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Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality

narcissists-lieRecognizing, for the first time, that your long-time lover has a narcissistic personality can be a devastating discovery. Narcissistic behaviors like the silent treatment are often catalysts for the discovery and for many, the shock never goes away, lingering long after the narcissist has given the Discard and disappeared to find other sources of supply. Often many years will pass during the relationship before the “good” partner finally even begins to do the research needed to validate his/her suspicions and put a label on the questionable behaviors of the other partner. With so much time invested in a relationship, it’s difficult to accept that the love you thought you shared with someone was, indeed, a farce….but the sad truth is that, with a narcissistic partner, a farce is all it can be.

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Someone with a narcissistic personality is very adept at getting exactly what they want out of a relationship – even if they have to bleed the other person dry. Sex, lies, and passive-aggressive manipulation are the three more powerful strategies in the narcissist’s arsenal of emotional weapons and he will use each one to prove just how expert a marksman he truly is. Having a narcissistic personality disorder means constantly having to search and seek out new and better means of supply to fulfill his/her relationship agenda. Since a narcissist is unable to feel remorse, guilt, sympathy, or empathy, the fact that his main source of supply (i.e. the loving partner) must often be destroyed and resurrected over and over again in order to keep him happy (and interested) matters not. The more the “good” partner suffers, the more alive the disordered partner feels – and around and around it goes.

The main point to remember about a partner with this disorder is that they can not ever be fixed – and nor do they care to be. Narcissists like themselves just the way they are. Narcissists have no problem abandoning families and loved ones and then acting as if these loyal individuals never existed. Often, a narcissist will disappear for weeks or months, only to reappear on the doorstep as if nothing happened. In my 13-year relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend, I accepted this behavior over and over even though it devastated me. Even now, two years after the final Discard, I can’t believe that I allowed that to happen. But I did. Hundreds of times. What narcissists do is manage down the relationship expectations of the victim to the point that the narcissist can pretty much come and go as he/she pleases without repercussions. It’s nothing short of severe emotional manipulation and abuse and you must always be aware of this.

Narcissism, unfortunately, has become an epidemic in today’s social networking lifestyles. These sexual and emotional predators enjoy the challenge of online dating where they can wear their masks quite a bit longer and catch the very vulnerable. Learning to recognize the signs/behaviors of the narcissistic personality can prevent the abuse from ever happening to you at all OR it will give you the confidence to finally and permanently go “no contact“ exit the game.

Do you suspect that your partner is a narcissist? If so, Zari Ballard’s book will either confirm your fears, give you the courage to exit the game, or both!

Grab a copy of “When Love is a Lie” from Amazon for only $3.99 OR click here to download the book in PDF. 

Recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and get on the road to recovery!

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28 Comments

  • SICK of BS

    August 23, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

    Dear Megan…
    No, I don’t think you are a NARC…but rather a poor woman hell bent on revenge. And why NOT? U paid the Bills, yet he abused your kindness & doesn’t care a shit. BUT the fact is – you LET him….& that WILL be his excuse.
    In my observation – it seems u have NO problem in finding men who are attracted to you…so why are you STUCK on a Narc? Could it be his ‘GLIB’ LYING charm? Coz maybe you have FALLEN for s/o with a SERIOUS personality disorder.

    How about take time OUT & ask urself what U really want from a partner? As there’s a BIG difference between falling for DRAMA & HIGH-CONFLICT…than just needing a little EXCITEMENT in your life.

    Narcissistic & sociopathic personalities (altho often high IQs – have NO emotional IQ – ie. NO empathy & it’s NOT by CHOICE – so can’t be changed – they seriously ARE brain-defective from NORMAL ppl) – KNOWN as HIGH-CONFLICT personalities DUE to their lack of empathy (along with a FEW other personality types on the mental health spectrum – that feed off drama)…so AVOID if possible, esp on an intimate personal level.

    And take note of the numbers: as far as SOCIOPATHS: 4% population…3/4 are men….constantly roaming from relationship to relationship….so the older U get…they are out there in bigger numbers.
    These ppl can’t be swayed on reason esp if that reason is to TRY understand your feelings – as they have NONE.
    A relationship with them is like being caught in a NEVER-ENDING court-case of LIES. They are INFORMATION gathers so anything PRIVATE they learn about you will be thrown in your face without care….& they WILL destroy your relationships with others…as they don’t value relationships.

    PULL OUT of the sociopathic-circus of CRAZY making…there IS an EXIT!
    It’s called NO CONTACT…CUT them OFF (no excuses)…& pull out of their CRAZY ‘game’…so U can find ur SANITY again!

  • Megan

    June 15, 2020 at 12:46 am Reply

    I’m a little concerned that Im a narcissist. I was in an abusive relationship, but I too became quite abusive as well. He had a short fuse, gave me the silent treatment and verbally and psychologically abused me over the years; however, I cheated on him, multiple times, stayed out late over and over and developed a drug and alcohol addiction. I always thought he was the problem, so mean and cold. I just wanted to be in love like we used to be and have a family. We broke up many times but always got back together. I paid most of the Bill’s and he was very unstable financially. I got into a cycle.of going out and getting drunk and high and then coming home late and fighting, and then doing it over and over for years. I couldnt stop. I could see that it was hurting him but I couldnt stop. I couldnt come back when he wanted me to. I would meet men and have secret relationships and constantly debate on whether I should leave him for the new person but often it would never feel like the new feelings were strong enough. I just wonder if all the damage and pain I caused was because I’m narcissistic or because I was trying to cope maybe, because deep down I knew better and needed to escape, whether it be through drugs and alcohol or through new feelings of love. I honestly feel horrible for how out of hand things became and the pain endured by both of us. How do you live with knowing you caused so much pain to someone. I feel responsible for how he makes out in life for some reason.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 4, 2020 at 11:24 pm Reply

      Hi Megan,

      Look, I can assure you of one thing: you are NOT a narc. How do I know this? Because you give a shit about your past behavior and actually care how this person makes out in life. Your last statement “I feel responsible for how he makes out in life for some reason” says it all. A narc would never say that and mean it and I feel that you mean it:) As for what happened, I am pretty sure you were on autopilot, trying to cope. Please forgive yourself. We all feel this way when we’re in abusive relationships and find ourselves acting just like the abuser. Sometimes, other than leaving, it seems like the only option. There’s almost nothing you can do if you stay, you will find yourself playing the same games. It does suck, I get it. But apparently you got out and THAT was the ending that needed to happen. He will be fine and if he isn’t, it will have nothing to do with you. Take care of yourself…it’s time to heal all the way through….xo

  • morgan

    January 8, 2018 at 11:04 am Reply

    I’m confused. My narc ex always seemed sad that he was destroying me. Said he didn’t want me to self harm or kill myself. He acted like he didn’t care and cheated the whole time before immediately moving on but i’m confused. he seemed to truly care in some ways about my well being, never bleeding me completely dry of money or letting me do horrible things to myself. He even pushed me away and told me to find someone with empathy. He let me leave him to go to school and get my degree. Can someone help me understand and untangle the weaves of insanity i’m left with

    • Zari Ballard

      January 10, 2018 at 7:23 pm Reply

      Hi Morgan,

      Look at your sentence My narc ex always seemed sad that he was destroying me. You use the word DESTROY yet you somehow scrape to see an ounce of compassion in the destruction. You are settling for crumbs, girlfriend. And how can you say he “let” you go and get your degree as if you needed his permission. Even he knew that it wouldn’t look good to the world if he deliberately held you back. He may be narcissistic but he’s not stupid. He knows how to play the game. Nothing about anything you described tells me that he cares at all. All it shows me is that he is a textbook narc, playing the seduce and discard game, pretending to care because the truth is, he likes to see you sad because when you’re sad he can pretend he cares, giving you a very false hope. He knows you will grasp at anything to see some ounce of goodness and this is how he gets away with all of it.

      Stand up for yourself and let him go. He may not have held you back academically but he sure knows how to hold you back mentally and spiritually and it’s a very covert operation. Do not fall for the ruse because he’ll play it until the end of time.

      Zari:)

  • rogo

    April 9, 2017 at 3:38 am Reply

    what if the narcissist is your mother??

    • Zari Ballard

      April 9, 2017 at 5:46 pm Reply

      Hi Rogo,

      In my mind, having a narcissistic parent – especially when it’s your mom – must be horrible and I’m sorry if you are going through that. I speak with people often who struggle with this in their life and it’s not easy. It depends a lot on how old a person is and whether they can leave the home and sometimes how far they can get. If there are grandchildren, this can cause a whole other set of problems because the narc grandma is either missing all together (which isn’t always bad) or completely in your business (always bad!).

      The truth is that dealing with a narcissist mom has got to be about changing your perspective and not allowing her to “hurt” you (no matter how hard she tries). Even though she’s your mom, you have to remove the “personal” aspect and treat her, in many ways (but not all), like any other narcissist. Sometimes, if the situation is conducive, you have to cut the ties completely. She can’t be allowed to interfere in your own family if you have one. You’d have to put your foot down no matter what the consequences…take a stand for your own life.

      It’s very difficult, I know, and you just inspired me to write an article about this. It’s a delicate balance to deal with a narcissistic parent and the reasons are obvious. But you, as a true and loving person, deserve to be happy and there truly are strategies to help you find that. I’m happy to support you….stay strong, my friend…

      Zari:)

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 14, 2016 at 6:59 am Reply

    Iam still in contact with my narcissistic friend? We had a relationship but it was too draining for me the devalue, the discard, wash, rinse and repeat#!!!! Now we have a sort of platonic friendship where he will text me about anything but not our relationship. He never talks sexually to me I told him I didn’t like it and I have set boundaries and limits we he seems to abide by. Then again I do not think my narcissist was high on the spectrum because some of the things you mention do not apply to him. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or has some other sort of personality disorder. I now get on better with him now that I don’t keep displaying my feelings for him and tell him that I love him because deep down I know I still do but I will never let him know that. I promised myself that he would not make me hate him and I don’t and I feel better for being like that with him because what is hate another negative emotion.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 15, 2016 at 12:26 pm Reply

      Hi Marilyn,

      My guess is to keep on doing what you are doing – keeping sex or anything sexual out of it. This will keep you from getting the full-on effect of his behaviors that you obviously felt before. The last thing you want to do is feel that again, right? Having said that, you have to decide if it’s a “friendship” worth keeping at all. His intentions – as well as his definition of what “friendship” really is – will always be different than yours. You certainly don’t have to “hate” him at all but you do have to watch how much energy you put into any relationship when you’re not getting anything in return of value.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 16, 2016 at 2:19 am Reply

        Thank you for that Zari. My contact with him is infrequent to say the least. I had just had enough of him to be fair. I am an educated woman and hold down an important position. I really didn’t have time for his silly games and I told him that. I am now seeing someone who is so far away from Roy’s narcissistic love it feels wonderful. I don’t know what he was Zari narcissist or whatever else but I now know he wasn’t my reality. Love to all Marilyn

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 17, 2016 at 5:00 am Reply

        Hi Zari as I said in my earlier reply to thank you. I have just ordered your book When love is a lie from Amazon just to set myself straight about narcissism. As I do not know if my former boyfriend was or wasn’t. I think if I read your book I may find out things that yes he was a narcissist. He certainly had some traits but not all of them but maybe I was just being selective in wanting to see only what I wanted to. I will give you some feedback when I have read the book. Marilyn xxxx

        • Zari Ballard

          November 17, 2016 at 6:12 pm Reply

          Hi Marilyn,

          I hope you enjoy it! Believe me, if your ex is a narc, you’ll see yourself on every page. I just finished another little book called Narcissism In a Nutshell which lists and describes the 13 most blatant behaviors of a narcissistic partner. I think maybe I’ll send it to you in PDF to the email that you use to post your comments. It will give you a jumpstart! Watch for it….

          Be sure to send me your feedback here and also to post a review on Amazon. It really gets the message out. Remember that knowledge really IS power and that recovery, in these types of relationship situations, is really a team effort:) I’m here to support you…

          Zari xoxo

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 13, 2016 at 12:58 pm Reply

    I left my narcissistic ex weeks ago and do nc. Since I put into play nc I have been bombarded with texts I miss you, I love you, I will stop playing games with you which tells me he knows exactly what he is doing. No my darling you will never stop playing your f…..g games because that is your sad little life and will be till the day you die. You are not worthy of my love, my time, my presence, you are not my reality you sad bastard. Love to all who are suffering you will see your day with your monster like I have. Marilyn x

  • Tara

    September 25, 2016 at 9:18 pm Reply

    I just broke up with my narcissist tonight. He ironically discarded me because he didn’t like my reaction when I found out he had been lying and hiding other women he’d been texting that he met on okcupid. This was the fifth time I caught him in a year. And I kept relapsing and taking him back. I miss him right away. I would’ve never tolerated cheating ever in the past and I’ve let him do this so many times and I just kept giving him love. More and more love hoping he’d stop. He has manipulated me to the point that I was begging him not to leave me tonight. Bawling my eyes out begging him. I love him and I was begging him to stay. It was pathetic. I’m in so much pain. II’ve read all the books and websites and researched NPD to death. I know what it is, I know that he had every single “symptom”. I know I was abused but he has messed with my head so incredibly much that all I want to do is run to him right now. I know it’s wrong but the pain is so bad. He made me feel like it was all my fault. He told me it was all my fault. When I read your book, I highlighted any sentence or part that directly described what he did to me and the whole book is yellow highlighted. Even with all that knowledge I feel addicted and can’t stop crying. None of my friends understand what I’m going through. They don’t understand how deeply deeply hurt I am. Or why I want him back. I know he’s bad but why am I wanting him so much? Why is it hurting so much? How am I going to be strong enough to stay away for good?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 7, 2016 at 8:28 pm Reply

      Hi Tara,

      Thank you for writing and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. You will recover from this, I promise, but you have to give yourself a break. We become attached to the perpetrator in the same way that hostages become weirdly attached to their kidnappers. And, no, nobody but someone who has experienced it will ever understand. You have to change your perspective of the situation and this takes time and determination. At some point you simply have to ask yourself if this is way that you want to spend the rest of your life, girl.

      Please read through the articles on this site because they will help get you through it. Also, be sure to read the comments below each article because you will see literally thousands of stories just like your own. We are all here to support you. If you feel like talking about it, I can give you a boost toward recovery so please consider a consultation. There are many options and you don’t have to feel isolated or alone in this at all. We all understand.

      Stay strong, sister. You are perfect just the way that you are:)

      Zari xo

    • Broken-train wreck

      November 16, 2016 at 12:32 am Reply

      Tara,
      Hi, I too have recently begged on my hands and knees one more chance! And his response was,Why? You’ll just do it again. Because you just keep getting worse, and worse, & worse.” So no forgiveness, the next day as I went about my business ignoring him. He texted me from work like nothing ever happened. As usual. Then a day later he told me about how “his ex just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Until he finally got a divorce.” And it dawned on me that he said that same thing to to me. The crazy thing is, that I met his ex before she was his ex. And she really was as bad as he says. So that’s why I am so confused! As well as the fact that everyone keeps saying that an N doesn’t have any empathy nor can they love. And anow exceptional list of other things that my possible N’s personality does not fit into the criteria. Because he is capable of empathy and can love. Because I do believe that N truly loved me until my attention got diverted in another direction. Thenot he changed. So I believe that as long as he is the only one that I love and pay attention to, he is faithful to and spends all of his time with. But I don’t know if I can get his love back. Or if I even want to.

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