Will the Narcissist Come Back? Maybe…but then what?

Well, here I am again. I had a relationship like that before, which I got over. I thought I was over him, the latest one, too, because I hadn’t seen him for a year, and the feelings had faded down to next to nothing. And my life was good. Yes, I was lonely – I am autistic and we are lonely people. But I was achieving things that delighted me in spite of my loneliness. And learning not to be ashamed of being lonely – a huge, huge matter.

Then he came back.

I think he is autistic too – ie, I thought he was like me. He does have some definite traits of it. But I thought he was basically a kind, decent man who struggles with the world. He isn’t. You can be autistic and deeply nasty. I was naive in so many ways.

Like when he took me into this drop-in centre he attends and I used to go to. He was telling me to hide the fact that we were together, supposedly to spare another woman’s feelings. “I made faces at her when I was talking to you, to show her I didn’t want to speak to you,” he said. It was a humiliation. He was playing us off against each other. After he’d broken up, I spoke to her – she agreed he was doing so, and said there was another woman he was doing it to. And he also has this ex he does the “let’s be friends” control/manipulation stuff with. Never met her, but sounds like he put her through hell.

Anyway: he ended it via Facebook message – this is someone I had known for years.

Truth is, at first I’d told him I wanted to end the friendship because I felt too much for him. This made him up his game. Then when he had me where he wanted me – gone. Discarded.

I sent him some furious texts and then – heigh ho – felt guilty for being so horrible to him.

I get in this state I suppose many of us do – “I hurt him too much, he will be so angry, he will never come back now, oh, what have I done?” Well. On past record he will come back, maybe in a year or two, if he can’t get that adoration and lack of self-respect from any other woman. But the whole mind-set we have – “He is so wonderful, how could he ever stoop so low as to address me again?”

But supposed I’d tamely said, “I understand. Let me be your friend still.” Then I’d have been dragging round after him, trying to get his attention, desperate not to show him how I feel, accepting less and less, boosting his ego with my adoration, having him play me off against other women – And I have done that with him. No good at all.

Someone once told me he is a bully, and I believe that finally. He loves to see the hurt in the eyes of others, women especially. I find that very hard to imagine. But I was a bullied child (and adult) so I know these people get off on that. Why else would they do it? Some people like hurting other people. Some people are triggered by that to desperately try to get them to be nice. Vile stuff.

Also – the most useful thing I have read about this – he was never real. The lovely, sweet, funny, quirky man I loved – he never existed. He was partly a mask my ex wore, and partly the product (and this is hard to admit) of my own loneliness and wishful thinking. That man never existed. My ex was a sleazy little cheat who enjoys humiliating women.

I was back in the playground, with a boy spitting in my eye again. And wondering what I had done wrong to make him do that. When in fact he was just a vicious little thug who’d hurt anyone handy.

The adoration I feel for these hard-to-please, hot and cold, bullying men is what I need to look at now. Of course I can still hate him and rage against him. Because he treated me very badly and so of course I am furious. And even though I was duped, it’s still a break-up and I still have to go through that. But I never want this to happen again.

Let’s hope he never comes back. Or that I am strong enough to blank him if he does.

I eventually cut him off and he panicked – sucker. I was out of his league and he knew it; though he made me feel like everyone wanted him and I was disposable. Now I await testifying in trial for rape. He sexually assaulted me numerous times. Wish there was more written about narcissistic sexual abuse and rape. I think I’ve read most of what there is. I just still can’t wrap my head around it. No ones ever made me feel as worthless.

My narc left me the day before thanksgiving after four years of asking ne to marry him.. I marry him and four months in he leaves ne and divorced me and left me with no heat and took our mortgage money and went and bought a ps whatever game box.. 5 months into a breakup i go to his house to work things out have sex and get told he had a gurlfriend.. A year later he moves back in for a year then walks out on me leaving me with a mortgage about to go into foreclosure. My husband refused to put house in his name to save it. 125k of equity. After i fixed his credit to be perfect. Six years of despair. Im thirty days today no contact. Id rather die then ever see him again. Do i love him yes. But the pain is all to real

I am in the motion of 2nd time being left. The physical pain has been so awful I cannot even describe. Came back for a few days after leaving me for two months found he had been with many woman and left again keeping in good touch. Now has gone again for the 2nd time phone off. Cannot believe this kind of character. I really did believe it would get better and reading all this information is making me stronger and wiser and wow so interesting. Never knew there were these kind of humans in this world. I am totally shocked.

Zari, how can a narcissist come back after I wouldn’t bother with him for 7 mo. He made it like he wanted to talk, clear thinks up, move forward cause he missed me terribly, he wanted to get it all out so we could move foward. Well I agreed to see him, how stupid could I be. He tells me he is still with this married woman whom I had found out he was seeing 5 years all along prior to me, that’s what broke us up 9 mo. into our relationship. It was never the same. His mother told me, oh she’s a stalker, she ruins any relationship he tries to be in. Ha, really. She’d make excuses when it’s he who wants her or she’d be gone. Anyhow, he tells me it’s just a friendship, he really loves me, wants to buy a house have ne with him. He has to end it with her his way. He will move and not tell her where he is. Imagine? That’s what it’s going to take to get tou to end it. I almost felt like he was regretful to have to do it. Well I sat there in disbelief. How could someone who always lied now think the truth was a good thing? And crazy me felt that I had more respect or he had more respect when he lied. I felt so low and disrespected that he thought I’d be okay with this and go along with it! Then I thought maybe he purposely told me “the truth” to have exactly the effect it did and have me not bother with him. But he came looking for me! I feel like I’m crazy trying to figure it out. None of it makes sense. I was in shock I believe, hurt to the very core. He continued to call me that evening and each day but two days later I came to my senses, sent him 1 final text fir my own sake saying I was bowing out gracefully. I cut his numbet off, texts and changed my email. He’s two hours away so chances are I’ll never run into him ever again. It’s been almost 4 weeks now still try to figure it out in my head but doing okay.

My N got busted cheating. I knew he was but I didn’t have proof. Feels great to know. He gave me the way out. I blocked him from being able to call me. He showed up to my house after about two weeks asking me to go out with him. I told him no and told him to leave. He said, “You putting ME out”. I said, YES”. We don’t live together; he just meant that I was making him leave at that moment. I understand what you mean about wanting to know if he will return. It’s like I attach his reaching out to me to my worth; although I know its not right. I have so many emotions but I will never share them with him because I know he could care less. If he does return again, I just plan to tell him that I need one thing from him: space. So that I can HEAL.

Hi Zari,
I went 6 mths NC with a 6 year relationship with a Narc. My Narc had a gf for about 10 years before I was even in the picture. Because I live in RI the smallest state of USA it wasn’t long before I found it. He always denied until I met the OW. I dont want to be mean but in the looks department I saw nothing. She believed him because she is retarded and said you can stay or go but he always comes back to Mama.

She was right that started a horrible cycle with the cheating, numerous OW besides her and bad things happening to my car like when someone put diesel in it. It cost me 4 k to fix just that one problem. Im hooked on xanax due to my narc im dr. Prescribed but I’m reliant on this med.
Friday he called. He has been hoovering often Since Sept when I left him. In the past 2 mths I lost my job because I was sexually assaulted by a hotel security guard of a major chain hotel. He helped me with my baggage up to my room and did the unthinkable. This brought out major ptsd, no confidence, battles with the people, pressing charges all while working ft and ignoring the hoovers. Life was grtting better even after an assault.
Friday comes around. I had just resigned from my job because the anxiety and pressure to sell were to much. I saw the hoover. I caved. I heard it all I’m ready to marry you, have a family. I realize you played a big part in my life. The compliments, omg it was to good to be true. We spoke for 2 hours. He said he wanted to take it slow, not jump into sex, and treat me with the respect I deserve. We ended it st that. I have your books i show be like you snd kim from letmereach. If narc was a class I would have passed with flying colors. Saturday I didn’t hear from him so I picked up the phone I went to vm. He called at 3 am on Sat drunk and on Sunday his day off I called and he said he was with his son via text and would get back. I got pissed I fell for the hoover and I called 25 times in a 4 hour period all which I was sent to vm, a text to cut it out, or just dead air. I hate myself for falling for this hoover I think the assault had me weak. Please help me before I go into a Xanax stupor. Im 32, I only got one life, I’m in between jobs, fighting to get my power back. I know the answer I need to do a # change right now and not go back Narc road. While I wrote this he hoovered twice. He only hoovers from his job which infuriates me. Seeing him on caller id infuriates me. Help I have been hoovered and my decision making has been impaired due to ptsd and trauma.
Sincerely, Joanna