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Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact (Re-post)

no-contact-narcissistIt’s been many, many months since the narcissist vanished into thin air, granting me the Grand Finale of Discards that I’d always known he’d give me on his way out some day. However, since I am always asked if it’s really possible to escape the madness, I thought I’d re-post the following article that gave my reflections on my no-contact life at 13-months. As you can see, escaping is more than a possibility and if I can do it, so can you, my friends:)

Reflections of a No-Contact Life

Well, I gotta hand it to him. As far as discards go, he certainly didn’t disappoint. Not a word since he left..no narcissistic hoovering…no nothing. Granted, I did block his ass immediately and, for the first time ever, didn’t chase him in desperation. This “break-up” simply felt different and I never looked back. But that’s not to say that I’ve had a sad, boring year of silence and tears because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, this past year, although completely free of drama and chaos, was rather interesting in its own normal kind of way. And I have much to be grateful for. So all that being true, don’t you want to know how I’ve really been feeling about all this “no contact“? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway so grab a coffee, soda, beer, what-have you and sit on back.

Okay…so, earlier today I was in a weird, bittersweet mood and I started thinking that I needed to do some reflecting and, more importantly, share those reflections with all of you. I’ve reached and slightly passed a No Contact milestone of sorts and we all know how important that can be.  So, not only did I decide that sharing reflections could possibly be helpful to readers and site visitors, I also determined that it may be therapeutic to me as well considering I really haven’t really shed an actual tear since he walked out. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it’s an excellent thing.

zari - narcissist-abuse-support

I’m not going to say there haven’t been times that I’ve been sad because there definitely has been. And during those moments, while my eyes may became a little misty, the tears never spilled over. But why haven’t I cried? Why haven’t I lost it? Why didn’t I start looking for him immediately after he pulled the ridiculous discard after a nice day together that October 3rd in 2012? Why didn’t I start power calling his phone? Why did I allow days to turn into weeks to turn into months…and then a whole year passes? I do speak in When Love Is a Lie about one time in March of 2013 where, after opening an old text message from that October that I had never read, I was so disgusted by what it said that I couldn’t help but reply to it with a simple “fuck you”, never thinking that he would have the same phone number 5 months after the Discard.  To save the explanation and show you what transpired, below is the excerpt from my book When Love Is a Lie which describes what happened:

[One afternoon at work, while playing with my phone, I came across upwards of ten unopened text messages from the N leftover from the October discard. With a knot in my stomach, I opened just one and it was as nasty as I imagined it might be. In a teeny moment of rage, I typed two little words – fuck you – as a reply and pressed “send”, never thinking for a minute that his old number would even be in service five months after the Discard. Sending it, though, was good enough for me because I went about my day and night without giving it a second thought.

Bright and early the next morning, my phone started chiming with text message notifications, one after the other. Even then, I couldn’t imagine who was texting me so early and so urgently. And, sure enough, it was the N …and here is what transpired via text over the next 12 hours:

W: OMG, I just got your message. I can’t believe that you still have hard feelings toward me.

I didn’t respond. I was in shock, I think. Several hours went by and then another text came in:

W:  btw…I’ve found God, Zari. I’ve quit drinking and I have a Pastor and a church group. Our mission is to be one with God. It’s a beautiful thing…not what you think. I’ve quit partying and I can’t be around any of that anymore.

I still couldn’t respond. He found God? Well, isn’t that the boundary of all boundaries to cross? What he found was a group of church goers in recovery who had no clue who he is and what he’d done and where he’d been. Wayne had found himself the ultimate clean slate. I’ll be damned. In thirteen years, I never heard him say a single thing about church or God or praying or anything. It was his last disgusting resort. And he went there.

W: Zari…let me help you. You know, this is a great church. I was thinking about Sky. He would love it here.

Really? You want to take my son – that wonderful person (who has a very personal relationship with God) that you basically neglected for a decade…you want to take him to church?. Now, it was on. I texted back.

Me: You found God, Wayne? Really? I’ll tell you why I don’t believe that. Because I’m pretty sure God would have wanted you to make amends with us…to say you’re sorry for what you put us through..for the years you wasted…for the lies. And by the way, Sky just had a quick chat with God and he doesn’t know who the hell you are.

W: I won’t give up on you. Think about coming to church with us. Really. It’s a beautiful thing.

The rest of the night was quiet and melancholy in a bittersweet way. I didn’t know what to think. Barbie was with me and she knew what I was feeling. It came down to the fact that he had moved on and – pretending or not – he was making it clear that he was a-okay without us. Just another reminder that, for thirteen years, love was a lie and all that time had been wasted.

Maybe he had changed. Was it possible? Could a narcissist really find God and change his evil ways? It was certainly giving me something to think about. And then the morning came and, with a text waiting, I got my answer.

W:  Z [I knew then, when he called me “Z”, that the N was alive and kicking], you want my mother to die? You want me to kill my mother? That’s it, Z. You hacked into my phone for the last time. You’re through! We’ve called the cops and they’re on they’re way. You’re done!

Me: Well, now I’m confused. Is this the real Wayne or the church-going Wayne?

W: You fucking bitch. We’re not playing. You’re going to jail.

Me: There you are! I knew it was you! So, what’s your nonsense today? Blah blah blah

No response. Then, a little later, I sent one more jab for the road…

Wait a minute! Does this mean you’re not taking us to church?

We never had contact again. I understood exactly what happened because, you see, I know who he is. Somewhere during the night and before his last text, he realized, in a panic, that I could – and probably would – expose him for everything he was if he brought me into his new circle. And he was absolutely right.]

Even after that incident – an incident, by the way, that would have wrecked my world had it happened, say, just one year earlier – I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxiety, and I didn’t try to find him. I didn’t feel a whole lot of anything…and I still don’t. It’s my lack of feelings about the whole thing that has thrown me for a loop but also made me very happy.  My madness and sadness have almost completely faded. Mind you, during the 12 years prior to this past year, I would have been inconsolable until he came back or I found him or we had communicated. I would have crawled under the covers and not come out for days. I would have been agitated and unable to work and consumed with writing letters or doing drive-bys or something. But none of this happened this last and final time. Even though I think about him daily, I can also think about and concentrate on other things throughout the course of the day with no problem. I can laugh and smile and be sociable. I can go out and do things. I can listen to music – and even to songs that were “special” to us. I can hang out with my son without feeling distracted by thoughts of what the N is doing and with who.

So, here’s what I think about this emotional “even keel” I’m on… and once again I’ll lay it out in a Q & A so that it addresses issues/questions I believe we’ve all had about our handling of situations involving our narcissistic partner:

Do I think it’s possible that I feel nothing because I’m just waiting for him to come back? This is a tough question and normally I would have to be honest and answer “yes” because it would make the most sense. However, there is something about the nothingness that I feel that makes me think differently..and that would be the fact that when I think about him coming back…when I imagine the scenario in my mind or imagine me running into him while I’m out and about or when a weird number calls and I automatically wonder whether it’s a hoover…when all those things cross my mind or occur, I still feel nothing. I don’t even get the twinge. So, no, I’d have to say that my nothingness hasn’t anything to do with me waiting for a anything.

How do I think I might be feeling in another year? Okay, this is actually a trickier question and the truth is that I still think about the N every damn day. And I’m not talking fleeting thoughts either….I think about it a lot. Now, the fact that I wrote two books and created a website around the relationship may have a lot to do with that and I do take that into consideration. I literally have to think about it everyday in order to promote, answer emails, etc. but this fact could be the very reason while I feel nothing. Has my relationship with the N turned into a business? Yes, I think it has. Hmmmm…

Do I still feel slighted…like I wasted years? Yes and no. I certainly wish I had my forties back and I’ll never forgive him for stealing that particular decade from my life but the thought doesn’t consume me anymore.

Do I ever think about revenge? Oh, sure I do…but that’s the fun part now. One favorite scenario involves me finding out what church he attends and showing up there early enough on a Sunday so that I could actually be standing at the door to greet the members of the congregation as they arrived. As they walked in, I’d hand each of them a copy of When Love Is a Lie (kinda like a church usher who hands out programs of the morning’s sermon) and say something like Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless..Good morning, here’s a book for you. Enjoy the service and God Bless…Good morning, .. you get the idea! Wouldn’t that just rock his church world! But I’ll never do it because he’s just not worth the trouble. Always remember that you will never beat a narcissist at his own game. We might feel evil at times with our vengeful thoughts but a narcissist is evil – and there’s an enormous difference.

So, if you had to describe, in one word, how you feel right now, what would it be? Detached – and, this, my friends is the key. I feel detached from the experience. I never thought I could ever feel detached from the narcissist in any way but I absolutely am. Zen philosophy has always talked about feeling detachment about the things that cause us grief and, for many years, I never understood the concept. I do now…and, believe me, it’s lovely. To be detached from the narcissist means that you can look back on it as if you’re watching a movie about someone else. It may make you feel sad but it doesn’t affect your life in the moment…in the here and now.

When-love-is-a-lie
Get Zari’s Book Today!

You can – and will – feel detached at some point too. Don’t give up. It will happen. It doesn’t mean that you will never think about what happened – because you will – but it will be over for you and it will feel over. And the feeling will be pain free.

I believe that, for the victim of narcissist abuse, there comes a time when it just has to end in your heart. I know now that I knew my relationship was over long before it actually ended. By the time he walked out for good, I was already detached. I had begun my recovery long before that and my reward for all that mental work is the detachment that I feel right now. You must strive to get to that point.  If you’re hurting badly right now, it’s because your heart doesn’t think its over. You must begin to fix that and the relationship doesn’t technically have to be over to do it . My second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, can get you started on the right path to recovery. I don’t have all the answers but I know what worked for me and I’m more than happy to share.

Stay strong and stay educated! Read, learn, and overcome! You deserve to be happy…..

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61 Comments

  • cuckoo4cocopuffs

    August 16, 2018 at 2:45 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,
    I’ve really enjoyed and healed quickly by reading your sage and often comical (love the potty mouth) advice and accounts.
    I’m young for a disability I have and hired a ‘wonderful’ Frenchman with a background in care-giving to help me not do things that would hurt my health. A few weeks later he brought the drama of his marriage-divorce-immigrant abuse situation into my house on a daily basis, along with a lot of charisma, and I spent precious time helping him to remedy it – until I’d had enough and asked him to not tell me about stressful or negative things unless I could do something about. He watched and listened like a cat studying a mouse, including going from saying he didn’t believe in a higher power to talking about God like I did and your N did, such mockery but I thought it harmless if he was ‘trying on God’ for size. He received more and more time off with pay for his dramas, counseling, sleep deprivation, ect. and quickly came to believe it was owed to him- though this went unspoken. I encouraged him to spend some time on film sets as this is my background and I thought he could make a career in it, also benefit from the creative atmosphere ans ‘new people’. Suddenly his truck broke down on the way back from a recurring role he landed and he forced a 2-3 day 48-72 hour shift with a high need client onto my delicately planned schedule, declaring he needed the money to replace it- and showed his first fangs of arrogance when I said I’d accept his resignation by asking why I was jealous of the other client and complaining about how much work he did on this job compared to being paid to sleep on the other job. He even issued a veiled threat about my occasionally watching friends pets while they were on vacation and his helping me there (which I never forgot)- laughable since my coordinator had originally met me there and thought it was great that I had a change of venue to such a lovely place. When that got him nowhere, he changed his tune suddenly and took me out to lunch, made up for some money he owed me for movie set wardrobe and begged me to be patient while he ‘got caught up’. He’d had the audacity to ask if I needed a loan when I originally requested the money back for the set wardrobe back (which I never forgot either). When I didn’t fire him he continued with the other client weeks after we had spent hours creating an e-mail detailing dates he would not be available to accommodate my pre-set (months in advance) schedule and asking for him be a fill in rather than a main team member for this client. Instead of sending the e-mail he e-mailed me report of how the client offered to up his pay and benefits, along with buying some of his artwork and allowing time off for filming- sending me into a state over my upcoming plans. When I asked if he was resigning, he replied that he would ‘honor’ (agg!) his emotional commitment and work with me over the other client’s generous offers. Luckily I’d saved replies from an employment post a month ago when I meant to fire him or accept his resignation – between the arrogance, threat, not sending the Dear John letter and the bribery e-mail, I longer believed him. I had created a pro-con list before the bribes came in that had instigated the Dear John e-mail which was never sent. At the time he concluded long term employment and ability to perform the recurring role were better than the short term employment, long shifts, and no possibility of film. I came to understand that the situation was completely all about him and that he’d gone from benign to malignant N when he took casting calls with less than 24 hours notice and had worked 8 days of the past 12 outside of employment with me and was harming my health, also not caring how I was going to account for 40 hours of pay with his paystubs reflecting other work on the same dates. I reconnected with an employment candidate and sent of the paperwork late on a WED, still deciding in my mind if I was being fair while the package was received and processed- but 85% sure I was doing the right thing. My coordinator had thrown in an evaluation which would determine the hours I could offer and I told him not to send the Dear John letter (3 weeks after he promised to and my belief in him was waning along with my health) – so I’d done a new spreadsheet including the bribe offers of the other client plus the stand-in, recurring role and other potential income from film film and television if the other client was ‘sincere’ about letting him off for it. Nobody in their right mind would choose this job over the other client with the new offer- YET he still maintained that he wanted to work for me, planned to send the Dear John e-mail (gee, only 5 weeks later) and would even give up film if it didn’t work with my schedule and didn’t care if there were less hours. When I let him go last FRI, he was shocked, angry outside of any normal firing and called me a ‘liar’ for not telling him ‘what it was really about’ repeatedly demanding what it was. I assured him it was about the other offers being better, my declining my health, almost no help and that the anxiety hadn’t left my chest for too long a time. He also called me ‘manipulative’, ‘selfish’, said ‘everything was all about me’ and that I was making him give up on everything, including his citizenship and that he would go back to France because ‘people here’ had treated him so badly. He held his head in dismay when I told him it was the best account of projection that I’d experienced, since none of those insults had anything to do with the generosity I’d shown him. I’d gone to my neighbor who had also come to like him the night before for some brotherly advice, who himself had an abusive x-wife in his past – also had offered advice to N, and he gave me an entirely different story from N about how he and his wife met. Apparently the story he told me was the one they-he used with immigration, that they’d met via mutual friends who’d rented from him in France, whereas they’d met on the internet and he’d come to the US to marry someone he’d never even met. He’d also lied to me and said he didn’t have a motorcycle because I’d had 2 friends barely recover from accidents, then viola! he shows up with the motorcycle when his truck broke down.
    So I’m proud to be the lying, selfish, all about me, manipulative fake friend he claims I am. After some thought, I think he felt I’d uncovered a side affair he was having on his wife somehow and that I for some reason was jealous of it and fired him for it. The week before firing him my Windows 10 tablet went ballistic with security alerts and locked itself,during the time he was working. He acted like a caught 4 year old saying he didn’t even have a USB with him (with a wounded lower lip out) and came up with all sorts of ridiculous accounts for what had happened. I checked my log and found his cell phone was attached to the USB rejection notice. Obviously he hadn’t studied me carefully enough to know how computer savvy I am. I’d played back a short story I’d written in Final Draft and was going to let him animate it for the son he never sees in another country. I guess the temptation was simply too much for N to resist ‘lifting’ it.
    The anxiety I was mortally concerned about left my chest immediately, slept through each night ever since – and I’ve been on the high you mentioned though have experienced patches of missing the time and friendship I thought I had with him. N’s can overwhelm you with both good and bad experiences which are difficult to sort out even after you’ve kicked them out or they’ve moved onto the next source. Since I knew I was dealing with an N, I made letting go be all about his best interests (which were true, if the bribes were true) offering my continued friendship and an employment recommendation (saying he resigned) if he needed it. Even though there is a void I’m dealing with, I hope the silent treatment and the ‘I’m not signing a resignation letter. You fired me- have a good one’ is the last of it. Although – he still has my movie set case and I a garden tool of his, so there is a chance he will darken my doorstep, and I do mean ‘darken’.
    Any recommendations on how to conclude the healing process for 6 months of N?

    • Zari Ballard

      September 17, 2018 at 3:15 pm Reply

      Hi cukoo4cocopuffs (love the name! lol),

      Will he “darken” your doorstep? Possibly..if for nothing else than for that garden tool! All you would have to do is not answer even if that means putting your fingers in your ears to block out his poor, pathetic knocking. I did it for months at a time. Eventually, the time between hoovers gets farther and farther apart, It sounds as if you are doing okay so i would just stay on that path and never waiver, day by day. One day, the clouds just move away and the sun comes out and you realize the spell is broken. The way your situation ended…the “best interest” firing…is perfect and should postpone any hoover for awhile as it obviously has. But then there’s the issue of that damn garden tool!! Hmmmm….would it make a good temporary lawn decoration or is there a piece of dirt out front you can stick it in so if he does happen to come by, he’ll get the message, take it and slither off? haha!

      You are doing great so far and I so appreciate you sharing your story. The shenanigans of these idiots never cease to amaze me. I wish for nothing more than your heart to heal….

      Zari xo

      • cuckoo4cocopuffs

        September 17, 2018 at 4:16 pm Reply

        Thanks Zari- for responding to my rambling – LOL!
        Just read it and could see what a state I was in, trying not to fall down the N rabbit hole~
        Luckily I’m on a trip to Europe with little time to consider him, though even with everything going on N still manages to infiltrate my thoughts. The blog on Quora is so helpful, usually an account to help N targets through a ‘patch’ of mind control and onto self-promoting ideals.
        I’ve known a LOT of Ns doing film work and get a kick out of their stories, even dated one at arm’s-length on and off for years but I was too busy to truly get hooked and bored with the charm-neglect-reject-charm cycle. This is the first N in my home on a daily basis, to tilt my world on it’s axis. I feel for those who’ve gone through a long-term physical relationship as I know this 6-7 month in-home employment will take a bit more to sort out in my head. Long term + physical would require a sabbatical around the world and meeting plenty of kind-normal people.
        I do feel wiser and more aware that there are toxic N’s along with the ones that carelessly, obliviously create havoc. I keep those in constant check- if they cancel or fail to show up for a scheduled get-together (because something shiny flies by and distracts them) I won’t make plans with them again. The N I wrote you about is 7 levels more cunning and deceitful, also able to stay the course, exceed expectations as an employee- at least for 6 months of showing up on time and completing most tasks – of course while observing, wearing me down, making each day an escalating drama about him.
        I will think about putting out the garden tool, but I’d like my movie set case back, not enough to call him though. The resignation I sent for him to sign indicated he agreed to return the case and pick up the garden tool. He is likely waiting (cat for a mouse) for me to ask for the case again. I’d bet he’s hoovered for the garden tool which I brought inside and told the new employee not to give to him – unless he brings the movie set case. Perhaps I’m being short sighted and should be content about ‘no contact’ at any expense, and put out the garden tool?
        Oh no~ I’m still rambling – LOL!
        Thanks again for your reply, your blog has easily helped hundreds of N targets.
        All the best,
        cuckoo4cocopuffs

  • Linda

    November 4, 2017 at 6:21 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,
    Congratulations on your five year anniversary of freedom and strength! I can only imagine how miserable many years with an N can be.
    A year after losing my wonderful husband of 35 years, I met a man (online) who I now suspect to be a card-carrying Narc. It was hurtful and confusing enough that now I wish him a permanent splinter in his scrotum. After doing much reading here and elsewhere, I have to laugh at all the red flags I missed. I forgive myself for being sucked in by realizing how naïve I was. I never called him first, but I’m sure he sensed weakness in me. He swept me off my feet, burning up my phone with calls, texts, flattery, future-faking, etc. He fast-forwarded me into including him on a vacation and straight into the bedroom. BTW, this jerk is 70 years old, proof that douchebaggery knows no age limit. While he was never verbally or physically abusive, the managing down of expectations started within a few months (cancelled plans, lame excuses, disappearing for weeks). Still, I never lost my cool or initiated contact., I started learning about tactics these assclowns used, so for observational purposes I didn’t block him (Okay, at first, maybe a tiny part of me thought he’d beg to come back or at least apologize. Damn you, “closure fairy”!) Then presto, right on cue, the hoovering began. I was polite but always “too busy” to get together. For a year, I could almost set my calendar by his check-ins (every 2-3 months). I wouldn’t take this fool back ever, but I still haven’t blocked…I just ignore him now. I don’t know if he’s really a Narc (curious to know your thoughts), but I’m sure he’s a manipulative, self-centered, lying sexual predator, so I celebrate my good fortune every day! If nothing more, he taught me a valuable lesson in human behavior. Thank you so much for your wonderful insightful writing, and again, I celebrate your strength and success!

    • Zari Ballard

      November 12, 2017 at 11:45 pm Reply

      Hi Linda,

      It was hurtful and confusing enough that now I wish him a permanent splinter in his scrotum. I love it! You speak for all of us. Thank you for the congrats on the five years….I actually had to think about that when I read that but you’re right…it has been that long. LOL I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband and also, of course, about your experience with a narc. But the fact that you’re done and don’t blame yourself…it’s all good with me because THAT is the perspective to take..and ya gotta laugh about it because these people are just over-the-top. So, I celebrate YOU as well:) Thank you for sharing and I wish you nothing but happiness, sister.

      Much Love!!

      Zari

  • Dawn

    November 3, 2017 at 2:39 pm Reply

    I never thought I would share this…however…I spent years escaping from my childhood abuse, then relationship after relationship of controlling men. I finally had a career I did well in 10 years (yep 10 years when I thought I wouldn’t make 10 days …because of low self esteem from previous mentioned abuse….I started a lease to own on a home that wasn’t extravagant but suited me… I got my own vehicle…worked on my credit and felt like a kick ass woman finally… Then I met the N. *sigh*
    Systematically over 2 years he with-held affection until I was crying and wondering if I was crazy…Started a search for a new house to buy because he found something wrong with mine every time we talked about it… though it would be manageable for us.
    He came n strong in the beginning… it was like something out of all the romance books I read… happening to me…soul mates… belong together…we were on the same page…until he turned the page..
    He made me so sad and I felt so alone with him there… that I began having a beer here and there..something I hadn’t done for 8 years when i met him. Everything was a contest or as I like to call it d*ck measuring contest. If I wanted him to cut the grass he would do it a week later because he and I quote “wasn’t going to be told when to cut grass.” 2 years he cut the grass 3 times. I had to pay people to help me…and speaking of pay…he never paid his half for 2 years. Which i knew was wrong, but he kept — I don’t know making me feel sorry for him.Sad eyes, tears… one minute I was the love of his life..the next day he spent 12 hours on a vdieo game like i didn’t even exist… conflicting…very conflicting…I started wondering what was wrong with me.. I tried getting him gifts he showed an interest in something..I thought- it will show him that I love him and the money wasn’t important… luckily I had a support group who softly mentioned it didn’t seem right… that I paid everything,,,, then one day he told me he was leaving. Apparently the money he didn’t spend was enough to fund his now “place I love”…. I spent a whole weekend in my friends house so as to not watch him leave me..he took everything I ever bought him…then even the toilet paper and food with him. I didn’t understand.. why didn’t he love me… why why why? Because he is incapable…
    17, 000.00 later and a broken heart that left me feeling like jumping off a bridge…he would text when he felt like it…and did it because he knew it hurt me… then one day I told him i was done accepting crumbs from him in hopes we could work something out–yeah I apologized for everything I might have did and began rebuilding my life..hoping we could work it out. When i told him i was done accepting his behavior… he sent me a message with 5 words “I am not yours to command.”
    Well that did it…now I was pissed and I began to tell him I hoped he didn’t mentally torture the next gf in his life, but to never talk to me again…because I wasn’t trying to command him… I was trying to figure out what went wrong when the beginning was so damn good. I went on to tell him I was on to him… and embarrassingly enough , the last thing I told him I wanted to tell him “was to go F himself. ” and get mental help from a professional. I have not contacted him, blocked social media… changed my number so he couldn’t text me the occasional “good morning beautiful” and I just started concentrating on work, my kids, my grandchildren, writing and life in general. I can’t tell you how quickly my self esteem came back.
    Don;t torture yourself with the whys… its because he is a jerk, has no empathy for anyone…and loves control. It was awful. It was like the most horrible, terrible breakup for me. I have had some doozies… I am 50 now. I still loved him. Yet I knew love was an action word…not words that didn’t have any value attached to them. I read everything I could to remind myself I am doing the right thing..I deserve better..I am worthy…and hell..I am woman hear me roar. Thanks for listening… like I saw- I am sure my friends were tired of the story…. peace.
    That girl who learned a valuable lesson…at 50.

    If mistakes make you smarter..I should have been a freaking genius.

    • Dawn

      November 3, 2017 at 2:45 pm Reply

      oh ps: The first week after he moved out… he was robbed of all his stuff while at work.. and all I could think was “I may not know where you live…but karma does..”

    • Zari Ballard

      November 3, 2017 at 2:57 pm Reply

      Thank you for that, Dawn! Amazing how once we are done – and I mean REALLY done – how the world just opens up. You ARE a freaking genius and don’t you forget it. Thanks so much for sharing…love the inspirational message:)…xo

  • Julie

    April 5, 2017 at 12:48 pm Reply

    My grand finale terrified me, it was calculated to perfection. The image of his eyes in stuck in my head, cold blackness with smug pleasure whilst he anhilated me, he followed up in a cruel email of attacking insults and blaming me. I did nothing was innocent.

    Having no previous experience or any knowledge of dangerous personalities until I began to google i struggled to come to terms with my trauma, the hoovering did happen much to my horror. I had blocked but he found a way to get back in touch.

    I live in fear just seeing his name makes me anxious, whilst he is a weak man who lacks courage he is capable of personalised attacks & reminding me of his ‘power’ .
    Can I lose him mentally and when, I spent only two years in this relationship yet the thoughts stay with me, there are no happy memories at all.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 16, 2017 at 2:33 am Reply

      Hi Julie,

      No contact is the only way to escape the madness. Mine, too, would find a way to get back in touch but you have to stay strong and eventually the time between his making contact will get longer and longer. They always have something else to keep them busy. If you can, read my books…you will see yourself in my own story and you will see that a recovery is possible. I am also here to speak with if you need me. Sometimes just speaking with someone who “gets it” can make all the difference. There are so many stories on this website in the comments under the articles just like yours. In this life and with these people, our lives become all but interchangeable.

      You can do this, I know you can!

      Stay strong, sister…..xo

  • Alex

    March 24, 2017 at 12:37 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    First, I almost got hoovered by your ex N. I thought I’m safe with my N (no contact) for almost 3 months, but reading this just made me realized, how much power he can have over me.
    My ex and I were together for 4 years. Commitment seemed to be his biggest issue. He “blamed” this on his failed marriage (his wife cheated, and actually this is a fact)…I just question her motives now, bc if he treated me the way he treated me, I don’t blame her. He had really hard time telling me that he loves me, and saying that he doesn’t always feel like he loves me, it was more like I had to deserve to have his love to be admitted. But he didn’t treated me great, when he wanted to. Each time after hoovering and getting back together, we were actually getting a step closer, e.g. One night after being out together with mutual friends, he got very jealous over one of the guys, who was giving me lots of attention, but nothing was going on, left me in a club alone and threw out all my belongings out of his apartment. Then he followed up with nasty name calling e-mails accusing me of cheating, when in fact, he was standing in an arm reach from me (completely crazy accusations). I responded to him, that nobody ever treated me like that, neither name called me before. He got back with me after couple of days (hoovering) that he made a mistake and he consulted all of the situation with his gfs (I think it was only one) she told him, that he doesn’t love me, if he was calling me so many names and treated me like this. He did succeed in hoovering me, but he never ever, called me names again, or going nuts like this again.

    My problem with my ex is, that I thought for a long time that he is a N, as he had turn my life up side down regularly. Especially after it’s been quite good for sometime. Usually, finding reason that doesn’t even make sense and I’m just left confused. If I question him about his “wrong” doing, he would turn an argument against me, usually ending with very hurtful words. All that is list it as a N behavior matches him:
    – it was always everything to his liking
    – constant hot & cold behavior (mood swings for no reason)
    – all my complains turned into his complains (mirroring)
    – easily offended
    – different behind closed door and out around people
    – discarding, hoovering (he always knew how to get me back)
    – his family, usually didn’t’ know about our on and off relationship, he pretended that we are fine all the time
    – extremely high standards for me and others, but not really lead by example
    – feeling that I need to constantly prove myself to be worth to be with him
    – everything was put in more importance than me, work, school, etc.
    – putting me down, trying to control me, when I opposed it, discarding
    – never spoke about his childhood (he just mentioned that it was not easy)
    – extremely high self importance
    – his family, is somehow freaked out when he acts moody, none of them ever reached to me, after our breakup,

    …but there are some that totally are not:

    – I don’t think, that he was cheating on me. I thought so, bc of these breakup, so was checking him at home while no contact, searched his phone (yes, I did that) after getting back together, no trace of cheating,
    – He never changed his phone, no weird phone calls, etc.
    – We were mostly hanging out at his place (for his convenience)
    – He attended counselling with me (even tough he stated that he would never do that cuz there is nothing wrong with him, he even liked it) …but this happened when I gave him an ultimatum, so I realize that it could be to shoot my mouth for a bit
    – He seemed to care about others me, my son, his family
    – He absolutely loved my dog, when with my dog, showed extreme vulnerability…admitting love, complementing all the time, etc. (she is super cute though 🙂
    – He was in contact with his ex and I called him on it, he showed me all conversations and it was nothing except common exchange of what was happening in their lives…but he never mentioned me in his life, asked him to end it and he handed me phone and asked to write whatever I wanted and sent it.
    – Met his entire family, and most of his “friends” (although, he doesn’t have friends that he hangs with regularly, only for bdays, sport events, etc)
    – mostly he had female friend’s but I knew them
    – he is very OCD and committed to his work and studying (perfectionist)

    I’m sure, there are many things are didn’t mention, but yeah, as much as I believe he is a narc, people I know are saying that he is not, including our counselor, but I always thought, he wrapped her around from the start. She only, drop her hands when I told her why and how he left (discarded me), that she mentioned he will never commit. But I do know, that nobody really knew me the way I got to know him.

    …so my question is, is my ex a Narc or just a broken man, who has commitment problem? I do not want to protect him, as this is over but I’m still so confused and this drives me nuts.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 8, 2017 at 12:27 am Reply

      Hi Alex,

      Well, he sure seems narcissistic to me! The very fact that you found your way to my website and others like it tells me you know the answer to that. If your counselor didn’t think he was narcissistic, then what the hell did she think was wrong with him? You don’t deserve to be treated like that under any circumstances…that is the bottom line. The hot and cold bullshit will kill you, I guarantee, and he’ll never get tired of doing it. Before you know it, another year will have passed…and another and then another. Nothing ever changes. His “bad” is as good as its ever gonna get, girl.

      Look, at some point, does it even matter what he is or isn’t? Re-read your post…all the behaviors…all the awfulness…who fucking needs it?? Some people are JUST NOT GOOD FOR US. There’s nothing confusing about this. What we allow will continue unless we stop it. The game for him will never get old. Life is too short and you’ve already wasted far too much time with this jerk as it is. Time to be happy…

      Zari xo

  • Minnie

    February 11, 2017 at 3:10 pm Reply

    Holy that’s amazing his texts about the cops. I showed up at his house after texting and fighting and he lost it. Threatened me with cops lol. I literally just knocked on his door. A d then left. He texted for hours. Horrible name calling threatening police. Wacko

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 5:10 pm Reply

      Hi Minnie,

      Oh yes, they have no problem threatening you with calling the police. In my book, I talk about how my ex, during a long silent treatment, had me served with a temporary restraining order ON XMAS EVE and I didn’t even know where he lived. Why did he do that? Because, on a hunch, I had sent an anonymous FB message to a girl I had a suspicion about. He literally wrote on the order that he was in fear for his life. Needless to say, my suspicions were right (LOL)…and two weeks later he was back at my door, breaking his own restraining order as if it never happened.

      Wacko is right!

      Zari xo

  • Kuldeep

    November 2, 2016 at 9:36 am Reply

    I left a narc about 3 months ago. The first few weeks was hard, I realise now what he was about. A face for the community and a face behind closed doors. Toxic environment and often scary when he went into a rage. Glad I broke free. Still will take time to heal and forget about him.

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