What Exactly IS a Narcissist? Connect the dots

What exactly IS a narcissist? Growing up, I always thought the word “narcissist” meant conceited…someone who spent to much time in the mirror, grooming himself or herself for the outside world. I do believe that, at that time, this was the definition and personality disorders were yet to be defined. Boyfriends and girlfriends, it seems, did not behave the way that they do today or maybe we were more tolerant, I don’t know. I can only go by my own experience and while some of the behaviors that we now deem narcissistic certainly took place back then, I tend to feel that the intentions of the perpetrators were different. Narcissism has evolved over the decades – of that we can be sure. And when we fail to understand or recognize these new intentions of the modern day narc, we make up illogical reasons to stay with the narcissist.

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Narcissism is NOT a Mental ILLNESS

Some may argue the point but I am a firm believer that narcissism is NOT a mental illness. I have a son who has mental illness and I know for a fact that those who have mental illness would give anything to be ‘normal’ and to think ‘normal’, to not have their loved ones scurrying around always trying to fix it somehow, someway. Mental illnesses can be treated and managed with therapy and medication and my son has proven this to be true.  Those with mental illness feel emotional pain and have sympathy and empathy towards themselves and others. To say that narcissism is a mental illness is to do a disservice to any person who truly suffers the anguish and agony. Although we’d like to think otherwise, narcissists do not suffer.

Narcissism is a disorder based upon behaviors and not a chemical imbalance. Narcissists know right from wrong and simply choose to the opposite because it makes them feel better and because the narcissist, to the narcissist, always comes first. The narcissist is typically very intelligent and often witty. He or she has a “thing” or “way” about them that is attractive to other people. This “way”, in many instances, allows the narcissist to become highly successful or extremely talented at an art or to move along in business simply by knowing what makes people tick. This “way” allows the narcissist to blend into society under the guise of being someone totally different.

Nefarious Characteristics

The more nefarious characteristics that separate a narcissist from a “normal” person are a complete lack of empathy and sympathy and an innate intention to do harm to people who don’t deserve it. I would go as far as to say that these characteristics also offer up the best definition of a narcissistic personality overall. A narcissist enjoys the emotional suffering of others and will do anything to make it happen even if it puts him or her at risk of looking like the fool he or she really is. Narcissists lie even when the truth is a better story just to gauge the amount of deception they can get away with.

And it’s not always the outward behavior but the level of betrayal that results that is the most shocking. It is usually the intention of a narcissist, once this is realized, that lays the fatal blow. In other words, not every cheater is a narcissist because the intention of the cheater is important. A ‘normal’ person who makes a mistake by cheating on the fly and then feels guilty afterwards and never does it again is not the same as a cheater who sets out to cheat at every turn even when they have a long-term partner or wife/husband and family at home waiting and worrying. The latter is a narcissist, the former is an idiot and the intention of each is very different.

All the above being said, I do think that narcissism comes from somewhere. In my book When Love Is a Lie, I offer two darkly humorous possibilities – one describes a factory where adult humans are “produced”…where QC Inspectors stand alongside a conveyor belt inspecting each human “product” as it goes down the line. All defective “product” is pulled off the line and tossed into boxes and all good “product” gets a stamp of approval. Narcissists, I say, are the broken products – the defective humans – who somehow climbed out of the box and made their way into society where they’ve learned to blend in, some seamlessly. Narcissists also learned to fly under the radar and come disguised as husbands, wives, siblings, bosses, parents, and more.

Since narcissists all exhibit the exact same behaviors right down to using the same word garbage (narcspeak), I’ve also presented a second scenario of narcissists being born with the same internal playbook – a playbook that updates as they grow up, providing strategies, tactics and maneuvers to use in different situations.

Obviously, neither is true, and I am more inclined to believe that every narcissist has at least one parent who is narcissistic and this is the starting point. And although every narcissist has stories of childhood abuse, I tend to think that narcissism comes more from neglect than physical abuse and that this occurs during the years of 3 to 6 when – supposedly – humans develop empathy and sympathy toward others. It’s a one shot deal they say so if there is parental neglect/abuse during these years – POOF – a narcissist emerges. This rings true to me. However, since narcissists are intelligent beings with the ability to think critically and given that many become successful and have families, my own sympathy toward their plight is negligible. Narcissists are simply so mean and deceitful that I really don’t care how they got that way.

When you question whether or not your partner is a narcissist, you have to get educated and think logically. Start by making a list the hurtful behaviors. If the dots connect to narcissism, he or she is a narc. If the dots don’t connect, then he or she is likely just a boy or girl behaving badly who deserves to be forgiven if you have the patience and the time.

I’ve written a book called Narcissism in A Nutshell that lays it all out very carefully, showing how the dots connect, so that there will no question at the end under which category your partner belongs.  This is a disorder based on behaviors that are hard to ignore once we’ve become educated. And given that there are millions of narcissists roaming the planet, education is our best weapon for keeping these predators at bay.

Do you question whether your partner is a narcissist? Let me know in the comments!