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How Narcissist’s Triangulate: Death Of a Heart By a 1000 Cuts

narcissists-and-triangulationTriangulation is a passive-aggressive manipulation tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths to instill feelings of jealousy and insecurity in their partners. It’s a tactic by which narcissists can create thrilling illusions of popularity, making themselves out to be far busier and more socially-in-demand outside of the relationship than they really are. This narcissistic strategy, like all the others, slips quietly into the relationship over time so that you – the loving partner – barely know it’s happening until you start to get “that feeling”.

When the narcissist triangulates, victims find themselves feeling jealous of people, places, and things that, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t warrant a second glance. If you’ve always known the narcissist to be a loner, triangulation makes it appear that you’ve been wrong all along. If the narcissist has always had “friends”, triangulation is used to milk his popularity for all it’s worth. Either way, the desired result is that you feel anxious, suspicious, and insecure about every little thing.

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You may even begin to feel guilty about your jealous thoughts and doubtful of your ability to act “normal”. When and if you do confront the N about your suspicions, he’ll call you delusional or needy or bi-polar and he will never admit to anything at all. He’ll look at you with a blank stare and claim he doesn’t have the slightest clue what you’re talking about… “Fine,” he’ll say, “I guess I can’t tell you anything about anyone. All I’m trying to do is make conversation with you. You’re so insecure.” And the triangulation will continue.

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Narcissist always triangulate – even if you don’t know they’re doing it. Patient as always, the N will simply do it and do it and do it until you fucking get it…until he breaks you of all that confidence and security that made you attractive to him to you in the first place.

The thing that makes triangulation so amazing is that it’s extremely flexible and can actually involve absolutely anything – even inanimate objects. My ex spent most our years together triangulating me with his cell phone…his cell phone! At any given time, his phone was either glued to his hand, hunkered down in the pocket of his jeans, locked inside his car attached to the charger, mysteriously lost (when he was with me) and then mysteriously found (after he got home), conveniently “out of the area” and unable to get a signal, turned off, out of minutes, not working properly (until a call came in), on vibrate (so that I wouldn’t hear it ring), suddenly unable to receive texts, or suddenly able to receive only texts. He always had a myriad of crazy-making excuses as to why I couldn’t see it, hear it, know about it, or get within five feet of it. In my mind, that cell phone had long legs, cute hair, and a great ass. As a bonus gesture, my ex would, during a silent treatment, even change his number, making me insane. Whether or not his phone, at any given time, really did contain the numbers of random girlfriends, I never really knew…but he sure jumped through hoops to make me feel that it did. Sound familiar? Believe me,  The Cell Phone Game is all about triangulation.

A narcissist will triangulate whenever he senses that you feel a little too comfortable in your own skin or (God forbid!) a little to relaxed within the relationship. For example, if he starts a new job, he’ll triangulate by casually mentioning – just one too many times – the bubbly receptionist and how much she reminds him of his ex or his sister or even you. He may let it slip oh-so-casually that he shared a secret with her in confidence that only you had known about or worse, in the middle of a fight he might say something like,

NARC: “See? I knew you’d act this way. Even Jessica knew it. She told me you’d do that and she was right. She doesn’t even know you and she knows you!”.

PARTNER: Really? So, you talk to her about me? You complain to her about your girlfriend and she comments? What kind of girl does that? What the fuck?

NARC: Oh, here we go. (snickers) See what I mean? I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. Doesn’t matter who I’m talking to, you’d have a fit. We were just talking that’s all. We talk about a lot of things.

PARTNER: Really? That’s nice. Why are you talking shit about me to anyone – let alone the girls at work? Do you have any clue how that makes me feel?

NARC: Stop starting shit and I won’t have anything to talk about. I gotta get back to the office.

I had the above conversation countless times with every new job he would start. Some narcissists, like my ex, will even set the stage before triangulation so that the inevitable betrayal will have the most impact. To do this, they may claim, at first, to actually hate the very female that later will quietly become the “confidante” OR they’ll go for long periods not mentioning anyone at all and then – BANG – suddenly some person you never even heard about appears to be his best friend. Yes, the narcissist will intentionally allow us to develop a false sense of confidence and security before he smacks us back to reality.

Now, to be clear, it’s completely normal for a couple to expect to share stories and have conversations about co-workers and friends…but nothing about these conversations are normal. Everything involving a narcissist has a slightly sinister edge to it. He can take a perfectly normal behavior – such as chatting amicably with his partner about casual events – and turn it upside down. It’ll be the passive-aggressive way he slips his clues into conversations or it’ll be the inflection in his voice or the attitude with which he says it. Above all else, it’ll be the strange way that whatever he is saying is making you feel. Triangulation is intended to make you doubt not only your importance in the narcissist’s life but your importance in the world in general. It’s a master tactic in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and it is intended to wreck you.

A narcissist will triangulate you with a girl, a guy, his mother or some other relative, a co-worker, a newly acquired acquaintance (that you will never meet), the landlord, a neighbor, the bartender, his boss…it goes on and on. The possibilities are endless. The sky’s the limit! And this person he speaks of may not even be his next target…or maybe she is…you’ll never know for sure. As a distraction to the whole thing, he may even triangulate you with one person while he cheats on you with another. More often than not, this other person will have no idea they’re even being used to triangulate. It’s all a glorious mystery! The intention, as always, is to ultimately trauma bond you to the madness. The narcissist will never let you relax. Ever.

Triangulation may manage down your expectations of the relationship to the point that you become quietly complacent. I became very quiet in the last few years, tangled up in cognitive dissonance and confusion. After all, the last thing I wanted to do was make a big deal about nothing. His words, however, intentional or not, were my biggest clues as to what he was up to. By listening carefully instead of letting it all get to me, I slowly turned his ploy to my advantage. I learned how to read my narcissist like a book. Good or bad, I simply listened, storing information in my organized brain like I would in a file cabinet. Then, later, when I was alone, I’d pull out the files one by one and obsess about the phantom competition. It was a vicious cycle.

For those who’ve never been involved in this type of relationship, it’s hard to understand the dynamics of the triangulation strategy. Since there’s rarely proof to support our case, we often sound like jealous whiners with nothing to whine about. The sad fact is that triangulation becomes just another part of the nonsense that victims become addicted to. When, in fact, it should compel us to leave, it does the exact opposite. We instead become obsessed with holding on to our “position”. We completely forget what is and isn’t a “normal” part of romantic human interaction. Being subjected to this weirdness day after day changes who we are as a person – inside and out. It’s the death of a heart by a thousand cuts and yet another inexplicable reason why the aftermath – the emotional collateral damage – of narcissist abuse is so traumatic. Think about it and think about your life.

No one forces us to ride emotional roller coasters. In true love, there is no competition, real OR implied. Get a new attitude and take your power back. Life is so short and you deserve to be happy!

Have you been triangulated by a narc? Let me know in the comment section!

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85 Comments

  • Liz

    September 1, 2015 at 12:55 am Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I’m loving the site and it’s keeping me strong, the N hasn’t gone and his still out there hoovering, the latest was to ask for his badminton rackets, then he didn’t want them, then text asking could he pick them up at 945 at night, he asked me to put them out, so he could collect, this is just another tactic to get me to say hello lets talk.. But I just put them by the door, I watched him walk down to get them he had such a smug look on his face!! Have to say because I’ve had a few aha moments over the years!! I can predict a little because you must never under estimate the N, what his next move will be… And I’m ready an waiting, I no he hasn’t gone we still have a slight connection business wise but once that’s gone .. I would love to post his face all over a well known social network to warn other ladies but as we know there triangulation methods are amazing as they make you think all the other sources are crazy and don’t believe a word they say because we are the crazy people .. Not them , !! Obviously I’m not going to do that for my own safety.. The thought is a good one tho, so in the mean time I’m keeping stop spinning keep breathing by my side , reading your website and staying positive, so as I said before will be living and breathing as I should one day.. liz xxxx

    • Zari Ballard

      September 12, 2015 at 7:51 am Reply

      Hi Liz,

      Checking in to see how you’re holding up on those hoovers. Badminton rackets? This narcissist plays badminton? I thought that interesting!

      As for the social site, you’re right about the triangulation and about them apparently able to convince all that we’re nuts. The best revenge is a healed heart. I know that sounds corny, but, honestly, it’s what they hate…it’s what bothers them the most. A narcissist wants you to suffer all the time. This is why he comes back…to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. Don’t let him do it. Take a breath and pull the plug on this dude once and for all!

      I know you can do it, sister! Keep reading and writing and recovery will come, one day (and one step) at a time:)

      Zari xo

  • Foglifting Now

    August 26, 2015 at 2:10 pm Reply

    WOW Zari,
    This is EXACTLY WHAT I needed to hear to cut my ex Narc BASTARD out of my life for good!
    He would do this with his grandson, his two grown children, his son’s girlfriend, who he made clear that we we would never have the kind of partnership, they do,where she is included in family gatherings and things that they do.
    Now I know why I felt CRAZY! And, when I DID say I was envious of the position she held in the family, when I didn’t even meet his kids! He scolded me like a child, saying, I should NEVER be “envious.”
    Right, I forgot, he was the “Super Christian”. Yeah right!
    Thanks for bringing me super Clarity Zari! Ouch though. Love this site, & going to buy your books.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 9:10 pm Reply

      Dear Foglifting Now,

      If you think that my blog brings you clarity, wait until you read the books! LOL You will see yourself on every page, I guarantee it. I’m grateful to help in any way that I can and always know that I’m here to support you:)

      Stay strong, sister. You are not and never have been the crazy one. You’re perfect just the way you are and you deserve to be happy:)

      Zari xo

  • Christine

    August 25, 2015 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Boy oh boy, I’m so glad I’m no longer living with this kind of crap…and am now with a wonderful guy who goes out of his way to make me feel safe, secure and cherished. I’ll never forget how the narcissist once blatantly flirted with this really overweight, plain and insecure female acquaintance right in front of me (I don’t know her that well when she’s a friend of a friend–but at least from the few times I’ve interacted with her I’ve always found her nice, but very insecure and awkward) . I always wondered why he did that, when there were far more beautiful, confident women around. However, I just had my “aha” moment after reading this. Since she’s so plain and awkward, she rarely gets any male attention. So the few times she does get it, she’d jump at it–like offering food to a starving person. Whereas the more beautiful and confident women were probably out of his league, and more likely to have rejected him if he tried anything. It’s obviously difficult to create an illusion of popularity if I saw him getting shot down by other women! So he picked the easiest target he could find. However, it actually backfired and didn’t make me jealous at all. I thought that oh well, it’d be his stupid loss if he really would “downgrade” by ditching me for her! Even the first time I met him, I saw for myself he wasn’t all that “popular”. At the event I met him, all of the women there were flocking to another much taller and better looking man in the room (but alas, that one was married).

    Perhaps this is why narcissists play the cell phone game, because it’s easier to create that illusion of popularity with them. The narcissist then tried another tactic where he’d hide his phone from me, so that I wondered who was calling. He didn’t actually tell me explicitly he was talking to, or dating, other women, but he had ways of insinuating that by making vague references about going to a restaurant with someone–without telling me exactly with whom. This was more effective because then my brain tended to take over and fill in the gaps. Since I didn’t see who he was corresponding with, it was easier to imagine she could be younger, prettier, etc. Then the subsequent week-long silent treatment also helped foster that illusion, in making it seem like he was so “in demand” and busy with other people that he couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. It created that desperate, roller coaster inside me that I NEVER want to repeat. That was the final straw and I thought fine, if he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I’d give him what he wanted. That’s when I sent one final text to him breaking things off and blocked him. I’ve now recovered by reminding myself that his “popularity” was an illusion he manufactured, not anything real. After all, I saw with my own two eyes that he wasn’t all that popular and wasn’t actually able to get anyone better than me.

    Here’s what real love looks like with my boyfriend. He’s polite enough to friends and acquaintances I introduce him to, but wouldn’t even dream of flirting with any of them so they’re not “competition”. He creates trust by being upfront with me about who is calling and texting him on his cell so that I know it isn’t other women he’s seeing behind my back (i.e. his mother, sister, friends, etc.–a couple of times he’s even showed me his cell phone screen to share some funny text he just got from a friend, and we have a good laugh). He sees me as often as possible, to let me know how much he loves my company. He contacts me every day in between our dates, to make me feel safe and let me know he’s thinking of me. Most of all, he never lets a moment go by without telling me how much he loves me. I hope everyone else here demands that standard of conduct from everyone they ever date from now on and never, ever settles for anything less.

  • Diane

    August 25, 2015 at 12:47 pm Reply

    Zari,

    You have yet again hit the ball out of the park. Everything you described here was DONE TO ME by my ex and the former narcs in my life. Now the question for me is what did I allow THEM to DO THIS TO ME. Why was I under a spell that put me on the front line for emotional abuse? Why did I accept treatment that did not raise me, but rather tore me down, over and over again, emotionally degraded me to the point where I was walking around with my tail between my legs, fearful of the next kick?

    Why did I accept that this was normal behavior, acceptable, not worth being overly sensitive about. Why do I have this peculiar attraction for these truly peculiar people?

    In my case, maybe I didn’t really understand what healthy romantic love looked like. I didn’t see it in my mother’s relationships. My father disappeared when I was two. Maybe I thought that putting up with crap is the only way to get male attention and affection.

    I can see now how the trappings of my earliest childhood shaped me in ways that I would come to accept “future faking”, “triangulation”, “hoovering”, “silent treatments”, “abuse and discard”, “gaslighting” and “fishing expeditions” as being part of the normal bumps in an intimate relationship.

    Now, how come some women can see these behaviors and head for the hills and others, like me, make a beeline for the bedroom?

    Zari, I know you don’t like hearing this, but we have played an enormous role in enabling these suckers by rewarding them for their disgusting behavior. OK, it didn’t start put that way. But at some point it registered that what is going on in our so-called romantic lives is hurting us. It is demeaning to us, making us feel diminished and unimportant. Making us feel that we really don’t matter. Isn’t that the whole point of an intimate love relationship– knowing that the end of the day our beloved believes the we truly matter. Yet, we stayed, Zari. Long after it was time to go, we stayed thinking that we had no choice, this was as good as it gets, that one day he will see that I am the best fish in the sea.

    Zari, I believe that true healing only comes when we fully understand the role WE played in allowing ourself to be triangulated. Once we understand that it is in our power to put an end to narcissistic abuse by no longer allowing ourselves to be the guppy on his hook, the bogey man is dead. He has no more power. He’s been reduced to a puddle of water in the gutter you make a point of stepping over. No more pining over his silent treatments,suffering through no contact, wondering if he misses you. He is gone. Doesn’t exist.

    Thanks again for helping me get it.

    Diane

    • Christine

      September 2, 2015 at 10:02 am Reply

      Good question Diane. We deserve so much more, so why did we put up with this nonsense? I can’t speak for anyone else but my own answer is that a lot of it was ignorance and naivete. I truly didn’t know what narcissism was. I didn’t have a lot of relationship experience before. I was a bit of a “late bloomer” in terms of dating and relationships. Now that I’m with a wonderful guy, I shake my head at the shoddy treatment I received before. To everyone out there, never settle for anything less than someone who makes you feel safe, secure and cherished.

      I also think that some narcissists (at least the one I was with) are very effective at what’s called “dosing”, or intermingling in enough bursts of the idealization phase in with the triangulation to keep you going. It’s to give you false hope that maybe you’re not really being treated as badly as you feel. Then, as Zari often says, you get that temporary euphoria that keeps you hooked. For instance, I actually thought about leaving my narcissist even earlier than I did. However, then I swear he had some weird radar where he sensed that–and then came swooping in with the sweet words again (I begrudgingly admit he was evil but not stupid either. He knew what buttons to push and what to say that would keep me hooked). So to everyone out there, be wary of extreme ups and downs like that!

      Of course, even every normal relationship with go through ups and downs. However, those ups and downs aren’t so extreme as they are in the narcissistic one. The difference is also in the intention of the parties involved. A “normal” person, only being human, may also do something that you don’t like, but it isn’t done with malice or intent like the narcissist. The (few) times that my boyfriend has done anything that bugged me, he apologized, and went out of his way not to repeat it again (whereas a narcissist will pin it all on you and blame you, since they have no empathy for your feelings).

      So that’s my own take, will be interested in what others think. Zari, so glad people like you are out there shedding light on this. Seriously, if it were up to me, I would implement a course on healthy vs. toxic relationships in every high school across the country, because I wish I had known this stuff before (come on, how many of us really need to know things like calculus or Shakespearean sonnets on a daily basis? But we do need to know things like this, in differentiating between good and bad relationships)

  • Clare Kent

    August 23, 2015 at 10:57 pm Reply

    My ex N, used to do this to me all the time. I never realised what it even was until I read your books Zari. His favourite was the girls at work where he would have intimate conversations when I was out of earshot. He would revel in filling me in with minimum details but enough to fuck me off. The most prominent time was just after I was sexually attacked and incredibly upset, he would constantly carry on about this “poor” girl’s problem such as having to get childcare and how he would spend hours on the phone to her trying to soother her. It wasn’t long before he did his final discard.
    We haven’t spoken in over a year, and I am very happy with that! Lately he has cropped up as friend suggestions on social media, and has been looking at my profiles elsewhere. His feeds are full of other women/girls and happy pictures (notably old ones where he looks younger!). I just blocked where I could and deleted where I couldn’t. I can see straight through his ‘look at how popular I am’ and be jealous bullshit now.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 8:58 pm Reply

      Hi Clare,

      Yes, next to the silent treatments, triangulation was almost the death of me. He triangulated me so much that eventually I triangulated myself with every little thing. THEN, the insecurity and the feeling that maybe it was me, maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing (or was I?), the jealousy (and before the narcissist, I was hardly ever a jealous person), the obsession with what he did at work all day, trying to find out who worked there…it made me a crazy person. Couple ALL that with the fact that he had a zillion jobs over thirteen years and because it happened every single time with every new job, I was always RELIEVED when he’d inevitably get fired or quit and had NO job (which then turned into a whole other problem!). It was a vicious cycle. Fuck those bastards!

      Stay strong and always remember that you deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

  • Deanna Sadler

    August 23, 2015 at 10:17 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    I’m back I first posted out here to you back in October 2014 and since then I have been continuing following you while healing my mind, heart,body and soul. Thank you for everything as I told you previously, I was with my N 17 years and going through terrible pain back then. I have been reading all your articles since October 2014.

    Zari he is finally gone completely out of my life. I revealed to him that he was a N back then in December 2014. I moved less than 100 miles away I knew I was leaving and needed to leave. No contact at all blocked him completely but it has been hard but I can truly say your articles motivated me so much and I got serious and face this horrible reality.

    The article I just read is so true I had lived it so lone but did not know all those years what the hell I was in until 2014. Yes days are rough but like you said what am I missing not a damn thing each time I think about that asshole I know I ain’t missing nothing but the abuse and the cheating lies you name it best believe I don’t give a rats ass anymore about who he is with I don’t care at all. Wow that feels so good to say and know that I’m good where I am. I am by myself and in no relationship at all after 17 years of abuse with the Narcissist.

    Thank you and I am definitely a lifer I will continue to be a part of your audience because had it not been for you having this website I never would have made it this far and it will continue to be my motivation because I need to stay in tune to everyone who has experienced these demons. Eight months CLEAN After 17 years of hell! Thank you I just wanted to let you know I will forever be following you thank you for all your motivation it has and will continue to help me and others.

    Deanna

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2015 at 9:09 am Reply

      Hi Deanna!

      I remember you, girl! You had a narc with the Christmas birthday who thought he should be treated accordingly! OMG… look how far you’ve come…I knew you would!! I just knew in my heart that you were going to make it:) We never think we can get there and suddenly HERE WE ARE. As long as I can help in even the smallest way, I will be here for you no matter what. All I want is for you to be happy.

      You are yet another inspiration to me and proof that all is possible. From here on in, let your heart not be troubled. He is nothing and you deserve all the happiness in the world. LET FREEDOM RING!

      And I love that you sent an update…it means the world to me when I hear back…when I know what happened. You did great and you will continue to do so. Stay strong and stay educated and I will always be here…Recovery, as we all know, is a team effort:)

      Zari xxoo

      • Deanna

        September 7, 2015 at 7:37 am Reply

        OMG yes you remember me . Thank you so much Zari without you and your blog I never would have made it. Yeah it was hard after 17 years and it gets better and better with time. I will continue to be out here on your website bc this is my motivation for others also struggling with the pain of dealing with a N. I stay prayed up and continue to stay motivated oh yeah he runs across my mind and I know that’s to be expected but I would not turn back the hands of time at all. I love my freedom from all that stress and bullshit I no longer have in my life. Thank you many times over and over again Zari.

        Deanna

        • Zari Ballard

          September 15, 2015 at 6:11 pm Reply

          Deanna wrote…I stay prayed up and continue to stay motivated oh yeah he runs across my mind and I know that’s to be expected but I would not turn back the hands of time at all. I love my freedom from all that stress and bullshit I no longer have in my life. You go, girl!!

          You are an inspiration to all and the very reason why I will never leave the cause! Thank YOU for coming back to confirm once again that all is possible:)

          Zari xo

  • Wendy

    August 23, 2015 at 6:38 pm Reply

    I enjoy your blog and read often when I’m feeling like I miss him. Anything to not break no contact.

    I had a chuckle while reading this because I had an A-ha moment about triangulation just last week with my therapist. I met him on a dating site and he used the dating site to triangulate. This last time we got back together, about 2 weeks in, he says ” I hardly ever go online now because I know who I want and it’s you”. Lucky me, right?
    I got that feeling that you always mention because it was such a random comment. So I looked online about an hour later and there he was. And he hadn’t been on since we got back together. From that evening on he was practically camped out online every night.
    Of course I finally lost it, confronted him and am now in the middle of what is most likely a lengthy silent treatment. Because they are LONG when I call him out on his bs and he can’t lie. His last words were “this conversation isn’t working for me” then poof!
    He thinks it’s a silent treatment. I’m calling it no contact.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 9:39 pm Reply

      Wendy wrote...He thinks it’s a silent treatment. I’m calling it no contact. Right on!

      Hi Wendy,

      Sorry for the delay in responding and I love that you’re getting your power back. I’m so grateful that my blog brings you comfort and, if you can, be sure to read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will empower you, I guarantee it.

      Any silent treatment can be turned into YOUR no contact and he doesn’t even have to know. Recovery is all in our minds and the narcissist, as far as I’m concerned, is not worthy of an explanation. Stay true to yourself and my book will explain how I got to that point – finally! My story is your story…to a tee!

      Stay strong and write anytime. I’ve caught up with my posts and I’ll be quicker on the reply, I promise:)

      Zari xo

      • Wendy

        September 4, 2015 at 11:52 pm Reply

        No worries Zari! I haven’t gotten to a place of blocking him completely. I never contact him. Never. But I will eventually. My parents both used the silent treatment on me regularly. It is such a trigger for those of us who have a weakened sense of self. Not self worth…self. Most of us have no idea who we are. What we like. What feelings we are feeling. The pieces that I read about codependency all say lack of self esteem or worthiness is the issue. Not for everyone. I feel like an empty shell most of the time. Numb. So even the Narc drama is better than that. That’s where the trauma bonding kicks in. I am a very self confident woman and really feel good about myself mostly. But I don’t know who I am.

        • Wendy

          September 4, 2015 at 11:59 pm Reply

          But I will eventually BLOCK him completely… my sentence was incomplete. Xoxo

          • Christine

            September 9, 2015 at 2:12 pm

            Wendy, this is why the silent treatment is so cruel, because it taps into our deepest vulnerabilities and fears of abandonment, etc. However, blocking him will be one of the best things you will ever do for yourself. I know that feeling of being numb and not knowing who you are anymore, because I went through the same thing when I was first recovering too. Blocking the narcissist was my first step to getting myself back. I could see things much clearer once I took myself away from his toxic influence. Not to mention, not even giving him the possibility of ever contacting me again and possibly getting sucked back into the drama (and not even giving myself the remotest possibility of breaking no contact myself, when I no longer had his number accessible on my phone). I’m glad I gave myself no other choice but to move on from him. Unfortunately I have no shortcut for you, but I can honestly say that as time goes on, and as you fill your life with new experiences that don’t involve him, you will get yourself and your good feelings back again. I’m pulling for you!

        • Zari Ballard

          September 5, 2015 at 12:02 pm Reply

          Hi Wendy,

          I know…one day at a time is all we can do. Understand that his power was an illusion and the “real you” is under there just waiting to resurface. Narcissists manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and they get away with more. We will gladly accept mere crumbs of attention. I am sorry for the fact that you suffered silent treatments at the hands of your parents as well – how awful. I have no doubt that the narcissist knew of this parental pain and used it as part of his strategy to hurt you even deeper than they could. Bastard.

          YOU are not and never have been the problem. EVER. These are unfortunate circumstances that we have to work through but it is not impossible. Do what you can and work towards blocking him altogether. He doesn’t deserve another second of your attention. He is not sincere and he will only come back to hurt you quicker the next time. It will never ever change and you deserve so much more. Life is so short and getting shorter. He’s completely unworthy.

          Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

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