How Narcissist’s Triangulate: Death Of a Heart By a 1000 Cuts

Hi Zari, I am a 66 year old woman divorced and I have been living with my daughter and her family for 10 years . My daughter is 47 and has 4 boys 23, 18 , 10 and 11 . The first two are from her first marriage and the two youngest are from this current marriage . I have been with them primarily to help with the kids as child care is so expensive and of course i help do most of the work in the house . It’s ok as I live here free . Now when my daughter first met Craig , the first Christmas he rang 50 times . I thought to myself then all that time ago , that’s not normal I thought . Over the years he has gotten worse with this constant ringing . If he goes away fishing hes ringing half the the with “ I’m in bed , then I’m going to sleep “ I think very childish for a grown man . Over the years he has been really abusive with the two oldest boys as they aren’t his , and I didn’t know when I was away at the weekend got physical with the older boy . I noticed after one weekend that things were off and I said I think you should go home to your dad for a while . Craig was so annoyed that he wasnt consulted about him leaving . They had a business for about 6 years and I gradually watched my daughter change from a happy girl to a shadow of herself . I never get involved with their arguments but I try and advise my daughter as I am heart sick at what I can see he is doing to her, but it isn’t my decision . About 2 years ago he was texting a woman all the time but it wasn’t another woman , it was my daughter pretending . She had noticed he was very chatty on FB liking their comments . So he was sprung . He said he was sorry and my daughter forgave him but it didn’t take long before he was belittling her at work in front of the other staff .
He’s a drinker and a bad one , every weekend he sits out the back and plays loud music and drinks himself into a stupor , if he sticks to beer he’s not too bad but when he starts on Scotch his eyes go black . He has ruined every family gathering we have had and my two other daughters will not have anything to do with him any more . Makes me said because it’s affected the girls being sisters . He more or less ignored the two little boys , worst father I’ve ever seen . Does not do a thing with them or play with them or hardly talks to them .
So you can see how this affects a household , up and down all the time . About 3 weeks ago I noticed he was acting weirder than usual . My daughter said he thinks he’s having a mid life crisis . Thing is he wants every day to be exciting and wonderful and normal life isn’t like that , he said he wants them to be like they were when they first met . My daughter said we are older , have demanding jobs and the kids , things can’t be like they were then . We have matured and we are at a different stage if our life . Doesn’t mean I don’t love you . So he was getting these snapchats all the time and one night she got into his phone and he’s up to his old games again . Told this woman he hated his f. ING life and he had all this baggage at home . It came to a head and now he’s turned into this 2 year old and is ringing up crying all the time , going to her work and crying . Rang her friends and told them and was surprised because they all told him off .
So they have been to a marriage guidance councillor twice, he is smothering her . He’s two steps behind her all the time constantly rubbing her arm and back . The councillor told him to stop it but he’s got worse . Now my daughter is what I call an empath very kind and has a soft nature . He is playing on this big time . She had always made the lunches but this week she is on holidays , he woke her up to make his lunch . She said no get it yourself , he good packet of chips and a banana . As I’ve said I’ve never tried to tell her what to do but I’m so worried she is going to stay with him and he will be ok for a little while then it starts all over again . I want her to shift houses so she can feel what it’s like not to be walking on eggshells every night not knowing how his mood will be . I want her to be happy and feel normal again . What can I do ?

Thanks Wendy

Zari,
I read your entire book in one sitting. I had been in a relationship/marriage with a NPD/BPD for 17 years. We were married for 12 looooong years. You spoke “it” girl and I identified with it. My narc was not a cheater. He was too lazy, that is not to say he didn’t flirt, triangulate his heart out though. You described my life with my narc to a tee, except for the discards. My entire life was pretty much a “discard” though. He worked 12 to 18 hours a day, in pursuit of the almighty dollar. I have to say that this did pay off in the long run for both of us. I am now 63 years old, feeling more positive than I have in years. I did finally figure out most of his agenda through lots of hurt feelings, tears, etc. I was so miserable and down that my thoughts were always of gloom and doom. I do remember for a long period of time going about my day and thinking to myself, that my life was pretty much over, that I would be better off dead. Terrible thoughts.

I am a religious person, I knew that those thoughts were not what I should be thinking or feeling. I began to turn my attention to God, prayer, and belief that I was a good person and that God was not pleased with the marriage I was in. I was not or ever treated as a wife should be even though I treated him like a king for the first few years until he showed his true colors.
He did try to make me jealous with “friends” but the main triangulation was with his daughter. He treated her like a queen, anything she wanted, 10’s of thousands of dollars behind my back. I found out about it every time. I waited until the time was right and got him where it hurts, his pocketbook. The last and final time, he had set up yet another secret bank account and hid away a nice little pot of money for her to access. She is an almost 30 year old married with child woman. Yet he still gave her money, paid for her cell phone, sent her to Hawaii etc. He left deposit slips in his truck and when I drove it, I found them. I still believe that she probably left them there hoping I would. Neither of them thought I had the cajones to do anything about it, WRONG!!!.

I went to the attorney and filed for divorce in July of this year. He cried, he was just a sad sausage all round for a little while. He then got angry, found himself some flying monkeys. He was classic. I did not waiver once. I did not feel sorry for him, He even said to me, “i’m crying over here and you are stone-faced” I calmly looked at him and replied, “I did my crying, and I’m all cried out.”
As of October 2017, we were divorced. I am happier than ever, and that God that I prayed to and believed in, well He came through for me.
I now own our marital home outright, I have 1/2 of his retirement money, kept most of the furniture, my puppy dog (#86 labrador) and a nice vehicle. I think I will survive. I dont miss him, I still feel sorry for him. He is a shell of a person and I am so grateful to have seen it and to be rid of it all. I look forward to spending time with my 3 grown children, 6 granddaughters, my mom, my brother. I will have a Happy Birthday this year. I’m looking forward to the rest of my life, however long that is.

Thanks for what you are doing.

Candye in Tennessee

This post was very helpful. Amazing how a narcissist can hide behind so many people and use them to triangulate including those close to you, friends and people you don’t even know. etc to being harassed, ridiculed, picked on. They can turn something that was nothing into something that wasn’t even an issue and make it one. They will use any bit of information about you or what you have said and turn it into something that was none of their business in the beginning.
Not many people understand the dynamics of how these people work. Even those I know in the counselling profession are so blinded by these people with god complexes. They go to the point of reaching these people you know. They will take everything you’ve said and use this information how they want to. It may not even be an issue but they will make it one. Narcissists like to be the messenger in between people to be in control of everything. They are so clever and adept at creating situations to make you feel the feelings mentioned in this post and to make you appear irrational and the one with the problem. If anyone has spent any considerable time with one you know there is something not right with them. It’s even interesting when they bring your children into it and tell them they need to help their mother when you’ve been divorced for considerable years. They will set up situations to make you feel certain feelings. This is exactly right, you find yourself whining when in any other normal case you wouldn’t whine then they turn this on you and before you know it everyone has the same opinion. They are very clever at making it appear like a concern. Counselling there is a therapy called exposure therapy but if not done correctly can cause more trauma which has been my case. They use something they know nothing about and like to make themselves appear professionals in this field and take it upon themselves to FIX you. Not to help but humiliate and it has been used to the extreme causing me public humiliation to apparently stop me from doing things they think they feel I’m doing is not the right thing to do and made me feel so much worse about myself. I’ve been harassed online and had accounts broken into something I find so personally wrong. Narcissists do things because they believe they know what is right for you when indeed they don’t. I carry feelings of hating myself and the humiliation I have endured has caused worse anxiety than I have ever had before. They don’t stop they continue until you can’t sleep, the anxiety is constant and the negative thoughts that go around in your head everyday because they lack empathy. The triangulation’s and everyone having had their 2 cents worth and having an opinion about you when they don’t understand the dynamics of these people or yourself for that matter. They have been the whingers all along and project everything onto you and manage to be free and maintain a good public image with everyone. When you were never like this before. I found they go to great lengths to provoke situations deliberately to make you feel jealous when you would generally never act like this before. They also like to depict you as a hypocrite and set situations up to make you appear one through triangulation. They don’t stop. They use triangulation to get across everything they want to get across. They will do everything to pick you to pieces using others and eventually you feel worse about yourself than you ever did before. Everyone sees you as a whinging whining person. A simple opinion they will say was complaining and blow it out of proportion. You find you’re not allowed opinions about anything. They will take an opinion as whinging and use that as well. You find yourself not knowing what it is that you’re allowed to do or say and end up afraid to talk to anyone in fear of being shut down completely or ridiculed for having an opinion although they’re allowed to.. Everyone has an opinion about you without really understanding how these people work. They are allowed to earn an income and live freely but they will do stop you from having any financial freedom. This is soul destroying. Being around these types of people does change who you are without a doubt and they are draining to be around. You end up feeling worse about yourself than you have ever and wonder why your brain feels like mush and you can’t make a decision to save yourself or know what it is you want for yourself as they like to control you through triangulation. When you’ve had it done for over 14 years you feel like just an empty shell and people judge and make comments about you and others wonder why you feel no happiness at all.

so completely dead on! all of this. i can’t even explain! i’m years removed from him, but have been going through another layer of healing lately and needed a little help clearing the energy of this aspect of it…the residue of triangulation is thick and it’s taken me years of shedding the layers of it…thank you sooooo much for so darn perfectly capturing it ???? good gracious i hadn’t thought about the details of it like this for so long, was just feeling the energy of it lately, but sweet mother of all things evil it was such soul suffocating misery ????… ug. this crap is legitimately evil, and having these monsters in your life is miserable, and so so damn exhausting y’all. get out, and go on a hellbent journey to find yourself, and be patient and determined and fight to become someone you love. i am still healing and growing and learning to truly love myself, but after reading this tonight and thinking back to who i was then, it’s unreal just how far i’ve come. and reading this is a reminder for me to keep going ????thank you

Can you direct me to writings on triangulation that you may have? And do you have any advice on trying to help his new victim? I’m sure there are more but there is one in particular I would like to help spare as she seems to be another empath who has a lot to give and of course he has intentions of sucking her dry. I’m only considering giving her your website if I can do it without stirring up more fuel and reason for more contact from the abuser. I will not respond to his abuse or contact at this point. I say at this point because I have finally come to actually want no contact! Reading your articles and a few other sources has helped me immensely and is giving me the strength to face the facts and quit trying to make something worthwhile of the last 10 years of my life which were exclusively devoted to him in relationship. He cleaned me out of about $100,000 and companionship basically gaslighting for his enjoyment I think. There are still days and moments that I find it hard to believe that he’s irredeemable but when I see how clearly he acts as a sociopath and that I can’t deny it any longer, I gain strength and resolve (one day at a time) to STOP playing his game. Thank God I was prepared 3 reading your information about triangulation (as in only a few hours before) when he attempted a meeting with me and his new woman. Can you even believe that? I was so glad I knew what he was doing and refused to play that game. I felt so THANKFUL that I knew what he doing! I knew that I was finally able to move on. when I refused to act on his manipulation, refused to even challenge any of his lies or any other actions or words whatsoever. It’s a great freedom to know that you’re no longer being hooked emotionally, even by curiosity at what he will try next ! He said he was trying to be honest and that’s why he wanted this meeting. Part of me wants to believe that he would like to be honest however at this point it is not my concern . It even makes me laugh now thinking of him trying that line! Of course I would love to believe he could turn around and I’m a Christian and believe anyone can change if they really see the need and want to. However the problem with narcissists is that they don’t see the need and don’t have a sincere desire to change.. they are content with the joy that comes from sadistic control and manipulation, probably due to attachment issues as infants and toddlers. Because of this dismissive or chaotic attachment problem and history they don’t know anything better than temporary relief and possible joy or sadistic satisfaction that comes from their manipulation which stems back to how they had manipulate to meet their own basic needs. This Is your Avenue for forgiveness for them. They developed a psychological pattern even before they can store memories. It is repeated where one is always trying to recreate the situation of bonding and this time winning at what should have happened and in the case of bonding with parents. There are people that have overcome this Primal wound but I have only found this recovery (as of only last weekend at a Joy starts Here or Thriving Seminar) in people who have sought after a connection with God who is in the words of some “the Lover of My Soul” . . And frankly it’s up to him or any narcissist to seek this recovery . I offered a phone number of a recovering narcissist who was willing to talk with him as he desired! I turned him on to Resources with one text just like I would like to do for his latest victim if I can without involvement. Reasons a narcissist would never recover is because they don’t feel the need to make the first step to admit life has become unmanageable and that only a higher power than themselves can restore them to sanity. Being unable to remember or relate to a time when they had security and attachment and resulting inner fulfillment and joy they have only known manipulative satisfactions which they are probably better at now than they’ve ever been. I don’t know why I’m going on and on , validation might be my motive LOL . I am still in the process of practicing the habit of taking a step back before I make any attempt of trying to help anyone in his sphere of influence so that I won’t subject myself any more to his manipulation and games. I no longer value protecting anyone else’s damage more than my own recovery. This is simply because if they want to recover they can. But if I could help her not waste a decade like I did, it would feel like that could be a good purpose to come out of this absurd decade I have been in. But honestly, I’m actually growing to be thankful for this drama trauma because it has taught me so much and it’s validating that I actually did know what was going on on some levels and it’s teaching me the great lesson to trust my intuition and listen to that quiet inner voice that knows the truth! It’s teaching me to slow down and pay more attention because we are all given a gift of perception and it is our job to listen to it and our life will be much much more productive and satisfying!

Hi Serentiy Darwin,
I feel & understand your pain…but, honestly, I’ve come to realize, it doesn’t really matter if its a narc we’re dealing with, when, the break up happens, it is what it is…the narc, just makes it worse…they are empty, vicious souls, so, the break up is easy for them…some, have very horrid stories. For me, I’m thankful, it really was just a bad breakup, what made it worse, it was a narcissist…but, sometimes, I wonder if I’m not a little narcissistic…I craved that narcissistic supply myself, only difference was, I had empathy, & feelings, that, they don’t have …I understand your empty, lonely feeling, it’s what we all feel…but, really, sometimes we have to just stop, & look & say, really doesn’t matter, they don’t want us…my narcissist still hoovers & comes around…well ok, I prolly hoover too…Zari, would kick me in the ass for that..I talk to Zari, quite frequently, & encourage you to do the the same…She is my lifeline…my life is getting better..No Contact. Oh well…It really didn’t work for me all that well…I was miserable with or without her…so what little contact we have works..I just keep my guard up & know this is a not my long term relationship, it will never happen….for me, I just have to let bygones, be bygones..I can never hate, as my mother, always taught me, we have to be better than that…So, Good Luck friend, I understand, & every day is a challenge for us.

Love you,
Steph

Thank you for giving me the language to name what was happening to me. My narc used triangulation even before we started dating. While we were together I experienced the cell phone game constantly. Facebook was used to drop bombshells. Even the dog wasn’t exempt. Now I can see it all so clearly. But what’s still so unbelievable is that someone who professed her love for me on a daily basis could hurt me so systematically and deliberately. It’s mind bending, I’m not sure I’ll ever get it.