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What Exactly IS a Narcissist? Connect the dots

What exactly IS a narcissist? Growing up, I always thought the word “narcissist” meant conceited…someone who spent to much time in the mirror, grooming himself or herself for the outside world. I do believe that, at that time, this was the definition and personality disorders were yet to be defined. Boyfriends and girlfriends, it seems, did not behave the way that they do today or maybe we were more tolerant, I don’t know. I can only go by my own experience and while some of the behaviors that we now deem narcissistic certainly took place back then, I tend to feel that the intentions of the perpetrators were different. Narcissism has evolved over the decades – of that we can be sure. And when we fail to understand or recognize these new intentions of the modern day narc, we make up illogical reasons to stay with the narcissist.

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Narcissism is NOT a Mental ILLNESS

Some may argue the point but I am a firm believer that narcissism is NOT a mental illness. I have a son who has mental illness and I know for a fact that those who have mental illness would give anything to be ‘normal’ and to think ‘normal’, to not have their loved ones scurrying around always trying to fix it somehow, someway. Mental illnesses can be treated and managed with therapy and medication and my son has proven this to be true.  Those with mental illness feel emotional pain and have sympathy and empathy towards themselves and others. To say that narcissism is a mental illness is to do a disservice to any person who truly suffers the anguish and agony. Although we’d like to think otherwise, narcissists do not suffer.

Narcissism is a disorder based upon behaviors and not a chemical imbalance. Narcissists know right from wrong and simply choose to the opposite because it makes them feel better and because the narcissist, to the narcissist, always comes first. The narcissist is typically very intelligent and often witty. He or she has a “thing” or “way” about them that is attractive to other people. This “way”, in many instances, allows the narcissist to become highly successful or extremely talented at an art or to move along in business simply by knowing what makes people tick. This “way” allows the narcissist to blend into society under the guise of being someone totally different.

Nefarious Characteristics

The more nefarious characteristics that separate a narcissist from a “normal” person are a complete lack of empathy and sympathy and an innate intention to do harm to people who don’t deserve it. I would go as far as to say that these characteristics also offer up the best definition of a narcissistic personality overall. A narcissist enjoys the emotional suffering of others and will do anything to make it happen even if it puts him or her at risk of looking like the fool he or she really is. Narcissists lie even when the truth is a better story just to gauge the amount of deception they can get away with.

And it’s not always the outward behavior but the level of betrayal that results that is the most shocking. It is usually the intention of a narcissist, once this is realized, that lays the fatal blow. In other words, not every cheater is a narcissist because the intention of the cheater is important. A ‘normal’ person who makes a mistake by cheating on the fly and then feels guilty afterwards and never does it again is not the same as a cheater who sets out to cheat at every turn even when they have a long-term partner or wife/husband and family at home waiting and worrying. The latter is a narcissist, the former is an idiot and the intention of each is very different.

All the above being said, I do think that narcissism comes from somewhere. In my book When Love Is a Lie, I offer two darkly humorous possibilities – one describes a factory where adult humans are “produced”…where QC Inspectors stand alongside a conveyor belt inspecting each human “product” as it goes down the line. All defective “product” is pulled off the line and tossed into boxes and all good “product” gets a stamp of approval. Narcissists, I say, are the broken products – the defective humans – who somehow climbed out of the box and made their way into society where they’ve learned to blend in, some seamlessly. Narcissists also learned to fly under the radar and come disguised as husbands, wives, siblings, bosses, parents, and more.

Since narcissists all exhibit the exact same behaviors right down to using the same word garbage (narcspeak), I’ve also presented a second scenario of narcissists being born with the same internal playbook – a playbook that updates as they grow up, providing strategies, tactics and maneuvers to use in different situations.

Obviously, neither is true, and I am more inclined to believe that every narcissist has at least one parent who is narcissistic and this is the starting point. And although every narcissist has stories of childhood abuse, I tend to think that narcissism comes more from neglect than physical abuse and that this occurs during the years of 3 to 6 when – supposedly – humans develop empathy and sympathy toward others. It’s a one shot deal they say so if there is parental neglect/abuse during these years – POOF – a narcissist emerges. This rings true to me. However, since narcissists are intelligent beings with the ability to think critically and given that many become successful and have families, my own sympathy toward their plight is negligible. Narcissists are simply so mean and deceitful that I really don’t care how they got that way.

When you question whether or not your partner is a narcissist, you have to get educated and think logically. Start by making a list the hurtful behaviors. If the dots connect to narcissism, he or she is a narc. If the dots don’t connect, then he or she is likely just a boy or girl behaving badly who deserves to be forgiven if you have the patience and the time.

I’ve written a book called Narcissism in A Nutshell that lays it all out very carefully, showing how the dots connect, so that there will no question at the end under which category your partner belongs.  This is a disorder based on behaviors that are hard to ignore once we’ve become educated. And given that there are millions of narcissists roaming the planet, education is our best weapon for keeping these predators at bay.

Do you question whether your partner is a narcissist? Let me know in the comments!

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13 Comments

  • Cheryl

    July 14, 2019 at 11:45 am Reply

    Imagine my surprise as a therapist to realize I had been in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years! Apparently I had some personal healing to do. How could I not have seen the signs? How did I not recognize the lack of boundaries? Many of my friends and clients ask these same question, we all feel betrayed – not only by the narc, but by ourselves. PS I’ve seen a pattern of strong powerful people being the target for narcissist. Cheryl

    • Zari Ballard

      July 26, 2019 at 1:05 am Reply

      Hi Cheryl,

      You are not alone. I have had several professional therapists call ME for a narc recovery consultation. You didn’t see the signs because I don’t believe the textbooks really lay it out there and besides, love is blind. If you’ve never experienced it, how are you to know? I don’t buy into the blame game because the narc did plenty of that in the relationship, right? So, cut yourself some slack, girl. Now, with your new knowledge, you’ll be better equipped to help others going forward. No blaming or beating yourself up. These are covert and deceptive people.
      You are just fine the way that you are.

      xo

  • Denise Ulrich

    July 6, 2019 at 2:40 am Reply

    How do I know for sure if the man I love is truly a narcissist or just severely scared from the ex wife who ended up cheating on him( after several years of supposedly a great marriage )with the neighbor and when caught, Left him and their two girls moving in with the other man? The man that I love, will call him B. He Ilooked me up through Facebook sending me a text through messenger once his divorce was final. Sidenote, I’ve known B for over 25 years but we did not stay in contact over the years. He probably dated a handful of times but nothing serious, although when we started talking as I recall he didn’t make it sound like we had much more of a relationship back then. So and start of my story with B in August of 2015 at the time of his first reaching out to me after all these years I had just relocated out-of-state to better my career and take a new direction in life. We communicated for a few months via the phone which consists of thousands of men to mod talking every free second we had texting each other consistently and sharing pictures, Heartfelt love quotes etc. he told me everything I wanted to hear and all I dreamed of within a relationship. I thought he was the perfect man and fell head over heels quickly. That October my third granddaughter was born and I took a trip back home where B pick me up from the airport and we spent an amazing week together I did not want to go back nor did he want me to. We continued the long distance love affair where he repeatedly told me he love me over the next several weeks but one day I came out that we would not work with me being so far away. So I made the choice to move back home and in with him. Things were mostly great over the next three months or so even though it was a challenge due to his ex-wife in which he painted a pretty awful picture of her as being crazy and unstable. I believe every word he said due to her actions and consistently attempting to try and contact him. He was pretty open with all this in the beginning with me but then seemed to start hiding the fact that she was contacting so much. He stopped tell me he love me, there was no infection unless I initiated I knew nothing was as he made me believed it would be. We were back-and-forth even to this day several times in and out of this relationship. When I was gone he made no effort or if he did very little and contacting me I will always make the first move and go back. And still over the next few years never told me he love me or would we have and intimate relationship. I voiced my feelings several times but he just made me sound crazy and that he just wanted normal that I left him too many times and I needed to now prove my love to him before he could love me. But every little thing I seem to do seemed to irritate him setting us back and always causing Hurtful arguments. Sure he would throw me a bone every once in a while making me feel special and having sex which would bring me right back to head over heels. This all is just a very small portion of our love story together. But in listening to your book when love is a lie I was shocked and how much I felt I could relate to. We currently do not live together and haven’t for months but the contact is still there with more of him reaching out to me and showing his affection for me making it feel more real than he has over the last few years. Why do I love this man so much? I will was always so strong willed, I am very self-sufficient and there was never a man I couldn’t walk away from, including my ex-husband oh my was married to for 16 years. Believe it or not I see now even though we were not great marriage material we are best friends. So as I sit here writing this I still question could there ever be true love between B and myself or is he that narcissist playing games with my head? I’m so confused!

  • Marie

    May 8, 2019 at 11:10 am Reply

    Had someone from my past haven’t spoken to in years or seen In years literally four years ago come and contact me and threaten to expose my pictures telling me they gonna cherish them with millions of men I told them it was a crime they didn’t care said make sure I spell their name right kept harassing me even sexually harassing me through text making up lies about me saying they did this and that to me some pretty degrading sex acts that never truly happened because I was a virgin when I met them I ignored it . They even tried to ask me questions about my life and my relationship and even suggested I had a daughter which I do and never told them that info about me saying they like milfs and just harassing me and the saying they’ll take care of me and my child and give them a child dump my loser bf and even sent me a picture of their bank account saying they are rich and bullying me and telling me I was always to broke too see them etc. I swear I feel mentally ill I had no idea this person was such a monster like this my jaw dropped never have I encounter so much evilness they felt they was justified even acted like they were the victim and I was the so called bitch telling me I haven’t changed and I’m this and that. This most ludicrous experience for me I even had to get my poor bf involved because I didn’t know how to react or handle the situation it was too much to bear let’s say I had to change all my contact info email number etc called cops they didn’t do anything because he lived in another state they didn’t seem to care much just told me to block him. I’m paranoid I’m scared and fearful of this person I’ve been having nightmares can’t rest peacefully anymore this such traumatizing experience that I thought only happened in movies it became my reality pls help me get some insight on this because I’m puzzled

  • Jamie Stewart

    May 3, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply

    i am questioning if my love is a narsasistic!

  • Margaret

    April 26, 2019 at 5:19 pm Reply

    I’d like to know what the difference between a narcissist and a person with borderline personality disorder is. They have so many similar characteristics that us hard to Differentiate

    • Zari Ballard

      May 4, 2019 at 12:20 am Reply

      Hi Margaret,

      Honestly, I don’t know the exact difference because many narcs – especially the females – like to call themselves borderlines so that they don’t have to carry the label of narcissist. I do know that the traits are nearly identical. My thinking is that a TRUE borderline is AWARE of what they are and would prefer not to be that way, know what I mean? This is the take I get. A narcissist, of course, likes themselves just as they are and wouldn’t change even if they could!

      Zari:)

  • leila

    April 24, 2019 at 3:38 pm Reply

    Narcissism is in the DSM 5. The holy grail of mental illnesses. It is characterized as a personality dieorder.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 4, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply

      Hi Leila,

      Oh, I have to disagree as I state in the article. Narcissism is not “the holy grail” of mental illnesses, I don’t care where it’s listed and as what. It is a personality DISORDER which is based on behaviors. The verbiage of text books means nothing. Narcissism can’t EVEN be compared to mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and even bi-polar disorder, both of which are chemical imbalances. Even as it is listed in DSM 5, there is a notation that no tests have been done or studies concluded on narcissism which makes the fact that it is listed a moot point. To call it a mental illness is such an insult to people who actually suffer from mental illnesses and this is article I explain why. Thanks for writing in today!

      Zari:)

      • Leila deurell

        May 4, 2019 at 5:27 am Reply

        I know that narcissism is not the holy grail of mental illnesses. It is not a mental illness per se but in the DSM5 where the symptoms of personality disorders and mental illnesses are stated. There are diagnostic criterea in there for diagnosticians. I was a psyc nurse for 30 years. Personality disorders ar the hardest to work with. A borderline personality disorder patient of mine said she did everything to get me fired, go firgure. I may have been misinterpreted by you.

  • Hector Lagos

    April 23, 2019 at 11:07 pm Reply

    Todos los rasgos senas y acctitud es exacta cómo la describes ,parece icreincremente fuera del conocimiento de uno que estas personas existen y están dirigidos a mi ,es increíble cómo llegué a cambiar a justificar y lo peor aceptar el comportamiento sin moral ética obcseno ella 25anos yo 48 ,ella es scort
    Donde me manipuló sexual y sufrida (golpeada por el ex)
    Pero a veces pienso que podría también ser Narc????

    All the traits and attitude is exactly how you describe it, it seems to be out of the knowledge of one that these people exist and are directed to me, it is incredible how I came to change to justify and the worst to accept the behavior without ethical morals. I’m 48,
    she is 25 scort
    Where she manipulated me sexually and suffered (beaten by the ex)she said
    But sometimes I think it could also be Narc ????

    • Zari Ballard

      May 4, 2019 at 12:35 am Reply

      Hi Hector,

      First, I think she’s just too young. If indeed she is a narc, you need to know that the PRIME for a woman narc (as I see it) is around 45 and then there’s even a few years left after that! Why put up with this shit. 25 is still old enough to know better so she knows what she’s doing. I know you like the idea of having such a young girlfriend but say you put up with it for another five years, then you’ll be 50. It’s just not worth the risk, in my opinion. Think sustainability for the LONG-TERM. It’s time to be realistic. Good luck, brother…

      Zari:)

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