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Be (Narcissist) Free from Unhealthy Relationships

unhealthyBreaking free from a narcissist is exceedingly difficult – more so than breaking away from any other type of toxic relationship. I can give you tips all day on how to do it but sometimes it takes an objective source to hit the nail on the head. Below is a copy of an article that came in my email today from a website called Daily OM. I love this website because it’s filled with powerful messages that always hit home. The timing of this one in particular was perfect since it now follows my newest article about a little mental game – called Postpone & Pretend – I created to help us move on.

Now, to be clear, while the article below is intended for those who feel desperation in a relationship, it doesn’t specify that one partner is a narcissist. However, you and I know that a narcissist’s strategy is to compel us to act desperate and that it’s very difficult to pull away from those behaviors. Making us feel crazy is all part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic – a tactic intended to keep us in the queue. So, for this reason, you will recognize the behaviors (a.k.a. desperation rituals) described in the article and I felt it was worthy of sharing. When someone either is not capable of loving us (a narcissist) or simply doesn’t love us like we love them, we do begin to cling because we don’t understand the rejection. Rejection always hurts. However, it does us no good to continue pursuing this person, narcissist or not, because in doing this we only set ourselves up for more pain. It’s simply not worth it.

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In the article, Rhonda Findling discusses unhealthy relationships and shares some tips on how to keep us from breaking no contact. She also mentions a word that I use often – detachment. We all know how important it is to detach not only physically but mentally as well when trying to go No Contact. As victims of narcissistic partners, it’s just one of a plethora of strategies that we can follow to stop the nonsense. Both this article and my newest one on Postpone & Pretend should give you a wonderful head start. Enjoy!

Be Free from Unhealthy Relationships
by Rhonda Findling

If you are reading this then you are very likely someone who is trying to not call, text, e-mail or even Facebook a person that you:

• have broken up with or has broken up with you
• have determined is abusive
• are highly attracted to but they are not returning your level of interest (for whatever reason)
• have an unhealthy connection or relationship with
• is presently in your life but you’re trying to not act needy with

Through this work deep feelings might emerge or get triggered while you work on detaching from the person you are having an unhealthy relationship with. You will be learning new behaviors, ideas, and concepts to use as tools to help support you in your process.

I suggest having a journal where you can jot down your thoughts, emotions, and ideas to help in your transformational journey. A journal will also be useful for the writing exercise at the end of the lesson.

The whole point of resisting the urge to call, text or email is to:

  • Avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated
  • Give them a chance to feel the loss of you
  • Not put yourself in a position of pursuing someone who doesn’t return your level of interest
  • Detach from someone you’ve broken up with or has broken up with you
  • Detach from someone you’ve determined is not good for you
  • Detach from someone who is abusive
  • Detach from someone who is emotionally unavailable
  • Not act too overly needy with someone who is currently in your life

When you contact someone you’re not hearing from or trying to let go of there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline from the anticipation of seeing them, hearing their voice or reading their message. But this rush is just a temporary fix, which you may have to pay a tremendous price for.

Even if the person does respond positively when you contact them, it may be momentarily thrilling or electrifying, but soon the anguish will return, because the problem is still there. Nothing has really changed. You’re still not a couple or the person remains emotionally unavailable. You’ll just have to start detaching all over again, doubling your efforts If you’ve ended the relationship because someone was doing something that you experienced as hurtful or refused to tolerate any longer, contacting them would take away your credibility for the boundary you set. By initiating a contact you would also be colluding with the behavior that you already told them was unacceptable.

Impulsivity

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When you contact someone you’re trying not to act needy with, it’s often impulsive. Acting on impulse can make life exciting and dramatic but it can also put you at risk because you are not reflecting on whether it’s a productive behavior. You’re not thinking of the future and consequences. You’re just acting in the moment.

So if you’re thinking of making a contact, take time to reflect. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety. Don’t just do something because you feel like it. There could be disastrous effects if you do.

Call people in your support system to discuss any impulsive urges that come over you- whether to see, e-mail, call, or text them. Discuss and process your feelings with safe reliable people. Remember that feelings do pass. Feelings are only temporary, which is why it’s important to hang in there even when the urge to contact them feels unbearable.

You have to do whatever it takes to endure urges to make a contact and move past them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining emotional strength.

Clinging

Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on, not letting go. This can be exemplified by activities ranging from a compulsive phone call, text, or e-mail when they haven’t responded to any of your previous contacts. Contacting someone who is not reciprocating your interest, or has rejected you is a form of clinging. The urge to cling can be irresistible. You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn’t appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can’t control. You may experience actual discomfort when you don’t carry out the compulsive act.

Why clinging is not productive

There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a relationship. These people are married to their pathology. Your chasing them will not break through their defenses, resistances and impairment. Sometimes their lack of response or reciprocating is not even about you. It’s truly about them. It doesn’t make a difference because no matter who it’s about; they just can’t do it. They can’t be there for you. You must face the truth of their unavailability so you can let them go and move on. Bottom line, you can’t force another person’s feelings, motivation for relationship, or emotional health no matter how many rules and programs you follow or implement.

Action steps: What you can do when you want to cling

  • Distract yourself – do whatever it takes to not think about your ex or a person you’re trying to let go of even if it feels counter-intuitive.
  • Call someone in your support system.

Writing exercises

-Think of a time you were clinging to someone you were in love with. What were you feeling? What was behind the clinging? Was there another action you could have taken to not cling?

-What does it feel like to show someone that you have been clinging to that you are now independent? Does it feel empowering?

Action step/ Writing Exercise:

  • The next time you feel insecure or lonely, try not to reach out to the emotionally unavailable person you are currently attached to. Instead, see how you get through it on your own. Write about your feelings that come up in your journal.
  • Try to imagine life without the stress of an emotionally unavailable person’s confusing behavior. Get to know how it feels to have emotional space free of them. Write about your feelings in your journal.
  • Visualize yourself in a relationship with someone who’s sure of their love for you – someone who makes you feel secure…someone who has never disappointed or betrayed you.
  • Describe your relationship in your journal? What is that person like? How do you feel with them?

Spiritual Tip #5: Surrendering To What Is

If you’re trying to hold onto someone even though you know it’s a hopeless situation then you are resisting the inevitable. When it’s time for someone to go you can’t fight it. The relationship time with them has passed, even if it hurts. Surrender to what is.

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39 Comments

  • Sylvie

    March 21, 2015 at 7:02 pm Reply

    Wow I never thought it would come to this but here I am. After 8 years of this pain, suicide attempts, life totally ruined, here I am. I was told he was Narcissist back in 2009 and never did the research….and it got worse and worse and I fell for the lies more and more…..I’m attempting the NC after finding and reading your books. Though hard to read, because it is all so true and mirrors my experience to the letter. A true reality check and sometimes the truth is hard to face, though I’m a true advocate of being honest. It was amazing to read “You know it’s time to end the relationship with the Narcissist and go No Contact when”, from your book Breaking Up With the Narcissist. I met EVERYONE of the reasons, except the kid part and that is ONLY because I don’t have kids. I mean I met it to the letter. I’m choosing to go no contact now because I have been either “discarded” or experiencing another “silent treatment”. But this is after refusing to except just a “friendship” from him on HIS terms. Call when he want, don’t return calls, but not really wanting me to go, but I must be submissive to his terms. Hell you were never my friend. I remember saying to him time and time again over the years, friends don’t treat friends this way. But I would stay. The last discard was horrible, and I went back again. He really has it good, because I live in Virginia and he in Florida. I uprooted my entire life to move there on 4 different occasions, only to have him sabotage the move prior and after I get there. Start not answering a week before I’m to leave, women “friends” coming to the door, calling the police on me, staying out all night on his birthday weekend, with condoms laying on top of his suitcase when he returned knowing I would see them. He did not want me there, because his other supply chain is there. I finally get it now, but damn it is so hard. I miss him, but keep asking myself, miss what, the no conversation on the phone while I try to make conversation, the lies, the calling 5 minutes before he has to clock in for work so he does not have to talk, the coldness. It has gotten really bad now, as if it was not bad before. I guess because I have started to create some boundaries, that or he has a new supply, which is most likely, or he is angry because I exposed his mess to his current supply chain. I don’t know. All I do know is I need help and support. I don’t have any friends that understand. They think I should be over this yesterday……Look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for your books and sharing your experience.

  • Ebbyone

    March 20, 2015 at 2:29 pm Reply

    Hi Zari. I posted a few weeks ago and so appreciated your reply. 🙂

    I had been almost 5 months MOSTLY NC when I slipped and let my (married) N know I missed him when he sent me a random text (just to see if he was blocked–unfortunately, he wasn’t). We ended up sleeping together only twice and then I said we couldn’t go back to our affair — that until he left his W, we wouldn’t be meeting or having sex. He agreed..said he didn’t want to do that either and respected me. Some of the stuff he was saying made it SEEM like he had really learned his lesson and was trying to be more empathetic and understanding. I started to slowly buy into it thinking, well maybe this time apart has changed him and he’ll prove me wrong. Two days after our sleeping together, I got a weekend of silent treatment. That was the end of January. EVERY FLIPPING WEEK up until March 11 I got SOME form of silent treatment that lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours.

    He was starting to major future-fake and so many things were VERY reminiscent of our 2 1/2 years together. I started to get anxious again and doubts were building. My therapist suggested that in order for us to have a clean start and forget the past because that is what he kept telling me I needed to do (yes..I know this is their MO!), that we needed to just stop talking to each other at all until he finally left his wife. She didn’t really believe that we would be successful in a relationship, but as a way to support me, she felt that it was necessary and explained if he respected me, he would be willing to do this. According to him, he was planning to leave within 3 months anyway so it wouldn’t have been a long period of time that we would not be talking to each other.

    After a nice day and my going through a weekend feeling optimistic, he pulled the rug out from under me 2 days later with another silent treatment as punishment for not texting him “enough” even though he was the one who stopped texting and made me think he wasn’t able to. I asked him why he didn’t respond and got no logical answer. 24 hours later he told me he loved me so much it hurt, That prompted me to send him a text to tell him that I wanted to go NC..just temporarily. I tried to explain my rationale behind the decision..said I’d wait, wouldn’t date, still loved him, etc. but I felt this was best and it was something my therapist said would give us a good chance. That I couldn’t get over the past when things were happening that felt like we were still in it!! I said that I was giving him a chance to prove himself and although he wouldn’t like it, actions speak louder than words and he needed to do this. Not only did he not even want to think about it or consider it, he said no one gave me the silent treatment and if I needed to get counseling for that, then there must be something really wrong with me. He said I was screwed up and that he was trying to work with my previous “rules” – meaning no sex and no say in what I did with my social life, but this was it and he was done..he had had enough!! Finally after almost 3 years in my life, the ONLY thing he had not done to me as a full blown N happened. And that was to just go away.

    Five days passed until I got a text from him “Do you hate me?” I read it (so he could SEE I got it) but did not respond. I won’t respond if he texts again and I am most likely going to block him anyway. I’m strangely OK! I think I knew that this was going to happen and was sort of expecting it. It hurts a little knowing that he was just blowing smoke up my ass yet again about leaving his wife and that none of his changes WERE real, but honestly..he would have become MY nightmare, so she can have him. I honestly feel sorry for her! Not that he doesn’t cross my mind from time to time, but I no longer pine for him or wish things would have turned out differently. If my mind starts heading there, I snap myself out of it thinking..look at the bullet you dodged!

    I have been going to CoDA meetings which have been helpful and will continue to attend them and go to counseling so that I can get past this terrible experience and learn to make better choices in men! Oh..and consequently, during our break up I dated a few guys and based on this article you posted none were healthy! I’m fairly sure the last one I dated, although he seemed FAR different from MY N..was indeed another one! I gave him the heave-ho after only 3 weeks..I’m mad that I even let him have that much of my time! I know I need to work on my boundaries and myself before getting involved with anyone else for a while. This is the first time in my life I’ve been “manless’ … so it’s definitely different, but it is what I need and deserve. I’m free!!!!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      March 21, 2015 at 5:02 am Reply

      Hi Ebbyone,

      Congrats on being free, sister! When it was really over for me, I knew it because, I, too, was “strangely okay”. There comes a time when it’s just done and that’s that. It’s not to say that you’ll never be sad because of course you will… but the time that it lasts will become shorter and shorter. Work on your boundaries because they are our only protection. I’ve been alone for a long time now and even though sometimes it does feel lonely, I know that I will bring no baggage to the next relationship. It’s okay to stay alone for awhile…time is needed to heal the wounds, But I promise you, it will happen.

      Stay strong! You’re not alone in the fight and I’m here for you as always…..

      Zari xo

    • Beth's

      March 22, 2015 at 3:22 pm Reply

      Ebby The old “do you hate me?” Ahhh my ex N favorite. Even told me if I did he didn’t think he could go on! It’s nausiating. Feel sorry for his wife who’s self esteem is in the shitter after living with this con artist. Remember this. They never have your best interest at heart. Close the book and take back your life. Stay the course. It’s worth it!

      • Ebbyone

        March 23, 2015 at 12:38 pm Reply

        Hey Beth..thanks for the words of support. Well, as par of the course for my N, he has NOT discarded me much to my dismay. Yesterday he texted me a dream that he had in which he caught me when I jumped out of a tree and we talked face to face for a while ‘working things out’. That that was what we both wanted in the dream (and he hardly ever dreams). I ignored it. Three hours later I received another text in which he tells me that a tree in a dream can symbolize growth, new beginning, branching and reaching out. That it was a healthy tree and I was all smiles when he caught me. Again, I ignored it.

        I read it with as much emotion as I would the back of a cereal box! I was almost laughing at his total and complete LUNACY in now trying to convince me that because he had a dream about me in a tree that I would somehow be receptive to us beginning anew? PAH-LEASE! We’ve ‘begun anew” so many times only to have it repeatedly backfire on ME! It just kills me that HE was the one who walked away this time but now he is circling around me again thinking that I’ll take him back. (But that’s what they do..discard and boomerang back, right??) His whole pretense would be that “I” make changes for our new beginning..not him because he does/did nothing wrong. Never mind he is still living with his wife..that’s only a minor complication in his eyes, but it also was used as a MAJOR excuse why he couldn’t leave for over 2.5 years. I’m very tempted next time he texts me (because he WILL) to just do screen shots and forward them right to his wife as I have her cell number. Its not that I wish to hurt her anymore than I have, but if she thinks they are working on things or whatever bullsh*t he’s feeding her I think she has a right to know what’s really going on. I know without a doubt, he’ll go ballistic if I do it, but I honestly don’t care…

        He’s away in California now for at least 3 weeks on business which is a relief..but unfortunately, we do work together and he still has access to me via IM or email or even to call me. That sucks.

        • BethD

          March 25, 2015 at 12:38 am Reply

          Ebby. Your Narc is pretty good but mine was a master! I laughed when I read your dream story. Mine came up with dreams, sang love songs over the phone, dangled vacations and expensive jewelry. It worked for a long time. We probably broke up 10 times in a 3 year period. Then he was actually a prince for a few years. When he started Bs again I ran for the hills. I was older and wouldn’t tolerate it and his old Hoover tricks didn’t work. They will say or do anything to control good supply. Btw your Narc’s wife is probably a nice person. I found out my Narc was with someone when we met for 5 years. Juggled us both for awhile and then left her for me. Told me she was cold, not good in bed, bla bla. Now Knowing he is a Narc I realize he just got bored. I feel sorry for her now but bought all his bs back then. Hindsight is 20/20. Yea I would be tempted to tell the wife but you know he will be vindictive and his beaten down wife will stay anyway. I have a friend who dropped the dime on her married asshole. The wife stayed anyway and he went bonkers on her. It got real ugly. Not sure you need the additional drama but I do understand the temptation. :).

    • Ebbyone

      March 26, 2015 at 3:43 pm Reply

      WHY WHY WHY won’t they just go AWAY??? UGH. After another text from my N which went unanswered, he started emailing me yesterday with our work email system. (He can see when I am there or not because of our IM window). He was writing to apologize to me for his behavior and asked that we talk things out. He was upset that I seemed to not be interested in talking to him now which was an added complication FOR HIM. He said he thinks of me every minute of every day and really wants to work on things for US. I responded by sending him our last text exchange which I had typed up (just in case I needed evidence to show him) in which he told me he was done. I reminded him that he told me ‘no thanks , he had had enough” and I wasn’t interested in talking to him any further; that there was nothing to work on because there was no “us”.

      His reply was :”Ok, I see your still upset with me. I tried to reach out and apologize, that is what an apology is—admitting I was wrong. You took the opportunity to throw my words back in my face but still see no fault in yourself. So I messed up and told you what you have told me a dozen times, I did not mean it. I was hurt. If your telling me there is nothing to work out—ok. do not judge me on the actions I choose. I cannot read minds what you want. Please do not try to hurt me, I am already hurt enough as you are. You know I care about you and the way I feel. I know you do. I am asking you for the last time, Do you want to talk with me about us?”

      I had a hard time composing myself to not let him have it with both barrels, but I said that wasn’t upset at all, that I was totally clear headed about what I wanted. His apology coming two weeks AFTER he stopped talking to me seemed to take an awfully long time. That I wasn’t quite sure how I hurt HIM. If he didn’t like my suggestion of stopping contact until he was separated then he should have said let me think about it or that he didn’t like it much, but as a way to finally be with me, he was willing to do that. Instead, he chose to just stop talking to me while he pouted. He says, “–this is not true, all I was doing was thinking of it. I really do not understand you at times and you will not take the time to explain. If you want it over, there is not much I can do. But we will talk when I get back, I have some things to say face to face calmly.”

      He admitted that he gave me the silent treatment as a way HE CONTROLS himself so he doesn’t say things he might regret –that that is just how he handles things and didn’t I know that by now? It is #1 off of Zari’s list of Narcissistic Traits! ” – 1. The narcissist (N) demands that you tolerate and cater to his every need and always be available when it works for him. He, of course, does not have to be available for you ever. If you dare to question his unavailability or show an emotional reaction towards a manipulative behavior, you will likely receive a “punishment” such as the Silent Treatment (a narcissistic favorite) or the proverbial cold shoulder (if you live together) as a reminder of who has control. Keeping victims on the edge of their seats 24/7 is a very common narcissistic tactic for whittling away at a person’s self-confidence and inner security.”

      I told him I wasn’t going to just accept his apology and tell him it was Ok. That I had done that for 2 1/2 years and I was done putting up with it. We had a few more emails back and forth but basically it ended up with me telling him I was tired of him treating me like shit over and over again and that I wasn’t interested in talking to him anymore EVER. He demanded to know if I truly felt like he treated me badly and in what way? That he knows our only problem is that he isn’t separated yet and he was working on that. Exasperating much?? It’s like I could talk till I was blue in the face and he would NEVER GET IT. (That’s why NC is so important for our own sanity I suppose, LOL)

      I left for the day and then ended up texting him a few hours later that he needs to just leave me alone or I will tell his wife he’s still trying to get with me. He said he figured I would threaten him and he hoped I wouldn’t for the sake of his kids. He is still trying to maintain his status of innocence in having the affair when in fact he was caught more times than I can count. He stopped texting then and I’m HOPING he is done for a while. I expect him to try to talk to me when he gets back from his business trip as he just won’t resign himself to the fact that I am REALLY over him. His ego just can’t accept that I wouldn’t want anything to do with him because he is SUCH a great catch.

  • Sofia Burgos Audetat

    March 18, 2015 at 4:10 pm Reply

    Oh Zari, how I wish I had read this article back then, it is all so true!
    This is what’s still killing me. ( no, I didn’t completely heal yet, even though I some days really think I did ) I just can’t forgive myself for it and it keeps haunting me. The fact that I couldn’t control myself, that I lost my self-respect , that i soo much needed to hear from him again, that i could be so f….ng stupid!!! Aarrgghhh!!!
    The way he managed it to become a one sided relation and when I wanted to get out he fooled me back in again and as soon as I opened up again he turned it all around and I was back in there again, back in frustration…and he did it again and again…I guess that really made him feel powerful and I can just imagine how he must have laugh at me, watching me trying so hard to keep the smile up while he’s telling me how little I mean to him.
    This is the hardest part for me to accept.
    Much harder than the knowledge that he played me and I don’t know how to let go of the shame I still feel for my weakness .
    Hm… the thing is that a normal person who’s not interested anymore don’t come back to tell you how special you are to them etc…so , before we have him figured out, you believe him, or you want to believe him or you think that maybe , after all, he changed… But no…and you end up being “clingy” again….

    • Fia

      March 18, 2015 at 5:50 pm Reply

      Hello, Sorry, i just realized that my whole name came up with my comment. I changed it now. : )

  • Jess

    March 17, 2015 at 7:22 pm Reply

    Hi Zari,

    After spending a reasonable amount of time on your website, I realized that the true nightmare with the narc that I was with for about a year really begun after the breakup. I used to be so confused with all his actions and can’t seem to put a finger to what exactly he was up to, but things cannot be clearer right now. I truly see him for the person he is, and all the abuse; tactics to validate control, tricks, that he has been putting me under. It’s been about a year since the break up, and we have still been in contact. Since the breakup, he would text me at random moments at different months, and like you said, would just pop into my life and act like nothing happen. The worst part of it? I got ALL of that silent treatment, and begun to accept it into my life. True enough, the nightmare got worse. The narc would randomly text me out of the blue, and then when i DO REPLY, he would take 1-2 weeks to reply me. Of course, i tolerated it and started to fall into his stupid fucking trap. I had entered a game of cat and mouse, and this has been going on for a year since the breakup. Also, I guess that was when it occured to me that this isn’t any regular breakup and that something is off. The narc has since moved on to a couple new partners, and it kills me to to find out each time on his social media, especially when he is broadcasting his LOVE for this new partner. He seems to have a ‘serious’ new partner this time, and it makes me think that she could be the one that can make him stay. The narc has since been doing everything that HE NEVER DID for me with the new parnter, its fustrating.

    I’ve been trying to stop myself from finding out about his life, and has since gone no contact for about 2 weeks. It’s honestly really difficult, and I can’t seem to get him off my mind. I hate how even though it seems so clear of how the narc is TOXIC in my life and has absolutely no place, and is not deserving to be in my life anymore, I sometimes think about how things could have worked out. Sometimes i get mad at myself for letting things happen, for example, for not saving the relationship. Then again, I’m reminded that if the narc really loved me and wanted this relationship, he would have fought for it. Truth is, he didn’t The narc simply acted that he was sorry, and faked all sincerity and remorse when confronted. I won’t go into details exactly on what happened, but at that time it seemd quite clear to me that I needed to get the narc out of my life. It’s been awhile, and i’m still recovering for the whole heartbreak, and the 1 year long abuse that i’ve been under the narc since the breakup. The biggest problem that i’m facing right now is that the narc, of course, has very strategically planned to have a last connecting thread that would keep me coming back to him.

    The narc has an upaid library fine, and refuses to pay for it till date. I’ve been asking him to pay for the fine FOR A YEAR, since the breakup, and each time i ask for it, the narc would simply change the topic and act as if I’m speaking complete, utter, trash. And of course, i would get thrown off each time and end up not asking for the fine. However, each time i text him and ask for the fine, he would drift off once again and i’ve since given up. I didn’t get it at first, but I finally understood awhile back that he’s simply using it just so he knows i will keep coming back to “talk” to him. It’s true, i usually never make contact with the narc unless i have to talk about the fine. It really is fucking horrible, and i just can’t believe how pathetic he is. Now, I’m doing pretty well with No Contact, but how will i ever get my fine back? The amount is about 50 bucks, and i just simpy wont pay it for him, and I cant allow for the fine to keep building up with the library on my ass forever. Although i know that the only way to end this, which also wont cause me to contact the narc (what he wants), is to pay the fine for him. I really really need your advice on this one, because i really dont want to pay for someone so undeserving of anything from me.

    To add on, the narc seems really happy with his new partner and couldnt care less about me since i’ve ignored his last text for awhile. I am beyond digusted, and still very hurt, but your articles have helped me understand this whole situation better. Hope you’ll help on this one.

  • Amy

    March 12, 2015 at 4:01 pm Reply

    It is very hard to keep no contact when you have feelings.
    but it gets easier through time.
    you just have to see through the illusion that they are.
    yes easier said then done.
    without Zari and my readings i would have had a hard time.
    I still get emailed texted and harrassed everyday. Regardless of no contact.
    I left with only a few things, and now he tried to say i use him as a storage unit. then he just wants to apologize, or give me my things back.
    i still say no contact.
    all you can do is keep reading, moving forward, and realizing that these people have no empathy at all.. it is always just a part of their ploy..
    trust me, i cried so many days and nights, and the things that he has promised that even still does now.
    good days bad days sad days… dont deserve our energy.

    big hugs to everyone.

    Zari… when you get a IG. please… its amymassacre013
    because I massacred my heart and saved myself.. thanks to your help.
    Narcisst Free

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 10:13 pm Reply

      Hi Amy,

      You are the WOMAN, Amy! Look how far you’ve come and you DID do it all on your own (I was just the cheerleader!). Do not even respond to his bullshit and actually I really wish you would just block him from being able to contact you at all. The biggest strategy of No Contact is making it so that HE can’t contact YOU…so that you can go about your day without hearing the “ping” of a text coming in or knowing there’s a nasty voice mail for you to listen to. At one point, my ex had left over 100 nasty voice mails between my home and cell phone to the point where I couldn’t even get to any other messages without having to listen and delete them. It was horrible. I would sit there trying to delete them before I heard his voice but sometimes it just didn’t work and I’d get a jolt just hearing him say, “Zari…”. Block his email or change yours and let everyone know who needs to know that you have a new one. No contact is supposed to be no contact either way. Do it now, Amy, and be done with it. You’ll be amazed at much of your no contact time has been wasted just wondering what his next email will say. Once we block these fuckers, everything changes. He doesn’t care about your things – he’s just using that as a reason to haunt you forever.

      You know what to do girl. The block or email/phone number change is indeed a final step but it’s got to happen because he’ll never get tired of harassing you. Do it – CUT HIM OFF – and watch the miracles that happen, sister:)

      And I saved your IG and I will get to that account set-up! LOL

      Zari xo

  • CJ

    March 9, 2015 at 2:19 pm Reply

    I dated a Narcissist this past November, we met through mutual friends, I discovered later he was with is ex fiancé in Flordia eight hours away the weekend we started texting and talking. He lied initially telling me he was there visiting a niece and then later told me he did not tell me that, and stated he told me he was at his ex fiancé’s house (Halloween weekend) On the first date she kept texting him, and their were pictures of them in his living room. Red flag. I decided not to go back out with him, but he manipulated his way back in making excuses. He love bombed me, gave me roses every week for over a month, and bought me jewelry. (EXACT same thing he did with is ex fiancé) He future faked me as well. After Christmas in January I broke it off, two weeks later we got back together, and then two weeks after that he dumped me out of the blue. I was not the exception to the rule, and he was seeing his ex fiancé the two times we broke up. I have been in no contact now over a month, he texted once a few weeks ago, but I deleted it immediately. I look back now at his behavior and realized he was a narcissist. He had a sex addiction as well, and loved to brag about the threesome he once had. He was a sicko. no respect for me whatsoever. I let him cross my boundaries. Big mistake. I am sure now he is onto the next victim or back visiting his ex eight hours away.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2015 at 10:23 pm Reply

      Hi CJ,

      Glad that you made the break and be grateful that he’s someone ELSE’S sicko problem now. Now, write down those boundaries and commit to them so that no one will ever be able to hurt you again. It’s our only protection. My ex was a Master Boundary Stomper. he stomped on boudaries I didn’t even know that I had!

      If you haven’t read it, my book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing will help you work through the steps to getting over this once and for all. Best of luck to you…I know it’s hard but it’s truly not impossible:)

      Zari xo

  • martinee

    March 8, 2015 at 4:18 am Reply

    Dear Zari I am guilty of breaking no contact. Since changing my phone number I have seen the ex out twice. The first time I saw him I ignored him. He literally walked directly towards me and I turned my head. It actually felt good ignoring him. The second time I intended to do the same thing but other people that I was with spoke to him. So I decided to not seem angry and speak. I wish I hadn’t. He began asking me if I were still mad at him and I told him I wasn’t. (After the way he treated me when I became pregnant and subsequently miscarried I despise him) I told him that i just feel like he was never there for me. ( five wasted years)We continued with small talk and he had the audacity to say he would always be there for me it didnt matter if he were married. I gave him a look and he threw in at least as friends…I answered a phone call while he was talking his garbage and he looked annoyed and began saying goodbye. Goodbye I said and I couldnt walk away any faster. Two days later I went on his face book page and there it was a baby. My stomache dropped. Everything came together his bizarre behavior prior to me becoming pregnant. The way he discarded me when I told him I was pregnant and his lack of hoovering added up. I felt so many emotions. Now im anxious crying and all the pain has come flooding back. He had two women pregnant at the same time. Her baby lived and mine died. A part of me knows I dodged a bullet but another part wished that I was the the mother of his first born. When I begin thinking this way I try to remember how evil he was towards me. Then I messaged him on face book and via text. I congratulated him and let him know how everything made sense. No response as of yet. But I I decided I wouldnt respond to anything he would say anyways so its for the best. I cant help but yhink he is with her and happy and im still grieving the loss. Im hoping to find the good in goodbye. But right now im ruminating about the wasted time, the pregnancy and the way he treated me. WHat shocks me is how he can walk around with that mask on like he didnt do anything and just move on. Thank you for the article I really needed it and will read it again.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 8, 2015 at 11:34 am Reply

      Dear Martinee,

      I’m so, so sorry for you, sister, and I wish I could give you a big hug. You are right about everything that you figured out and, yes, it does make complete sense. The pieces of the puzzle always come together eventually when dealing with a cold-hearted narcissist. We have to remember that NOTHING a narcissist does is ever random…there is a sinister agenda behind every word and every action. Do not think for one minute that his life is ever going to be any different. Narcissists can no more love their children than they can love their partners and eventually will resort to the same bullshit ways when the novelty of his current situation wears off (any minute now!). Think about it…with everything you know now about what he did and how he calculated the scenario so that he got the long end of the stick, there’s no way that you would want to be the mother of his child. Break-ups have a way of giving us relationship amnesia and we have to be cognizant of that at all times. Like you stated in your post, how the hell can he just walk around like that with that fucking mask as if nothing important happened? When he asked you if you were still mad…what? That he walked out on you while you where pregnant? That he had two people pregnant at once and, sorry, but he had to make a choice? Who but a narcissist would even have the audacity to ask such a thing knowing how it ended and how he behaved? Believe me, girl, you are in so much better shape than the victim he’s with now. Soooooo much better shape. The Universe has a way of making things work out sometimes and I do believe it was looking out for you. And I know it is so sad about the pregnancy and my heart breaks for you….but it’s for the best and your time will come to be a mom if that’s what you choose and it will be perfect. This was simply not to be that time, sweet girl. Do not shed another tear over that bastard. Move on and be happy because you are FREE of this asshole. When and if you see him again, do not even look in his direction or acknowledge he’s even there. He doesn’t deserve the time of day.

      Stay strong and please feel free to write anytime. I’m on your side and I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

      • martinee

        March 8, 2015 at 11:03 pm Reply

        Zari…thanks for responding. I wished i never went back to him 6 mths after the miscarriage. I know i should have stayed no contact. I was still trying to figure out why.When he pulled the disappearing act again In september I changed my number. Since then I have seen him twice and have had no contact. Prior to me getting pregnant this man was behaving very strangely tossing and turning at night telling me he needed counseling but would never say what it was that was bothering him. Now I know it was that he had impregnated the other women. At some point him and her must have tried being serious because he disappeared on me again.When I told him i was pregnant our relationship was pretty much the same( always on his terms) But I did notice him becoming cold. Now I know this was a form of damage control and because he had a new source. Zari noone has rejected me so bad. He even took me to the beach to confess that he had slept with one of my cousins and that he was getting married. I love you but im not in love with you he said. Five years and thats all the loyalty I got. Then after miscarrying he changed his tune . “We need to talk.” ” I still want you in my life”. Im attracted to you and your attracted to me. Maybe the girlfriend ‘s belly was big and he wanted to use me to get off. He started triangulation telling me things about her such as we are working on our relationship.But still wanted me to come to his house. Never did he tell me he had a baby on the way. That relationship with his childs’ mother is definitely built on a shakey foundation. He is already hanging out at the club making googoo eyes at me. I know once the hurt dissipates im going to be so much better off than him. Thanking the universe for bringing it all to light…Yes to NO Contact!!!

        • Zari Ballard

          March 14, 2015 at 10:59 pm Reply

          Hi Martinee,

          Yes, thank God & the Universe for bringing it all to light. I am so sorry all of that happened, girl, but you are free of this bastard and only GOOD can come of that. He’s really a bastard, making babies everywhere he goes. See him for what he really is. No NORMAL guy would continually put women through that pain over and over and over. He is a pathological liar and baby maker and you, my dear, have dodged the biggest bullet of your life. Have no sadness over that man and be grateful everyday that you are not connected to this demon for life like all the others. You are going to be just fine, sister!

          Zari xo

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