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Will the Narcissist Come Back? Maybe…but then what?

will-narcissist-returnThe narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and this is the ONLY reason. If you remember nothing else from what I tell you, you must remember that. The sociopath and narcissist will hoover for no other reason than to get another chance to hurt you. This is why it seems that the narcissist returns only to leave again – and this time quicker than the time before. He might even get up and leave after the great make-up sex, saying he’ll be right back or he’ll call you later and – POOF – he’s gone again. Make no mistake…all these “comings and goings” are intended to hurt you. It’s all by grande narcissistic design.

It’s important that we understand that the life of the narcissist’s target is nothing more than a massive playing field upon which the N can hone his evil skills. It’s a stomping ground where he can practice better ways to execute his game and plan for the attack. Knowing this, when we agonize over whether a narcissist will come back or if he will ever return after a silent treatment the answer, obviously, is maybe…but then what? Any time away from the narc is a step in the right direction so are you really ready to go back to square one after coming this far? Think about it.

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Narcissists, of course, do not miraculously fix themselves while they’re away although they certainly will try to tell you differently. Returns are usually prompted by the bad behaviors of whomever they left you for (and they did leave you for someone) or the ding of the bell as your name pops back up in the queue or by any one of a myriad of warped narratives dictated by the narcissist’s relationship agenda. And because the narcissist knows you as well as you think you know him, he is confident in the fact that he’s managed down your expectations to the point that you’ll take him back without significant repercussions or consequences. This is a highly dysfunctional dynamic, my friends, and you are settling for crumbs by allowing this behavior.

I receive so many letters from women and men who have succeeded with No Contact to the point that they are actually living life in the manner that they deserve. It makes me want to rejoice, it really does. I know how hard it is to stick to No Contact because I was never very good at it. What happens, though, inevitably, is that somewhere along the line I start receiving the question of whether or not the N will return from those who have been doing well. Why does this happen and why is it so fucking hard to let this bastard (or bitch) go? What is the “hold” and why is it so strong? Is this sudden, out-of-the-blue feeling of slight panic or desperation normal? My answer is yes…yes it is.

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When we start wondering if maybe…just maybe…the narcissist (our ex) will come back, hoover, or reappear after a disappearance, or start communicating after a silent treatment, we are falling back into the waiting pattern that kept us hostage for years. Seriously, think about the amount of time that you’ve spent waiting for your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife over the course of your relationship.

When I look back on my life with the ex, there’s no doubt that we spent more time apart than together and he made sure of that! I talk about this at length in my book When Love Is a Lie. In this book, I tell you in detail what happened to me over thirteen years and how I finally mentally called it off even before we split up for good. I started making small choices that changed the way I behaved in reaction to his narcissistic behaviors and the result was amazing. It’s about changing your perspective and if I did it, you can do it too.

You must understand that none of this nonsense will ever change – ever. Not for you, not for the next person, and not for the ones that come after that. Get the irrational thought that this is even a possibility right out of your head.

The narcissist will continue to hurt you until the end of time because that’s what narcissists do and they enjoy it. Your suffering is actually the narcissist’s reward for a job well done and don’t you forget it. If he couldn’t mess with your head, he literally would have nothing to do. Letting go of the narcissist is about removing yourself from the mental anguish…from the perpetual waiting game that keeps you clinging to a false love. Co-dependency is a very real thing and so is trauma bonding and all of these things probably have happened to you over the course of your experience with a narcissistic partner.  There are so many reasons why we fall back after doing so well…after feeling stronger than ever for the first time in forever…and we must be gentle with ourselves and at the same time be sane in our response to it.

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You don’t have to give in to the feeling of missing this very bad person and you also don’t have to forgive a narcissist – not now or in the future. When you start asking yourself  if he will return, if you feel like you’re suddenly waiting again, if you don’t understand why you’ve taken ten steps back after moving five steps forward, understand that you are in recovery much like any other addict.

Look hard at your intention with everything you do, say, and think during this time. Deep down, you don’t want the narcissist back. Not really. I know you don’t. The good sex (when he obliged) or the funny joke (when he felt like entertaining you) or the “I love you” (when he was telling you what you needed to hear to give him what he wanted) or the tenderness (that he extended to everyone when duty called)…none of that is worth more your freedom and happiness, my friends.

Remember that throughout the relationship and during every break-up or silent treatment, our suffering changed nothing. If our suffering changes nothing, then we might as well try to be fucking happy!

Stay strong and be safe in the journey!

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114 Comments

  • Brittany

    December 2, 2015 at 5:01 am Reply

    Hey, I love to your article! I was wondering a few things, I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 17 months now, my only love but before me 3 years ago before he ever knew me he had an ex girlfriend we’ll call her Sam and they dated back in high school for about 10 months so not that long, he was both of our first love they didn’t work out bc he cheated on her through out their whole relationship he isn’t a bad guy he was just messed up on drugs and not ready to settle down at the time girls didn’t start wanting him until he started dating her I guess that was when he became more popular but he finally broke it off with her she knew about his cheating the whole time but chose to stay with him anyways. Him and her stayed in touch and would still have sex since it’s familiar she was pretty but he said that they just wernt compatible nore really could hold a conversation together. But he never really could let her go he tried so many times to get her back and she would either turn him down or sleep with him and get his hopes up of possible reconciliation then tell him after she’s done with him that they couldn’t be together and leave him hurt. So 3 years go by and the cycle between them two continue not together but she always comes back one way or another, she started contacting him again she was in a relationship for a year and a half with another guy until he left her for someone else so she went back to my boyfriend and they agreed to be friends with benefits he meets me a couple months later we started hanging out and liking each other a he finds out and apparently for really jealous, she would like our fb pics together started making time for him And always trying to talk to him and be all over him when they were together, after 3 weeks into us dating she tried to kiss him and she knew we were dating but she didn’t care he turned down her kiss offer she was pissed and finally told him that she let go of the best thing that ever happened to her and that she wanted to give her relationship another try and to not forget everything they ever had he told her that they couldn’t be together anymore and that he wanted to be with me now but still wanted to be her friend. She got mad and asked him to at least think about it and then gave him a surprise kiss attack he still told her no. She Hates home now and as long as he’s with me she won’t talk to him she moved on so why couldn’t he, how did I become a threat to her to make her want him back?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm Reply

      Hi Brittany,

      I’m not sure what your question is because it sounds as if your guy is happy to just be with you and she’s out of the picture, right? It’s natural for a girl, after being a couple and then friends w/benefits for years, to feel jealous of the guy’s new girlfriend. She was used to him chasing after her and being able to pull him in whenever. That was the arrangement that they had and he broke it (which was the right thing to do because he met you). So her feeling of rejection was perfectly normal but it appears that she’s moving on again now so I wouldn’t worry about it unless it comes up again. even then, it sounds like your boyfriend’s a normal guy and that he’s chosen you. It sounds all good to me!

      Zari xo

      • Brittany

        December 15, 2015 at 3:22 am Reply

        Thank you! I know I sound ridiculous and I guess I was just curious if she was considered a narcissist herself. And yes I think she did move on, he tried being her friend in the past I guess he wanted to keep the peace but I guess since he rejected her so much she couldn’t handle staying just his friend, me and my boyfriend had issues a couple months ago I hit up his ex girlfriends best friend (bad on my part) but to try to get answers to someone who was close with her to make sure that I wasn’t 2nd choice. She told me that he did try getting her back so I confronted him and he swore that wasn’t true and that he really did choose me over her and that she most likely spread that rumor herself out of anger he guesses. I knew her best friend was gonna get back to her with it and a few days later after his ex refusing to talk to him she started liking his fb statues out of the blue I guess she thought we broken up and that she can just try to reel her way back into his life and try to see if she can have him to herself again whenever she wanted him before me. He cut her off for me. And told me that she is the past and that I’m who he wants. But since this was only a few months ago that she tried hitting him up again when she thought he was available made me realize that after everything that has happened between them and us being together for a year she still wasn’t over him. But I respect that she knows to stay away when we are still together. But would she be considered a narcissist? Do you think she really wanted him back or that she just misses being able to control him and make him wait on her?

        • Zari Ballard

          December 15, 2015 at 4:51 pm Reply

          Hi Brittany,

          Okay, now I see what you were asking…it was about her perhaps being a narcissist. Well, I’d have to say that since that didn’t pop into my head reading your story (LOL) that the answer is no. From what you shared, I saw it like I explained. HOWEVER, now that you’ve shared more events, I’m going to throw you a curve ball. I’m actually inclined to believe the story the best friend told you – the reason being that she has no reason to lie. And even if she was relaying what SHE’D been told by the ex-girlfriend, I’d have to say that there’s really no reason for the ex to lie either – at least not about that. First of all, you stated your boyfriend used the word “rumor” to describe what she said but the truth is that there was no rumor. The only reason that you were told the information was because you asked for it so it sounds as if both the ex and the best friend weren’t starting “rumors” about anything. I’d bet that the story was true and that it worked both ways and THAT’S why she gets so upset. Sounds to me like it’s him that goes back and forth giving mixed-messages. Narcissists can’t help but stay connected to ex’s. Happens every day, all day. Also, the fact that he likes to make her sound like a rejected nutcase is another typical narcissistic tactic. I’d be inclined to think that when she’s “liking” his FB, he’s giving her a reason to feel that she can. Your assuming he’s telling you the truth but you already fact-checked with the best friend and found something different. Of course, he was going to deny it but there are two sides to every story. People don’t usually get upset over rejection over and over unless they’ve been getting strung along. All of us can attest to that.

          I could be completely wrong but that would be rare here. Since you’re asking, I’m giving my observations. If she’s such a nutcase and he wants nothing to do with her, then he should have no problem blocking her on FB and having no contact whatsoever. OR you could contact her directly and find out the scoop.

          Good luck, my friend!

          Zari xo

          • Brittany

            December 15, 2015 at 11:35 pm

            My heat dropped a lot after reading that bc I don’t wanna believe that it’s true but I also won’t deny the facts either. He did want to stay friends with her before while he’s been with me and all she would do was ignore his request it hurt me a lot bc I wasn’t sure if he still had feelings for her and I’m just there bc he can’t have her. Do you think that I am just a rebound or if it really is me that he wanted to be with? He admitted that he tried to stay intouch with her but only bc he wanted to make amends with her and that he wasn’t trying to get her back he gave me his fb password and let’s me go through his phone to prove to me that he has nothing to hide. He swears up and down that he loves me and only me and that she’s the past he hates that I bring her up so much bc I do but after showing me thoughts signs of missing her by trying to stay in touch makes me think that if she were to hit him up anytime now he wouldn’t hesitate to be there for her. The last time she tried to hit him up to make sure that he was ok bc he was in a car accident he told me that she tried to talk to him and said that he will do anything he can to prove to me that he wants me and not her I just don’t know how I’ll ever shake this insecurity now. I feel like in the beginning that I was not his first choice and he swears that’s why she stopped talking to him bc he did reject her on getting back into a relationship with her bc from what I remembered they stayed intouch and were friends with benefits and out of no where she hated him and stopped talking to him and he said that was why bc he wanted to be with me and cut her off on the romance part. And as soon as she thought we broken up she tried to contact him again so idk…

          • Zari Ballard

            December 20, 2015 at 1:39 am

            Hi Brittany,

            I feel that you’re obsessing about this girl and their past relationship and this isn’t doing you or your relationship with this guy any good. I don’t want to keep guessing at what they’re doing or thinking because that does you no good either. You only have a couple of choices here: 1) to put her aside and get on with your relationship, asking no more questions, 2) to speak with her directly and see what she says. or 3) to end the relationship and move on. If he gave you his FB info and phone info, then you really have the proof either way right in front of you. I still believe that he should block her on FB because that will put an end to you wondering and looking to see what she “likes” of his posts. Too bad he even does the social media because it is so stupid and ALWAYS causes grief. But the fact is that he does is something you have to deal with, so blocking her should put your mind at ease.

            Like I said before, if, in fact, he contacted her when he shouldn’t have, you’re sure as hell not gonna get that information from him. The best friend already told you what happened. My thought is that you should just let it go and allow your confidence to shine through. Stop talking about her and asking questions because all that does is keep her in the forefront of both of your minds. If it’s really over between them as he says (which is very, very possible based on what you’ve shared here), then I would think you’d want him to forget her. That’s not going to happen if you keep bringing it up.

            So, you have your three choices and only you can decide. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that, if he agrees to block her on FB so that she can’t be “liking” or “talking”, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go. And stop looking at the social media for awhile. If things happen, believe me, you will know it. But for now, no girl is worth obsessing about. Be confident in yourself and go forward.

            Stay strong and have an awesome holiday, girl!

            Zari xo

          • Brittany

            December 20, 2015 at 3:51 am

            Thank you! Your right, I haven’t been bringing her up the past week now and I’ve noticed how much it’s made an impact on our relationship, he’s told me on the past the she is the past and that I am who he wants to be with, he always says to me when I bring it up “who am I with?” And “if I wanted to be with her i would with be with her or stay single and wait for her”..I am his longest relationship. He begged me to be with him and his family for Christmas, he family loves me. I do believe now that it’s me he wants bc he’s with me almost 24/7 he’s never not by my side to cheat or anything. I do believe now I was really over thinking it. What they had was just high school kids love where me and him are adults and know what we want when it comes to a partner now that were older. Thank you again and you too!! 🙂

          • Zari Ballard

            December 20, 2015 at 4:24 pm

            Hi Brittany,

            Cool….I believe you’re going to do just fine, girl. It’s easy to let our thoughts get away from us. Be mindful – meaning stay aware but in the moment. And always go with your gut feeling. I wish you nothing but the best!

            Zari xo

  • Sharon Brown

    November 11, 2015 at 3:48 pm Reply

    Hello,love the article, I was in a relationship with a narcissists it caused me a great deal of pain. I decided to go no-contact I am doing much better. I have a question, A month a the narcissists name Charles recently contacted our daughter with phone calls when she didn’t responded he face time her he’s never did that before. My point is Charles has never cared anything about our daughter. Can you tell me why he contacted her? What is he up to? Thank you Sharon!

    • Zari Ballard

      November 14, 2015 at 9:29 pm Reply

      Hi Sharon,

      I wish I could tell you that I thought he was contacting his daughter because he was genuinely interested but I can’t. The more likely motive was to find a way to get some information…see how YOU’VE been doing and how life is around there, etc. Narcissist’s never have a good motive for anything so I can’t even begin to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your best bet is stay out of it and hopefully he won’t lead your daughter on too far. If he starts making promises, I would gently remind her that he hasn’t been around so for her not to get her hopes up for anything different. And I would stay away from any interaction.

      By the way, do you get child support? Don’t let him get away with not paying under any circumstance. Working or not, his name needs to get in the system. Too many narcs get away with this and then think they can pop in to say hi or to see the kid whenever they want.

      Stay strong, sister and I’m here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Charlie

    November 10, 2015 at 10:29 pm Reply

    Thank God for people like you who share. Without you I would have never known what I was / am going through. I hope this is the end for me. I have ruined my whole life for this N. I have been more hurt than I have ever been by anyone.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2015 at 3:15 pm Reply

      Hi Charlie,

      Hang in there, brother:) It gets better, I promise. You’re life isn’t ruined. I thought so too but I was wrong. There are so many survivors here in this forum and you will be one of them. If you want it to be the end, it will be. Stay vigilant and always remember that you deserve to be happy!

      Write anytime and always know that I’m here to support you…

      Zari xo

  • Ange

    September 12, 2015 at 2:34 pm Reply

    Hi all… right, well i got discarded weds after I confronted my boyfriend on how cold he had been in the last couple weeks, to which he replied his feelings had changed, while all the time glaring at me like it was my fault and I was something he was chewing on that tasted awfull! Plus Bering in mind We had only been back together 6 weeks after he chased me no end to give him another chance after the last breakup! I was reluctant to give it another go the last time but after receiving a text one sat night when he knew I was out with friends stating that he was basically on the verge of killing himself if I didn’t help him with his cocaine habbit, I caved in and let him back into my life again… i so wish I hadn’t!
    So he started a 12 step program and at first he was all full of promises that now he was off the drugs that everything would be different because this was the root of all his problems, paranoia, selfishness, no empathy, lying, cheating, controlling ways! By now I had already started my research on narcissists a while ago so I was aware of the idealise, devalue and discard process but wanted to so much to believe it was the drugs that turned him into this horrible person not his actual personality. in fact I found him to be worse off the drugs then on them! He seemed to feel nothing at all without them, was even more unemotional, uncaring and into himself, he also completely lost interest in sex and blamed this on the lack of drugs, he’s been doing coke for 20 years, not daily but binging at the weekends.

    We have broken up many time, mainly when he was on a drug fuelled mission and got paranoid and started accusing me of all sorts! It would always result him in packing and going (to his ex I discovered).
    This time was very different (i felt the build up of discard coming, cold detached, no text in the day, not calling or returning my calls). normally when we argue,one or the other would say enough is enough, he would pack his things and go and I would let him, never tried to stop him and I always went no contact straight away but always give in and reply as soon as he messaged me….. text, text and more texts and all would be forgive again (and there as been a lot I needed to forgive him for trust me).

    So again he’s packed his stuff but messaged saying he couldn’t collect it until the next day (no explanation as to why his feelings have changed, no sorry for hurting my feelings thanks for supporting me and no kiss at the end, nothing! He was so angry at me but he was finishing it! Anyway I replied that was fine and deleted him completely from my phone.
    So i came home later to all his stuff packed and ready to go but this time I knew the M.O of leaving the odd thing here and there so he had a reason to contact me as before, so I gathered up all his odds and sods that he had left lying about and put them with the rest of his stuff, left a note on the top stating ‘ That’s everything, so there’s no need for any further contact and please leave my keys.

    Get home, his stuff has gone and at the bottom of my note to him was “best wishes Ang, thank you for EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN THAT, ok no contact xxx”. I then find me door key on the mat but no fob key for the main entrance door – he has always left both before and knows one goes with the other! I’m now left with a decion regarding my fob and getting it returned, so instead of me breaking no contact I got my best friend to message him regarding my fob and getting his mailing addressed changed. She messaged that I had requested the above and he messaged her straight back saying “if Ang wants the above she should message me herself and not be telling the world our business”, my friend politely message back “Ang no longer want contact with you so please respect her wishes! He didn’t respond, I knew he wouldn’t!!!

    I don’t want him back, my belly might be doing somersault but my head is so much clearer without him in it, controlling my every move, I met with a friend last night, stayed out for a drink after my shift tonight, I work in a pub and I felt so free… I know I don’t want him and the life I lead when I’m with him for the rest of my life…. I was so independent before I got with him, was happy with myself and I want that back for good… I’m staying no contact, fact!

    I thought this was the final discard, specially how coldly he done it, and I will never forgive him for that, I stood by him when he begged me to help him be normal, get of the drugs lead a normal life! and then threw me away like I was nothing, it was more the way he looked at me that done it for me.. the mask fell and I truly see him for what he is…. a nasty, human being unable to love or appreciate any of the good things in life, to love and be loved, he will never get it .. he will be forever lonely no matter who he choses to try fill the void in his empty soul.

    So I’m a bit confused as whether I should expect the Hoover or not…???

    He said he didn’t feel the same and was unhappy with me, that he wanted to leave (he never acted this way before and he was sober/straight!!!).
    Agreed to no contact. But seemed aggravated that my pal messaged him not me.
    Kept my fob, why? Is this another form of controlling, does he just want me to contact him so he can ignore me so he still feels like he has the upper hand or is he planning another return attempt?? I hope he isn’t… but in all honesty I would love him to message so I can blank him… I might not get any answers to my many questions but I feel my silence would give me the last word and the closure I need.

    Any views on the above would be greatly appreciated, 3rd time I’ve copied and pasted this on different sites with no reply! So hoping I might get one here…

    Wow this was meant to be a long story short, sorry xxx

    • Zari Ballard

      September 12, 2015 at 6:32 pm Reply

      Hi Angela,

      You sent this via the contact page as well and I answered from there. Check your email:)

      Zari xo

    • Charlie

      November 10, 2015 at 10:26 pm Reply

      Pay a contractor to change the locks all over the house and get new fobs. If he has had keys he has made copies!!!Good luck!

  • Jodie

    September 8, 2015 at 4:48 pm Reply

    I have been apart from my X for 8 months. It has not been easy and I was deeply hurt. Our relationship was for 8 years. In the beginning it was good, romantic and things seemed like it was going well. After a month and a half of going together he lost his apartment in a fire. He then claimed to move in with his boss. He said since it was a place of business, he didn’t tell me the address or phone number. This was a big warning sign that I knew was strange but he was a smooth talker. I feel very stupid to have believed any of this. After about 4 years of the relationship he was working all the time. There was always an excuse that he couldn’t get together because of his work schedule. He claimed his boss lost family in the Philippines and he had to take over. Things were changing but he kept saying we will be together soon and he would move in and how much he loved me.

    A year an a half ago, I received an email from a woman who asked if I was his girlfriend because she was told she was the only one. She had seen pictures on his phone. He made an excuse we were friends. She claimed she was his girlfriend for 5 years. He got caught and admitted it. This is where the biggest mistake came in. I tried to forgive him which was a huge mistake. He gas-lighted me and my head was so confused I thought well, we can try again. It was horrible. He didn’t want to communicate or discuss anything. I was miserable. He would yell, get irrational and made life hell.

    For no reason, he stopped calling and sent me a birthday greeting last March. He wished me a happy birthday and wished me happiness. There was a little wave at the end of his name. I was confused and thought it was a good-bye but a lot of my friends thought it was a hello. I never acknowledged the greeting and I’ve not heard from him again. He had left some things at my home so my cousin called him but didn’t know his cell phone number and got another number. A woman answered. She claimed she knew my X and my cousin asked who she was. She said, I’m his girlfriend of 12 years. I was again so shocked. My cousin said, I thought Jodie had been his girlfriend and all she said was, oh yes, I know all about her.

    Now how this man handled 3 women and in the beginning was with me 4 to 5 days and nights a week makes no sense to me at all. You would have thought this woman would have wondered where he was. He introduced me to all his friends and even his daughters as his girlfriend. No one ever new of anyone but me.

    I’m still recovering after all this and what I find the hardest is, I don’t have any answers. Why did he disappear, why all the promises and lies. The last time I saw him, he said he needed to help me with some home chores and he suggested we take a nice drive up the coast the following weekend. He acted like nothing was wrong.

    I now see traits of a narcissist and I will never put myself through the pain again. It’s been a hard struggle and I feel for anyone who is or has gone through this terrible experience.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 26, 2015 at 4:04 pm Reply

      Hi Jodie,

      Please forgive me for taking so long to respond and I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I dare say that your “ex” was not only a narcissist but a sociopath as well in that it takes a little bit of extra evil to actually compartmentalize on that level. To juggle three women, all of whom believe to be the “only one”, is absolutely predatory and only a sick and twisted person would be able to do it without blinking an eye. This type of narcissist/sociopath is very methodical, choosing each woman very carefully for her willingness to accept certain behaviors and stories. This is why it appeared that he was always with you…because his story was carefully developed to accommodate his disappearances to the others. Because one of the women knew about you and was apathetic about it tells me that he had managed down her expectations of the relationship long ago. A narcissist with money is the 5-Star Deception and he can get away with anything.

      I am grateful you are out of it. Do not ever respond to his hoovers. In fact, you MUST block him at every turn – emails, texts, phone calls. He doesn’t deserve to be able to send you a “hi” or even a “good-by” every once in awhile. Don’t give him the satisfaction of that, Jodie, because he will do it until the end of time if you do. Cut the ties that bind and make it impossible for him to ever contact you again.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Sally Smith

    September 6, 2015 at 1:55 pm Reply

    How do you deal with custody with a narcissist. I was married to covert narcissist and custody with him is very difficult. Self-help books will tell you to run from a narcissist and never look back, but how can you do that when you share custody? Also, how do you protect your child from a narcissist who has been able to pull the wool over herhis eyes?

    • Zari Ballard

      September 21, 2015 at 11:40 am Reply

      Hi Sally,

      Oh, it’s not easy but it’s not impossible. DETACHMENT & INDIFFERENCE will be the key to your communication. Show NO EMOTION when interacting no matter what he does because that’s exactly what he wants. Keep all interactions (phone calls, drop-offs, pick-ups) to ten minutes tops to avoid any unnecessary bullshit. No texting back and forth or emails. Keep it simple. He’ll hate it but so what? While you can’t control how the narcissist behaves, you can certainly control your reaction to it. If you can, download my book Narcissist Free because it’s all about NC and there’s a chapter on co-parenting as well with some tips for making it livable.

      As for the child, refrain from talking shit about the N in front of him/her because he’ll certainly be doing enough of that in reverse. Children – you’d be surprised – how they grow up remembering who did all the nasty talking. You’ll come out the winner as long as you stay silent. If daddy’s behaviors come up in conversation, brush them off (within reason) and chalk it up to “oh, you know how daddy is”. Believe me, children are resilient and ultimately will begin to see under the mask. When that happens, you’ll be the support that they turn to. Let him did his own parental grave on his own!

      Good luck and get the book – it will help, I guarantee it! Write anytime, I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Cameron

    July 27, 2015 at 8:56 pm Reply

    This article is spot on. I broke up with her after I had concluded that enough was enough. The gaslighting, manipulation and deception were constant. I now realize just how insecure they are but they certainly deserve it. The one thing most people forget is almost all narcissist cheat on you in one form or another, period. We all know that the majority will never admit to it either.

    To this day, my ex will text me because she knows I’m nice and tactful, things that she is not. She always needs that reassurance from me to feed her narcissist supply. The point that she doesn’t get is, just because I’m nice to her, doesn’t mean I like her. It’s just that being an asshole, is frowned upon.

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