It made me sad, angry and just feeling like a bag of shit. Thank you for helping us guys out. If only the good women only knew about us good guys. Right now, I’m afraid to leave my house to go out. I’m working on that, just fearful of running into them. Thank you again!!
            Gene

          • Zari Ballard

            July 13, 2015 at 1:31 pm

            Gene wrote…Thank you for helping us guys out. If only the good women only knew about us good guys We do, Gene. We count on it:)

            Hi Gene,

            Although we always say not to contact the ex no matter how hard it is not to, I’m glad that you did it the way that you did. Calm and cool. Now leave it at that because right now you had the last word. Try to find comfort in that, my friend. And I know how it is about going out into the world. I live in a small town and, even though it’s been 2 1/2 years since I laid eyes on him, I think about it every time I have to venture out. You are not alone in that by any means. The fear fades, of course, and you do realize that the chance of an encounter isn’t as high as you think. So much of our fear is in our mind. Now, having said that, there’s nothing wrong with laying low and getting your head together before taking on the world again. Time heals all wounds if we only allow it.

            Stay strong, brother! I’m here for you…

            Zari xo

  • Sherry Gray

    June 6, 2015 at 9:51 am Reply

    Thanks so much for sharing your experiences! It has helped me to see and be reminded of what I am dealing with. My goal is to set strong boundaries. I will become one of those people a narcissist won’t even think of going near!

    • Zari Ballard

      June 10, 2015 at 5:36 pm Reply

      Hi Sherry,

      I’m always grateful to help in any way that I can:) And yes, committing to our boundaries is BY FAR our best protection against the narcissistic predator. Stay strong and stay the course…I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Rose

    May 29, 2015 at 1:29 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I dated my narcissist 20 years ago. It was good, bad, and ugly. When I finally walked away…I knew I was never going back. Back then I didn’t know what he was. No one talked about it. I just called him crazy. I did No Contact for 19 years without knowing what no contact meant. In retrospect when I look back, I see he actually was still around – strange phone calls and the such – but I completely blocked him from my mind so even my suspicions wouldn’t enter into my conscious mind.

    And then something stupid happened…he directly contacted me after 19 years. He hoovered me after 19 years.!!! I ignored him. I blocked him. But then people talked me into giving him a second chance. Maybe I had been wrong. We had both been young and stupid. Surely 19 years changes a man.!!! hahahahahaha…

    Sure it changes him. He gets better at his game. Whatever, whoever I had thought he was back then in our twenties…he actually still was and had never changed. Except this time, I also was smarter and more experienced and had been on this merry go round before. This time, there were so many blogs, books, websites about narcissists and sociopaths that I was able to finally call him for what he was. Well not to his face, but to myself.

    And I realized I had been right all those years ago. Of course, at the end my friends couldn’t wait for me to leave him. In their minds, someone so evil couldn’t have possibly existed, but he did exist. I’ve restarted No Contact again…If I could do 19 years when I didn’t know what he was. I sure can do it now when I know what he is. Thanks for your blog posts. They are extremely insightful.

    ~Rose

    • Zari Ballard

      June 5, 2015 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Hi Rose,

      Wow…19 YEARS???? Thanks for the heads up! LOL Isn’t that amazing? I’ve heard that so many times…ten, fifteen, even 20 years later, they hoover. It’s almost as if they wait as long as possible so that the memory of how awful they were is just a speck in your brain. A girlfriend I had was always amazed at the amount of patience narcissists have with themselves…meaning they are willing to wait years if they have to before reappearing. This is why it always seems like Wow…it’s as if we saw each other yesterday! because, to them, it WAS only yesterday. In the same manner that a narcissist neither love nor hates you any more than he does a stranger, hoovering after 19 years is the same to him as it would be after 19 weeks or 19 frigging minutes! Seriously, when we accept all these anomalies for what they are, it becomes clear how completely unfixable this person really is.

      Thanks for reading and for your continued support of the website…..

      Zari xo

  • Joanne

    May 17, 2015 at 5:57 am Reply

    My husband went into a behavioral center after taking a bottle of pills and being diagnosed severely depressed. (I’m thinking it was all for attention) When he came out 6 days later he went straight to his brothers and sent me a text that he wanted his life back for me to enjoy my beautiful family (we have no children together) that he would help me financially so I could make the transition without him. Two days later after he came and got most of his belongings and left no money, I texted his brothers phone and asked why he had not left me any money. His response was…. I really do not owe you anything, I gave you my life for 16 years. He said he was getting a phone the next day and we would talk then. We’ll have not heard a word from him. It’s been 4 weeks. He left his van on my co workers property after I had told him before he left me that it needed to be moved. I have found out he was seeing someone immediately after leaving the hospital and moving in with his brother. I do not know what to expect. Has he discarded me for good? (It isn’t the first time) or will he turn up or text me again? He has unresolved issues here. Should I assume it is over and just move on? I do not plan on taking him back if he showed up anyway, just would like to know what to expect. What do you think from your experience?

    • Zari Ballard

      May 31, 2015 at 2:50 pm Reply

      Hi Joanne,

      Thank you for writing and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I am sorry for what this guy has put you through but it sounds so familiar to me. It’s very possible that since you’ve written, he’s contacted you once again. I expect he will as the experience of living at his brothers and life with the new girlfriend gets old. However, don’t wait for him. You ask if I think he will return and if you should move on but I think that it shouldn’t matter and you should kick his memory to the curb. Don’t get me wrong…I understand full well how you feel because my relationship dragged for 13-years. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please download it from Amazon. It’s cheap, easy to read, and you will be amazed how similar our lives have been. We all apparently loved the same dude.

      I hope that you can make it on your own, sister. Don’t expect any closure because you’ll never get any. I remember mine walked out one Xmas morning screaming “I just want to go back to my normal life!” after he’d just ruined mine for God knows how many years at that point. He left us with nothing and could have cared less. Of course, he popped back in months later as if he’d just gone for a walk and why the hell was the door locked! It’s impossible for us to wrap our heads around the pathology of these creatures but it is what it is. If you think about it, he really doesn’t have any unresolved issues with you. Sure, he may have what we would consider moral issues because of all the years involved but he will never see it that way. If he has his belongings and you have no kids together, then he basically has no reason to return until he has a reason to return, know what I mean?

      What you have to remember is this and do not forget it: a narcissist only returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused. No matter what he tells you, that is the ONLY reason. Understand this and ask yourself if that is okay with you. At some point we have to ask ourselves if this is how we want to spend the rest of our short lives. He will never ever change and you deserve to be happy.

      Let me know how you’re doing and, again, I’m sorry for the delay in responding. If you can, read the book. It may just change your life. If nothing else, it will definitely change your perspective of what you are going through.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Joanne

        May 31, 2015 at 3:19 pm Reply

        Thank you Zari for responding to my comment. He did contact me only to ask me to sign falsified divorce papers which say we have been separated since 2011 when in fact he left me in April with all of the bills. Needless to say those papers are with my lawyer. He says he wants the divorce and there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He said I have nothing he wants! He blames me for all of his problems and says the girl is just a “cool friend” yeah!! Whatever!! I am sure I need to add your book to the collection I am reading at the moment! I need all of the help I can get.

        • Zari Ballard

          May 31, 2015 at 4:03 pm Reply

          Hi Joanne,

          Let the guy have his divorce. I know it’s painful but time really does heal all wounds. Get my book because I guarantee it will make a difference. It’s a non-clinical, straight-up look at these creatures and their behaviors – through my eyes and the story of my own 13-year nightmare. No psycho babble about what narcissism is and isn’t. It’s a different approach and one you will surely relate to.

          Keep me informed and don’t fight him – let your lawyer do it. Take him to court and get him for everything he’s got that you’re owed, the bills, etc. Narcissists count on their intimidation and manipulation tactics to get away with things. It’s crazy how any girl would be okay with harboring this guy who basically abandoned his wife. They deserve each other (because, yes, they are together). He’s lucky you haven’t shown up at his front door but, strangely enough, the women that a narcissist dumps rarely do that. They have it all worked out, don’t they?

          Good luck, sister, and let me know what happens!

          Zari xo

          • Joanne

            June 1, 2015 at 4:04 pm

            I have a question. Twice I have made the comment to professionals that I think my husband may be a Narcisist and both professionals one a therapist and one my lawyer said, well he could be but he was also on drugs at the time and addicts sometimes show narcisistic signs. Are there any signs or systems that stand out that would show Narcisism that would be displayed regardless? I’m just trying to understand. Zari I did purchase your book. I am reading it now, and I have already seen my husband in the book

          • Zari Ballard

            June 6, 2015 at 12:06 am

            Hi Joanne,

            I’ll tell you this…I don’t really mention it in the book but my ex was both a drinker and a drug user. I’m not going to lie and say I never partied with him because I did but he went over-the-top and THEN started to blame all of his behaviors on the substance abuse. So, he would quit and things would be good for a minute and then he’d behave the same way even when sober. It’s all a lie. believe me, I watched this very carefully because I was looking for an excuse as well. I really WISHED I could have blamed his evilness on the drugs but there was no way. The truth is that no one just BECOMES a narcissist. It’s impossible. A guy isn’t “normal” and then starts exhibiting narcissistic behaviors after becoming an addict. I realize it’s a fine line and I even understand why therapists might say this (although I feel that’s an incorrect way of looking at it) but I know what I know. I’ve known MANY addicts in my life and even dated OTHER addicts over the years, and I’m sorry, it’s just not the same. The behavior of narcissists goes much deeper than that and this is why I left much of it out of the book. I did not want to confuse the issue. And I don’t want you to be confused about it either.

            The point of everything is what he has done and what he is doing now. He is NOT going to change even if he goes completely sober so do not spend a whole lot of time trying to understand this. Narcissists do what they do because it is who they are. I know it’s hard to wrap our heads around it but it is what it is. Do not try to find excuses for his behavior because he has none. He is a bad person and what he is doing right now is despicable and cruel. Let him go. YOU are not the problem and his “bad” is as good as its ever going to get, sister.

            Stay strong!

            Zari xo

  • Carrie

    May 5, 2015 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Well after reading all this I’m a little confused again. I have or had or maybe still have a friend. Whom I suspect is s N but that conversation you mentioned after telling him tof off (my keypad is not working great so please ignore any mispellings and letters that look like they don’t belong ) anyway Im afraid that maybe I would appear to be like the N you described to my friend . however I think anybody can display traits of any personality disorder , that doesnt make it so. Do you think kwybe he missed you and possibly just wanted to combine a life with you but in the new life and way he has found? And he got mad you rejected him flat out? However I do totally agree with all you said regarding him and how he should have apologized and already made amends now that he found god. I know that from my personal experience and relationship with god there is just no way I’d get away or escape from any convictions no matter how small or large they are.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 6, 2015 at 1:56 pm Reply

      Hi Carrie,

      No, he didn’t miss me at all…he just threw a nicety out there to see see if I’d take the bait. First of all, I sent the text to him (which I shouldn’t have) in response to a nasty text he’d sent to me that I had never opened until that day. The whole point is that when I “rejected” him, he went from being a God-loving whatever to accusing me of hacking in his phone and threatening to call the cops. Same old shit. I didn’t really expect any apology and I should have never sent the initial “fuck you” text to get it all started. After 13-years together, I’d been in the same scenario hundreds of times. Narcissists are never sincere and it should never be expected. Moreover, they do have a way of getting us to participate in the madness. In many ways, by the end, we are doing the same things in our reactions to their behaviors and this is why we simply have to get out and stay out.

      And as for the “God” aspect, narcissists love to claim that they have “found God” as if it wipes their slate clean. The charade never lasts long and before you know it, they aren’t even mentioning God and things are right back to how they were. It was my bad to have sent that text but the “conversation” played out in exactly the same way that it always had.

      Thank you for writing….

      Zari xo

      • Carrie

        May 6, 2015 at 2:42 pm Reply

        I totally get where you’re coming from, and I would have done and said the same thing too.
        I think there’s a point I’m getting at soon maybe now which is how I know how hard a simple thing such as communication can become between people , especially males and females and all I want to say kind of goes along the lines of how my mother firmly believes in her heart if the justice system was up to her, she would just much rather see a guilty person go free than see an innocent man pay and pay and by along those lines I just mean I know how deeply it could hurt someone else just as bad as it would deeply hurt me for someone I love so much and care about to believe such a drastic and without a professionalddegree no less be diagnosing me or vice versa as a Narcissistic / psycho or sociopath.
        Yeah I know .. To a said person who fits the mold and is as such obviously wouldn’t give one let alone two shits if anyone says it is so with that person. But I know how we all at times wear masks and we all show or not show any emptions In our own ways and in our own times. This is why I totally believe in the pricipals of therapy whether individually , couples counseling and or family. Its easy , so damn easy to get so upset and fed up and hurt and angry and any other emotions within the circle that its a blessing and a huge relief and a weight finally lifted to finally understand the reasons and causes that make up the awful pain pyramids that crumble . believe me I get it.
        I’m not even trying to argue or say you’re wrong . not at all. You know best. I think I just feel the need to say this for those of us who aren’t so sure and very impressionable and its so easy to point a finger and have that Aha! Moment, but it also may come back and bite you or let’s say I know it has for me and life is just way too short. But know when to leave em and move on . you did the best possible thing actually that you could have done which is letting him go. Trust me , I know he got mad and was hurt and reacted like a jerk . but I promise you this , someday when and if there is the over side we all get to , is a huge thank you and amends party and we will all get to be crying tears of joy as we all cry our last tears of so much pain.

        • Zari Ballard

          May 18, 2015 at 5:42 pm Reply

          Hi Carrie,

          I understand what you are saying as well except that in these cases, there is no mistaking the level of deception. When we spend any length of time with a narcissist, we completely forget what’s normal human behavior and what isn’t. NOTHING about a narcissist’s behavior is normal. Sure, each of us has narcissistic qualities but the very definition of these particular qualities and the way in which our having these qualities might affect someone we love is DIFFERENT. Where we stop and a narcissist begins is at the point that we won’t cross that line (whatever it may be) and the narcissist simply hops over it again and again and again. The characteristics are rock solid and can not be denied. The women and men who find their way to my blog are those who are shell-shocked that all of our lives are interchangeable. The “aha” moment often happens – as it did for me – in a split second and SIMPLY CAN NOT BE DENIED. There is no way that a person can, for example, be experiencing silent treatments and then discover narcissism and think that their silent treatments must somehow be different. A silent treatment is a silent treatment. Disappearances are disappearances. Secrets are secrets. Pathology is pathology. Spending holidays alone because a partner always happens to vanish during that time of year is what it is. Once we “get it”, there’s no going back. They all adhere to the same pathological agenda.

          Now, having said that, once we know what this person is there are many things that can happen. For instance, 1) we can stay hoping that we can fix it or that we can “love” them out of their bad behavior (never happens), 2) we can pretend that “my silent treatment is not as bad as yours”, 3) we can choose to believe the Lie just one more time hoping it’s the last time, 4) we can let it all go and live in a state of compassion and denial no matter how he/she treats us (because it never changes)….on and on and on. I can see how you can read that one article and the one little piece of conversation and take it as face value but My God I had those same conversations for 13-years. It was the same thing over and over and over. I already doubted everything and took him back and apologized for nothing and thought I could fix him. There is nothing that can be done for him – at least not by me.

          Now it’s very possible that your partner is not a narcissist after all and that alone may be your “aha” moment. I believe that those who are truly experiencing what it’s like to suffer emotionally at the hands of a narcissistic partner will know instantly whether the behaviors fit. What they do with that knowledge…well, who knows…but they will KNOW nonetheless. My point is that we have no clue how long we are on this earth. If victims tell themselves that “Oh we’re all narcissistic in some way” and therefore we have to be compassionate for all those deemed to be narcissists, what good can ever come of that? The narcissist DOES NOT CARE HOW FORGIVING AND COMPASSIONATE YOU ARE. If it made a difference, I’d be all for it. Trust me, I have had my share of NORMAL long-term relationships that ended “badly” so I KNOW the difference. I can actually remain friends with those exes. The narcissist…no way…because he was never my friend to begin with…not even during the good times. There is even an enormous difference between a NORMAL guy who cheats and a cheating narcissist. Now I see it and I’m laying out the facts so that hopefully others will NOT make the same mistakes that I did. I’m not sure if you’ve read my book When Love Is a Lie but it goes into great detail about all of that.

          Anyway, thank you for the response and I am never “offended” by those who disagree at all. In fact, I welcome the opportunity to explain my way of thinking. I’m just saying that there comes a point where we have to ask ourselves if this is really the way we want to live out our lives…the way we want to be treated forever. How long do we wait, forgiving and forgetting and trying to bargain with our feelings about how we’re all alike so who are we to judge and not give another chance? That’s EXACTLY how a narcissists gets away with what he does. He relies on us to act normally and then he takes advantage of it. If we forgave him yet again on the chance that well, maybe this time he really means he’s sorry and who am I to judge another and then after two weeks of the same old shit, he disappears again, and then the NEXT day, the world ends or nearly ends or we lose someone or WE die, how could anyone possibly justify wasting that little time we had left when we knew from HISTORY what was going to happen?? Anyway, that’s my rant….HAHA!!

          Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Katie

    February 8, 2015 at 4:28 pm Reply

    Detachment! I love that you addressed this feeling and what a blissful suprise it is! Recovering from an N is so profoundly painful and haunting, and seems to linger on and on…..when the day finally arrives that a memory, an old photo, or an old email don’t make you feel anything…ANYTHING…it is shocking and awesome. This blew me away, when it hit me that I was no longer effected by his ghost. It was a pivotal moment for me in which I finally acknowledged what a badass I am. At 34 years old, I finally saw how strong I am…..I could bench a semi!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 14, 2015 at 4:46 am Reply

      Katie wrote…Detachment…..At 34 years old, I finally saw how strong I am…..I could bench a semi! Right on!!!!! I love that, girl:)

      Zari xo

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