Narcissist Abuse & The Truth About Forgiveness

I don’t usually respond to posts, but I couldn’t stop reading your blog. Everything you say is true. I just went NO CONTACT two days ago. I couldn’t take one more moment of his silent treatment. Something you said about the silent treatments made everything so clear. You said, silent treatments are break ups in disguise. How true that is. I never saw it this way before. I would often tell my NARC that he had left me a long time ago, only to hear that it was all in my head. His actions never matched his words. He’d say one thing and I’d see something contradictory. There isn’t one thing you wrote that didn’t happen. Although my NARC was a cerebral narcissist, where he was primarily concerned with head games rather than sex, he flirted with an online target. I would call him out on it and he would tell me it’s all in my head, that I was being dramatic. I told him that the very next time I experienced this disrespectful behavior, I’d be done with him. Well, that’s exactly what happened. I deleted all my social media, blocked him from my phone and any chat app. It’s the first time I took drastic measures, but now I see that I was building up to this. I don’t miss him. You’re right about realizing that you don’t miss your NARC. You’re so spot on about all this. Thank you for everything you shared for us women and men who go through this horrible ordeal.

Zari,

I found your website only yesterday, and just by chance, while searching the web for PTSD and break-up related help. Nothing I’ve found yet (and I’ve been at it for 8 months now…) has shed so much light on my experience as your writing on narcissists. I read your articles one after another, with a knot in my stomach and my heart in my throat, and a very sinking feeling that everything you’ve written is true for me as well. It had only ever occurred to me in passing that I was dealing with such a person– especially since this was someone I loved with all my heart, and to whom I was devoted like none other. The last 10 years of my life were spent living at the mercy of a truly heartless and soulless person. After the “honeymoon” years with her, the gloves came off and I was masterfully kept in a perpetual state of isolation, anxiety, loneliness, and fear of her next disappearance, sickening sex escapade,” or emasculating insult. She was fond of calling me her “sin eater” (i.e., the one who suffers all the consequences and fallout from her antics), and was fond of reminding me that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Wow. It’s been 8 months since I last saw or spoke to this person, but only two months since she last tricked me into contacting her. I pray to god that I never hear from or see her ever again, as every time I do, I am back at square one, like it all happened yesterday. This person destroyed my life and my sanity in all of the ways you’ve enumerated in your articles, down to the letter. And you are right, it is impossible for anyone to understand what it’s like to deal with, and suffer, on account of what a narcissist will do to you; there truly are no limits, and you can never make them make sense. Your site has been a godsend since I truly have no one to talk to about what happened to me, and certainly no one who can explain why I’m in the state I’m in, that I’m not out of my mind. My grief over the loss of my “best friend” and “soul mate” has been overwhelming and devastating, and I’ve been living at the very edge of the edge on account of the misery and the mental war inside me. It is astonishing to me- astonishing– that the answer to the question, “how could someone who loves me do—THIS,” is that they truly don’t give a fuck about what happens to you. They really do enjoy knowing that you suffer and grieve over what they’ve done to you, especially when you pour your heart out to their mocking wall of silence. They’re having a great day– and they know that even if you’re not weeping your eyes out over them, you are sure as hell thinking about them, and you’ll never have them figured out. It’s nauseating. I don’t know what all I mean to say Zari, except that the scales have started to fall from my eyes because you cared enough to tell your story and articulate the truth about this breed of human monster. What remains is trying to put my life back together, figure out how to let go, move on, and all that. But I’m still playing her victim/fool since I can hardly function normally, and feel sapped and possessed by the past, the recent past, and the empty present. I feel like I lost myself to her, and I guess I did. She always won. Pretty much all I think about is her. If I’m distracted from mentally reliving my nightmare for 15 minutes (or weeping my eyes out over the “good times”), I count it pure bliss. I fall asleep thinking of her and wake up thinking of her every day. The worst is when she’s in my dreams. It feels like there’s no escape from this woman, no safe place in my head, nowhere to set my thoughts where she’s not lurking. What little I know of her present activities (and believe me, I want to know nothing at all and never ever go looking) just confirms that she hasn’t missed a beat, and is doing fabulously, and that the few remarks she made to the contrary were just another lie. She had others lined up well before she ever dumped me. They worst thing, and it hurts like hell, is trying to understand that she never loved me, that she never cared about me at all. I can see it, but god, I almost don’t want to. I feel so stupid and childish for having been this person’s doormat for so many wasted years. I really do regret that I ever met her– nothing– not the wonderful times, our passionate love, all the best times I’ve ever had with anyone– is worth this. I’d give it all back if I could. I do hope there is a way to live beyond this. Your site is amazing. It hurts like fuck to read a lot of it, but it’s the first “good pain” I’ve felt in ages. Maybe it’s not me who’s crazy after all. I hope not. Sorry for how long this is. Thank you Zari.

Zari, I have a question I was hoping you’d shed light on, because this honestly stumps me …

Why the hell does a narcissist get married?

I’m thinking specifically of a narcissist I had the misfortune to know. This guy cheated on every woman he’s ever been with, couldn’t commit to anyone, even told his girlfriends that he had backup women waiting on standby.

So why the hell would he WANT to get married? And how is still married five years later? I’m sure he’s cheating on her, but I’m stunned they married in the first place. What’s the point?

Thank you Zari for speaking out on this particular topic. I personally don’t think forgiveness is necessary, nor obligatory, to recover from a narcissist. I still haven’t forgiven the narcissist (after nearly two years) and have still recovered just fine! As PV astutely pointed out, forgiveness can lead to cognitive dissonance. Forgiveness inflicts twice as much hurt on the victim…first in the victim suffering from the narcissist’s abuse to begin with, then in the victim trying to somehow invalidate their own emotional reactions and justify the narcissist’s acts, in order to “forgive”.

I think it puts an unfair and unequal burden on the victim. Why is the burden only imposed on the victim to be the “bigger” person? Why shouldn’t it be placed on the narcissist to become a better person, and not inflict this sort of hurt on people to begin with?

It’s the intention that makes someone worthy of forgiveness, or not. I have forgiven my fiancee a few times–because the few times he’s disappointed me, I know it wasn’t intentional at all (more clueless than malicious). I also know, deep down, that he’s a genuinely good guy who wouldn’t intentionally hurt my feelings. However I feel no obligation to forgive the narcissist who deliberately manipulated and hurt me, with no remorse whatsoever.

For me, now it’s self-forgiveness. As I get stronger and see what was happening more clearly, I get so mad at MYSELF for being bamboozled by such a ZERO. He is a ZERO – nothing to offer the world – and he got really lucky with me – but I sometimes have a hard time forgiving ME. Him- whatever – I barely have any emotions- but when I do think of him it’s disgust and irritation and a little agitation at myself for not trusting my intuition. NO more losers – and when I feel like I am being used – I probably am, but I am not even letting that become even close to a reality. I think of him from time to time but only in how proud of myself I am for finally disconnecting and taking my power back.
But forgiving him – no — make him dead — oh wait – he already is! An empty vampire.
No point – Zari is right — when you reunite with someone and ”let bygones be bygones” it’s because both parties are reflective and self-aware and able to recognize that mistakes were made and egos were maybe injured, feelings hurt. With a Narc – there is none of that because it’s all about what they need in the moment.. they don’t have those ‘reflective’ moments that allow one to see the whole picture.
Waste of time to forgive them- forgive yourself for not trusting your gut.

I so agree…we’ve been forgiving this assholes throughout the whole relationship…not once, have they ever asked for forgiveness for all their wrongs…forgive them for the last time within our souls, not to their face & move on…you go sista…u keep us all strong

I have never bought into the must forgive to heal thing, because it’s simply not true. You can heal perfectly fine, mature emotionally and grow to your hearts content, all without forgiving someone’s shitty/toxic behaviour. If anything, I think forgiveness holds us back, because of the cognitive dissonance etc. It can force us to dismiss valid emotions in response to toxic behaviour – things that are better out than in. Not forgiving someone does not necessarily mean holding a grudge, either. In fact, I think it was easier to let go of anger and ill will towards someone by *not* forgiving them. Forgiveness is often used as a manipulation tactic, using elements of guilt and shame to appeal to someone’s emotions – particularly women’s. Forget it.