Will the Narcissist Come Back? Maybe…but then what?

Im still living with a N Husband, I am only just realising this is what it is. My stupidity is finally answered and the mere fact I am not mad and I am actually not the evil things he calls me every time he argues with me. My fear is he wont leave easily If I ask he will screw me financially and has even told me so. He does what he wants when he wants and with whom he wants and I have been none the wiser. In fact I feel so alone as I sit in our home. He is detached its scary. I feel so stupid at the moment. Ive started reading everything I can on this subject and so many feel like me. He beat me up once because he was caught out in a smoking area with another woman and I was in the hotel and went downstairs, he was evil to me in front of her then came charging up to our room 10 mins later and beat the living daylights out of me! My friend staying downstairs got me out. He turned up the next day in tears etc, we tried counceling it didn’t work he managed to find something on me to reverse the fact he didn’t feel it was his fault and the lies he told me when he initially apologised the next day saying alcohol made him not remember were all lies he told the councillor he remembered it all. I don’t trust him and when I think back to that particular incident my tears start flowing again. My heart is genuinely heart broken as I do love him. He hasnt done anything since just made me feel more worthless than before. I know nothing of his finances. On our last argument he told me on our holiday that he knew me inside out, told me I exaggerated everything and was cruel which then proceeded to separate rooms on our holiday for 5 nights silence until we flew home. He then at home after a day or two carried on like it was all normal again. I feel sick!

I was with a N for almost 15 years (13 years of marriage). We have 3 children (all girl’s 13,8,4). He up and left us when I confronted him about cheating. Two weeks after he left, he moved in with and started a relationship with another woman. We are divorced now, but you say that no contact is the best rule – and I understand that…but how can you do that when we have to be in contact because of our kids?
I have PTSD from my marriage and go to counseling every week. I don’t hurt because I want him back – I honestly felt like a weight was lifted when he walked out the door. Don’t get me wrong, I have pain from him leaving, hurt from all the years of abuse, and knowing now that he is a N it does not make me love him any less. I still do love him. But it’s the hurt of knowing that our marriage was all a lie. It angers me how I see his actions now and know he is fake. Then when it comes to our kids, I see he is trying to manipulate them and get in their heads.
How can I move forward…healthy…when I still have to be in contact with him?

Unfortunately, a N (female) is charming & alluring to a fault. It’s the biggest tool in their toolbox and they know it. I’ve gotten away but the draw of the familiar and frankly…sex is very strong. As a man, I’ve tried to be decent in helping with things at the house which is for sale. But she uses things like that to try and reel me back in. I pray to keep my humanity..deserved or not, but it can be damn hard at times. I wish I we’re better at it myself but…After you are away from the N, become exceptionally selfish to protect yourself. I have had to resolve myself to almost a self protection mode because…make no mistake you are being emotionally attacked and it sucks big time and won’t stop until you completely free of this parasite.

I broke up with Narcissist and l know l am at the point were l have accepted its over. I m depressed now and sad l and working towards being normal. I blocked him, I m just afraid that when l am happy again, he will appear and try to trick me. It’s not so much of falling the deception. I know what he is but having to revisit the sadness he caused and his attempt to deceive me is depressing. Just knowing he wants to hurt me again by trying to lie and trick me will cause me trauma. I don’t want to go thru that again once l m over that stage. When we l heal, l forget and that’s dangerous.l so afraid of forgetting he is a narcissist.

Zari , I’ve been out of a narcissist relationship now 6 months , the relationship lasted 3 years . I endured cheating , lying ,control and everything else that comes with being with a narcissist. I was discarded in the end and he left only to 8 weeks later become engaged to a woman he met on a dating site . I’ve had the Hoover and I’m in no contact absolutely no contact . Trouble is though Zari intially I felt free and was making positive steps forward finding myself . Now all I want to do is run back I want him to want me back , I think about him day and night and even dream about him . I no nothing good can come from this I’m well aware he can’t change and my life would be unhappiness cheating , lying and misery . I’m heartbroken all over again and I don’t understand why . The dull ache never leaves . I read everything I can about narcissists and have educated myself . I don’t know what to do . I’m so sad ????

Wow, what an article. Thank you so much for writing it. Sometimes it’s nice to know that I’m not a crazy person for feeling the way I do. I do miss my ex, and lately it’s been weighing on me heavily whether he misses me (albeit in a shallow way; the things I did for him, cooking, support, etc) or not. The end of September marks a year since he callously discarded me without warning, prompting me to move back across the country and I’ve been in therapy ever since.

I’m 28 and he was my first serious relationship. We were together over three years, a short stint for him, and he carried on like nothing had happened. An interesting thing that my therapist (and mother, who was also once married to my N father) pointed out about the discard, was that he said one thing (‘I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore’) but then behaved in another by following me around frantically as I packed my bags, or staring at me creepily from his car as I continued to remove myself from his life. He continued to text me that whole weekend about when I’d be gone and how much moving would cost me (the sweetie offered me money to help get me out). I didn’t beg or grovel to stay like I had three times in the past. He sounds like a real winner, huh? And yet here I am, almost a full calendar year waiting to be hoovered. I know it won’t ever be like it was with him. But for some reason I’m relying on that text or email or call to validate what I’ve been feeling and I guess prove what he really is.

I made the mistake of talking to one of his exes, probably the most significant one in his life until me. She let me know that she, and the others, had all left him (after he pushed them to the point of no other option) and he ended up reaching out/hoovering each and every one of them AND getting back together (or tried to). So NOW, I feel like this worthless clod of a woman who really actually meant zip and didn’t impact him or make his life mean anything in anyway, thus I’m lesser than these exes. I will say though, that each one of them left an opening for him. They all kept some kind of line open for him to reach out, whether it be posting to various forms of social media or commenting on his pictures or sending messages, you get the point. I haven’t done any of that. To me, that would be giving him the attention he so craves. Why would I ever give that to someone who so casually dropped the ‘love of his life’ out of an airplane and then wished her ‘a safe trip’ back across the country?

So, after this very long post which I’m sure didn’t just confuse the hell out of me, my question/s is/are: will he reach out even though all this time has passed? Am I stupid for wanting him to reach out and stupid for feeling lesser if I don’t get that contact that all those other girls got? Why am I still so hung up on it? I was doing so well for awhile, but as I get closer to the one year anniversary of being thrown away like a used diaper I’m back to that first month where I don’t eat and can’t sleep without dreaming of him. Thanks so much to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to my novel.

-Angie

Hello Zari,

I am so thankful I have reached this article. For the longest time I feared there was something wrong with me until I read about NPD. For almost a year I was involved with a man who definitely had NPD. In the beginning things were great but he quickly dismissed me after a few weeks. I tried harder to win him over and we had a strictly sexual relationship for months. He was possessive of me, jealous of the men near me(we sadly work together), egocentric, all characteristics of a narcissist. He blocked me on all social media and messaging systems and would only unblock me to get what he wanted. I was in denial throughout the time I was with him. I hoped he would change but at the time I didn’t know about NPD. 7 weeks ago he pushed me too far and I realized I was his backup supply. The whole time he was entertaining and sleeping with other women and lying to me. I have since been doing the silent treatment and no contact, to as much as I can in a work environment. However I noticed he unblocked me on a messaging app from the start of my no contact and silent treatment. He used to have me blocked while I was his supply. I wonder why he left that line of communication? Lately I’ve noticed he also hovers around me and coincidentally tries to run into me at work or check in. He doesn’t speak to me. Why would he do this? Is he trying to come back? Does he want me back? I’m starting to have second thoughts about leaving him. Please help.

-Babs