Narcissistic Lovers & That Uncomfortable Feeling

I have to say I have read all of this and now the last 10 years and his behavior make so much sense now and how I felt. Part of me is so pissed off that I have not seen it till now. Now I have to get out because I deserve better but I’m still in the same house and I feel so insane at times and angry at being manipulated which he is still doing while I’m there. I keep telling myself it’s him, I don’t care, dear god, help me find peace to just ignore him and focus on you. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed at really having the control somewhat on my money and looking for the right path to get out of there .

Never knew I was a slow learner . . . 63 years to understand narcissism. My mother had a degree in it, and yes I was the scapegoat, brother the golden headed son. He stood guard at my bedroom door while his mate raped me and when school teacher who I confided in spoke to my mother assuring me all would be well, I was told in no uncertain terms to keep my mouth shut. I did so for 50 odd years.
And that missing something in my marriage, loss of self esteem and confidence I found once I left home, left me again in my marriage.

Been down the road of how could this have happened to me a reasonably intelligent person blah blah blah now learning what it’s all been about. “You’re so sensitive, I was only joking, you’re imagining it,” thinking I was going nutty, then a nurse overheard him when he thought no one was within earshot. She asked me “Are you an abused wife?”

Even then I stood up for him, “This is neither the time nor place to discuss this,” as I chundered then vomited. But it got me ‘googling’

And after sustaining a brain injury due to a fall, being at a loss to fully understand my world, staff at the hospital came to my side, some of them saying “I didn’t need to put up with what they observed when he thought he wasn’t being observed.”

Strange after 40 plus years of abuse, no longer able to work, and with very little money I separated.
Now it is about me, learning to take my life back, to be the person I once was for a short period of time. I am walking lighter, have a bit more energy and hope (helping other possibilities emerge) that I have enough time left in this life to be ME.

I’m 21 (was 19) at the time I started this toxic relationship with this fellow and it’s incredible how completely soul crushing it is to be involved in a co-dependant, misery trap with individuals like this. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was only intertwined in the mind games for 9 months (in comparison to many of you all enduring years) but I wanted to share some of my experience for healing purposes.
These creatures are subhuman. Preying on the warmth and lightness in your character. Entirely devastating with their mind games and triangulation tactics.
“See! I told you she was crazy, look how she gets mad and says I can’t hangout with *Sabrina anymore” … After he obnoxiously flashes cheeky and knowing glances at his “friend” that he invites over, ’cause well he insists they’ve known eachother forever and they’re completely, in every way, shape and form just friends.
So… if you’re just friends why do you ridicule her character to me in private and tell me how permiscious she is? Why do you tell me she tried to kiss you a few years ago, but you turned her down? Why is she turning her head to the side and giggling while holding eye contact for an agonizing amount of time, while i’m standing right beside you?
I can feel by the rushed silence and shushes when i enter the room that you’ve already briefed your close confidantes about my supposed “jealousy issues.”
At this point I start to question everything. Reality starts to slip. I start to think “What if this is all in my head?” “What if i’m the problem?” Appetite diminished, the headache of anxious insomnia follows suit. What’s real? Is echoing throughout my mind as his control over my sanity grips ever so slightly tighter.

This is an excerpt from my journal, detailing my experiences with psychological and emotional abuse. I send my condolences to anyone, male or female who have suffered the inner turmoil delt to you by the hands of these type of people who gain nourishment for their egos on your suffering. Please note that if you had similar thoughts such as I did (as listed above) you are not alone. You are not “crazy.” You are not an overly jealous maniac. It’s all a game and you have to put your cards down and leave the table.
Lol sorry for the poker reference but, c’mon i’m trying not to leave on such a meloncholy note ?
Much love to you and your family’s
-S
*name changed

Here’s one! He says “I don’t make you feel bad. People are responsible for their own feelings”. Well, I say people can make you feel good, (via a compliment, etc) so people can also make you feel bad. Which brings to mind, cheapskate thst he is, I don’t believe he ever paid a compliment, which is FREE ffs! What a dick.

Hi Judy,

Thank you for leaving words of encouragement for others and I’m so sorry that you’ve been inundated with narcs all your life! I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many of these monsters walking the planet that we’re never going to know them off the bat. All we can hope for is to get away quicker each time as we recognize the signs. And as you say, we can’t control their behaviors but we CAN control our reactions. We have to know this. Our suffering changes nothing. Not a thing. The less time that we allow ourselves to suffer, the quicker we’ll move along.

I’m glad you come here, Judy! Stay strong and know that we’re here to support you:)

Zari xo

Exactly, from the very beginning, even when everything was ‘good’, long before he started to show his true colors or even before I would ever think there might be any true colors, I had that – ‘a nagging suspicion of something sinister that we can’t quite put our finger on’. After the first time we got intimate, he didn’t call me for a month. Well, he didn’t have to. It was just a fling. But, as it hapenned when we were both abroad, I did expect at least a text asking if I came back home safely or something like that. Then, after the first time we actually slept with each other. he left my bed, said only: ‘do you think we should continue?’ and didn’t contact me for a week, until I did contacted him, as I just couldn’t stand it any longer. Not to mention that the sex was also… odd. Great – technically speaking (yes, his experience). But it was definitely the coldest, the most impersonal act I have ever experienced. I felt like a porn star or like a masturbation tool. It was very odd, as we’ve known each other for years. It wasn’t just some stranger who could f*ck me and then walk away with no explanation. It was my best friend, my supervisor, who I have treated like a father-master figure for years. I was explaining it all by either our difficult situation (it was an affair) or by his insecurities. But the fact is, I spend hours on the internet searching for answers, trying to make sense out of his behaviors. I was devastated. I was taking sedatives! – from the very begining, before he got to do anything wrong to me. Just like his behaviors, I was explaining my reactions either by our difficult situation or by MY insecurities. Instead, these were obvious red flags. I should have listened to my gut screaming.

I am soooo happy I’ve come across this website!! The wealth of information is undoubtedly helpful! Thank you!! I have been so hurt by this evil son of a bitch! On October 25, I finally decided enough is enough after 2 years of being off and on. I hated the way he made me feel. I can no longer take the lies and the games. I’ve said I’m done before, but this time is for real and by the strength of GOD I PROMISE MYSELF TO NEVER GO BACK!!!! i always thought I was overreacting at times and he would swear it as all me and I was crazy but it’s really him!! You just don’t understand how I feel. I feel so angry and hurt and confused. I never want to see him again. I wish I could hurt him like he’s hurt me, I really do. I was so good to him (like we all were in relationships with the N). Ugh.

I’m just relieved to have all this information and to finally take the honest step in moving forward. Tired of lying to myself and being lied to. Thanks again for this website