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Surviving the Narcissist: A Reflective Q & A

zari-ballard-narcissist-supportAs most of you know, when we become involved with narcissistic partners, our lives become completely interchangeable. The shock of seeing ourselves in the stories of others is usually our first “aha” moment and it forever changes us. My story becomes your story becomes her story becomes his story. As my first book When Love Is a Lie describes, I became horribly addicted to the very drama that I claimed to hate and it dragged on for nearly thirteen years. That being said, this particular article brings very good news. I’m a survivor… and this month is my 3.5 year milestone of recovery. I did it and each and every one of you can do the exact same thing – survive. I guarantee it.

For those who haven’t read my book, reading my post “Reflections on 13 months No Contact” will fill you in on how it all came to an end and how I managed to make to a year of recovery. Now that I am 3.5 years in, I felt it was time to reflect once again, sharing with all of you my thoughts about the journey. To do it, I figured I’d take the questions I get asked the most during phone consultations – the ones that seem to weigh most heavily on the minds of those I speak with – and answer them accordingly.

When-love-is-a-lie
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How long did it take you to start feeling better?

In my second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, I offer up this formula for recovery: one month for every year that we’re involved with the narcissist before we start feeling normal again. So, did it work for me? I would say that, at 13 months after the break-up, there’s no doubt that I was feeling better. Was I ready to start dating and getting back involved in my normal activities? No. At 13 months, I still had time to go but with every month that passed, the world got a little bit brighter. Let’s just say that, after that point, it never went backwards – ever. Now, at 52 months and counting, I feel free – finally – of all the ties that bind. Time really is the healer of all wounds.

What steps did you take to start recovery?

  • Step 1: After that first day, I blocked him on my home land line, my cell phone, and my son’s cell phone. I blocked him on Facebook and my Yahoo email.
  • Step 2: I pulled away from everything that reminded me of him and/or was associated with things he liked to do, we liked to do, and we would have done if he had ever kept a promise. I basically disappeared. Him being a musician (guitar player), me being a well-known local singer, and this being a small town, I instantly went on an unannounced, unexplained hiatus. This was the hardest part…giving up the music. At my age at that point, I already felt as if my musical clock was ticking and now I was being forced to pull the battery altogether. Based on his first hoover exactly one year from the day he left (See Question #3), I knew he was playing out and I wasn’t willing to risk an encounter. So I simply vanished and I didn’t tell a soul…I just did it.
  • Step 3: I quit social media. I quit looking for him online. I stopped googling his name and email address and all versions of both. I tossed my secret “Wayne” file folder – a folder that was stuffed to the brim with scraps of paper, post-it notes, envelope pieces, and matchbook covers, each one containing some juicy tidbit of evidence – either real or perceived – from at least 8 good years of solid investigative work into what I suspected he was always doing behind my back. In this file, written in frantic upside down and sideways scribble, were hundreds of mysterious names and  phone number that I’d either confiscated and/or stumbled upon in a few minutes of adrenaline pumped snooping. Also in this file were the fruits of my labor – the addresses, driving directions, and so forth associated with all this information and it all had meaning for me. In this file was all my “evidence”….”evidence” that I secretly kept to myself under the premise that someday I would confront him with all of it, whereby proving that I’d been right all along. I was always waiting for the perfect moment to whip out the file and send him on his pitiful way…to kick him to the curb with the power of concrete proof. But the perfect moment never came and the file – albeit growing bigger – stayed in the drawer. All the “evidence” always seemed so unfinished…I just had to work harder at it…find out more things…more proof!  So I worked behind the scenes as Lady MacGyver while he just got away with murder and continued to break my heart. To toss this file meant to me that it was really, really over. It meant that there was nothing for me to do anymore…nothing to work on night after night into the wee hours. It meant that Wayne really wasn’t my boyfriend and therefore the information just wasn’t important. I remember standing in my room holding the file and feeling the weight of it in my hand. At that moment, it represented a whole lot of wasted time and I felt nauseous. Into the garbage it went.
  • Step 4: I wrote my first book (that I barely remember writing) called When Love Is a Lie and then I created a blog to go with it. With that book and that blog (this blog), I intended to make a difference somehow, someway.
  • Step 5: I sat at this computer for 3.5 years and it has been so, so worth it.
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Click to Book!

Do/did you think about him?

Yes, every day. I have to because of the book and because of the articles that I write for the blog and because of the phone consultations where my story and stories just like it are a large part of the conversation. I talk about him pretty much every day because my life now is all about narcissism in relationships. However, it doesn’t hurt at all…which, I imagine, tends to happen when you turn a nightmare relationship into a booming and meaningful business…when you take lemons and make fucking lemonade.

Has he hoovered and, if so, how did he do it and what did you do?  

Yes, there were several hoovers. For the first three months, there were sporadic – and familiar – knocks at the door that I didn’t answer. Eventually, they stopped. At one year, I received a flyer (left INSIDE my car) for his band with a note on the back that I didn’t read. Instead, I ripped it up into a zillion pieces. Two weeks later, both tires on the passenger side of my car were slashed. I’m sure this was intended to hurt me financially since tires for my car are expensive. Little did he know, thanks to that month’s sales from the book I’d written about his sorry ass, I simply shrugged and bought two new ones.

Then, this past August 2015, while I was away on vacation and a friend was watching my apartment, the potted plants from my plant display by my front door were found neatly dumped upside down on my welcome mat. My friend simply picked up the mat, went inside, re-potted them all, and put them back out. After I returned, he sent a Facebook friend request. I ignored it and within a month, it disappeared. Then, sporadic knocks at the door that I ignored and my son ignored. The FB friend request reappeared and I ignored it. More knocks. Then, a FB message telling me his mom had passed away and he had just come back from the funeral. I realized right then why he had been trying to get my attention…NO ONE but me understood the volatile dynamic of his relationship with his mother and what it would mean to lose her. With no siblings and his dad far away, he was feeling all alone. I couldn’t respond because I knew what would happen… but I did cry for the first time in over three years. In that moment,  I just felt sad for everything…for us, for Jodie’s death, for how he interfered with my relationship with her, for how they’d often gang up on me together, for the fact that he couldn’t love anyone, for the fact that he was now “alone” – and especially for the fact that he had been the kind of douchebag boyfriend that prevented me now from being able to reach out with any normal compassion for his loss. But as I reflected on this, I also remembered something his mom would say to me during those times that she would actually be on my side, that when I would sob like a baby and pine for her son as he ignored me: “Zari, this too shall pass”. And she was right. So, I did not respond and I did not reach out. I did nothing and the FB friend request disappeared…and I’ve heard not a word since.

What now?

Life is fucking good. With the book and the blog, the world opened up – and I suppose I have Wayne to thank for that. I’m super happy that I didn’t offer my condolences because, obviously, based on the quick silence that followed his mom’s death, his sadness was quickly lifted. Narcissists seek that which is familiar (that’s us!) during a personal crisis but will quickly find no reason to hang around once the crisis has passed. Do not fall for the ruse should the ex come lurking around feigning grief over the death of a relative. With or without you, he will recover. You, on the other hand, may never recover because this discard will be worse than all the others. The truth is that there is no easy fix but there IS an answer – no contact…and time. The old familiar saying that time heals all wounds is the key to it all.

Finally, the best thing to happen to me – above all else – has been the opportunity to get to know all of you during the building of this very special support community. I just want to say thank you for everything and I’m here to support you.  It is my privilege every single day to know you, to read your stories, to speak to so many of you on the phone, to share tears and laughs, to watch you go from sad to mad to recovery…I am amazed at what we can do when we do it together. Recovery is definitely a team effort.

Love,

Zari

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40 Comments

  • Haruhi

    March 23, 2016 at 2:39 am Reply

    Hello Zari,

    I’m glad that I found your website. I’m a student from Germany and I was in a 2 months relationship with an (I believe – because the signs were there) Narcissist. We are both very young, but his “career” gave him some extra ego booster – Oh my! He is an Medical Student in his last year and he wants to become a surgeon. I’m a student of Molecular Biology and I want to study Medicine like him. We met each other in the social networks. He added me, we talked a little bit and he was like “head over heels in me”. He called nearly the entire day – in the morning, in the afternoon, in the night – we talked a lot and it was very sweet with him, but I felt really pushed by him, because he told me that he would give us both a deadline for the “knowing each other”, because “we” are both to busy to learn each other in a slow motion way. I told him that I can’t rush into things like that, because of my previous experience with men who went really bad in a “Teenage-Way”. He said “We will meet each other and then we will see if we are compatible. If we are compatible, I would marry you in a rush away.” So, we meet each other 2 Weeks after the conversation. We spend the whole Day with each other and it felt good, but there were parts of him where I was a little bit shocked. He talked about that he hates, when a person is not useful. He talked badly about a girl in starbucks which was a little bit thick. He even took his Handy out, texted his friend and made a joke about this girl. And I looked at him in the eye and told him, that he shouldn’t do such a thing because she seems sick. He sat there, thought about it and told me that he feels bad about it now. I forgot these things because we changed the subject, he kissed my hand and I kind of fell for him a little. The date ended, we got together in a rush and from that moment everything fell apart. My Grandfather died and I needed him. He gave me his condolence and disappeared. He lost his source of attention and he talked with other girls, while I was grieving with my family about the loss. I saw it. I told him to stop it or I will leave him – he said that I was right and that he will stop it, but in the next moment he did it again. Our contact was low, because of his “work” and I didn’t had the nerve to talk to him. He worte me in a 2 day later routine and I responded very shortly. I made 2 “Mistakes” in the relationship – I went with my friend to the spa and the second one was that I went to the gym. After that he couldn’t bear me at all. He said things like “You’re presenting your body and I can’t trust you anymore.” and he went into silent treatment. I fell apart in that time, I lost my hair, I had to go to the hospital because of heart aches and it came everything from him. He gave me a lot silent treatment and I always came back like a broken puppy – I told him my love to him and he was nice after that – I did everything he asked me to do and he still found things to hunt me down. I became very anxious that he could cheat on me, because I always had that bad feeling about him. I stalked him in Google, Facebook, Instagram and I saw everything. He was talking with other girls behind my back. I confronted him and said to him “If you dont want me, than say it to me, so that we could both go.” He didnt replied to it – instead he became angry with me and told me “If you would’t have done the things you did, I would have been normal with you. I got lost on my path to you. I will be now honest with you, If I wouldnt have any feelings for you, I wouldn’t give you so much opportunities and chances to make it up with me. Show me your loyalty, that I can trust you and you would be suprised what I would do for you.” I said to him “Please, we have to see each other to make it work.” He said to me “I don’t want to see you.” And I started crying because it hurt so fucking much. I did everything I could to save us, but he drowned us. In the next day he found a new one (they were talking for a week) and they got together behind my back (she lives 3 hours away from him and I live 1 1/2 hours away from him. She represents everything he HATES, but doesn’t care). I confronted him 2 days after it and he said that everything was my fault, that he found another one, that she is a very kind person and that she would change everything for him and the whole conversation was in a nutshell like “It is your fault, you broke my heart etc, dont tell her about you – if you really love me, you will let me have this hope – I will text you in a few days with my decision, dont text her! If you need help, you can always call or text me”

    We broke up, I deactivated my facebook, turned the “last time online..” in whatsapp off and did nothing. No message from him and no message from him. I was done with this shit. After he saw that I did nothing he got depressed and changed his profile picture on whatsapp nearly every day, but I did nothing. Instead of grieving I booked a flight with my friend to London, I lost some weight, but I’m still very pissed of him. I can’t bear anything from him. I knew something was wrong with him, but a Narcisstist? I still have that fear that it was just an illusion of my thoughts that he is a Narcisstist and maybe happy now, but I can’t imagine it. He is to selfish as that he can feel some empathy or some truly happiness. Its now 3 weeks ago after we broke up and I really don’t know – I’m only really mad.

    I thank you for your brilliant articels about that subject. It really helped me to understand 🙂

  • Katie

    March 22, 2016 at 2:15 pm Reply

    I have read your books and every article you write – know that they are very helpful and I appreciate your special brand of writing and humor. Its very empowering and uplifting. You have not gotten stuck into the woe is me of it all. You share very honestly and I appreciate you. Much love and may you be blessed in all ways.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 24, 2016 at 11:53 pm Reply

      Thank you, Katie! I wish you much love and blessings right back and please, please keep the positive thought. You deserve to be happy, sister, and these creatures are just never gonna bring it;)

      Stay strong and write anytime…

      Zari xo

  • Christine

    March 22, 2016 at 9:52 am Reply

    Thank You, you’ve helped me so much. Zari! Just Thank You!

  • BethD

    March 20, 2016 at 5:11 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, I’m so glad you are still at this helping so many find clarity. You sound happy and at peace. I actually ran into ex Narc at a function. Of course his life is in turmoil as he is just off a bad break up with a “delusional” crazy chick who is turning fatal. Drama, drama, drama. I feigned sympathy when what I really was feeling was Schadenfreude. The only real empathy I felt was for his ex who is probably sitting in a therapists office trying to figure it out. He asked me if we could possibly get together for drinks (as friends of course). yea right! I said “no my bf wouldn’t approve but thank you” ???? My man arrived shortly after I ran into him and it was impossible for him to not see how good we are together. I wasn’t really affected by seeing him other than to realize how far I came. I actually can’t believe I use to be in such turmoil because of this pathetic person. How I almost blew off this great guy I am with because I wasn’t use to the zero drama factor. Yup I was totally addicted to the drama too! We are living proof that there is life after the Narcissist and it’s pretty damn good. Keep up the good fight. Love ya

    • Zari Ballard

      March 20, 2016 at 8:13 pm Reply

      BethD wrote…We are living proof that there is life after the Narcissist and it’s pretty damn good. Keep up the good fight. Love ya Back at ya, sister!

      Thank you for the great post and for popping back in to say hi! Seriously, girl, it’s been over 3 1/2 years since I started this…probably pretty close to that since you first wrote in…something like that. I am happy and I am at peace. So thrilled to hear that you still with that great guy and that the narc got to see HIS LOSS is full fucking swing:) Good for you.

      Love Always,

      Zari xo

      • Bethd

        April 9, 2016 at 10:15 pm Reply

        Zari, I’m glad to hear you are happy and at peace! You keep coming up with one great post after another. I recommend your books and blog to so many. You turned adversity into something positive that is helping so many. This problem is so much more widespread than most know. Don’t ya wish we had a Zari to go to when we were with the idiots and they pulled their first disappearing act? Hind site is 20 20 and we came out of it most likely for the better. And yes it was pretty great running into him and knowing he knows how happy I am. But the best was not feeling attracted to him and saying to myself….ewe he ain’t nothing great. ???? That’s why the no contact thing is so important. Once you disconnect the fog clears and you will never go back to that dark place. Forever grateful for the work you do and the countless people you help. Love ya Beth xo

    • Christine

      March 22, 2016 at 11:11 am Reply

      It’s always nice to hear from you BethD! I think me and you are living proof that not only can people survive after being with a narcissist…but can even thrive! We both moved on and found greener pastures with good, sincere men who wouldn’t dream of playing the head games the narcissist does.

      I experienced a bit of vicarious Schadenfreude through you. I wish I could have seen his face when you turned down his drink invitation. 🙂 Well, in a perverse way, there’s a small part of me that hopes the narcissist finds out about my engagement to my man now, just to inflict a narcissistic injury on him that I’m not exactly pining away for him here. I remember that the narcissist once went on and on about this super-cute “friend” of his, who was married to an “old man”. It just seemed to stick in his craw, that someone could prefer an “old man” to him. My engagement would be a blow to him as well, that someone he’s been with, could prefer another man.

      However, then I realize that “living well is the best revenge”. Well, just the fact that I haven’t responded to his hoovering (after he sent me a random LinkedIn invitation) and haven’t come back crawling, after more than a year, will probably give him enough of a hint that I’m not putting my life on pause waiting for him. That, in itself, will show that I can do just fine without him, thank you very much.

      If we just choose not to play the game any longer, we can all win in the end (including that poor ex, whoever she is). Hooray for us!

      • Bethd

        April 9, 2016 at 10:00 pm Reply

        Congrats Christine! So happy for you. We along with Zari needed to sort all this stuff out. It’s amazing how an authentic guy and an authentic life feels so good. No more analyzing, detective work, figuring out. The song “now your just somebody that I use to know” comes to mind. I love the girls part where she says “I don’t want to live this way….reading into every word you say”. Yes living well is the best revenge. They are empty vats that will most likely continue on with empty encounters, and con games that turn bad. Remember they get worse with age and they can’t get the victims as easily. ???? Game over for us and it’s all good. Stay Happy xoxo

  • Ashmom

    March 20, 2016 at 12:14 pm Reply

    I would not say one month per year is even close to how fast one can feel better. I had a one year “friendship” with a narc/psych that jacked me up good. It’s a year later and I might still be taking baby steps getting to a better place. After all, these psychopath subhuman reptiles are so sickly good at altering our brains so badly. Victims have got to break free completely so they can really get it that these snakes are predators with nothing inside. We have to keep in mind ” it” – the narc – has zero concept of what is human esp empathy and love and the like. They have learned every day of their life to mimic and con humans and they are all empty talk. Surely you can think of many times they really are faking knowing things like maybe a common saying or most certainly how they fake a normal of common reaction to something. They are all cut from the same mold and even use similar talking points. Yes get away no contact and hopefully being finally on the outside looking in you will clearly see what these monsters are. We are letting them thrive otherwise.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 20, 2016 at 8:30 pm Reply

      Hi Ashmom,

      Well, we’ve got to set some kind of goal and the quicker the better. There’s just no time to waste anymore when it comes to recovery. We spend so much time in the dregs when we are with these creatures that having an expedient “deadline” for feeling better is an absolute necessity. We can sit around feeling sad and horribly nostalgic but it changes nothing…so we might as well act happy. There’s something to be said for “fake it till you make it”! LOL

      But of course, everyone’s different. I know that for me, after 13 years of that bullshit, if I wasn’t feeling better at 13-months of no contact, it would have been a very very very bad thing. I made sure it happened and it did but I had that year mark in my head. As I say in the article, I wasn’t completely cured but at 13-months out (which would have been just about the one month for every year), I was living normally. If I had had a longer goal in my head, God knows where I would be right now. We have always had the power to get back on our feet, we just didn’t know it. It’s about re-training our brain and the pace at which we do it can only be dictated by us. We can do anything we set our mind to…

      Zari xo

  • Fluffy

    March 20, 2016 at 9:52 am Reply

    Hi Zari –

    I cannot begin to tell you how helpful and supportive your website and your books have been to me. I’ve commented on a couple of your other posts, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to say once more that I now use your writing as a sort of daily meditation, and as a “rescue inhaler” when I start to feel weak. It is astounding to me how close your experience is to mine. It’s obviously not exactly the same, but there is so much similarity that occasionally I will gasp while reading. To anyone else who may be looking at this comment, I want to ask that they especially pay attention to the social media advice you give, which is to stay away from it. My ex is in the film business, so you can only imagine how much mileage he gets out of broadcasting to his 600+ “friends”, most of whom are women, and who are trolling for a lot of their own attention as well. It’s like observing a huge group of preening peacocks.

    I used to drive myself completely crazy trying to figure out which one(s) he either had already slept with, was planning to sleep with, or was currently sleeping with. I Googled them, paid for reverse phone lookup services, and I even hired a private investigator at one point. I became someone I didn’t recognize, hacking into his phones (yes, he had a separate cell phone that I found one day that I came to refer to as his ” bone phone”, since that was where he kept all his contact information for his various fuck buddies), and also hacking into his e-mail accounts (I found three of them, but I’m sure there were more) and his Facebook account. In some ridiculous attempt to stem the tide of lascivious and flirty communication, I even unfriended a bunch of women on his account and deleted their messaging history. At one point, while going through some voicemails and texts from one of his long-term squeezes (who, by the way, he swore he had broken up with and who apparently knew all about me) at 2:00 a.m. while he was snoring in the next room, it occurred to me that I had become a bit of a whack job. It’s hard to say if that was the actual turning point for me, but I think it was. It’s weird when you don’t exactly recognize yourself anymore. I had somehow morphed from an optimistic, competent, grounded, self-sufficient woman into an insecure, needy little girl. That’s when I started researching, and that’s when I found your website and your books.

    All of that to say that divorcing myself from his online presence was the biggest, most profoundly helpful thing I have done in this whole bizarre soap opera of a life that developed during my six years with that miserable asshole. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for providing a sane path for me and all the other people out there who have found themselves mired in the muck of a “relationship” with a narcissist. You are, quite literally, a lifesaver.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 20, 2016 at 8:53 pm Reply

      Hi Fluffy,

      You are truly a doll and posts like yours make everything – and I mean the whole damn thing – all worth it:) If you want to meditate on my words, girl, then have at it and I consider it an honor. All I want is for you to be happy.

      Just from your story, it sure does sound like we suffered through the same nightmare with the same loser. I did the same FB hacking that you did and then some. Amazing, isn’t it? We could have quite a conversation over that, to be sure. We become Master PI’s with no training at all!

      All of this is why communicating on this blog and others like it is so important. We simply have to validate one another’s experiences because no one but someone who has lived it will ever understand what we’re talking about. Recovery as a team is the way to go…and I’m here to support you!

      Stay strong, my Fluffy Sister!

      Zari xo

      • Joel montgomery

        March 29, 2016 at 5:36 pm Reply

        Zari. im amazed! is this a spiritual demons on earth kind of thing??? How can so many people be so crooked in the same way. We have souls and they dont??? Thats how I feel. unbelievable book!!!

        • Zari Ballard

          March 30, 2016 at 2:21 am Reply

          Hi Joel,

          I know…it sure seems like these human-looking creatures are not of this earth. In fact, when people sometimes refer to the narcissist’s uncanny ability to show back up at the precise moment that you’re starting to forget about him/her as some type of psychic connection, I always suggest that it’s far more demonic than it will ever be psychic! Who knows…from a “professional” perspective, I know that I’m supposed to understand that narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths are products of bad childhoods, neglect, abuse, and blah blah blah but thankfully I’m not a professional anything and therefore not tied down by psycho babble. I’m just a girl who had an experience and shared it. The real truth is that I can find conspiracy in anything because evil exists and my eyes are open. I can’t help but think that narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths are either 1) tools used for the dark side in the spiritual warfare that is pummeling the planet, or 2) defective human product that somehow found their way into the general population despite getting kicked off the evolution assembly line. Either way, someone wasn’t paying attention. Since the governments that rule the world are made up ENTIRELY of these creatures, I’d have to lean toward Option 1. It’s frightening, it really is and the numbers are growing.

          To give you an example of how scary it really is, consider this: this website has been up for a little under three years and it now receives hits from upwards of 6000 NEW visitors (victims obviously) EVERY DAY. THAT’S how many aliens walk among us!

          Zari xo

    • Joel montgomery

      March 29, 2016 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Zari. Im a 47 yr male from maryland. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR BRILLIANT BOOK!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!! YOU ARE DEAD ON!!!!! if I would have read 3 years ago…it would have saved years. please? would love to chat joel_24607@hotmail.com

      • Zari Ballard

        March 30, 2016 at 1:50 am Reply

        Hi Joel,

        Wow…thanks for the props about the book. If you haven’t already, make sure that you put a review up on Amazon so that everyone knows how you feel about it….it’s the best way to get the message out to others seeking support and validation:) To contact me, you can always write me via the Contact Me form which goes to my personal email and I’ll respond. May take me a day or so but I will get back to you. Thanks again and I hope you’re out of a bad situation…

        Zari xo

  • Joanne

    March 20, 2016 at 9:21 am Reply

    Zari…..wow!! Its so very inspiring to hear how you have recovered!!! I love that due to your ex N you now hav a booming business!!!! ha ha love it!!! its been 8 1/2 months since my Spath gave me the final heave ho…..he hoovered first time several weeks ago & i engaged but felt so shitty afterwards …….took me way back in my recovery….so yesterday i blocked his phone …..i cried because i was finally truly saying goodbye …..my Spath never devalued me (he did but was so charming & funny i guess I didn’t notice when he would disappear for days because we lived 120 miles apart lol) he went from idealize straight to discard i guess thats why its been so very had to let go? I am curious if anyone else bypassed the devalue stage? I was blindsided he asked me to marry him 2 weeks later i was out & he had a new victim….at the time i didnt know aboutNs and was tourtured for MONTHS trying to figure his odd behavior out….thanks to you (i bought both of your books love is a lie & no contact) & this site i know what i was dealing with ….when he hoovered i knew it was a hoover not that he wanted me back…..again thank you for helping me see it for what it really is….which is sick bullshit & it was NEVER ME that was fucked up ….even though i did engage in his hoovering i knew it was bullshit & fucked with him just for fun….it wasnt just made me feel like crap….i feel free now that every way of communicating is blocked unless he showed up at my door which is unlikely we live 1 1/2 hours apart……i have one more BIG hurdle left …Im leaving this wed to fly out of LAX & will hav to drive right past his house (i mean you can see it from the 101) so that will be a test for sure….

    • Zari Ballard

      April 2, 2016 at 1:09 am Reply

      Hi Joanne,

      Oh yeah, I think most of us have skipped the devalue stage more than once throughout the course of the relationship. When you’re with a narcissist long enough, you get to experience all the options and they can come in any combination. Especially after the very first Idolize, Devalue, & Discard, when he returns it’s anything goes. Sometimes they come back and it goes right to the discard with just a tad devalue. And sometimes we only THINK there was no devalue because we get used to accepting crumbs of attention. The truth is that these crumbs really were the devalue after all. No matter how you look at it, we all deserve so much better.

      Hope you kept one eye closed on the 101 and made it through the drive-by…..

      Zari:)

      • Joanne

        April 2, 2016 at 10:24 am Reply

        Hi Zari,
        well i made it dow to LAX no prob….(spent 7 days in the Bahamas it was heaven)…way home yesterday I stopped for gas & drove past his house it was 8:00 am…I stopped & knocked on the door (i know i know stupid) it was weird cuz everything wss all closed up & he used to be an early riser plus its a work day….he comes out (obviously he has his girl living with him cuz he really was not happy to see me) &ooked just hammerd & tore back …we smoked & chatted & OMG he was so disgusting missing teeth, scraggly long hair getting greyer & thin (he still thinks hes the hot studly surfer he was 20 yrs ago he still dresses the part hangs out with his sons friends his new suppy is young) he’d lost 20 lbs (& hes not a big man) looked like a skeleton I asked why are you so sucked up? he was very subdued & said hed been sick & was getting old & was struggling financially but needed to work that day….i realized as we tAlked he was using meth….the missing teeth , just looked like a dirtbag, sleeping that late on workday & sooo skinney! I told him sbout my trip & must say i looked fabulous fit, rested & glowing picture of health….i got great satisfaction in his miserable life… i went to my car to get my phone & show him pic of my new dog but got in and drove away without saying a word……i am so happy i did ! it i feel like i killed the monster by looking him in the eyes & feeling no attraction whatsoever…..in the last 8 1/2 months i was remembering us & had everything very romantized in my head & was still sexually attracted to him even tho i knew i could never speak/see him again ..,,i was sure they were sooo happy …..I got to see the reality & it wasnt pretty & made me sick ….hes a sad pathetic little old man on meth…..(I’m sure OW he discarded me for was a tweeker i saw her with him 1 week after he dumped me & i stopped on my way back from Cabo to rub it in and was shocked to see her sitting in my chair & that fucked me up big time until now) ….. i feel i slayed the dragon & saw him for what he really is….he no longer has any power….i April fooled the fool….thank you Zari if it wasnt for your books & this site i would still be chasing him down trying to make him love me going insane in the process. xoxo

        • Zari Ballard

          April 8, 2016 at 5:51 pm Reply

          Hi Joanne,

          Wow…thank you for the update, girl. I have to say that it gave me a bittersweet sad twinge imagining the scene. Normally I might have to scold someone for popping in on the ex but I think there are some cases, such as yours, where it obviously had to happen. You felt it and you did it and now you know. And yes, you April fooled the fool! I love it that you looked tanned and beautiful, fresh off a beach chair on the whites sands of the Bahamas. Woo-hoo! That’s what he deserves. Did you go alone on the trip? I want to know….so glad that you don’t sit around.

          A twinge of bittersweet does us well sometimes. Consider that the final ending – the closing scene – to this particular movie of your life. Rock on and stay strong!

          Zari xo

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