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Cheating Narcissists & Why Great Sex with You Changes Nothing

narcissist-cheater-sexThe narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.

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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.

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The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.

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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.

My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.

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Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.

I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact,  and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.

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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.

YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.

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144 Comments

  • Maria Jane

    August 6, 2021 at 2:27 pm Reply

    “I was in Miami with my HUSBAND and his parent for vacation. We had flown there on their private jet for a

    great weekend. Something felt off. Like, really off. And I did what you’re never supposed to do I reached

    out to hackgoodnesstech on insta, gram who helped me gain access to his phone without him knowing. It turns

    out he slept with someone else! So, there I am in Miami with his family with no way of hopping a flight back

    and we weren’t scheduled to leave for 2 more days. And this was our wedding anniversary. Right before dinner

    with his family.” MEN ARE WHAT?

  • stephanie miller

    May 7, 2019 at 1:29 pm Reply

    12 years for me and did the back and forth. I went down the rabbit hole and I know there’s more than what I even found out about. The last cheating incident was my last, I couldn’t have sex with him without thinking of him with her and all the rest, so what was originally amazing sex now didn’t occur or ended with me crying or pushing me off of me. It made me sick to my stomach cause he wasn’t safe with any of these women. I finally met my limit way too many years and fights later but this time is different for me. It doesn’t change and it’ll never change, he’s 45 years old and I pitty him cause he’ll die alone but that’s what he deserves. Working on breaking the cycle but getting myself back and living mostly stress free (i still get calls, the pics I sent to him, he’s set his social media to private, breaking into my house, etc) I’m sleep easy hell it got so bad I couldn’t even sleep in the same bed with him. He sneakily moved out I came home early from work and he said he just had to come back for the jeep and the cat but everything else was gone. Of course knee jerk reaction as I’m trauma bonded was shock, hurt, pain, but this isn’t the first time he just upped and moved out. The cat is gone, that’s ok wasn’t my cat, but the jeep is still at my house but I don’t even bother him to remove it it’s all a ploy to keep and establish contact. I did slip up but I’m newly on no contact and unfortunately may need to get a restraining order (again). Pages like this, comments from others that have experienced this help me stay strong so thank you and I hope if you’re reading this break the cycle. It’s an abusive relationship that will never bring you joy or happiness and this life is too short to not have anything but joy and happiness with the person you love.

  • vince Sanchez

    March 30, 2019 at 4:55 am Reply

    Hi, I am the HUSBAND of a narcissist wife. This information is so correct it just further breaks my heart. I knew my wife was cheating even before we got married, and we married within a year and a half of starting to date. It seems that one of my kids knew/knows of the personality of his mother though she successfully hid her ‘wounded self’ from me for nearly 18 years. Sometimes i feel like im nuts. Othertimes if feel like im so correct in my assessment that the fact that others just don’t seem to be able to comprehend makes me feel even more nuts. I am stable though. luckily my family is still intact; meaning my mother and father are still together and my siblings 5x are there to support. Also, i am grateful for the faith i was taught, beginning with the truth that we all recognize in our hearts/minds otherwise known as our spirit. I am so sad. I miss my wife very very very much. But the truth is i never had a wife given that the promise of marriage is between two people. I now know that she was spreading herself around the entire time. I was loyal, this is in my nature. After her abuses spread to our children, or more appropriately, after i realized and was finally told by my kids about the abuses they were suffering, i decided to ‘push’ her out. I did so by standing my ground one night after she covertly punched me in the eye. This sort of thing only started happening after i found her pictures, the most disturbing a spouse can find of there loved one. Things so against the sanctity you might have believed in that hurt is not a real word anymore. My wife Monique L San is still loved by me very much.. I do mean so very much. But she is not a real person. There is a Wounded Self and a Fake Self at work in her and it took me 18 years to discover this. Since i have i have been punished for every question, every suspicion. Punished to the point of sleeping in the garage having reversed the deadbolt so i could sleep…..sometimes. I still have done all i can to protect my kids; all 6 of them but there came a time when i knew it had to end. This was last Saturday. So i used the situation when she punched me to STAND. She instantly showed her hate for me and i didn’t back down. I told her the TRUTH and she got her necessities and split. Now she is claiming i am an abuser. She did this for so long and i never knew until i gained access to her Instagram posts. She GAVE me access in an attempt to appease my fear so she could covertly continue with her exploits. I looked further back than she expected however and found that she was attempting to ‘Hook Up’ with just about everyone we knew. Her work friends, those we met along the way, MY COUSINS, even my brother is holding something back but at this point i can see right through him. She is meeting mainly with people, men and women, over 60. Im not really sure why. I think it is because she has been amassing money knowing that i would eventually not accept here continued cheating. HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR SPOUSE MAKE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE, DRIVE DOWN THE ROAD AND PIC UP A MAN OR WOMAN AND THEN DRIVE STRAIGHT TO THE NEAREST AREA WHERE THEY COULD DO WHAT THEY DO FOR 10, 15, 20, 25, or 30 MINUTES AND THEN RETURN HOME WITH THE SMELL ON HER AND IN HER CAR, WHICH YOU BOUGHT HER, AND IMMEDIATELY ASK YOU TO ‘F’ HER? Have you ever seen or felt, or smelled, the ‘Stuff’ of another person running down her legs, or soaked into her panties or just play pouring out of her and STILL ENGAGED with her? I have. THE PAIN IS UNREAL, AND THIS IS WHAT SHE NEEDED EVEN MORE SO THAN SATISFYING, OR ATTEMPTING TO SATISFY, HER HYPERACTIVE SEX DRIVE. SHE NEEDED ME AS COVER….FOR 18 YEARS!!! HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I KNEW RIGHT AWAY. DROPPED A VIDEO CAMERA IN THE BACK SEAR OF HER CAR WHEN WE WERE STILL DATING AND SHE CAME UP WITH REASON TO DRIVEW 50 MILES ROUND TRIP TO A STORE SHE NEVER WENT TO BEFORE AND HASN’T SINCE. YEP YOU GUESSED IT..I HAD TO SHUT LENS COVER BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS OPEN THE LEDs ON THE CAMERA WERE EVIDENT. SOO I ONLY CAUGHT AUDIO. THIS AUDIO PLAINLY REVEALED SEX. I WAS OBLITERATED. THEN SHE SOMEHOW DISTRACTED ME ENOUGH AND FOR LONG ENOUGH THAT I CHALKED IT UP TO ME NOT REALLY KNOWING WHAT WAS TRUE AND WHAT WASNT. This is the CONTROL she has had over me for all of these years. She demanded funds everyday. Never too much, mostly 25 or 50 her and their to just do this or that. Then she started asking for hundreds and not saying why. I gave her the money because at the time i still did not know about all of this. I did quickly realize she wasnt spending it however. I printed a transfer statement about 2 months ago because money started moving out of my account without my knowledge. Transferes and withdrawls…100 here 38 there.. SHE MOCKED ME and called a PU*** a BI*** and everything else a person can call another to make them feel…like not going on. Then she would make something to eat and bring me a plate, usually in the garage where i sat staring without meaning to, just lost in a sort of black hole. She stopped feeding our little ones.. Only tossing a bag of chips at them here and there while she made herself great personal meals. She is a very good cook. I saw all of this but really couldn’t believe it.. It is the strangest, in addition to the most terrible thing to finally realize what your life actually means to THE PERSON. THE PERSON YOU **STILL LOVE** after finding all of this. SHE IS GONE THOUGH. SHE IS THREATENING custody battle now. She didnt want to be a mom when she was here..Told me flat out many times. SHE SCREAMS CUSS WORDS AT ME AND AT THEM ALL THE TIME, like she cant even hear herself. She went to the kids school to give them some money the other day, and she told them to expect her to come for them on Sunday. Since she left i have still sent her love messages. I wanted her to know how much i miss her. What a fool i am. I hope she… I don’t actually have anything to hope for.. What is this? I know but i still don’t understand. Im sorry for my post. I needed someone, just anyone to know what me and my children are surviving. SHE went to a shelter. Im all good with that. My fear is that she is saying that i was the one, you know. She did leave the kids with me though and i think that speaks for itself. I never touched her, not one single time in an aggressive manner. I never even covered up when she struck me again and again, sometimes cutting me in strange patterns on my face with her hands. EVENTUALLY SHE DID THE SAME TO OUR SIX YEAR OLD AND I had to stand. So why am i so empty and she is so happy? What in the world makes a person do things like this? -vince

    • Zari Ballard

      July 26, 2019 at 1:28 am Reply

      Hi Vince,

      This is such a sad story. I am grateful that you have the kids and yes, that does speak for itself. This woman is awful, narcissistic, and a sex addict to boot. She reminds me of character in a movie a long, long time ago…”Looking for Mr.Goodbar” with Diane Keaton. It was about a female sex addict who runs around picking up strange guys for the thrill of it. It didn’t end well. Do not spend time wondering WHY. You have to be glad you have escaped with your life and your HEALTH. Believe me, you are not alone and female narcs are the worst of the worst. I am so sorry for your pain, the emptiness will pass if you allow it too, my friend.

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