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Trauma Bonding & the Narcissist – Twisted Attachment

emotional-rollar-coasterFeeling attached to a narcissist or sociopath even though he treats us badly is a constant source of angst for those in recovery from toxic relationships. Victims want to know why…why can’t I just let go of this guy? Why can’t I move on? Why am I obsessed with no closure? Why do I feel so connected to someone who feels no connection to me? One logical answer to this is that we’re normal and they’re not and normal people want to fix things that are broken so that they work again.

The problem, of course, is that a narcissist can’t be fixed because he was never right to begin with. In essence, the narcissist isn’t really broken at all. He simply is what he is and what he is is no good. This being true, what do we do, after a Discard, when we can’t shake the feeling of being only ½ a person without him…of feeling utterly attached even when we’re apart and even when he’s with someone else? Why can’t we disconnect from the Bad Man? Well, there is an answer to this for those who seek a deeper psychological reason for the suffering and it’s a condition often referred to as trauma bonding.

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When we think of trauma bonding, we typically associate it with The Stockholm Syndrome (TSS) – a condition named after a real-life situation where a group of hostages became emotionally attached to their kidnapers. TSS, however, although certainly similar to trauma bonding, typically occurs in life-threatening situations where the victim is literally in fear of dying at the hands of her toxic, abusive partner. Trauma bonding is more descriptive of the attachment dilemma that occurs from the type of trauma caused to our emotions (i.e. betrayal and neglect, over and over and over). It’s the type of bonding that can easily occur via passive-aggressive manipulation (i.e. sex, lies, silent treatments) and other forms of narcissistic control.

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The narcissist partner, as cunning as he or she is, understands the process for streamlining a victim’s codependency to point of least resistance. He has actually figured out – without a single day of formal training – that the best way to ensure narcissistic supply is to create trauma bonds with his targets via the method of “seduce and discard”.  He has figured out an easy way to turn us into a narcissist’s enabler.

The conditioning that leads to trauma bonding focuses on two powerful sources of reinforcement recurring in succession over and over and at perfectly timed intervals. Psychologists call this reinforcement the ‘arousal-jag’ which actually refers to the excitement before the trauma (arousal) and the peace of surrender afterwards (jag). Take a second to reflect on the narcissist’s behaviors. Creating trauma bonds is what he’s been doing his whole life!

‘Arousal-jag’ reinforcement is all about giving a little and then taking it away over and over and over in well timed intervals. Narcissists do this all the time (disappearing/reappearing, silence/chaos) whereby creating an illusion of twisted excitement that reinforces the traumatic bond between us and them. And to be clear, the narcissist feels a connection here as well only his connection is to the excitement alone and not to us. This is why a narcissist always has multiple partners because it doubles and triples his excitement factor. The fact that we – as his victims – become so attached to the chaos that we’ll eagerly await a hoover is quite an added bonus!

Are you getting it yet??

The excitement before the trauma (of betrayal and neglect) is created during the devalue stage…that point in time right before a discard when our intuition has already told us he’s going to leave based on his behaviors. It’s that knot-in-the-stomach feeling, the overwhelming urge to call his phone 100 times, the torment of cognitive dissonance…. it’s the hours spent scouring the internet looking for clues…it’s the feeling we get from the chaos that a narcissist ALWAYS creates right before the silence. Like it or not, we become highly addicted to his narcissistic behaviors and all of the nonsense that goes with it… and we miss it like a motherfucker when it’s gone…when, suddenly, the narcissist goes silent. We long for the connection – as manipulated and fabricated as it is – until we can barely breathe. Then, right before we either kill ourselves or come to our senses, in swoops the narcissist once again – like a Phoenix rising – to give us the second reinforcement: the peace of surrender that happens afterwards. His reappearance is meticulously timed for maximum effect and usually follows a silent treatment that has lasted just a tad longer than the one before. The narcissist is conditioning us to accept less and less so he can get away with more each time he vanishes.

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Either way, this second dose of reinforcement – the peace of surrender – is absolutely heaven! Again, it’s an addiction – to the narcissist and the make-up sex, to the vanishing of our anxiety, and to the feeling of calmness and euphoria we get from knowing that, once again, we’ve been given a reprieve to breathe until the cycle repeats again. Seduce and discard…seduce and discard…till the end of all fucking time. And, at the moment it’s happening, we’re actually okay with that! In fact, there’s no place in the world we’d rather be.

As I am writing this, I am realizing that my ex worked very, very hard at trauma bonding. In fact, he was a Master at it, subjecting me to silent treatments (two weeks on/two weeks off) like clockwork, for months at a time, and with no explanation at all. In addition, from mid-October to mid-January every year for 13 years he made like Houdini and fell completely off the grid.  And right before leaving, he’d ramp up the chaos, making me feel horribly anxious and angry yet desperate for his attention. But I was addicted to it and he knew it.  Wayne knew exactly what he was doing!

Our addiction to the narcissistic chaos and then to the reprieve also explains why we find it so hard to maintain No Contact and/or to move on into new relationships after it’s over. No one excites us in quite the same way or with the same intensity as a toxic partner. Via trauma bonding, we become the suffering and the suffering becomes us. We forget what normalcy feels like. We stop differentiating between good excitement and bad excitement. The chaos and turmoil becomes almost as big a turn-on for us as it does for the N.

If we look back on or inward on (if we’re still in it) our relationship, we see that at the moment the Idolize Phase ends, the trauma bonding began. We may not have even known this but you can be sure that the narcissist did. As time passed and the narcissistic partner became more successful at managing down our expectations of the relationship, our connection to the nonsense began to stick like super glue. But now that we know it….that there is a name for that strange hold this bizarre person had over us..we can make sure it never happens to us again. If we’re still in the relationship, then we can get out (and fast!) because, unlike a hostage victim who trauma bonds with a kidnapper, we are NOT being held at gunpoint and we CAN escape. Let us be grateful for that fact and do what we need to do to save our sanity.

 

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125 Comments

  • joni

    November 28, 2015 at 9:29 pm Reply

    I am married to a narc and he is an alcoholic! Very verbally abusive! 6 yeras! I left him 3 times and went back. I have children but they are not his. Everything u described in your post us dead on! It is an aggonizing torment! I have lost alot of weight! He moved out 2 months ago said he was sick of arguing but he was sick of not being able to drink cause im sick of being verbally abused when he does. When he was still here he would leave me for a day or two. And blame me. I cant do it anymore. I have been in so much pain! I work and take care of my children pay the bills. While he has moved over an hour away and does as he pleases. Then trys to make me feel as if its all my fault why im alone. So done hurting.I dont want to hurt anymore.

  • Sandro

    September 23, 2015 at 10:42 pm Reply

    This is my life exactly. I am dumbfounded by the accuracy of every word and experience. I am also panicked in that, whereas I was knowing “something wasn’t right”, (I’ve read and researched some), I still fell for his lying bs and I married him just two weeks ago. He went MIA and moved out since our “vows”. (I found out he was cheating with his secretary. I was calm and tried to talk to him about it). I also drank in a bar upon finding out, so he left me for being a whore. (He cheated!! Not me. And days before our wedding). But I’m the whore?! Long story short, I wish I had found YOUR site two weeks and one day ago.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2015 at 12:16 am Reply

      Hi Sandro,

      I wish you’d found my website earlier too! I am so sorry that this has happened to you, my friend, and there has got to be a way to fix it. PLEASE don’t stay married to this man. Just two 1/2 weeks into it, you should be able to get out of it fairly quickly and without a hassle. Do not stay in this marriage out of guilt, embarrassment, or because you fell, as his wife now, that you should stay and try to fix it. You CAN’T fix it because he’s un-fixable.

      I’m going to my email right now to send you a copy of my first book When Love Is a Lie. Consider it a wedding present! (LOL) Please read it because I feel it will help you. I will send it to the email you used to post your comment here. You must get out before too much time passes. Make it easy on yourself NOW so that you can live the rest of your life with peace.

      Go to your email and look for my book – I just sent it! I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Jane

    August 16, 2015 at 9:09 pm Reply

    I ran across this article the othe day and I was engulfed with an array of emotions. 🙁
    http://mattforney.com/crush-girls-self-esteem/

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2015 at 6:09 am Reply

      Hi Jane,

      I’ve been on vacation and just now getting to read the article at your link. Look, it is clear that this guy is a complete asshole. It took everything I had to not comment on his ranting but I realized it would do no good at all. You and I both know that not all men are like this. What we do know is that narcissists are EXACTLY as he describes…the attitude, the callousness, the emptiness…and that they never change. Do not take this man’s words to heart because they were obviously written for shock value alone. Men like this are only happy when they can hurt another. Do not allow anyone like this to take over life. If anything, this article is a wonderful representation of everything that we all know to be true about narcissists and it’s right from the horse’s mouth (ugly as is it).

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Confused

    May 31, 2015 at 3:42 pm Reply

    I’m writing because I’m not sure if my ex is a narcissist or not. He fits some of the descriptions but not all. We were together 9 months. He never abused me and when we would fight, it was usually me who would go silent not him. Because that’s my childish way of handling things when I don’t know what to say or how to process my hurt. I would never go longer than 2 days with not talking to him. And he would always text during that time telling me he’s not giving up on me, he’s fighting for me, etc. Oh God! Maybe I’m the narcissist????? I broke it off with him 2 weeks ago after finding out about a woman he has been talking/texting/communicating with since 2012. She lives in another state though. I spoke with the woman on the phone, she said they were a couple, he told her she was the love of his life, he wanted to marry her, move in with her, even took her on a “dream date” to NYC (the same dream date he told me WE would do when the weather got nice). The thing is, when I confronted him about it, he promptly got this woman on a three way call with all of us asking her “why is she doing this?? She knows he broke it off with her last July (we met in August, 2014), they were just friends now, he’s seen in her 4 times in 3 years”, etc. getting very upset with her. Her and I then talked on our own. The thing is I don’t know if I really believe this woman either. She seems a little off somehow although I can’t put my finger on it. Like she wants info from me but doesn’t want to give me any. On the other hand though, why would she lie? The kicker about this woman though, is that 2 weeks before this, when I initially heard about her and found out he was talking to her, he asked her to call me, which she did and said there was nothing going on between them, they were friends from years ago. So I know she’s a liar one way or another. Either now or then. But am I just in denial? Is he really just a liar, cheater and manipulator and I just don’t want to see it? It doesn’t make sense that he would get her on a three way call if he were trying to hide something right? I’m so confused. All I know is, I broke it off with him 14 days ago after I spoke to this woman. I broke it off because I was hurt and angry and because I felt like it was what I was “supposed” to do after finding this out (this wasn’t the first time I’d caught him in a lie). In fact, I had told him before any of this even went down that this was his last chance at being honest. I had asked him that very afternoon when he talked to her last. He said 2 1/2 -3 years ago. Swore to it. Then when we were all on the phone together he said he broke it off with her in July 2014 (after their dream date in NYC) and then she mentioned they saw eachother in November of 2014 for lunch and he agreed. So I KNOW he lied about that. The thing is, I can’t stop doubting myself. Thinking maybe this is all just a misunderstanding. Maybe he’s just been caught up in a lot of unfortunate misunderstandings and bad breaks. Maybe it’s true when he told me he doesn’t want to lie anymore. That he felt better after I found out about his lies because he didn’t have to make up stories anymore and he could just be himself. Maybe he was being honest when he said he wants to change and he needs/wants me to be there and help him. Maybe I jumped the gun and shouldn’t have broken it off with him so fast. Maybe I should have heard him out first or at least tried to get to the bottom of the whole other woman thing. I’m feeling so sad and desperate because I haven’t heard one word from him since I broke it off and it’s killing me (it’s been 14 days which is longer than we’ve EVER not spoken to eachother. I’m used to constant texts from him from 1st thing in morning to bedtime). Why isn’t he contacting me? I know I broke up with him but why wouldn’t he still try to contact me? Why isn’t he apologizing and trying to get me back? Why????

    • Zari Ballard

      June 6, 2015 at 12:55 am Reply

      Dear Confused,

      Thank you for writing and I’m going to give you my opinion here – the first of it being that I do agree that there is fault all around. That being said, every question that you asked in your letter and every angle from which you’ve viewed this situation (the three-way call, why he would lie, why she would lie, maybe this or that) are all what I would be asking myself so you are on the right track (trying to think it through). The GOOD NEWS, based on what you’ve told me about all of you involved, is that I honestly don’t believe that any of you are narcissists. I just think that you and he are caught up in an unnecessary triangle – a kind of “he said/she said” scenario on steroids – and it blew way out of control. Nothing about the situation appears narcissistic at all so you don’t need to add that into the mix, okay? You just have to figure out what to do…and what YOU want to do.

      Here’s what I think about 1) the three-way call: I agree with you that it seems ludicrous that he would actually initiate a three-way call if he didn’t think that it wouldn’t go in his favor so I, to that end, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, 2) The Dream Date: I admit this gives me a weird feeling but I hate to diagnose him based on this alone. But, yes, it’s weird and I’d like to know what he said when you confronted him about the fact that he likes to throw around the same dream date to all his girlfriends. Jesus Christ, couldn’t he have at least changed the CITY for YOUR Dream Date??, 3) why she would lie: Many reasons here – the least of which is that she likes seeing you jealous and really rubbed it in. She also still might like him. And even, as you stated, she has proven a propensity to lie, she DID participate in the three-way call in his favor and that phone call could easily have gone the other way. Personally, I think you spent WAY too much time talking to this person and she obviously got satisfaction out of it. That was ridiculous and just opened up the Pandora’s Box. Don’t ever talk to her again – she has nothing more to tell you that could ever be beneficial to your cause either way, 3) His lying: You don’t show much evidence of this as a behavior so I have to assume he was just trying to downplay the situation/avoid confrontation because it really meant nothing and, in the process, left out a couple things. I know that I’ve done that in my life and I always got caught too. Now, having said that, if he’d been in constant communication with this chick over the nine months, I agree that’s fucked up. I don’t care if they’re just friends, it wouldn’t be happening on my watch. So, was he or wasn’t he?

      Look, your relationship is/was still in the very early stages. Nine months is still the very beginning – a time when two people are still adjusting to being a new couple in a new relationship. Sometimes this means we’re still working behind the scenes to tie up loose ends with other people, ending friendships and relationships…. because we’ve found someone we really like. Do you know what I mean? It’s possible that is what was happening. Only you know what kind of guy he is. Do YOU really think that he was doing the narcissist thing and juggling relationships? Think about how he treated you otherwise. Really think about it. At the same time that I don’t want you to be fooled, I also don’t want you to go the other way and assume he is something he isn’t. Do what your gut tells you but, please, you’re not a narcissist. Sure, you probably do need to stop the jealousy thing and the disappearing for two days because that won’t fly with anyone. It’s possible that he’s had enough of it and is going to let you go. You have to decide if the relationship is worth it. But if you do go back or if he contacts you, you have to let the whole thing about the woman go. Don’t call her or bust his balls about it or nag him over it. If you have no other reason to believe that he’s a cheating, relationship-juggling asshole, then he may be worth another shot. Or not. Maybe you’re really not in love with the dude. Maybe you don’t appreciate that he couldn’t bother to think of a different city for YOUR Dream Date. That is kind of weird but if the reason for this double dream city date is the fact that he just LOVES that city or that he’s just kind of a ding-dong sometimes, MAYBE you could live with that. Can you? If you can’t, you know what? Move on and find someone else. It’s only been nine months and you have a right to change your mind. And actually, so does he. Think and do what feels right.

      Good luck, girlfriend!

      Zari xo

  • Matt

    May 28, 2015 at 7:10 pm Reply

    Im a narcisisst. I gotta say a few things. First some of you ladies sound borderline. This is a lethal combo of a relationship. Narcissists, well me, Ill only ever go quiet or “no contact” at the perception that Im about to be left. I am NOT doing it to cause pain or inflict any sort of bond. How you react to that, from your mind to your heart is up to you. I am only doing it for self preservation. I love. I know I do. Im in love right now and in a quiet time with the one I love. Im doing it now because I am infact TRYING TO MOVE ON. Im not doing it to create some sort of attachment. I am in love with a borderline who can chew right through my soul… And have a fear of attachment.. So Ill back off. Unfortunately the dynamic is that they also have a fear of abandonment… So I become the bad guy. I noticed one girl saying her narcisisst changed his number.. MAYBE HE WAS TRYING TO ACTUALLY MOVE ON?!! I just deleted my facebook… Its so I can repair and heal from the thrashing I just took. In the end we are all human with feelings. I hate this portrayal that narcissists are these other worldly creatures with no soul. Its such a joke.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2015 at 4:24 pm Reply

      Matt wrote... I’m a narcissist…I am in love with a borderline who can chew right through my soul…..So Ill back off. Unfortunately the dynamic is that they [borderlines] also have a fear of abandonment… So I become the bad guy. In the end we are all human with feelings. I hate this portrayal that narcissists are these other worldly creatures with no soul. Its such a joke.

      Hi Matt,

      I gotta admit, you’ve put a very clever spin on certain behaviors of a narcissist..kind of a reverse psychology sort of thing.. but I know too much about the condition for any of it to fly with me. First of all, you’ve conveniently forgotten that, well, the definition of a narcissist is a creature with no soul and no human feelings and there’s no way to spin that. I recommend, perhaps, that you read my book When Love Is a Lie to get a feel for how the behaviors of these creatures affect the people who love them. So with nothing but your words to argue against, check it out:

      You say Ill only ever go quiet or “no contact” at the perception that Im about to be left. I am NOT doing it to cause pain or inflict any sort of bond. . Unfortunately, this is NOT the way it happens. Narcissist enjoy the game of pretending that things are great with a partner and then vanishing for no reason at all. No fight, no nothing. Typically, this is because a narcissist juggles more than one relationship at any given time and has to go back and forth on a moment’s notice to keep up the charade with either one. The narcissist manages down each partner’s expectations of the relationship so that they expect less and he gets away with more. Now, having said that, a narcissist will, upon returning, always find a way to blame the other for him leaving (i.e. “But I thought you were going to leave me. Oh, you weren’t? Sorry about that. Well, I’m back now!”)

      You say, I love. I know I do. Im in love right now and in a quiet time with the one I love. Im doing it now because I am infact TRYING TO MOVE ON. I’m not doing it to create some form of attachment. I assume when you say “quiet time with the one I love” that you mean you’re giving her the silent treatment (a break-up in disguise), right? This allows you to disappear and “move on” (as you say) without actually saying the words “We are now broken up – forever!”, right? Moreover, because you never actually used the words “break-up”, you’ve left her without closure, wondering and worrying and still attached. Although calling it “quiet time” is very clever indeed, I’m fairly positive that she’s not thinking of it that way.

      You wrote…I noticed one girl saying her narcisisst changed his number.. MAYBE HE WAS TRYING TO ACTUALLY MOVE ON?!! I just deleted my facebook… Its so I can repair and heal from the thrashing I just took. Oh, I certainly understand how changing one’s number could mean “moving on”. It’s when the narcissist changes his number only to reappear a week or even a month later as if changing his number was no big deal. Over and over. Of course, changing a number only to reappear later is often a way to keep one partner from being able to find you when you go back to the other.

      Based on what you’ve written and having explained how I see it, I would have to say that, yes, you really are a narcissist who, after reading online about how the world actually views narcissism, must have suddenly felt compelled to defend your own bizarre behaviors. Your biggest mistake there was doing it on my website where I could respond. No matter how you try to spin the blame back to your girlfriend (a narcissistic tactic known as projecting>, by the way) by making her (and us) think she’s borderline (a narcissistic tactic known as gaslighting), the fact is that you’re making excuses for your own abnormal narcissistic behaviors and it simply doesn’t work. Given that, it would make sense that you’d also claim to have human feelings and be actually able to “love” someone because every narcissist does that. The problem there is that this claim makes NO SENSE at all since the DEFINITION of a narcissist MEANS THAT YOU HAVE NEITHER. Since this definition can’t be changed but you still claim to be a narcissist, what on earth could YOUR definition of narcissism even be?? The fact is that while not every bad guy is a narcissist, ALL narcissists ARE bad guys. You can’t have it both ways. You either are or you aren’t.

      Also, every single girlfriend of a narcissist has been called a “borderline” when she calls a narcissist out on his mind-fucking, crazy-making behaviors. That’s an old one and I’m on to it. We’re all on to it.

      Thanks for sharing….

      Zari

  • Gidget Martin

    May 22, 2015 at 12:09 pm Reply

    Dear Zari I am writing to you after reading your web site and your comments to the others who have sent in posts. I don’t know if I have a narcissist in my life or not. For one thing my case is entirely different my narc is my very own daughter.
    I had joined to Narcissist support groups in hopes of learning more and getting some much needed support. Instead what I got from one group was that I was the narcissist, which floored me, the other group asked questions that they felt needed clarification. I should mention that what started this was I had posted my daughters last few messages to me on a blog and had sent the link to the group to read so that they could get a better in site into what I was dealing with. I realize know that instead of posting the last messages I should have gone back to the beginning after I evicted her and started to stand up for myself. That is when she showed her true nature. The first was posted on Face Book for all the family and friends to read.. It was horrible I was embarrassed not so much for me but for her. People who know me knew she was out and out lying, many our friends and family have even seen her in action and were completely taken aback. Many thought she was Psychotic.
    I honestly don’t know which she is, I need some answers and mostly I need help in understanding how to break the tie she has on me. When I evicted her I thought that would be the end, I told her even tho she was my daughter and I loved her I was finished with her using me and walking all over my emotions, the lies,the pig sty she turned the basement into, (is set up as a Mother in law type of apartment self sustaining) the list goes on and on.
    What I would like from you I guess is is I were to send you all the correspondence between us and my SO (who was drug into the first E-mail) so he is very much a part of this whole mess. Just maybe you can give me some answers as to what I am dealing with. I realize this is asking a lot from you, I really just don’t know where to turn to next. As much as I didn’t want to I want no more contact with my daughter, I see now how she meant it when she said years ago she was going to destroy me and all that I loved.. Why she said this I don’t know.
    If you feel you can not assist me I will understand. Thank you.
    Sincerely Pupsmum (Gidget L.M.Martin

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2015 at 5:26 pm Reply

      Hi Gidget,

      You can send me anything you like through this link. It goes directly to my personal email and I’ll respond from there after reading through it. It may take me a few days to get back to you but I promise that I will, okay?

      Chat with you soon…

      Zari

      • Gidget Martin

        June 1, 2015 at 8:55 am Reply

        Thank you Zari I really do appreciate your help with this. It will take me a day or two to gather up all my messages and e-mails. There isn’t all that much its just long text messages back and forth and E-mails. I will get them sent out to you ASAP. Thanks agian.

        • Zari Ballard

          June 5, 2015 at 4:14 pm Reply

          Hi Gidget,

          Hang tight, okay….I’ve got my sister here from Colorado until Sunday and then I promise I’ll get to your email. So sorry but it’s been crazy. I won’t forget:)

          Zari

  • Lisa

    May 21, 2015 at 2:44 am Reply

    I can definetly relate to the losing touch of what a normal relationship is and actually being addicted to the chaos my monster ex caused…nobody else was ever Good enough.i still cannot seem to stick to no contact mostly because of our kids but also because I just impulsively do it…I remember his number and email and almost all of our friends are connected somehow.My ex has made me doubt my self doubt my sanity and make me think im going crazy.ive attempted two suicides over him and the last one he left me to die betting my life on the fact he thought he was right I didn’t really take the pills and not bothering to get help or reach out whatsoever.He literally was content to sit back and watch me die….a lightbulb went off…I cried in the ambulance I cried in the hospital….how could he not care after 11 years of a relationship and the mother of his two children….because they just don’t.Being a wife and mother doesn’t excuse u from their abuse and torment.Their snakes….glad I choose to get away I had to run three times but third time I just never came back….the silent treatments he gave me when we were teenagers took a toll on me.anger resentment…I can be just as cruel as him now.i threaten his life and mean it,I stand toe to toe with him,I get violent back and started striking him back..he turned me into a good ol fashioned a u ubuser just like him.I survived countless women 20 that I know of plus the one thought to be babymama but wasn’t…smh….and I thought I was special cuz he chose me over those women littledid I know they were the lucky ones!they got away!i lost my own identity in him….I still am very hostile towards him…I wish I had a better hold on that but nomatter what I do I still think back to all that pain and see red in my eyes it makes me want to lash out at him.i just moved far away from him to prevent anything bad from happening.im wondering if this anger and aggression is common with this?And I wonder if I’ll ever fully cut contact and stop letting him use me by still having sex with him.which even that I’ve lost interest in it just doesn’t feel the same anymore…the love is fading fast…

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2015 at 6:03 pm Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for sharing and I’m just glad that you’ve moved far away. Please, if you do nothing else, stop having sex with the guy. If you do that, you won’t have to do any of the other things (getting violent, acting nuts, threatening him). All that goes away. I’m not saying that you won’t feel like doing all those things but why put yourself through that at all if stopping the sex will end at least the most personal connection? The truth is that he’s only turned you into an abuser towards him and he just doesn’t care. He’s going to move on no matter what so all that and the sex, to him, means absolutely nothing. My point is that he’s not getting a message at all. It will never turn him around, as you know, so it just has to stop. Any “crazy” behavior on your part just proves his point to everyone else. It’s best to simply show DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE to everything he does – that will be your best revenge. That and your happiness. He doesn’t deserve all the attention even if its negative. You simply can not beat these monsters at their own game. Believe me, I tried it and it just doesn’t happen. If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie (Amazon) because you will see yourself on every page of my story. I went through it for 13-years and lived to tell the tale. These guys simply don’t give a shit what happens to us and they never will. They also don’t care much for their own children and will only use them to keep YOU from having any iota of a normal life. Narcissist LOVE to see us react to their behaviors so that they can deem US as the crazy one. Why even go there? Now that you’ve moved away, STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. You don’t have to fight with him about it, just say NO MORE and mean it. DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE are the only reactions you can show that will ever make a difference.

      Please stay strong and write often if you need to. I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

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