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5 Illogical Reasons Why We Stay With a Narcissist

zari-ballard-quoteOkay, so why do we stay with a narcissistic abuser even when we know better? Even when we, as smart, educated, and “normal” people, realize that something about this person is uncomfortably off? Even as we watch the last slivers of our former self – the person we were before the narc – fly out the window? Well, the answer is amazingly complicated and don’t let anyone outside of your relationship realm tell you differently.

Since nothing about a relationship with a narcissist is normal, there will be nothing normal about the break-up. The truth is that unless a person has experienced life with a narc first-hand, they will never understand exactly what you are going through. So, pay no mind to the incessant “friendly” advice from friends and loved ones (“Why can’t you leave!” or “I don’t understand you. Just walk out!”). Only you and you alone can write the ending to the story. It is up to you, as the narcissist’s victim partner, to come to your senses. The catch, however, is that you need to do it without guilt or self-judgment. Having guilt, shame or self-judgment will only keep you lingering in the loop. You must set all that aside in order to get the recovery ball rolling.

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Understand that the majority of the behaviors that get us into emotional trouble with a narc actually stem from our good  qualities. Think about it…it’s our tendency to never quit that makes us stay past closing time and, under normal circumstances, we’d be praised for that! The same goes for our willingness to forgive and our penchant for being compassionate and patient. A person could certainly have worse qualities! The problem with a narc-situation is that none of this is ever reciprocated and this is where is gets mixed up. The human brain simply isn’t prepared to have feelings and emotions so completely rejected and, thus, the question of why we stay becomes a true source of personal angst. So, to start, lets take a look at just a few of the many complicated and crazy reasons why we do might to stay with a narcissistic abuser:

  1. Because if we could only make them understand, everything would work itself out. I don’t know about you but, as the years passed, I became more and more obsessed with making my ex – the narcissist – understand  the awfulness of his own mind-boggling behaviors. His actions were often so hurtful that I thought surely if I could make him understand  that pulling a month-long silent treatment for no reason at all was just wrong, we could live happily ever after. Obviously,  this never happened. I do believe that 95% of us stay in the relationship just a little bit longer, allowing the narc to come back just one more time, for this very reason. We think that perhaps we didn’t explain it well enough the last time or maybe it’s that awful childhood with a narcissistic mother that gets him a pass or who knows  but this  time we’re going to make him understand that he just can’t do that! So we explain and explain – sometimes calmly and sometimes wildly – that it’s his sketchy cell phone antics,  mysterious disappearances and reappearances, and all those pathological lies that are the root of the problems and cause of the break-ups. We figure that anyone with half a brain would understand that we are right (because we are!) and do their best to fix it. After all, doesn’t he want a normal relationship? So we explain, plead, and even bargain but all we get is the infamous blank stare. And then another year goes by.
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  2. Because, after all, nobody’s perfect! Since we can never quite understand what the narcissist is thinking when he’s behaving so badly, we bargain with logic to make excuses for it. Perhaps he’s just having a bad day or maybe we really were acting like drama queens or being too sensitive or jealous. Even though, in all past relationships (even those that ended badly), we never remember feeling so horribly uneasy, maybe, this time, it really IS us and we should cut the guy some slack. Even though, in past relationships, we never felt compelled to be super sleuth investigators about anything, perhaps now  we really are making mountains out of molehills. After all, nobody’s perfect, right? So when the narcissist returns, we choose to pick our battles and forgive and forget. And then another year goes by.
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  3. Because the truth is that we never really have any concrete proof of anything! How is it possible that, despite having swift spidey senses and amazing super-sleuth abilities, we can’t ever seem to produce undeniable concrete evidence? Some might say Well, maybe that’s because there is nothing to find  but I say that’s bullshit. Narcissists and sociopaths know EXACTLY how to keep their worlds from colliding. Mine would look right at me and say “You can’t prove that.” It’s all about creating plausible deniability. A narc will duck and dodge and talk in riddles and punish us for asking questions…all with the intent of silencing our suspicions. Even our intuition (which NEVER lies) is no match for this deception. A narcissist in the Game of Life is in it to win it. Everything – all day, every day – is about what he can get away it. He keeps his shenanigans so on the down low that even with evidence dropping all around, he rarely, if ever, gets caught. And because he knows that we want (more than anything) to believe he is loyal, he’s not exactly worried about it. To us, the evidence we do have never seems to be quite enough. So, we stay in the relationship if only to hold out for the one puzzle piece that will be undeniable…and another year goes sadly by.
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  4. Because he always eventually returns so he really must love me!! This is probably our #1 reason for staying with a narcissist and it couldn’t be farther from the truth. If the partner we love truly loved us back, he wouldn’t leave at all let alone leave and return over and over and over. My ex would disappear every year in October and not resurface until after the new year, conveniently missing every important holiday in between and shirking all relationship responsibilities. This guy would literally vanish and each time he did, I suffered as if it was the first time. Since he always returned, usually feigning amnesia as to why we ever broke up, I thought we were destined to be together. I mean, what guy in their right mind would keep returning over and over to someone he didn’t love, right? I figured surely  one of his reappearances would stick. One time, amazed that he was back, I demanded to know why, based on his history, I should even consider it. To this, he announced “Those days are over!” and it was mighty convincing. In previous years, his replies ranged from “What does it matter? I’m here now” to a shrug of the shoulder so this newest comeback from his bag of tricks gave me great hope!  When the narcissist proclaims his “love”, we simply want to believe. Sadly, we continually settle for crumbs…and then another year goes by. For me, it was just nine short months until the next October.
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  5. Because we simply want to see what the fuck is going to happen next. Even better, when we’ve been in it long enough to predict the narc’s next move, then we stay to see if what we’ve predicted is going to come true. It usually does and then being right becomes the addiction! Crazy? Maybe…but yup, that’s what we do. And then another year goes by.

You can escape the madness, my friends, and I can help you. I do it every day, all day with people all over the world. There is no magic fix but relief is possible. It all begins with understanding. If you want to talk about it, call me. This is a crazy life we lead and recovery from narcissist abuse has got to be a team effort.

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54 Comments

  • judy

    October 12, 2017 at 5:20 pm Reply

    Ok. My relationship with Narc started exactly a year ago. I was in another state having job and living with ex and when we met online we could talk and text like an hour. He was like an angel from the heaven. He was the man that can hear me, understand me… like I said he was in another state and wanted to see me in person and after couple discussion I agree to met him for a dinner. It was like love in first sight. He was the Mr Perfect. and we start to see each other more often, mostly I was driving to see him. And one day he told me he cannot stand that I am living with my ex so come to live with him. My ex wasn’t a bad guy, he was actually very nice but the relationship was over. So… after his offer in his house, he drove me to the state where I live and the same day I resign from my job with one week notice and left my house in a same day taking just my clothes without saying anything to my ex about him. I was so in love, he worded to me we will get married, have a kid, beautiful house and we will open our place, I don’t need to work because he has a really good job so I can go for my dreams to do my Phd without worrying how I will afford.
    After I moved first month was just like a romance in the movies, after first month he start checking my phones, criticize my friends and my relationship with them and he also deleted some of them from my phone as I moved to another state I didn’t know anybody and the only way I could socialize was my friends over the phone. And after that he start creating nonsense arguments that I felt really desperate that how I cannot explain myself and he is making fuzz out of blue. Each argument was stronger than the other one and I started crying an having nervous breakdowns because seems like the man I talk does not hear what I say, it was no logic what he was saying or doing. But at the end he was always coming and hugging me and saying that he loves me and I am his love of his life. So i was thinking he is just getting jealous and I will fix it later on. He bought a new house right before we met so there were no furniture and staff even to sit on. So he wanted to buy furnitures and staff. And he also want us to fly where our family is and let them to get to know each other. My parents start making wedding plans.
    After I met his mother and get engagement party and stay with them 15 days with no problem(except she was bitching about why she cannot be with him alone, why I am there so on – the reason was because he wanted so. He said he would be so bored without me staying his parents for 15 days)…Whatever after this vacation he came home and I came after two weeks and strange things started to happen. when I was back he told me he want to break up, he is not happy with me, he would be better without me!!! after all these ceremonies and everything I couldn’t figured out why until I saw his mother 10 pages nasty email about me and my family. And I am a gold digger, I am worst than his ex wife who took everything from him when she was leaving and so on… I couldn’t believe my eyes and talk to him about it. He said she is nonsense it has nothing to do with her email. We are just fighting too much!! (Because of me??? or your non-logical arguments over anything???) it was two months ago and we are still living together, in this period he told me hundred times he owe me and try again and next day changed his mind and we are not good together. I cannot leave right know because he had all my savings that I borrowed him when he was buying a car and have no money. When I asked my money back he told me just to count for the months that I lived in his house, our travels and furnitures we bought for the his home? really 10K ?
    Now I found a job in the same city but I cannot cope with the depression and insomnia and I even to think to kill myself, I started two antidepressants as psychiatrist told me that I am in major depression but the side effects for the beginning is even worse. He says he is and he was in financial crisis but he didn’t tell me because I would leave him that is the reason he cannot give my money… I am in the situation now I have to live somewhere very far from where I used to live and know literally nobody and still living in this house with him with no support to my mental state he created. He keep telling me he will give my money in a week for a month… but he does not, even he does I don’t know how to start a new life all by myself after all that romance and promises and disappointments… I am 37 years old never married and I have no hope for the future now.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 13, 2017 at 1:18 am Reply

      Hi Judy,

      Please, please forgive me for being so late in responding. Your story is so sad and so awful and he is a horrible man but you ARE SO YOUNG, SISTER!!! Do you live in America? For some reason, I feel that this awful woman who was to be your mother-in-law does not live here, am I right? OF COURSE it was the eight page email that caused this mama’s boy to change his mind and this makes him an absolute COWARD. Is it at all possible to go back to the state that you came from to stay with one of your friends?? Can you call your old job?? How about your ex? I truly feel that THIS GUY was the gold digger who saw a wonderful girl with a little bit of money he could steal for a car. What a creep!!! Is your name on anything because yes he does absolutely owe you that money but I doubt you will ever get it. Your mental health is more important at this point…God! What a complete narcissistic jerk!

      Judy, you DO know how to start a new life all by yourself…you just do it like you did before. You are only 37!! That is so young you have no idea. Save your money…in fact, HOARD it and give him NOTHING. In the meantime, call the people from your old life and make a plan. You made a mistake…so what…so many of us have done it. You must have a friend FROM YOUR OLD LIFE that you can trust…

      Please feel free to write me using this page…I really care and want to know how you are doing, my sad sister…..Stay strong and know that you can have a wonderful long life with a bright future…you really can!!!

      Zari xo

  • Bojana

    September 4, 2017 at 12:16 am Reply

    Hello.
    First I would like to say that this site is helping me survive these days, and after almost a year of searching it is the ONLY COMPLETE elaboration of my life during past two and a half years. I’m dealing with a serial cheater, Mr Nice guy, adored by everybody… I already left once for two months this year, but he promissed to go to therapy and to make things work because i am “the love of his life”. Ofcourse, he did it again…and again… 3rd time this year, last time with his maid and cook ho helps him with his children (he is a widower) . Now we are not together but I know he is here, close, sending messages and wanting to talk and to make things better and our separation “more civil”, after “all beautiful things we had together” (because “we are after all two good people)… and he says – “he will not lose hope and he will go to sleep and wake up with me in his head and his heart.”
    How can I deal with him in order to punish him, because that is my obbssesion now…

    • Zari Ballard

      October 9, 2017 at 7:04 pm Reply

      Hi Bojana,

      Getting even with a narc rarely works because their revenge on your revenge will always be worse. It sounds to me that your best revenge is to pretty much appear to vanish off the face of the earth. Block him and absolutely REFUSE to speak or communicate in any way. It’s the only way. Do not give him the opportunity to hurt you ever again. You can do this!

      If you want some one on one support and validation, book some time and talk with me. Sounds like you need some advice on how to deal with this…his shenanigans and his bullshit hoovering behavior. He is so not worth it…you deserve to be free:)

      Zari xo

  • TeresaB

    August 29, 2017 at 1:29 pm Reply

    I feel like I’m reading about the past year and a half of my life, it’s eerie- do they all follow a playbook? Still going through it, I’m glad- and sad- to see I’m not alone on this absurd roller coaster ride. Hopefully I’m one step closer to finally getting off.

  • hope

    August 14, 2017 at 9:47 am Reply

    My husband is a narcissist ,I figured it out very late.i have 3 children.I tried leaving the house but he can take my children by the law,in my country the husband takes the children.so I still with him because of this law.now the law is changed,the mother can takes her children but he will kidnap them and disappear.he threatened me.so I will wait until my kids grow up and after that I will leave him.I don’t love him any more.I am with him because my daughter asked me to stay with her.she said mom please don’t leave me alone with him,she was 4.now she is 11 & her brother 10 & little sister is 9.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 3, 2017 at 2:57 pm Reply

      You have a long way to wait, sister:(….I hope and pray that it goes by quickly. Practice showing and feeling DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE in order to save your sanity. If you lived in the US, I’d be giving you a completely different response, telling you to grab the kids and run if you could, but I understand that things are very different where you are at. I am so sorry for that. It’s an unfair world…

      Stay strong, sister….

      Zari

  • Elli

    August 11, 2017 at 2:28 am Reply

    The article is eye opening. I have been searching the internet far and wide to answer my question of ‘why am I not good enough?’. I can see now, that I am. I gave my narc unconditional, adoring love. To only be met with secrets, lies and him moving on faster than the speed of light. The breakup has left me psychotic and heartbroken, given that it’s now the third time. Every time he wins me back the promises are bigger, better and more secure. But the fall is worse and worse. I hear from people he knows telling me he thought I was perfect, beautiful, intelligent, but then hear he’s seeing someone else. I hope one day, he get’s some help about this issue otherwise he’ll end up a lonely man. I just pray for me that the next man in my life I see the signs before I open up my heart.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 24, 2017 at 12:01 am Reply

      Hi Elli,

      Unfortunately, there is no help for narcissism. It is un-fixable. And even if there were help for this disorder, a narcissist would refuse it BECAUSE HE/SHE LIKES THEMSELVES JUST THE WAY THAT THEY ARE. Your guy is a textbook case and you WILL survive this. Check out my book When Love Is a Lie or book some talk time with me so that I can drill it into your head that it was never you:) Again, YOU are and never were the problem. In this, you have to be absolutely sure…

      Zari xo

  • Jenny

    August 5, 2017 at 11:42 pm Reply

    It’s real simple. if we weren’t Love-Bombed, we wouldn’t fall in love with this ‘pretend” soulmate to begin with. The End. I was clueless as I’m sure we all were. So in my mind, the most important thing to do as a society is teach our teenage girls about these predators and this love-bombing techniques they use to catch us.
    We all want to meet our Soulmate,I know I did. I didn’t believe it love-at-first-sight though. I use to grunt in disgust at those romance movies where this happened because I just “knew” it was fake. That is until I met my ex. Instant connection. I “knew” him. What I didn’t know was that he was an expert at seducing women. Lots and lots of women. Now I know I was played He was looking for someone like me to marry and fit in his new life as a teacher. And I was a perfect match. We were married a year later. What I thought was a storybook romance turned out to be a huge mistake and a waste of 15 years of my life.
    If I had known about Love-Bombing, I wouldn’t have been so smitten so quickly. I would have been cautious, taken my time.. Kept my options open. I would have continued to date that cute lawyer who was respectful, easy going, and really into me. Who knows, I might of married him instead, and then I wouldn’t be sharing this story right now.

    • Jenny

      August 6, 2017 at 12:10 am Reply

      I just want to say I find it freeing to admit that I was played by my ex from the moment I met him. It’s freeing because I no longer “have” to love him. He was NEVER my Soulmate. I didn’t do anything wrong. I can never change and make him love me again. Because he never loved me to begin with….. His hook into me has always been, “If you would only change and stop being you, I would want to be with you, spend time with you, be in a relationship with you.” But I know now, that this is a LIE. Nothing I can ever do will create a “happy ever after” with this man because he NEVER LOVED ME. We didn’t have a soulmate kind of love at one time. This was a fairy tale he created for his own agenda. But just because he was incapable of love, this doesn’t diminish the love I felt for him. My love was genuine. I know how to love another person and I will love someone again.

  • Mandy

    July 10, 2017 at 3:59 am Reply

    Argh! I’m so cross with myself. After three weeks of no contact and having blocked him on my phone, I was driving to the hospital to visit my sick grandmother and found myself behind “the other woman” I followed her car and sure enough she pulls up outside his house. I then drive round the corner, pull over and send a txt telling him to have a lovely afternoon with his “friend” as that’s what he insists she is even though she frequently stays the night. Anyway, he then texted me back with a simple hello and lots of kisses. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, I wish I hadn’t contacted him. Back on the wagon now and his number re-blocked. I wish I could understand why I miss the bastard so much. I have never loved someone with such intensity in all my 52 years on this planet. When I was with him I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, I was transfixed, caressing every part of him with my eyes, my heart always felt so full of love and desire for him even though he totally fucked with my mind on a weekly basis.

    When I initially found out what he was up to, I turned up on his doorstep one morning and sure enough she was in his bed. She came downstairs barely dressed to tell me to leave him alone as they were a couple. I told her wow, that’s odd because I’d been seeing him for four years and thought we were a couple, and how his bed had barely had time to get cold as I’d been in it the previous afternoon. I also told her that we weren’t the only two women in his life right now but she wouldn’t listen or believe me. All he did with the three of us standing there was to keep repeating that he didn’t have to explain anything to me as I was out of order for turning up out of the blue and that I was shouting and being abusive and didn’t deserve his time. I know it makes me sound like the crazy stalker one here but this is what they do to you. Turn a sane woman mad! I’ve done all the late night drive-byes, totally ridiculous and I feel ashamed, never felt the need to do this with any of my previous boyfriends. No one ever produced this level of permanent anxiety and paranoia ever.

    It makes no logical sense why they are so difficult to leave apart from it being an addiction. Last night for the first time I recognised and acknowledged that feeling, it truly is an addiction. I was craving a fix of him, it was a painful craving but I was at least recognising it for what it was. I had to keep re running all the shit things he’s done to me to try and stop the feeling but even that doesn’t really help. I suppose it’s like any addiction, we just have to ride out the excruciating agony of going cold turkey in the belief that it does eventually get better. But like many of the posters here, although I am sure I will find love again, I don’t believe I will ever love another again with such intensity. I think that’s their hook, for some insane reason we love them with such insane intensity, we feel them in every cell of our bodies, how the fuck do they do this? It’s like black magic, voodoo I will never make sense of this as long as I live.

    • Mandy

      July 10, 2017 at 6:16 am Reply

      I’ve also done the endless trying to explain what’s normal behaviour, respecting others feelings and boundaries etc. Endless epic texts and emails trying to make him see the light. Their behaviour is totally predictable, but so as I am learning from reading Zari’s book, so is ours, we too follow a pattern until we finally wake up to the painful reality that things will never ever change within the relationship no matter what you do. I’m out, but still suffering indelible pain and heartache, I know it will fade but it can’t come soon enough as I am a broken person and struggling to function in the most basic of ways. Giving myself a pat on the back today as I have at least got out of bed and showered and made myself look and smell nice. I don’t always achieve that, the most basic of daily rituals. 🙁

      • Lorie

        July 10, 2017 at 6:43 am Reply

        Hi Mandy, I read your post and I know that is difficult for you to write. I know as I have been there. Your story truely is my story. It was devasting to me to find out about the other women and the other life he was living. I am in 1 yr no contact and now I am out of the fog. I feel for you, come here often. It helps to read these stories. Your story still effected me as it was so much like mine. I pulled in his house just as she pulled out… caught… but he still lied. Said it was a different friend. When I said… “I SAW HER” he still tried to lie through it, I still went back. Why I have no idea but I was always on guard and was basically a spy incognito. Finally after I was 3 way’d on the phone by “the other women” and he didn’t know I was on the line and to make a long story short he said he loved her and to come over. This after I had just left with kisses, hugs and I love you’s to me. Its all very twisted. I still remember that gut wrenching feeling. I too am your age. It gets better not to deal with the mess of it all. Thanks for writing you didn’t even know it and you helped me!

        • Mandy

          July 10, 2017 at 4:52 pm Reply

          Your story is my story Lorie! I felt like a spy too. And my narc lied in the face of all the cold hard evidence and made me feel like the crazy one. Unless you’ve lived it there’s no way of understanding what a narcs victim goes through or why we stay in the face of such awful abuse and why we find it so hard to leave. I went out tonight to band practice and then the pub and laughed and had lots of fun and felt like me surrounded by good honest friends who love me. I came home, switched on the laptop to look at emails etc and my narc has emailed me playing the pity card, they never stop do they? I’m ignoring him, but felt sick when I saw his email show up. If I mark it as spam that should sort out any future emails? I think I will be a very frequent visitor to this site for some time to come. I’m so happy that you are out of the fog, I wish you happiness and love. One day I will have moved on from this pain and it can’t come soon enough. xx

          • Lorie

            July 10, 2017 at 6:44 pm

            Mandy I am so glad you went out and got to laugh and to be yourself. There is life after this. Just do not break no contact. Take if from someone who has over and over and as Zari says they will never ever change. I have felt that gut wrench.. and its best to ignore. You don’t ever want to see or go through facing that again do you? They will try everything and us nice people who want to give the benefit of the doubt suffer. You will have sadness but that slime bag doesn’t deserve you!!! We got this!!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 10, 2017 at 3:03 pm Reply

      Hi Mandy,

      Oh yeah…it sure does seem like BLACK MAGIC VOODOO! lol I am sorry you are going through all this. Please consider calling me about it. You’d be amazed what a conversation (s) can do, girl. I’ll drill that bastard out of your head…it’s what I do and I’m good at it:) Read the reviews. It’s all about changing your perspective and I mean that. You don’t have to suffer and you WILL make sense of it (and quick). You don’t have to be going through all this nonsense, driving around. I’ve been there, done that and it IS awful. Breaks my heart to read your story.

      Zari xo

    • Mandy

      July 10, 2017 at 4:56 pm Reply

      Hi Zari, I’d love to talk to you but I’m in the UK and I think it would cost me a fortune in phone costs! I read your book and so much rings true, they really are a species unto themselves! But we, the victims are too. It’s all textbook stuff! Thank you for replying and thank you for your book and this website, it’s a lifesaver! xx

      • Zari Ballard

        July 14, 2017 at 5:47 pm Reply

        Hi Mandy,

        I talk to people every day from the UK. We use the Viber app which is free and the connection is amazing. So, don’t let the distance of continents stop you, girl. Book some time and let’s chat:)

        Zari xo

    • Jenny

      August 6, 2017 at 1:00 am Reply

      “I don’t believe I will ever love another again with such intensity. I think that’s their hook, for some insane reason we love them with such insane intensity, we feel them in every cell of our bodies, how the fuck do they do this? …..” They don’t do it. WE do it. We create the intensity inside ourselves. My ex even told me this. He said that I exuded pheromones and that’s why he loved having sex with me. Maybe that’s what attracts a narc to certain women? Anyway, we’ve been victimized twice. First by the narcissist. Second by our own bodies. When we fall in love, love hormones surge through our body strengthening the feelings we have for the other – bonding us to them. Please don’t underestimate yourself. All the passion and connection in narc relationships comes from us, not them. Since my narc didn’t love me, I wasn’t “receiving” anything from him I just “thought” I was receiving love and connection from him. In reality, I was SELF-intoxicated by who I “thought” he was, but since he wasn’t this person, I had to be the one creating the connection and intensity all by my lonesome!! So I know I will feel even more connection and intensity next time I fall in love because the guy I’m with will be reciprocating my feelings for him, with his feelings for me. We will build on each other’s intensity. Besides that, it will be REAL not fake, so it will be delicious. Magic!!!!

    • Elle

      September 23, 2017 at 10:04 am Reply

      I would like to Thank every one of you for sharing-Thank you so much for all of your courageous stories on this website.
      i hope we all recover!
      At least we know the truth now! Someone told me about trauma bonding which led me to this website some months back! Thanks in large part to Zari and this eye-opening website, I am trying to recover from a 10 year relationship with an “N”!
      I am now broken up with him! The hardest part now is all the money he owes me that I will probably never see!
      I told him to leave this time. He is usually the one to discard me and Hoover back in!
      I am attempting to stay no contact.
      I was in the dark for 10 years-I believed all his charming lies! Then a girl that he propositioned for sex told me he tried to have sex with her!
      He denied it and verbally abused me for it at first!
      Then he texted me saying it was true after I broke up with him!
      I was always aware something was wrong but he lied and charmed me so good. I know NOW how to trust my instincts-this is something he did very well-He would make me question myself why I was suspicious!
      He used to say that I was making up assumptions when I questioned him on his absences!
      He used the word assumption so many times while dehumanizing me. Now I know that my assumptions were not assumptions at all and my instincts can be trusted.
      I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t find this website!
      I would still be alone in the dark!
      My sense of humour gets me through some of it too. I made a cartoon out of him in the end! I told him years ago that if he didn’t stop mocking me and cursing me that I would make a cartoon of him one day!
      A Magpie is a scavenger bird that is very beautiful to look at. Just like him! I made a cartoon and drew him half human/half Magpie!
      He hated the cartoon and went on a rant about it for months!
      Seriously though, Just Knowing there are other women who go through this exact thing out there takes some of the sting out of this nightmare for me!
      Zari shared about the N making you puke!
      Mine made me puke too!
      We really don’t deserve that ladies!
      That is just a terrible thing to do to another human being, but they do!
      Heartlessly!
      I hope you all find recovery!
      The men out there too!
      Thanks again:
      Hope you all find the healing you deserve!

      • Zari Ballard

        September 28, 2017 at 12:52 pm Reply

        Hi Elle,

        So sorry that it took me so long to moderate your post:) The cartoon must have been excellent in order to get him so mad!! LOL Bet you caused a little narcissistic injury with THAT one – good for you:) If you can, Elle, read my book When Love Is a Lie. You will relate to all of it as it is my story and how I finally found my way out. Our lives become all but interchangeable when we love these types of people. Come here any time and write as much as you like. Recovery is a team effort!

        Zari xo

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